Adultolescence: Not Just a Man's World

My post last week entitled Adultolesence: The Difference Between Men Who Won't Grow Up And Men Who Just Wanna Have Fun had to do with the Peter Pan syndrome many twenty-somethings take on. I appreciated all the comments about this topic and wanted to address one question in particular, "Why are there two men on the "tease" picture on the front page of HuffPo and why is this piece written exclusively about males?"

Adultolescence is in no way exclusive to men. Last week's question just happened to be asked by a male about his male friend. Many young women are also playing around in Neverland opting more for instant gratification. So no, the Peter Pan syndrome is not solely male territory. And as a fun, historical digression did you know that until the Disney movie, the role of Peter Pan was usually played by a young woman?

When a female gets stuck in adultolescence, it looks similar to the male version. The same mentality applies: fun and easy is good, responsibility and difficulty is boring.
One HuffPost commenter shared the following about female Peter Pans, "My group of female friends is divided. I'm part of the group that went to school, worked during school and came out with a degree AND work experience - landing a job that required both. We all make around the same salary and are starting our MA, MBA, CPA training. The other group consists of the girls who had parents who paid for their undergrad education, partied and had the "C's get degrees" attitude...majored in Comm or Psych and now work either as cocktail waitresses or are in "sales." Their jobs are between 15K-30K less than ours, but their hours afford them the ability to go out during the week and to arrive hungover to work the next day. They are ultimately "party girls" who are tons of fun, but they're swimming in debt while continuing to buy the newest LV purse. All of them are partying and are hoping for the rich husband who will bail them out of the debt and allow them to quit their jobs."

While this description is extreme, it does touch upon themes I've seen in my work with and research about today's twenty-somethings (Gen Y). Females who get stuck in adultolescence are often fiscally irresponsible and naive. Female Peter Pans are also more likely to be financially dependent upon their parents than men - and parents are more likely to give money to a daughter than a son. Of course there are exceptions to this, but we have not completely cleared traditionalist thinking that men who take money from Mom and Dad are weak.

Women in adultolescence focus on having a good time and keeping up with the latest trends. Some invest a lot of time and energy in looking for Prince Charming - or whoever will charm them in the moment. Building a career and working long hours are not as much of a priority or a desire. Although their lifestyle may seem appealing, many are painfully insecure and put extraordinary effort into looking good to compensate for how they feel inside. Over-achievers can be just as insecure, we just compensate by pushing ourselves and taking on more (and yes I put myself into the over-achiever category because my twenties were all about doing and proving). And young women who hear the ticking of the biological clock feel additional pressure to accomplish things on a timeline so a layover in adultolescence is not an option. Bottom line, the twenty-something years begin the lifelong quest for fulfillment and contentment - some take a layover in Neverland while others take a direct flight to grown-up life.

There are many more stereotypes I could write about and generalizations I could make about female Peter Pans, but instead I'd like to focus on how to support a young woman in getting out of adultolescence if it seems like she is heading on a path to nowhere. While men and women often take different approaches to advice, many of the things I mentioned in last week's column still apply. No one can come in as a magical fairy godmother and reality check someone out of adultolescence. So if Patricia Pan is your girlfriend, try to validate her based on her characteristics and accomplishments rather than reinforcing any external attributes. Share what you are learning about grown-up life and ask her questions about her future plans. But remember not everyone wants to escape from escapism; however, as I said last week, eventually every Peter or Patricia Pan wakes up.

If you are a parent of an adultolescent, ask yourself if you are enabling your child or supporting them with healthy boundaries. She (or he) is not going to leave Neverland if you keep footing the bill. Parents who enable Peter Pans (male or female) either by regularly buying them things they could not afford on their own or supporting them financially extend their child's trip to Neverland.

And a few words about what I mean about responsibility. Let me refer to the good old fashioned dictionary which defines responsibility as "the quality or state of being responsible (able to answer for one's conduct and obligations and able to choose for oneself between right and wrong); moral, legal, or mental accountability; reliability, trustworthiness." Responsibility does not mean selling out. And success does not mean working 60 hours for corporate America, owning a home, getting married and having 2.5 kids with a white picket fence. We each define our version of success, which is hard to do when you are not taking any responsibility.

Responsibility is a choice just as much as adultolescence is. Everyone has the power to make their own choices now which will effect both your present and your future. So have fun, but choose wisely.

- Christine
Please send me your questions by posting them in the comments section below. You can also email me at [e-mail]

Comments

[alejo699]

HuffPost's Pick

I tried the "responsible" path -- got a desk job out of college, bought a house, bought a new car, wore a suit, struggled for promotion -- and I was miserable. I hated waking up every day but I was doing what I was "supposed to." Finally I had enough. Quit, sold the house, moved across the country and got a job in video game development. I eat out whenever I want, I don't have to clean the gutters, I wear clothes I like, and I am debt-free. Does that make me an adultolescent? How about the fact that I don't want kids because they'd cramp my style?
Well, from my point of view, where lots of my "responsible" friends are up to their eyeballs in debt trying to make sure their rugrats have all the best toys, I'm the smart one. If "responsible" means working away all my free time for the slim home of a pay/status increase ... I'll pass. I love getting up in the morning!

[dubster]

This article is right on the mark. There so many fledgling young women that idolize Paris Hilton, place so much value on idiotic, frivolous, and absurd matters or people. What really resonated was the typical girl who had the "C's get degrees" but partied their way through college and graduated w/ out even knowing anything about the real world let alone their own field of study or major. Then they continue that same little girl mentality w/ them. Another thing that resonated was how Christine Hassler was saying that they are still naive, which is sad because it's true. These type of adolescent women are the main reason that make intelligent, hard working, intellectual, and business savvy women discriminated against. Because these immature women perpetuate the same old female stereotypes. Thus, men see this and judge broadly based on the aggregate of women that act like adolescent boys. Unfortunately, I don't see it getting any better at the college level. Our universities are filled w/ these same types of girls that are naive and frivolous and don't care about substantive or pertinent matters because "thats boring". I will continue to stay optimistic, however.

[WasteNJ]

Take it from a 34 year old IT pro who still rides his BMX bike, just be an individual and be happy doing what you like to do. Other people's opinions and impressions seem to matter more to women, but nobody is qualified to judge anybody else.. We all have to work, but we don't have to be slaves.

My fiancee's friends fit neatly into the category of the partying, dental assisting, late 20's, looking for a man to save them group. Lately a few have peeled off and are now in the getting married and acting pseudo-sop­histicated­, obsessing over wedding details and the latest white BMW sedan group. Living beyond their means but not seemingly conscious of it yet.

That's American society.

[Blueneck]

Some time ago I dubbed these people "twenteens". Not that thirty is the magic age, but reality has a way of rearing it's head by about thirty for most of these people.

[edtastic]

Selfish desire for status and success is a weak motivator for some.

Incompetent parents failing to raise their children with the value of self reliance because giving their kids crap made them feel good.

The hippy's grew up and decided doing what you feel like doing is the best way to raise kids.

I blame the baby boomers they took just let their kids go to do whatever they wanted and we get what we got. The rewards for adult behavior are not attractive as they used to be. The truth is the only thing to look forward to is retirment and avoiding poverty in the event your parents become ill or some how unable to support you. Responsiblity is underrated in the society. We do not applaud goodness we are to busy following sluts, ballers, pimps, and gangsters of varying stripes. I mean to say the superstars are famous for their badness not their goodness. Good people have little status in the American Media. We applaud the bad, ignore the good. Good is boring, predictable, lame, nobody wants to be good as a means of acheiving if you follow the media. It is a dysfunctional culture, the new children will sort it out and make the needed corrections.

[Roses]

Ahhhhh! The old 'blame the parents' theme.
I've always wanted to ask someone when they throw that tired old saw around about 'the hippys did.....' to explain woes. Just who were the parents of 'the hippys'? Could it have been members of the Greatest Generation­?HMMMMMM..­.....

In my younger days I was what was known as a "hippie". My parents were military, WWII generation. My two other sisters were also "hippies". We have grown kids now. None of them are living with us or borrowing money from us. They all went to college and they all have jobs.

[cinemaven]

So true Roses!!

My parents didn't tell me anything about self reliance and they certainly weren't hippies. I'm a boomer and I educated my kids on credit card rates and taught 'em how to do laundry. They're both much more ready that I was to be adults but even though I wasn't ready, reality kicked in pretty quick when I was married and what I didn't know... I learned.

I know my grandparents didn't prepare my parents any better for adulthood but they also learned pretty quick.

Edtastic, the rewards for being an adult are just the same as they ever were. There are still lots of responsible people (the majority, I believe) and there are always going to be people who don't grow up (of their own volition). My uncle was an alcoholic and lived his whole life for himself... my bro-in-law is just like him and he's two generations away from him.

[InfinteShibumi]

So true. That Kate Moss was rewarded for her wayward behaviour (drugs, trysts, etc.) with fantastic major fashion contracts was beyond real. The fashion industry could have set the definitive standard (she did lose a couple of contracts). Instead, they opted for financial returns based on sensationalism. I don't understand why they didn't invest in another model(s). There are so many of them, after all, who've been waiting for their day in the sun. Moss has been around for well over a decade.

[expanse]

Too many people think once you hit adulthood the fun should stop. I know too many adults who do nothing but work and sleep. They never have fun. They never go out with friends. Like look and act miserable. So it can go both ways. You can be fiscally responsible, mature but still go out and have fun. Just because you are an adult doesn't mean the fun has to end. But oftentimes, that is exactly what happens.

Why do so many think they can't have fun once adulthood hits?

[freedomisabsolute]

Petra Pan would have worked better. But either way I have known some adultolescences and the problem with them is that they do adult things, in child-like ways. It is all about being a functional healthy person. Instead of realizing that they could probably make a career out of being a beach bum or whatever it is they want, but instead they shirk their responsibilities like a kid ditching school and can become dregs on society.

People can do whatever they want but they need to remember eventually your parents might stop giving you money, your liver will not process the alcohol like it should and if you'd ever dreamed of a real relationship the ship might have sailed away from Never Never Land taking Wendy with it.

Have fun but be responsible.

[cinemaven]

I think Adultolescence is a misnomer for what you're describing. It's more of a result of our sense of entitlement and the need for instant gratification.

I'd guess we all have friends who pay credit cards with more credit cards and think it's ok. I have one who just baffles me. She has EVERYTHING and I've seen her drop $400 on a pair of shoes without blinking but she is up past her eyeballs in debt and her home is about to be foreclosed on. I'm not sure what caused her sense of entitlement or how she can think of buying more crap when she's in such trouble but just last week she bought her son (21) a $600 guitar because he thought he'd be a good guitarist based on his Guitar Hero scores.... her husband is as clueless as she is.

My hubby was recently laid off for several months and for the first time in our lives, we paid bills with our credit card and depleted our emergency fund. We work hard to keep the limit revolving so we don't incur the interest but today, our only card is almost maxed. It'll take us about 6 months to catch back up but for us, the future is as important as the moment. Sadly, that's not true for too many people these days.

[JTaverner]

LOL at "Guitar Hero" - there was a small study not long ago that showed actual guitarists' (talented ones) skills diminished from playing "Guitar Hero" - what kind of fantasy world are people living in where they think they can be a musician based off some semi-skilled hand/eye coordination? Since I am really good at "Silent Scope" I should be able to get in easy as a Marines scout sniper

[cinemaven]

*lol* my son still laughs over that... he's a guitarist and has saved his own money for the 3 guitars he owns (he just bought a beautiful fender strat and he's got a bass and an accoustic) but his guitar skills come from playing the guitar, not guitar hero. He's lining up a friend to buy the guitar she bought her son "in case he never learns to play"....I­'m betting that's what'll happen since when she bought him $1500 in scuba gear because he wanted it, he never learned to dive and the stuff went to my son. (jeeze, I hope she never finds me on huffpo or the gravy train will stop *lol*)

[lisakaz2]

When was life easy? I missed that part. Never saw it: ever. I guess some will say for me it i now, since I lack the typical adult responsibilities (children/husband). I'll trade. Have fun with my MS or whatever it is. I'm sick of it.

[pizzmoe]

I never thought of Peter Pan types as being in their 20s. I thought of it more as someone on the 40s or 50s, etc.

[vipersdad]

Thank you Christine! Much appreciate someone who reads comments and responds so thoughtfully!

Great piece, by the way.

[Fenianheart]

Ok, so we've got equality on Huffpo concerning "adultolescence", how about some equality in pictures? Every time an "article" like the hottest flag bikini is run, can you post Beckham's new underwear ads, or the like? It DEFINITELY is a man's world.

[Incredulous]

This all sound like sour grapes to me! Bitter, unhappy people trapped in a life of their own making, jealous of their friends who have forgone traditional commitments and are happier for it. Adultolescence, Peter Pan Syndrome, call it whatever you like. I'll continue calling it sour grapes.

[InfinteShibumi]

Frankly, I'm incredulous you're incredulous.

[LordMoon]

The question remains, what are the motivations for someone to grow up in our society?

It used to be that adulthood conferred certain freedoms on adults, now it's just the opposite.

Now adulthood, has become a lifetime of debt, uncertain personal relationships, and practically no societal support for raising children.

The focus now is on all of the freedoms, without any of the responsibilities.

As long as we seem to think that we can financially exploit those who behave like adults, ad infinitim through expoitive credit devices, unreasonable taxes and social disincentives like child support and alimony, then we will have a problem with people wanting to grow up.

[kathy001]

Perhaps this is true for you and, if so, I sympathize. And the media certainly does play up your take on adulthood. However, I don't see this as being true for the majority of adults - at least the ones I know. We take responsibility for our entire lives, the debt, the relationships and the raising of our children. When we have problems in any of these areas we are grateful for any and all help available but we do not demand the help as our right. And when we work our way out of problems we learn and we grow and we feel good about what we have accomplished.

Is our society full of exploitation devices? Certainly. I think all societies are, to one degree or another. But that's another thing we, as adults, need to take responsibility for. It is within our power to get laws passed to prevent some of the worst of the exploitation. And we can help each other by passing on our experiences when we work ourselves out of a problem.

[LordMoon]

My own awareness on this subject, is based on hundreds if not thousands of contacts with others throughout this country. And maybe because I am in a profession that sees what is happening, now that the facades and sympols of our culture are breaking down, due to our own culture wars and predation by corporate America, my view is much different less positive than yours. And maybe in that sense it is skewed.

Yes, people are doing their best to keep up appearances, however that is becoming more and more dificult to do given our present economic and social realities.

In point of fact, not all societies exploit their working class the way this one does. Nor does it demand that the victims take responsibility and carry the shame, essentially for conditions that have been imposed upon them.

Witness, a New Orleans, still struggeling, neglected, when it deserves so much more, while Billions are spent else where.

Yes, to the Ego of a "doer", there is no problem that cannot be solved, or solved positively. Immpossible to sit by and do nothing, even when you completely misunderstand, the natural and logical conseqences of your world view.

[werbenjagermanjensen]

Not every woman is cut out to have a serious professional career. Some would be much happier being stay at home wives and mothers. However, men these days are spoiled. If they can be persuaded to marry (which is increasingly rare) they want wives who keep house for them and raise their children AND bring home full-time wages.

Some men are threatened by a wife that has a bigger salary or more prestigious career than they do, so they look to "marry down." Others are more than glad to snag a wife who makes a good living; this sort of man tends to have expensive tastes and a heartbreaking inability to hold down a job himself.

[RobinSeattle]

Unfortunately, you are wrong.

Many men are against marriage because they get screwed in the divorce courts, which almost always view the woman as a victim and the man as an a priori bad actor. Also, what rational person wants the government in bed with them?

Secondly, There is no option for men to quit to raise the children because WOMEN WANT men to bring home the bacon like daddy did. They want men chained to a desk or a machine until they die. Even if a woman decides to let her spouse be Mr. Mom for a while, eventually she will feel uncomfortable about it and demand that he return to work. Part of that will be due to her girlfriends questioning her man's masculinity.

In addition, studies indicate that it is WOMEN who are uncomfortable with their man making less. Most women like the alpha male. It is just a fact of life and feminists, not wanting to seem dependent and greedy, spout this crap about male uneasiness vis a vis a high earning wife.

Thirdly, many women aren't willing to accept a lifestyle that doesn't necessitate dual incomes. Too many are shopaholics. That he doesn't help with the housework is probably something she noted when he lived on his own (guys apartments are inevitably messy) but yet decided to marry him anyway. She can try to change him, but she will grow bored if he changes too much since there will be no more challenge left.

[bethinCary]

Yep--women just love & thrive on getting divorced-living that "Peter Pan" lifestyle of raising thier kids left by the marriage while having to unravel and figure out thier own lives in the process. And the courts are always so terribly generous and fair when it comes to equality distribution between the sexes in divorces huh? Yet this is perfectly fine for men to do-pick up a jailbait wife-diss their kids--for their own selfish,narcisstic fountain of youth....
Women are shopaholics-because most of the time they can yell,scream, and cry--and still not get the workaholics', keepupwiththJones, materialistic hubs' attention since he's too busy checking stock reports..
So women are shopping to get their hubs' attention-or to make themselves feel better for the lack of attention.­.

[cinemaven]

I'm sorry for whatever happened in your life to make you so bitter and angry.

I've read all of your posts in this thread and have a few comments.
I was a stay-at-home mom but I had never imagined myself in that role. My husband and I were married for 5 years before we BOTH made the decision to have a child. When we had our son 2 years later, I was being fast tracked on my chosen career path and didn't imagine for a second that I would give it up. However, the reality of being a mother threw me a few curves. The first being the fact that my breasts came to work with me and my child didn't. I didn't know anything about the overwhelming (for me) need to be with my child. I worked for 6 months and then my husband and I BOTH agreed that I should stay home. We gave up an awesome home and easy drive to work and moved far away to a tiny house. I don't regret a moment.

We BOTH had to accept the loss of a dual income. We both do housework equally and both of us had to change... that happens when you become parents, whether you want it to or not.

I'm blessed to have married (and stayed married for 28 years) to a wonderful guy and he's pretty blessed himself.

[petecook5]

"Thirdly, many women aren't willing to accept a lifestyle that doesn't necessitate dual incomes."

YES! I think you hit the nail on the head. I have the ability to live frugally and happily. My wife however has to have it all. Children. A bigger house. A better car. New stainless steel appliances etc. etc. etc. etc.

I love her to death. But she will continue to work until retirement or she finds another husband willing to support her in a manner more to her liking. Either way...I'll be OK.