10 Tips For Twenty Something Transformation

The past two weeks, I have blogged about the rite of passage for today's twenty something woman (part one and part two). Below are ten brief tips to keep in mind during this time of transformation or really any stage of life as we are all consistently presented with unique challenges and changes:

1. Be present. This is a tough one because we spend so much time in our twenties obsessing about what we will be and who we will be with. Take the time to just be. Living mentally in the future constantly only creates anxiety. Yes, set goals and consider your future while committing to action steps that are attainable and realistic. And then just accept where you are. Trying to figure it all out is fruitless and robs you of the present moment.

2. Stop comparing. Don't look at everyone else around you to determine your worth. There will always be someone more successful, richer, prettier, wittier, thinner, and so on. Who cares what your friends are doing? Focus on what you want and be grateful for what you already have. Find individuals who inspire you rather than people you attempt to measure up to. We are all on different paths, carve your own.

3. Stop caring about what other people think. Other people's opinion of you or your choices is just that - an opinion, not the truth. It's your life so get in the habit now of living it on your terms. Don't let your fear of someone else's reaction stand in the way of your dreams. Be kind, but be you. And most importantly, don't personalize things. Often people give us feedback that is a bit rough around the edges. You can still hear the feedback if it is relevant, truthful or helpful without getting hurt.

4. Tune in. We all have intuition; we just do not always know how to access it or want to listen to it. Pay attention to your gut feelings. The more you listen to your intuition, the louder and more accessible it will become. And you can't hear your inner voice when you are only listening to the voices of others.

5. Don't wait for permission, approval or validation. Many of today's twenty-somethings grew up with over-involved parents who guided their path and patted them on the back along the way. Now it's time to be your own head cheerleader.

6. Make choices. Today's twenty-something has an upscale problem: an abundance of choices which often leads to making no choice at all. If decision making is a weak skill, find ways to build your decision making muscle. Resist the urge to call your friends and parents when faced with a decision. Make little choices each day on your own, without consulting anyone else (unless of course your choice directly affects another or others).

7. Make mistakes. Perceived failure is often how we learn the most. I have learned more from my mistakes/failures than any of my accomplishments. Mistakes are often the catalyst to accomplishments. Playing it safe only keeps you comfortable and it is only when we are forced to push beyond our safety zone that we discover our potential.

8. Do things alone. Young people often like to travel in packs or yearn for a permanent "plus one." Learn to be your own companion first. Be single for an extended period of time. Go to a movie alone. Go to dinner alone. Or best yet, travel alone. Be open to discovery.

9. Build your tribe. All of us need a tribe that extends beyond our family and consists of both peers and elders. Cultivate your personal and professional relationships by networking, seeking out mentors, and calling upon the wisdom of older generations. Ask questions to the people who have "been there, done that" and listen carefully to their answers. And ask for help or support when you need it. Yes, independence is important but needs to be balanced by interdependence and connection. And by connection I mean live, face-to-face interaction. Facebook will not nourish your soul.

10. Be of service. Don't just be part of a tribe, contribute. Many people comment that self-reflection and introspection is or feels selfish. Well it is if that is all you do. As you are in this phase of life when you are learning more about who you are and what you want, make the time to give to others. Not only will it get you out of your own head, but when we step into the attitude of service, we uncover amazing and untapped qualities. It is in the act of giving that we receive the most.

And if I were to give one overarching tip it would be to enjoy the learning process that is part of any transformation. And life is a series of transformation. Change is inevitable. Careers, relationships, money, houses, good times and bad times will come and go. But we have the choice in how we respond to all of those things. As Victor Frankl says in Man's Search for Meaning, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." And when you are free, you can fly.

Comments

[That Guy]

Question for the author..
How many times have you been to Burning Man?

[xtina8o4]

Anyone who criticizes this article is close-minded or missing the point. Thank you so much for this, it is truly very helpful.

[inthecolour]

My favorite one is "Be Present."

I need to work on that.

[grasyknol]

So do I.

[Bitsko]

Here's an observation -- when you're in your twenties, you're naive and people walk all over you. But don't worry, things get better as you get older (except for the getting older part).

[PresidentRobertBooth]

Ladies, if you could transform yourself into Anne Hathaway, it'd be appreciated....by me

[Kessei]

This just gets increasingly ironic.

"Be present," "Stop comparing," "Stop caring about what other people think," and "Don't wait for permission, approval or validation" then leads into "stay single for an extended period of time" (and "make mistakes" which is definitely a new one - consciously make mistakes? could we instead say, "Don't obsess over having made mistakes"?).

The "stay single" bit is something which is repeated almost ad nauseum in your advice columns. What's your beef with long term relationships? It seems as if you think those people who marry in their early 20s are somehow stunted.

Good grief, get over it already! Maybe it was right for you to stay single, but your own advice suggests that maybe it isn't right for -everyone-.

And, besides, so what if someone's early marriage doesn't work out? Then they've made a mistake, and have therefore STILL managed to fulfill your bizarre advice.

[xtina8o4]

I assume that by ironic you mean contradictory? Nonetheless, I'm not sure why you're so hypersensitive to her relationship advice, it isn't like she's directly suggesting that people break up wtih their partners or avoid love at all costs. I was in a relationship for 3 years that I never would have ended had certain circumstances not arised...it was the greatest pain of my life, however I am now starting to see why it is so important for me to be single at this point. It's difficult to grow as a person when your person is entwined wtih someone else; it's hard to focus on who you are and what you want to become when you're worrying about the happiness of someone else.

I'm not even sure how being present and not worrying about other people or what they think of you is "ironic" (or contradicts) her relationship advice?

[Kessei]

I was referring to the entire line of articles, and so did mean "irony". And in telling people to "be single" she is obviously contradicting her advice to "listen to your intuition" and "living on your terms" and so forth.

As for having it be difficult to "grow as a person" when you're "entwined with someone else" because you're "worrying about the happiness of someone else" - that's called codependency. In which case, the better advice is to avoid toxic relationships, or tell a person to stay out of intimate relationships if she has a tendency to cling and/or define herself by them.

I don't think I'm "hypersensitive" when people suggest that those who have long-term relationships are unable to "grow as a person," as you put it. That strikes me as an extremely judgmental outlook, and even rather bigoted (after all, many ethnic sub-cultures and religious groups encourage long-term relationships and "early" marriage - are they now to be considered less self-aware than those of us who are remained single?). What about women who ended up having children in their late teens or early twenties? Will they be treated as perpetual children themselves now?

A bad relationship is obviously a bad relationship. But arguing that in order to develop as people we should remain single? Well, that's just absurd. Let's have no one ever have a long-term relationship, then, if we stop growing as soon as a ring is on our finger.

[Therese Borchard - Huffpost Blogger]

Great post! I've really enjoyed this series of pieces. I am going to feature it in a column that I write for Catholic News Service. Thanks, Therese

[IcemanXTS]

Great article, all very valid points.