The media is abuzz about Amy Chua's book, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" (see this excerpt from The Wall Street Journal). Chua argues that "Chinese" mothers "are superior" because they demand absolute perfection and won't refrain from berating, threatening, and even starving their kids until they're satisfied.
Chua acknowledges that her argument will offend softy "Western" parents, who prefer to coddle rather than throttle their kids, and who prioritize happiness over achievement.
I am not offended as much as worried. My inbox is full of e-mails from parents looking for an answer: Should I be more demanding? Will my children be aimless underachievers if I foster things like friendship and gratitude rather than tripling their piano practice time?
Though I'm anything but permissive, even by Chua's standards, I am one of those "Western" parents who absolutely do prioritize children's long-term happiness over their achievements and performances. Ironically, I adapted these values from a confluence of Eastern philosophy -- particularly Lao-tzu's "Tao Te Ching" and Buddhist teachings -- and Western science, which provides ample evidence that success follows happiness and not the other way around.
Chua's argument goes against years of scientific research into what makes kids truly happy -- and successful -- in life. Moreover, it rests on a faulty premise: Rather than being overly permissive, many American parents -- especially the well-educated, affluent Americans reading excerpts in the WSJ or on Slate.com -- are overly focused on achievement already. Chua's guide to raising ever-more high-achieving children could fuel this fire, and that's scary.
Chua defines success narrowly, focusing on achievement and perfection at all costs: Success is getting straight As and being a violin or piano prodigy. Three decades of research clearly suggests that such a narrow focus on achievement can produce wildly unhappy people. Yes, they may boast perfect report cards and stunning piano recitals, but we are a country full of high-achieving but depressed and suicidal college students, a record number of whom take prescription medication for anxiety and depression.
Chua argues that happiness comes from mastery, and that mastery is achieved through "tenacious practice, practice, practice." She's right here -- practice does fuel success -- but she's wrong that forced mastery will lead to happiness. "Once a child starts to excel at something," she writes, "he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more."
Although there's some logic to this "virtuous circle," the drug-like gratification that comes from this type of achievement is not happiness or fulfillment: Once the initial exhilaration wears off, it's on to the next goal, in search of that elusive feeling of accomplishment. It's success without long-term enjoyment, work without meaning.
Chua is prescribing life motivated by perfectionism -- fear of failure, fear of disappointment. Not only is this a vicious form of unhappiness, but research by Carol Dweck and many others shows that kids who are not allowed to make mistakes don't develop the resilience or grit they need later in life to overcome challenges or pick themselves up when they do fail. Perfectionists are far more likely to be depressed and anxious, and in college they are more likely to commit suicide.
Perhaps even more disconcerting is how Chua disparages play and friendships: She takes pride in never letting her kids have playdates or sleepovers, so that they have more time for schoolwork and practicing their instruments.
If scientists have learned anything on the subject, it's that social connections are the foundation for happiness, health, and success in life. When kids build friendships through play, their social and emotional intelligence flourishes; social skills are a key predictor of success later in life. What's more, research clearly links loneliness and isolation with chronic illness and increased mortality rates, not to mention unhappiness.
Chua also recommends motivating kids through coercion and threats -- a recipe not just for unhappiness but also for unethical behavior. People who are motivated externally with threats and rewards are less creative, less able to solve problems and more likely to cheat to meet the expectations of those around them.
I'm not suggesting that you should fret about your children's self-esteem, pump them full of false praise, or let them run wild. I don't do those things, and I don't advocate permissive parenting. I do advocate happiness and joy as the paths to a meaningful life.
But if that sounds fluffy to you -- if you, like Chua, value your children's success over their long-term happiness -- and you are inclined to practice Chua's methods for turning out an Ivy-Leaguer, here is what I want you to remember: Fostering the skills that kids need for happiness is a better bet for their long-term success.
Do you think children raised by "Chinese" mothers are "superior," as Chua asserts? Where you raised in the "Chinese" style of parenting that Chua hyperbolizes? If so, did it work for you? Did you learn the skills you need for happiness now? Has Chua's essay made you rethink how you parent? Why or why not?
© 2011 Christine Carter, Ph.D.
Join the Campaign for 100,000 Happier Parents by signing this simple pledge. Become a fan of Raising Happiness on Facebook. Follow Christine Carter on Twitter. Subscribe to the Happiness Matters Podcast on iTunes.
Sign up for the Raising Happiness class!
Follow Christine Carter, PhD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/raisinghappines
Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior - WSJ.com
Wendy Sachs: Chinese Moms vs. Jewish Moms: Who Is Mother Superior?
China Economy: All About Chinese Mothers? - CBS MoneyWatch.com
The Truth About “Chinese Mothers” | GeekDad | Wired.com
Tiger Mothers: Raising Children The Chinese Way : NPR
Relations between Chinese mothers' parenting practices and social ...
On Chinese Mothers and American Kids - NYTimes.com
A Shanghai mom's view of "Chinese Mothers" in the U.S. - Shanghaiist
"Scores from the 2009 Programme for International Student Assessment to be released Tuesday show 15-year-old students in the U.S. performing about average in reading and science, and below average in math. Out of 34 countries, the U.S. ranked 14th in reading, 17th in science and 25th in math." http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2010-12-07-us-students-international-ranking_N.htm
http://raisingamazingdaughters.wordpress.com
We have simply become---thankfully---a society that recognizes child abuse when it is confronted with it.
Like a poster mentioned above...threatening to burn the property of another adult or (through implied threat) denying them freedom of movement will get you arrested.
Yet some people think that it there is nothing wrong with treating a child in that fashion.
Lets start producing our own goods and products that we need for ourselves as we used to do before alot of big greedy; manufacturing, importing, shipping, and retail corporations,
decided to sell the USA down the river, so that they could make huge massive profits and become even more super-super wealthy, at the unsustainable expense of the rest-vast-majority of the American people, the citizens,
bringing bankruptcy, doom, devastation, and utter destruction, which will follow through to its completion shortly, if we don't stop and reverse this whole; massively-imbalanced, unneeded, non-profitable, disasterous,
anti-American wide-open, out of control, foreign-free-trade, importation of goods and products, from; China, Japan, Korea, Taiwan, Asia, OPEC, India, and Mexico, policy !!!
The time is now to tell the US Congress, No More !!!
Save the USA's economy and moral standing, stop importing from China, Japan, and the rest of Asia too !!!
Lets start producing our own goods and products that we need for ourselves just the way we used to do !!!
Lets start producing our own goods and products that we need for ourselves as we used to do before alot of big greedy; manufacturing, importing, shipping, and retail corporations,
decided to sell the USA down the river, so that they could make huge massive profits and become even more super-super wealthy, at the unsustainable expense of the rest-vast-majority of the American people, the citizens,
bringing bankruptcy, doom, devastation, and utter destruction, which will follow through to its completion shortly, if we don't stop and reverse this whole; massively-imbalanced, unneeded, non-profitable, disasterous,
anti-American wide-open, out of control, foreign-free-trade, importation of goods and products, from; China, Japan, Korea, Taiwan, Asia, OPEC, India, and Mexico, policy !!!
The time is now to tell the US Congress, No More !!!
Save the USA's economy and moral standing, stop importing from China, Japan, and the rest of Asia too !!!
Lets start producing our own goods and products that we need for ourselves just the way we used to do !!!
I have no problem with Chinese or Asian people who are kind to animals and who are also greatly offended by,
the massive amounts and high level of barbaric animal cruelty going on in; China, Korea, Taiwan, Japan, Phillipines, and other Asain countries too !!!
And to leave behind Asias; weird, bizzare, strange, and immoral-unethical food choices !!!
All it means is that you are recognized as an expert in a field of knowledge (in the eyes of the academic world) and are therefore qualified to TEACH it at the university level.
"Doctor" being derived from the Latin word for "teacher".