Have You Talked to Your Kids About Racism?

Chances are, your kids spent at least some time recently talking about the civil rights movement in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I've been quizzing the kids in my life about what they know and what they've learned about Dr. King. And what they say is a little surprising.

Sitting in the back of my minivan, a few kids (aged seven to nine) seemed fixated on the violence surrounding Dr. King's death. Others told stories of segregated playgrounds, water fountains and buses. None have discussed racism as being a problem today.

Me: Do you think that people can be prejudiced?

Molly: Definitely in Disney movies.

Friend 1: What?! Which Disney movies?

Molly: Like "The Princess and the Frog." That movie is racist.

Me: Molly, what does it mean to be racist?

Molly: Black and white people separated. All the poor people are black in that movie, and most of the white people are rich. That shows racism.

Friend 2: That's not true. I love that movie, and I'm not racist. It takes place in the olden days.

Fiona: It wasn't really that long ago, my teacher says.

Friend 3: Did you know that people used to swear at Martin Luther King? We saw a movie in school and we heard a lady swearing at him when he was a kid.

Silence.

Friend 3: He got shot. Like those people in Tucson.

More silence. I try to think of what to say.

Fiona: I think Ainsley [her friend who is black] would make a great president.

Molly: Yes, she made a good speech at "All Together Now" [a school assembly].

I find myself holding my breath during most of these conversations. But as uncomfortable as it can make you, here is my Walking the Talk challenge this week: Keep talking to the kids about race.

Research shows that although more than half of parents don't deliberately talk to their kids about race at all, the parents who do talk about race in their family tend to have kids who are better able to identify racism when they see it, and who are more likely to hold positive views about ethnic minorities.

I know that my kids notice the differences in skin colors and lifestyles in the diverse community in which we live. This is normal. Research suggests that our attunement to racial difference is biologically based.

But there is, of course, a giant difference between noticing a difference and feeling superior to that difference, between categorizing someone as having a different ethnic background and ascribing negative stereotypes -- or any stereotypes at all -- to that background.

To raise children who aren't prejudiced, the vital first step is simply to talk to children about race. In her Greater Good essay on the topic, psychologist Allison Briscoe-Smith shares compelling evidence that these conversations, if awkward, are powerful:

A study done by Frances Aboud and Anna Beth Doyle took nine- to eleven-year-old children who held prejudiced attitudes toward ethnic minorities and placed them with other nine- to eleven-year-olds who held less biased beliefs. They asked the kids to talk for two minutes about some of the race-based beliefs they had endorsed earlier in the study. The results were remarkable: after these conversations, the high-prejudice kids demonstrated lower prejudice and more tolerant attitudes. Given this impact of a two-minute conversation with a peer, imagine what a childhood of conversations with parents could achieve.

Knowing how to have these important conversations and knowing what to say isn't easy. I'm not surprised that one of my conversations with kids about race turned up a comment about the Tucson shootings; racial hatred and political violence are close cousins.

For that reason, here's a place to start: President Obama's eulogy for the victims of the Tucson shootings. I find his speech to be a source of inspiration and a springboard for conversations with the kids about race, particularly passages like this:

We may not be able to stop all evil in the world, but I know that how we treat one another is entirely up to us. I believe that for all our imperfections, we are full of decency and goodness, and that the forces that divide us are not as strong as those that unite us.

For more ideas about how to raise unprejudiced children, pick up the Greater Good Science Center's book, "Are We Born Racist?"

Do you talk to your kids about race? If so, how old are your kids, and what sorts of things do you talk about?

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Comments

[vippy]

05:46 PM on 02/02/2011

The children are fine with it, no explanation necessary.  But then there are the adults, and then explanations become  necessary. 

[KLMwrites]

07:19 PM on 02/01/2011

Kids see color, of course they do. What they don't see is barriers that come with racist assumptions. Racist kids are made, not born, and exposure to different people eliminates all prejudice. And we talk about this, all the time. http://www.returntoworkmom.com/

[KeepLeft]

11:45 AM on 02/01/2011

Race is a construct that is learned. My kids never saw color and we had to tell them about it.

My daughter wanted to point out her new friend to me on the yard and spent a couple of minutes describing pants and tee shirt colors before I twigged into thef act that it was the one black girl on the yard. When I said "oh the black girl." she said "I guess so..."

I then looked all over the yard and saw for myself that the "black" kid was lighter than many of the the Hispanic kids or the Indian kids.

Racism is taught. I wonder if we never taught kids those words whether we could eradicate many of the problems in a generation...

[Social Shrink]

05:13 AM on 01/31/2011

It's hard to talk to kids about racism or bigotry if parents are biased themselves. For example, if a parent is not accepting to the fact that their child is gay. Children learn by example, whether or not it's been discussed with their kids.

[Philclock]

02:24 AM on 01/31/2011

No.

I talk to "my kid" (I didn't know he was a goat!) about common sense, being respectful to others as they are our fellow human beings, standing up for himself, obey the law, keep out of other people's business and do what he says he will do, on time.

Racism is other people's business, and that of the law.

[BlueZoo]

07:42 PM on 01/30/2011

If you walk the walk, there's no need to have the talk! White parents who do not disparage anyone of color ~ whether black, red or yellow ~ who are kind in word and in deed do not need to have a special talk with their children unless the children ask. Actions speak a lot louder than words when it comes to racism!

[llisa]

11:14 PM on 01/30/2011

Sounds logical, doesn't it. Studies have shown it's not true, though.

http://articles.cnn.com/2010-05-18/us/doll.study.parents_1_white-children-black-parents-black-children?_s=PM:US

http://www.newsweek.com/2009/09/04/see-baby-discriminate.html

I gave my granddaughter, then about 20 months old, two gorgeous dolls. One white with blond hair and blue eyes, and one brown with black hair and brown eyes. She just turned two. She seldom plays with the medium skin-toned doll. it just sits in her room. She carries the blond baby with her everywhere, puts it to bed, puts it in time-out, sings to it.

I found this strange because the darker, dark haired, dark-eyed doll looks just like my granddaughter.

[BlueZoo]

11:57 PM on 01/30/2011

The links you provide are studies, very small studies, done on older children, not babies. Older children will always choose a doll they feel looks just like them. Children, even 18 month old children, see what is on television and they can easily deduce that blond haired women are shown more than dark haired women. Even those of us who are of an advanced age identify with those most like us. I, for example, have very fair skin and gray hair - like Helen Mirren. I could not possibly identify with Maya Angelou, a woman I greatly admire, as I look nothing like her. It's just human nature!

[Skiwee]

05:23 PM on 01/30/2011

Monkey see, monkey do.

[physicsfem]

01:23 PM on 01/30/2011

The whole idea of this article assumes the reader is NOT a person of color which, to me, is kind of racist. I have no choice but to talk about racism ...just look at the title of this article--it obviously wasn't written for people like myself (POC).

[llisa]

11:16 PM on 01/30/2011

I was thinking the same thing! I wanted to ask what my daughter and her husband should say to their adopted, half-black daughter about race. Though they have friends who are black and mixed-race, their child has no family who look like her.

See my post above about her doll preference.

[LisaCACO]

11:25 AM on 01/30/2011

we're black. we don't have the luxury not to talk about racism. must be nice to be able to pretend it doesn't exist.

[SrAN]

07:03 PM on 01/29/2011

Racism and children. Now here is an interesting topic. Children are a blank slate and this could be taken to many different places. Either you can ignore the assumptions children make themselves about other races or people in general, afraid that you may damage their fragile psyche. Or you can tackle this head on, at an early age. I am going to be a first time mom come this spring and I can say I choose the last option. As soon as my child is old enough to start to draw conclusions about the world around her I want to be there to engage her about what she sees, feels, and hears. When misconceptions arise (like why one little girls hair looks different then hers or why one girl prays differently than she does) I want to face it head on but also be gentle about it. It is a delicate balance to hold but one that I am looking forward to facing. For the record, I am white. Does that matter, I don't think so.

[hwjone]

06:49 AM on 01/30/2011

Good for you. Talk to them early and often and back it up with positive actions. Have friends over who are of different ethnic backgrounds. Set up play dates with other infants and toddlers of different ethnic backgrounds. Don't waint until your daughter is old enough to start to draw conclusion­s about the world around her, Start earlier because kids start making assunptions about the world a heck a lot earlier than we expect.

Oh yea, congradulations. Sounds like you're starting out on the rugt foot.

[SaulBloodworth]

07:14 PM on 01/30/2011

"Children are a blank slate and this could be taken to many different places. "

No, they are not.

[swancj]

11:54 AM on 01/29/2011

Being a family of mixed race heritage, OF COURSE we talk about race and racism. We discuss diversity in our family, in our community, or the lack of it in the institutions in which we participate. When we see it on the news [and yes, even our 10 year old has a pretty good idea of current events, because we discuss them] we talk about racism, multiculturalism, diversity. We actively participate in programs that promote diversity and multiculturalism. We talk with the white grandparents about white privilege and with the Native American, and African American relatives about how racism and the pressures to assimilate have created internal issues within our communities. The people I know who never ever talk about race, or think about it, are all white people who function with such oblivious privilege that they can manage to keep those blinders happily to their eyes. If you are a person of color in this country, your children have learned about race, racism, diversity - even if you never say a word. If you are white, you can manage with a little effort to never really know a person of color well enough to even have the topic enter your bubble. But hey, you can also use that oblivious ignorace to believe that racism is all in the past, and shouldn't be 'rehashed' every generation because it bothers you. Just read some of the comments in this section.

[llisa]

11:18 PM on 01/30/2011

Exactly.

[XFilesTheTruthIsOutThere]

10:21 AM on 01/29/2011

I don't have the pleasure of having children at this time, Should I ever be blessed to have a child(ren), I would want to engage them in how different our world is. Explain to them that despite the difference in color you will come across during your life's journey, always remember that we're all god's children.

Teaching them that a person should be judge by their merits and not by the color of their skin. I will also teach them that there is prejudice in the world but never waver in what was taught to you.

I think every parent should have a conversation with their children as soon as you feel they can comprehend the topic of race.

[tnlcallen]

05:28 AM on 01/29/2011

I was lucky with my kids. I was in the Navy when they were growing up, and we always lived near a Navy base. The Military was one of the first places in America to be integrated, and so communities around military bases are integrated as well. My kids always had friends of all colors. I didn't really have to teach them anything. They were able to learn from experience.

[KrugnacTheMagnificent]

02:56 AM on 01/29/2011

I don't see the benefit of re-inflicting these old wounds on every new generation.

Every child is a blank slate, on which we can scrawl bigotries, h8tred, and pain if we so choose.

How would it be if every Christian taught their child that Jesus was brutally merdered by Jews, and then took it a step further to tell them to watch out for Jews trying to merder Christians today?

MLK did some great things for this country, and we should focus on his message rather than his merder. As kids get older, they can learn more about the historical circumstances as a point of reference, but I don't see the value of trying to draw equivalencies with today's culture.

We should celebrate with our children the positive and universal truths that MLK taught and believed, rather than dwelling on violence and pain.

[griggsville]

04:25 AM on 01/29/2011

As the son of a Christian minister and missionary, I WAS taught that the people who killed Christ were Hebrew/Jews. I was also taught that, according to the Bible, Jesus and his disciples were born Hebrew/Jewish, that He came to fulfill Jewish Law, not to destroy it, and that the Jews were God's chosen people.

And when I learned that MLK was a flawed man, it did not diminish him as a leader in my eyes. It just made him more accessible, and less god-like.

If you truly want your kids to look beyond color, you should teach them the WHOLE truth about history AND today, warts and all. That way, they won't fall off the wagon the first time they see something that contradicts what you taught them.

[swancj]

11:47 AM on 01/29/2011

Jesus was crucified by Romans, not Jews. If you have as poor an understanding of American history as the basic bible stories, you really should learn it first before worrying about what it all means.

[colourful]

02:23 AM on 01/29/2011

I have a 5 year old and a 4 year old. When the five year old identifies someone that does not look like herself, she references their hair. She says things like, “She has black hair like me; she has golden hair, he has curly hair, or she has short hair.” I’ve also hear her say, “She speaks Spanish, I want to speak Spanish too.” But i've never heard her mention race - not even during the MLK celebration (thought that was odd). I've never heard my 4 year old mention anything at all - not even the hair stuff.

I just asked my husband if he’s ever heard either of them, and he said he remembers the 5 year old saying something once, but he couldn’t remember what it was…

My husband and i talk about issues of race with one another, but when we do it, we always spell the race out - even when we are talking about our own. Both of us agree that we will talk with them about racism when they bring it up.

[llisa]

11:23 PM on 01/30/2011

My mixed-race foster grandson is the same way. Until I meet his friends, I have no idea what race they are by the way he describes them. One is "the boy who draws super heroes better than me". Others are "the boy who has that Spiderman shirt like mine" and" the girl who had her birthday party at McDonald's.