My husband has a dream: separate bedrooms. It's a dream he's had for a while. It's a simple dream, yet one that can create serious complications in a marriage. And two single beds in the same room (a la Lucy and Ricky) won't do. In his dreamland, my husband requires his own bedroom with his own bed and a door that closes. But the reality is that we live in New York City, where having an apartment with an extra room is as likely as winning a $300 million Powerball lottery.
Don't get me wrong: My marriage isn't in trouble (that I know of). We're not separating or getting divorced. My husband doesn't want his own bedroom because we fight and slam doors and need to spend time apart. He dreams of separate bedrooms because he finds that he gets a better night's sleep when he's alone.
I suppose the cat and I should be offended, insulted and hurt by my husband's dream. But the truth is, I kind of understand it, and, weirdly, even sort of support it.
Let me back up. Why can't my husband sleep well through the night with me in the same bed? Well, for starters, our full-size bed feels small, and is getting smaller all the time: I'm 19 weeks pregnant. So take my expanding self and add my husband, our 14-pound cat and my giant, snake-like pregnancy pillow; basically, we're all sleeping on the equivalent of a cot (or not sleeping, as the case may be).
The obvious question: Why not just save up and buy a bigger bed? Well, our bedroom is small-ish and oddly configured, so a queen-size mattress is as large as the room will accommodate. But believe me, we discuss making this investment.
And then there are the external, ambient factors. I like a dark room, whereas my husband isn't bothered by light from street lamps. I can't live without my Sleepmate white noise machine; he prefers complete quiet as he falls asleep. I'd prefer the bedroom to be a little warm and cozy; dear one would be happy bunking in a walk-in freezer. He likes to retire early; I'm a night owl. I'm a comforter person; he's a scratchy Hudson Bay blanket kind of guy.
Okay, I lied. Sometimes we fight.
There are plenty of nights when my husband retreats to the comfy couch in our "second bedroom" (the office) and crawls into a sleeping bag he's had since college. These days he claims this is all for my comfort and well-being. "You and your pregnancy pillow need your space," he'll say. "You have a bad cold and need to get better," "You have an early doctor's appointment," and so forth. But I'm pretty sure the fact that I'm knocked up is just a convenient excuse for my husband to temporarily act out his longtime domestic fantasy of separate bedrooms.
Thing is, now that I'm getting bigger by the day, I'm beginning to share my husband's pipe dream. My pregnancy pillow and I do require a fair amount of space, and as far as our cat goes, forget it. Every night he sprawls out on my side of the bed, and the vast space he takes up has always been non-negotiable. In sleep space battles between my husband and the cat, the animal with more legs always wins.
Then there's the inevitable question of sex. Not to get too graphic, but my husband and I have always managed to make time and space for it regardless of our geographical location or the time of day, so I'm not too worried that having separate bedrooms would negatively impact us in this capacity.
Still, I wondered how abnormal my husband and I would be or seem if we actually had separate bedrooms. So I asked Dr. Deirdre Barrett -- a New York-based licensed clinical psychologist with many couples clients -- for her take on the subject:
What is "normal" and healthy is when both partners in a couple can negotiate a mutually-agreed-upon way to live together, whether that means separate bedrooms, separate vacations, etc. What this requires is a partner who knows his or her own mind, is able to ask for what he/she needs and is willing to be moved by the mind and needs of the other partner.A benefit would be that the partners have gotten what they ostensibly wanted: Separate bedrooms. This is good as long as both partners were truly comfortable with the decision in the first place. It's possible that it could be detrimental if one partner went along with the idea, but didn't really want it. That's why it might be a good idea to give separate bedrooms a trial run before the couple makes a major commitment to it -- renovation or furniture-wise.
Also, if the couple tends to initiate sex only when they're already in bed together, they'll have to develop alternative methods for sexual intimacy.
So, according to Dr. Barrett, if my husband and I ever do mutually decide to have separate bedrooms (and have the real estate luxury to do so), our relationship would most likely be okay. Hell, maybe it would even improve!
But I realize that I haven't given my husband a chance to express the reasons behind his cherished separate bedrooms dream in his own words. So, for better or worse, he's what he has to say:
This post originally appeared on Blisstree.com.
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We had a couple of decades of snuggling all night, and enjoyed it. We still snuggle often on the couch or in his bed. But we are more comfortable and get better sleep in our own rooms now.
There's nothing wrong with sleeping separately; "sleeping together" is just a euphemism, right? ^_^
However, I don't understand why people continue to associate intimacy with sex. There's more to a truly fulfilling relationship than that. While you can find time to get it on even if you have separate rooms, there's now the missing of sharing your personal space with the person you claim to care about most. Once you have kids, cuddling will be more rare, so that kind of closeness needs to be replaced. What better way than by sleeping next to each other? It's not like you have to have your arms all wrapped around one another.
I think that's why people are choosing separate rooms; a warped view of what it means to "sleep together". All we see in movies & on TV are couples that are completely intertwined with one another all night long. That is not real. It's uncomfortable to have someone lying on your arm for more than a few minutes. And if one person is even slightly active during the night, there's going to be accidental hitting & kicking if you're "too close".
My wife & I sleep in the same bed, but we don't go out of our way to be all up inside each other. We might cuddle a bit as we lie down, but during the course of the night, we find our spots in the bed; sometimes face-to-face, sometimes back-to-back, sometimes on total opposite sides. But, for us, at least we are sharing space. :)
I will admit that working nights there are times I wish I had the bed to myself but he makes the effort to be on the same schedule as I am so he won't wake me up during the day so how can I object.
a room with total darkness, a jillion pretty blankets and feminine decor, and a lock so the kids won't scramble into my room and wake me up with their nighttime jabs and kicks. when i am well rested so is our household, everything functions more smoothly and i have more patience.
and intimacy reigns when i'm not cranky wanting to catch up on sleep. i don't mind shortchanging myself some sleep when we like to be intimate, and cuddling up afterwards is that much more special bc it feels fresh, new, like a novel type of thing.