Are parents happier than their childless peers?
For the last five years or so, I've answered that question with a resounding "no." Statistics (not to mention anecdotal evidence) led me to believe that parents tend to be more stressed and less happy.
In some ways, this seems understandable, even obvious. Folks without kids can go to yoga or hang out with friends without having to find a babysitter (or negotiate with a spouse). Childless people don't panic over stranding their kids at school when a meeting runs late, or lay awake at night worrying about how to keep the kids' health insurance, or feel overwhelmed by mountains of laundry and plastic toys and permission slips.
But now three new studies throw a wrench in the previous research. The studies, to be published in the journal Psychological Science, find that parents report higher levels of happiness and positive emotion and have more "thoughts about meaning in life."
Some parents, that is.
Young parents and single parents don't fare as well: Unmarried parents are unhappier than people without kids, as are parents under 26 years old. (Parents over age 63 don't differ from their childless peers.)
Then there's the gender gap. While it's true that parents on average report greater happiness and satisfaction with their lives than their childless peers, this is actually because fathers are driving the averages up. Mothers don't show a big uptick in happiness by having kids. It's really the dads that are happier.
Parenthood, it turns out, is only associated with greater life satisfaction and happiness among fathers.
As a feminist mother, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a tad resentful about this.
Anyone who has looked at the statistics on household division of labor knows that moms typically bear the brunt of the unfun housework that comes with child-rearing, not to mention the logistical backflips of the highly-scheduled childhood.
I'm not saying that men don't do housework, because they do. And, on average, they are doing more than they have in past generations. But every day, mothers are doing housework and caring for family members for nearly four hours, compared to dads' three hours.
What's more, housework in the U.S. is still very gendered: Women do more laundry and dishes and cleaning; men do more yardwork. I know I find gardening on the weekends more fun than battling the dishes in my sink morning, noon and night. So perhaps that extra hour of work, and the different type of work, makes moms less happy than dads.
But my resentment will buy me nothing in the happiness department. Focusing on happiness as a zero-sum game gets us nowhere in our fight for equality.
Here's why. First, we all presumably have the same goals; namely, to raise happy and healthy kids, and to find happiness ourselves. And a happy father is, generally speaking, a good father. We know that positive emotions make us better parents -- when we are feeling good, we are more likely to be better listeners, warmer caregivers and to be more consistent in our discipline.
Second, it is better for our own well-being and the well-being of our children if we are cultivating (and modeling) what Buddhists call mudita rather than cultivating and modeling resentment. Meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg describes mudita as "vicarious joy," or "the pleasure that comes from delighting in other people's well-being rather than begrudging it." Experiencing another person's happiness vicariously really can bring us great happiness; happiness is very contagious. In fact, happiness generally spreads three degrees, affecting not just our friends, but our friend's friend's friend's.
For example, my own dad is about the happiest father imaginable. He takes my daughters to the dentist, volunteers at their swim meets and takes them out for ice cream once a week. The pride, pleasure and great meaning that he gets from his fathering activities is obvious, contagious and moving. When I watch him with my children, I feel a deep contentment that is hard to come by in other ways.
I'm not suggesting that structural and cultural changes aren't in order to correct the happiness gender gap among parents, or that it is okay if dads' happiness comes at the expense of moms'. I am suggesting that this Father's Day, we should celebrate the fact that fathers tend to be happier than their childless peers, as this bodes well for everyone, not the least of whom are mothers and children.
Maybe your happiness on Father's Day will come from a moment of reflection, as a dad, about the ways parenting is satisfying. Or, maybe your happiness on Sunday will come vicariously, through the fathers in your life. Either way, Happy Father's Day.
Fathers: What is it about being a dad brings you the most happiness and life satisfaction?
Mothers and others: How do you derive vicarious joy from watching the happy dads in your life?
---
© 2012 Christine Carter, Ph.D.
Become a fan of Raising Happiness on Facebook.
Follow Christine Carter on Twitter
Sign up for the Raising Happiness monthly newsletter.
Follow Christine Carter, PhD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/raisinghappines
I will also say there is no question whatsoever that fatherhood made my life better. I also think the studies are meaningless without breaking them down into smaller details. For one thing, it's a no-brainer that people who are financially stable and planned the pregnancy (and are usually a little older) should be happier with parenthood than people who had an "accident" or a child born between parents who are not "together." Do the studies take this into account?
Also, I expect dads would be generally happier because we don't romanticize marriage and parenthood as women do. Women almost always set themselves up for a letdown, because they expect this fairy-tale BS dream. Men usually go into it with a healthy sense of fear, only to discover that it's actually pretty fun. At least that's my experience...
According to the latest University of Michigan Institute for Social Research (ISR) study men spend 14 hours a week more than women outside the home.
Hey, in reference to another HP article, "Why You're not Married"...here's why.
In addition to insisting that men learn to cook, clean, and look after kids, many women decided that the best way not to be caught in the housewife / mother trap was not to learn any of this stuff, and ultimately not to do it.
I find that I look around at many of the single women I know, and I shudder. I listen to them giggling about how stupid and useless men are, and it makes me glad that I can take care of myself. Women think that they have finally arrived at a place where they don't need men any more. They can make their own money, and modern technology makes much of men's strengths and skills obsolete. However, I have news for those women who think that this gives them a leg up on us men: many of us don't need you, either. We can cook, clean, and look after ourselves.
For men like me, the only remaining reason to start an intimate relationship with a woman is her personality.
Which is why so many of us are single.
Having had the experience I have as a stay at home parent, on a certain level, I find the "feminist mom" title/dynamic to be interesting. Understanding how women today do not want to wind up subject to abusive/controlling husbands/males, there is this nuanced dance between some husbands and wives where men are taking on more traditionally feminine/female roles in parenting and marriage as women are rejecting the same role(s).
After my experience, I have found it interesting how some women advocate that men take on more and more of the role in the marriage/parent that they themselves have rejected as being counter to their own interests on numerous levels. Being a stay at home parent was beneficial to both children and most def beneficial for my wife as my time enabled her to aggressively advance her career, her income, her savings, her investments, her opportunities, her social circles, and the people she has been seeing over the years while I was at home caring for two small children.
It has been pretty interesting seeing how role reversals can actual manifest typically male behavior in some women in such regards to activities outside the home and marriage under the banner of feminism.