Is Your New Baby a Marriage Wrecking Ball?

Yesterday, two things happened:

• I had two separate conversations with new parents about how having a baby can be like a wrecking-ball to a marriage, especially in the first year.
• Three different people asked me what tips I'd give parents who want to raise empathetic children.

These conversations are related.

First of all, I want new parents everywhere to know that it is totally normal for that adorable bundle of joy to cause a tailspin in your marital satisfaction. An abundance of research shows that this happens to the vast majority of couples: Statistics vary, but most studies indicate that 70 to 90 percent of couples report being less satisfied with their marriages after a baby is born.

Here's the thing: Just because it is totally common for us to start feeling, say, hostile, toward our partner when junior comes home from the hospital, it doesn't mean that those feelings are harmless -- to the marriage or to junior.

In fact, hostility between parents can seriously harm a newborn baby's nervous system. When parents fight, baby doesn't feel safe, and this is one of the most important things for proper emotional, intellectual and even physical development. Far from being oblivious, pooping blobs, babies are highly attuned to the world around them. They may not understand what their parents are fighting about, but their nervous systems detect that something is wrong.

One important antidote to the decline in marital satisfaction is to get more sleep, but that is a different blog post.

Another important way to keep your marriage from self-destructing is to practice empathy with your partner. I love John Medina's recommendation for how to develop an "empathy reflex," which he describes in his book "Brain Rules for Baby," which, if you don't have it already, you should run out and buy.

Here are Medina's two steps to take when your partner is looking at you with rage, disgust or even just mild irritation.

1. Describe the emotions you think you are seeing in your partner. Say you go to work and your partner has been home alone all day with baby. You come home, and he or she immediately unleashes on you for being late. Instead of pointing out that it is only 5:36 and you promised to be home by 5:30, say something like, "You look exhausted. And furious. You are clearly about to blow a gasket."
2. Make a guess as to where those emotions are coming from. Continue, "You couldn't have clocked more than three hours of sleep last night; you must be feeling unbelievably crappy because of that alone. And it doesn't help that I got plenty of sleep, woke up, showered without interruption, and then jaunted off to the office, where I have engaging work, adults to talk to and lunch in restaurants that don't involve pureed peas which eventually land on my collar. I'm so sorry that I'm late, honey. I appreciate all you are doing right now."

This is the companion technique to the one I describe in "How to Pick a Fight," where you express appreciation and an "I-statement" when you have a bone to pick with your beloved.

Developing Medina's "empathy reflex" (along with the techniques I describe in this post) will reduce the hostility in your marriage. It will also have another important benefit: Practicing empathy with your partner will help you raise a compassionate child.

Children do what we do, not what we tell them to do. For example, if you have a child who tends to be defensive when she's arguing with her siblings (as I do), it's probably not going to be all that effective simply to say to her, "Don't be defensive," when she's doing it.

It will be more effective to model other ways of reacting to conflict -- namely, by accepting at least some responsibility when your co-parent or spouse accuses you of something.

So when you're on the verge of a heated argument with your partner (or your children, if they are older), take a step back and make a real effort to understand where your partner's coming from -- what he or she is feeling, and why he or she might be feeling that way. Then, as carefully and sensitively as you can, try to convey this to your partner (I'm sure he or she will correct you if you are wrong).

You're boosting the odds that your children will eventually develop this same reflex with their siblings and friends, with you and, yes, maybe even with their future spouses. This "empathy reflex" is at the heart of compassion because it primes us to both see other people's suffering and put ourselves in a position to help them.

***

© 2011 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

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Comments

[Fran Jaime]

01:47 AM on 03/30/2011

I think this post does not take into consideration the hormonal imbalance that is still present postpartum. Sometimes, hormones make you lash out and it's out of your mouth before you know it. It's not an excuse at all, just an explanation.

[Terri Lorz]

11:39 AM on 03/26/2011

Lack of empathy and understanding means catering to a child's every wish - and the child becomes like a tyrant - because of the parenting - I think - Terri Jo Lorz

[Terri Lorz]

09:57 AM on 03/26/2011

Empathy is really a key to a great life all around. Terri Jo Lorz

[MochaLite]

09:01 PM on 03/25/2011

If you're trying to raise empathetic children, how about not starting out viewing them as marital wrecking balls?

[bidalah]

03:39 PM on 03/25/2011

I don't see too much to disagree with in this article. Not too much to agree with either; just a lot of fluff.

I am curious though. To illustrate an discussion of empathy, why did you pick 3 of the whitest, 'cutsiest', blondest, white people I've ever seen, all dressed in white? I am white and normally not prone to analyze every editorial layout decision I see by race, but damn! What were you trying to convey with that?

[MochaLite]

08:58 PM on 03/25/2011

Yeah, I wondered about that too. Looks like an ad for toothpaste.

[Joseph Burgo PhD]

02:00 PM on 03/25/2011

I don't believe someone can become empathic by learning the correct things to say. It's not a technique, it's an emotional capacity that you grow through the experience of having others around you (i.e., your parents) truly empathize with your own experience.

Joseph Burgo PhD
http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com

[Liza2008]

10:57 AM on 03/26/2011

I'm not a professional like you, but based on my layperson's life experience I disagree. These suggestions are not just about what to say - they're about what to think. Instead of just getting angry, the article suggests you stop and think about the other person's perspective. That IS something that can be learned, become habit, and make you a more empathetic person.

[themainpoint]

11:23 AM on 03/25/2011

I believe children are born with a natural empathy and then are greatly shaped and influenced by the examples set for them.

[Carol Kallas]

08:41 PM on 03/24/2011

I was blessed to have a most pleasant and easygoing newborn/infant. I breastfed so yes, I was interrupted during the night for a few minutes at a time, but I got enough sleep that I was not a basket case.In fact I slept very well. When I heard the baby start to fuss (not scream) I picked her up out of her bassinet and took care of matters. Baby care is a cake walk compared to the rest of childrearing, so please try to enjoy it! Ladies, if you have a working spouse/partner, be grateful there's someone there to support you so you can stay home with your baby! Does motherhood stop being fun once the (constant attention and showers are over) baby comes? I guess I just don't get it. Here's a tip. If your baby is all wound up, maybe you need to figure out a way to find to mellow out a little.

[Cunningham]

03:02 AM on 03/25/2011

I hope you never have a coliky baby. A cakewalk it's not.
Enjoy your little bundle of joy.

[religionfree]

04:51 PM on 03/24/2011

If you want to raise empathetic kids, please don't teach them religion. We have enough hate and intolerance in this world.

[Liza2008]

11:00 AM on 03/26/2011

When I first read this comment I thought it was a non sequitur, but then I remembered this study finding that religious people are much more likely to support torture: http://articles.cnn.com/2009-04-30/us/religion.torture_1_justified-evangelicals-torture?_s=PM:US

Not sure if it's correlation or causation but it's definitely food for thought.

[sweetgreensnowpea]

02:27 PM on 03/24/2011

i clicked on "how to raise empathic kids", yet the title of your post is "is your new baby a marriage wrecking ball".
i find your points valid, and extend to all relationships.
i shared it on facebook because i appreciate empathy. compassion. reverence for life.
i'm not sure how many are going to be interested in the latter title.

on a lighter (and snarkier) note...from anon
"before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
that way, when you criticize someone,
you're a mile away
and you have their shoes."

[warloch2]

02:19 PM on 03/24/2011

Children almost always emulate their parents and if not the parents then the people they admire. If their parents or the person the child admires are self-centered then the child will most likely become self-centered. If parents or the people that children admire are dishonest or angry or jealous then the children will almost always be the same. Children learn from the people that surround them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhqRMP9meMc

[Jason Ungar]

01:25 PM on 03/24/2011

As a stay at home dad to a 3 year old and 1 year old (since the 3 year old was 3 months old when we decided based on economic reasons my wife would go back to work..) I am happy to report we are in the other 30% to 10%. I would say our marriage has gotten better and we communicate better. But it was also a good marriage before our kids came along. Maybe it's because of our role reversal or age (we are older parents, I turn 40 in a week, she is 35)

[mito0]

06:28 PM on 03/24/2011

spooky!
i was about to type the exact same thing, ages and all!
:-o

[Jason Ungar]

05:40 PM on 03/25/2011

wow..crazy!!!

[Cunningham]

03:04 AM on 03/25/2011

Have a great time on your special day. Happy 40th birthday! (a little premature : )

[Jason Ungar]

05:39 PM on 03/25/2011

Thanks!!

[eumenides]

12:41 PM on 03/24/2011

I thought this article would be about something else. But while raising our 3 children, now all in their twenties, we volunteered together, we bought a toy and then went an donated a toy, we bought a new pair of jeans or top and then went home and picked out what we would donate in return. We learned carpentry together in Appalachia and I taught my daughter how to weld. It was fun and all three continue as young adults to sense need, give and enjoy doing so.

[jf12]

12:29 PM on 03/24/2011

This article doesn't address lashing out, which comprises most expressions of hostility. In lashing out, expressions of compassion and empathy are punished by the other partner.

[SteveDenver]

12:01 PM on 03/24/2011

1. Be less selfish
2. Be as helpful as possible from generosity and care, not duty
3. Remember the three most important words in any adult relationship: "Does it matter?" You don't always need to be right and your partner doesn't need you pointing out they are wrong.