Taking One for the Team: Why My Valentine's Day Is Going to Totally Suck (and Yet I'm Okay With That)

02/11/2014 12:20 pm ET | Updated Apr 13, 2014

If you're a woman going through a divorce, chances are you're not thrilled to have Valentine's Day looming large at the end of the week. From now until Friday, it's going to be wall-to-wall ads for florists, jewelry stores, and naughty love toys every time you turn on the radio or TV. Oh--and hearts. There will be lots and lots of hearts. Everywhere you look. And you could really do without seeing a bunch of hearts right now. And you certainly don't need an invitation eat more chocolate. You're doing just fine with that all on your lonesome.

In short, Valentine's Day is at the tippy top of your list of least favorite holidays right now--and that's saying something, because this year that's one crowded list. To compound the problem, hating Valentine's Day makes you feel like a bad person. You don't want to begrudge your happily coupled-up friends as they celebrate their undying love for each other. But then again, it's no fun to feel like you're that one girl who's having the absolute worst Valentine's Day EVER.

Don't worry! I totally have your back on this. I've got a completely horrible Valentine's Day planned for myself! That way you can be sure that yours won't be nearly as bad. Here's what I've got cooked up so far: For starters, my awesome boyfriend (yes, I have one of those--don't hate me) is out of town. And when I say out of town, I'm not just talking a few hours down the road. He's in South Africa, which is pretty much the opposite side of the planet. Factor in the time difference and lack of cell phone coverage and it's kind of like I don't have a boyfriend at all right now.

But simply simulating the condition of not having an awesome boyfriend isn't nearly enough to make mine the worst Valentine's Day ever. The day itself has to actually suck. I've got that covered, too. I'm getting a mammogram first thing in the morning! In all honesty, I didn't intend to celebrate (let alone kick off) Valentine's Day with a mammogram. But once it became clear that that was the only day and time that was going to work for everyone's schedules, I asked the receptionist if she could at least tell the technician to have some flowers for me when I arrived. She laughed in my face. So, I'm taking that as a no. Let's recap: No boyfriend. No flowers. Just a mammogram first thing in the morning.

There you have it. My Valentine's Day this year is going to be completely dreadful. And yours will be so much better by comparison--no matter whom you spend it with, or what you do or don't do. So, you're welcome--and happy Valentine's Day!