Every time I watch this hilarious video of a little girl cheering herself on, I think, Her parents must be pretty happy people. I don't know for sure, of course, but my guess is that they model happiness and confidence and gratitude on a daily basis, and she's simply copying them.
So whenever I see research that shows that parents are, on average, less happy than their childless counterparts, my heart sinks. Equally devastating to me is the research that reveals how my generation of women is unhappier than previous generations. If we aren't happy, our children aren't likely to be happy, either. And I really don't want my children's generation to follow in our unhappy footsteps.
We have cause to worry that they are, though. Studies on college students have revealed that approximately 53 percent display symptoms of clinical depression. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people ages 15 to 24, and the second leading cause of death for college students. And these statistics are getting worse.
I think many parents are unhappy, but they assume that their stress and anxiety and even depression are all just part of being a parent today.
This reminds me of research revealing that we humans often don't act, even when we know something is wrong. In one study, research subjects were placed in a room to fill out a survey. Here is how Chip and Dan Heath describe the experiment in "Switch":
Some were left alone; others were put in rooms with two other students. As they filled out their surveys, a "crisis" emerged. Smoke began to pour into the room through a wall vent. The smoke continued to flow, in irregular puffs, until eventually the room was filled with haze. Of the students sitting in a room by themselves, 75 percent got up and found someone to alert about the smoke. But when three students were placed in the room at the same time, only 38 percent of the groups of three ever reported the smoke. They just sat there, inhaling the smoke, each individual's inaction signaling to the other two people in the room that this smoke cloud isn't such a big deal.
More than half of our college students show symptoms of depression; this is a big deal. It is time for us parents to stop sitting around inhaling smoke, looking around and assuming that because everyone else is inhaling the smoke, the stresses of our lives are normal, that everything is okay. It isn't okay; modern life is pushing us to the brink, and our kids along with us.
We need to push back. And given the role that our social environments play in our lives, the more of us who try to do something, the greater the chance that others will follow suit. Here is what I'm shooting for: 100,000 Happier Parents by July 1, 2011.
Will you join me? Being a happier parent isn't the only way to raise happy kids, but it is the best way. Instead of staring at each other, smelling the fire but not putting it out, here's the first step you can take to do something: sign this pledge by clicking here. The pledge states: "I understand that improving my own happiness is a way to make the world a better place. Over the next nine months, I will take steps to increase my happiness."
For today, that's all you need to do: just sign the pledge! I'll offer concrete suggestions for change next week (the fact that you're already reading this blog gives you a head start). But for starters, never underestimate the power of desire and intention.
Producing a sea change in our happiness may seem like a monumental undertaking, but actually, more often than not, big changes come from a succession of small steps.
Researchers know a lot about why parents, particularly women, are less happy today than they have been in previous generations, and we have a pretty good idea how to fix it. The new science of happiness gives us a clear roadmap -- a guide to those activities, skills, and beliefs that are highly likely to raise our happiness.
Happiness Is a Property of Groups
Although we usually think of happiness as being an individual trait or a function of our personal experience, it isn't just those things. It is also a property of our social groups!
Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler explain how:
We found that social networks have clusters of happy and unhappy people within them that reach out to three degrees of separation. A person's happiness is related to the happiness of their friends, their friends' friends, and their friends' friends' friends -- that is, to people well beyond their social horizon ... And we found that each additional happy friend increases a person's probability of being happy by about 9 percent.
Emotions spread so rapidly that your happiness can affect not just your children, spouse and close friends, but 258 people in a single day. According to Christakis and Fowler, every time you feel an emotion -- whether it is hope or anger, gratitude or fear -- it spreads to six people you know: family and friends, neighbors and coworkers. Then it spreads again, to six people each of them knows, and again, to six people each of those people knows. By the end of the day? Your emotion has touched 258 others.
It is going to take a lot for us to gather 100,000 people in our ranks, so please help us by forwarding this to your friends and social networks. Why not post this on Facebook? Remember, the happier your friends and your school community are, the happier you and your family are likely to be.
Thank you for being a part of this happiness movement: You are making a difference!
© 2010 Christine Carter, Ph.D.
Christine Carter, Ph.D. is a sociologist at UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, best known for her science-based parenting advice. She is the author of "Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents," and she teaches an online parenting class for a global audience.
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I do not want kids, never did
I would never bring kids into this world and have to deal with the burdens I've had to deal with
I have no time for people who push people to have kids, If you want to have kids, that is your prerogative and right to do so
Furthermore, there is a very contentious parenting culture right now. Many people seem to believe that parenting is about subscribing to and defending a particular philosophy. This further contributes to the emotional isolation that many parents experience. I think parents would be a lot happier if they received acknowledgment that parenting is challenging, and there are many different ways to go about it.
Thanks for the push!
Chris
http://widowisland.wordpress.com
Taught by a local cognitive behavioral therapist, the class was a godsend. I feel that I have learned an invaluable, life-changing skill set that I can now model for my husband and son. I began taking medication for anxiety and depression, and after a few more months I was able to get some sleep.
These days I am feeling like a completely different person. In fact, I feel hopeful enough about the future that I am going to sign your pledge-- something that would have been impossible for me seven months ago.
I encourage other depressed or anxious new moms to find the help you need. Postpartum depression and anxiety are very real and they can drag on for years if you ignore them. If you're predisposed to depression or anxiety, just accept it and realize that it's all about management. Our culture wants to promise that you can fix mental illness by pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, but not everybody can. Get the assistance you need, and a world of possibilities opens up.
We do need to push back, of course in a healthy way. Your campaign for happiness is right on. It does need to start at a conscientious level one individual at a time.
Happiness spreads, it does. Try smiling and nodding hello to someone you dont know and see what happens. It works the same when dealing with our children. You dont have to yell, they understand you without it. Actually they understand you better and tune you out less. Great Article!
Every morning when we wake up we make the choice to be happy or not. It takes work and effort and it doesn't happen every morning for every person. Even people who consider themselves happy overall have to work at their happiness, and they have down days, too.I say this as a person diagnosed with clinical depression - if you are unhappy, you can change it. Happier IS always possible.
I would prefer to sign a pledge knowing what I was actually signing on for.
The idea is to take it one small step at a time, lest we get overwhelmed and quit before we've started. The first step is intention!
Temperament, based in the interaction of genetics with human biology, and considered the fundamental basis of human personality, must play a role. Temperament is mediates the self’s experience of its natural and social environments. Certain mental health characteristics are considered heritable traits. Do genetically conferred temperament, and by extension attitude, exert more influence in forming one’s life perspective than external factors?
What about environmental elements outside the home? Prominent Industrial Age sociologists argue that industrial civilization’s social and environmental ills compose a toxic brew homo sapiens physiology, and therefore mentality, handle ineffectively. They posit that, in such potently debilitating circumstances, the health or disability of community and of culture play pivotal roles either in promoting, or defeating, resilience. Example: the deplorable health and mental health conditions prevailing on many Native Tribal reservations.
The decline of child mental health may be attributed to parental modeling of attitudes toward life; however, this seems true only in part. The increasingly pernicious effects of a profoundly disordered civilization, are checked by the ameliorating presence of, or abetted by the debilitating lack of, healthy, vibrant cultures and communities. Genetic contributions to physiology and temperament mediate response to these factors. At the least, these elements must be considered along with parental satisfaction or dissatisfaction with life’s experiences among chief influences over child mental health.
Whatever profession they seek, if it their calling or not, they will learn that they need a positive outlet in their lives; essentially making them happier in life. I will also try to apply the happy emotional thinking to my life. Why not?