THE BLOG
02/01/2013 12:42 pm ET Updated Apr 03, 2013

A New Balancing Act

I have been so blessed to be able to stay home with my kids over the past year and a half. I went back to teaching high school French when my daughter was only 8 weeks old, and it was really hard on me. She couldn't have cared less, but I felt like the worst mom in the world when I left her every day to go to work. Don't get me wrong, I loved my job. I had so much fun teaching and although there were bad days and crazy antics by teenagers on a pretty frequent basis, I loved the kids and I adored (still do) the teachers I worked with. I wanted to enjoy working and being a mom, but I cried every day on my way to work.

I had the opportunity to stay at home after my husband changed jobs and was just ecstatic. A few months later, I was pregnant with my son and really appreciated being home. Man, was I sick, and I can easily imagine what it would have been like to work through that difficult pregnancy. I have felt lucky for almost every day that I have been able to be home.

Almost.

Not lucky when Sofia has a day filled with screaming tantrums. Not lucky when she's sick. Not lucky when I'm sick because moms don't get a day off. Those are the days I wished I was at work. But I was fortunate that those days were few and far between.

A few months ago, our circumstances changed and we decided I should start to look for something part-time. I have to admit I felt a sense of panic remembering how it felt to leave Sofia, knowing I would now have to leave two babies behind.

I know, boo hoo. Everyone works, millions of moms work outside the home and their kids are awesome. To be honest, Sofia needs it. I'm in no way saying that working moms don't love their kids the way I do. I'm saying that I was really enjoying the stay at home mom stuff and didn't want it to end.

Over the last few days, though, my attitude has changed. First of all, we're talking part-time. Second, when I say Sofia needs it, I mean that. She will be starting preschool in the fall and needs to learn to socialize with other kids and follow directions from someone. Anyone. Because apparently, it can't be me. And if we're being honest here, I need it, too. I miss the adult interaction. I'm tired of "Yo Gabba Gabba." And although he has absolutely never made me feel like it's "his" money, I still have a hard time not contributing financially. I've worked since I was 16 and it just feels weird to not have my own money to spend.

So that's a lot of explanations and its all over the place. Because that's how I felt, how I feel and how I'm evolving as a mom.

How do you feel about your work/mom situation?