THE BLOG

A Special Message for June Brides: It's Not Too Late to Say 'I Don't'

06/03/2015 03:59 pm ET | Updated Jun 02, 2016

June brides, listen up! I know you have a million things to do, but in all of the wedding mania, there's one very important thing I want to make sure you don't forget: No matter how many non-refundable deposits have been put down, or how many folks have flown across the country, or how epic your reception is going to be, it's not too late to call off the wedding.

I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer about your special day; I'm trying to spare you a lot of time, trouble, money, pain, and suffering down the line. Talk to any divorce lawyer and she'll tell you that tons of clients realized that things weren't right before they walked down the aisle, but plowed ahead, anyway.

If you recognize yourself in any of the following paragraphs, you should seriously consider calling things off.

He looks good on paper, but.... Good credentials? Check! Good job? Check! Your families get along? Check! Similar interests and life goals? Check and check! But despite however many times you go over that checklist, you just can't seem to silence that little voice in the back of your head that tells you that something isn't right. Whatever you do, don't ignore that voice. Maybe it's telling you that you're not (and never were) head-over-heels in love with him. Or maybe it's reminding you that you're not (and never were) all that physically attracted to him. Or perhaps it's complaining about how his personality can be a little (okay, a lot) on the annoying side. The fact that the relationship makes sense on paper is an important thing, to be sure; but it's not the only thing. You're not going to be spending the next sixty years cuddling up at night with his resume. You have to be in love with him in person and not just on paper. And if you're not, he's not the one for you, no matter how impressive that newspaper wedding announcement would be.

You're head-over-heels in love, but....So what that he's had six jobs in the past two years? And how is it his fault that every single one of his past girlfriends has been psycho? And why should it matter that his credit score is the same as his shoe size? You're not marrying him for any of that superficial stuff. You're marrying him for L-O-V-E. And your love is so strong it can conquer all of those problems, right? Wrong. Love is important, of course; but it shouldn't blind you to obvious red flags. Someone who can't keep his sh*t together before getting married is not likely to suddenly figure out how to do so after getting married.

Everything has happened so fast your head is spinning! A dizzy feeling might be fun at a carnival, but if you make important decisions when you're off kilter, you're likely to find yourself living in a house of horrors before long. Narcissists love a whirlwind romance. This is partly because sweeping you off your feet feeds their always-starving ego. (Look how powerful and magical they are!) But it's also because they can't keep up the act of being Mr. Perfect for very long. They need to seal the deal before the pixie dust wears off and you realize that how insecure and controlling he is, and how he's really in love with himself, not you. If everything seems too perfect and it has all happened so fast, you need to ask yourself what harm would come from slowing down? Why not date for a couple of years and see how things go? If he's really perfect for you, he'll still be perfect for you in a couple of years. And if he's not, it's easier to find that out before you marry him, not after.

You're ready for the next milestone, and he's good enough (for now). Okay, so he's not perfect. He drinks too much a couple of (five) nights a week and his dream weekend involves parking it on the couch and playing video games for 48 hours straight. You, on the other hand, have season tickets to the opera and think antique is both a verb and a noun. But, hey, you have a plan for your life--and that plan includes getting married by a certain age. (And you'd really appreciate no one mentioning that you hit that age six months ago, okay?) You can't afford to get any farther behind schedule. Your fiancé is good enough; and what you don't like about him, you'll work on changing after you're married. After all, you have the rest of your lives to figure all that out. Rome wasn't built in a day, right? True, but you're not Michael Angelo, and he's not David material. One of the biggest mistakes people make is marrying someone with the intention of changing him. Stop worrying about your self-imposed timetable. You may think you're behind schedule now, but you know what can really wreck your schedule? A marital misfire followed by a divorce.

You can tell your friends and family aren't crazy about him. You've picked up on the fact that certain people whose opinions you normally trust aren't super keen on your fiancé, but you've made it very clear to all of them that you are not interested in hearing their opinions on this matter. This is your decision. They're not marrying him, you are, right? Not quite. Couples don't live in isolation. There are sets of friends and extended families that you presumably will continue to have relationships with for the rest of your lives. It's one thing if one member of your A-Team--like your bestie, your brother, or your mom--doesn't click with your fiancé. But if all (or even most) of your A-Team thinks he's a tool, you should hear them out. Maybe they're right; maybe they're wrong. But you can neither evaluate nor alleviate their concerns if you don't know what they are.