Adultolesence: The Difference Between Men Who Won't Grow Up And Men Who Just Wanna Have Fun

Dear Christine,

I have a friend whose lifestyle bothers me - half of me is envious and half of me is concerned. Since college graduation, I've been busting my tail to build a good future for myself. Meanwhile my friend seems content to work at low paying jobs that aren't going to take him anywhere and spends his free time partying, chasing girls, or doing other things he really can't afford but puts on his credit card - like a recent trip to Rio. It's like he's regressing to a really immature teenager, yet he seems to be having a lot more fun than me. Do I try to encourage him to grow up or do I take a cue from him and start enjoying my 'glory days' more? ~Bewildered Best Friend, 28, Los Angeles

Dear Bewildered Best Friend,

Sounds like your friend has a severe case of "adult-olescence;" his mindset is far below his numeric age and he continues to play at being an adolescent when he's really an adult. I often refer to it as the "Peter Pan Syndrome." Your friend is in Neverland -- a place outside of time where you get the freedoms of adulthood without all of the adult responsibilities of mortgages, spouses, children, aging parents, and all the other things that make eternal adolescence seem so appealing! But it can be a form of escapism, denial, and delayed adulthood, and it's accomplished by a lot of play, feelings of invincibility, and self-obsession.

So what do you do as his friend? Let's address the jealousy first. I'm sure listening to his stories about hooking up with Brazilian girls makes your cubicle driven life seem pathetic. On the surface, the Peter Pan Syndrome sounds attractive, but don't get too green with envy -- every Peter Pan eventually wakes up. In fact, underneath, most Peter Pans feel a twinge of fear and long for a sense of purpose. Living a fast-paced life while racking up debt is basically a way to avoid growing up. Your friend is using this carefree lifestyle as a way to ignore the underlying questions about the lack of direction he feels. His trips to Neverland will eventually come with reality checks - but it's not your job to give them to him.

All you can do is share from your own experience while not lecturing him so that your intent won't come off as condescending, nagging, or envious. Also, if you are consistently complaining about your job or the stress in your life, you aren't really the best poster-child for the responsibility route. Talk about the wins you are having along your career path and what you are learning about money. As he sees you achieving success in your life hopefully he will begin to see his choices and behavior are not supporting any long-term goals.

Also make sure you aren't inadvertently enabling his irresponsibility. Don't go along for evenings out all the time if you don't want to deal with adolescent behavior. If you think something he's doing is stupid, don't play along. And don't lend him any money if he's a little short and needs to get by. Let him know you will be happy to help him learn how to manage his money, but that you won't be a crutch. Take a look at the people he hangs out with the most. If they all have the same mindset, then he is remaining in a delusional comfort zone. Maybe reconnect him with old friends who are working towards goals. Keep in mind you can show your friend the possibilities, but it will be his choice to start learning and growing. If you try to force him, it may lead to feelings of resentment in your friendship. Sure, you don't like the image of him you see in 10 years if he doesn't change, but that is his life, not yours.

And speaking of your life, yes, you do need to take a cue from him in terms of having some fun. If your life is all work and no play, you are going to eventually burn out. It's important to do the things you really want to do before you have even more grown-up responsibilities. Life is all about balance, so don't neglect the guy inside who wants to have some fun. Every once in a while know it is ok to give yourself a trip to Neverland.

-Christine

Please send me your questions by posting them in the comments section below. You can also email me at [e-mail]

Comments

[inexiledeo]

I think the main point here is that your life needs to have balance. You can't be too out of whack in either direction.

We could just as easily write about career obsessed 20 somethings who work 90 hours a week in search of more (status, money, responsibility, etc).

I work for a corporation, but I also take improv classes, make a point to read good books, grab a beer with friends, and play video games. You have to do a little of everything or else you'd go crazy.

I'm also opposed to being responsible for responsibility's sake. Sometimes you really just have to do something careless and out there-- it might be the most fun you've ever had.

Finish the sentence: "A life without regrets is a life... "

[generaldelivery]

Articles like this are invariably written by women. When they say "immature", they really mean "un-married". They are outraged to find that there are men who won't go willingly into the noose of marriage. Having a man live up to his own expectations instead of "settling down" and supporting a women and giving her the chance to pro-create is their worst nightmare.

[IntrepidReader]

Nowhere in the letter do I find that the party dude has tried to borrow money, though there's the pea green enviousness of the "trips he can't really afford" comment that indicates Mr Cubicle has no idea whether his pal has credit card debt or not, he just hopes that he does, because it would just be sooooo unfair if he didn't. The fact that he wrote this letter to an advice columnist tells me Mr C spends a lot of time thinking about his buddy's life and desperately wants to be patted on the head for being a "good boy" in comparison.

His Brazilian chick-banging buddy may not be "building a future" for himself, but he probably isn't upside down in a mortgage and an SUV, either--that fate is more likely to be falling on the Mr Cubicles of this world.

Oh, yeah, one last thing: Studies are showing that the myth of the lonely, sad single person is a myth. They actually are found to have more friends and loving support networks than married couples do--unless they're like Mr Cubicle and so busy building a future that they don't have friends or a social life. If that's the case, their patron saint should be Ebenezer Scrooge, who dedicated himself to success in business and cast aside his girlfriend and all frivolity in the pursuit of it to the point that it took 3 ghosts to scare him into becoming an adultolescent!

[jukesgrrl]

The term "adultolecence" reminds me of a quotation I've heard attributed to Winston Churchill, "I admire a manly man and a womanly woman, but I cannot abide a boyly boy."

[CDMelty]

"Dear Christine, My name is Gus, my friend's name is Shawn. Watch us on Psych!" Seriously though, doesn't every main character have the irresponsible fun-loving sidekick, or vice versa? The question is, where do the fun-loving guys end up retiring? I'll tell you where, all alone in a nursing home on 20/20.

[wmbear]

But oh, the memories....

[frankky]

There's always talk about men who won't grow up but what about women who won't grow up?
They talk about it like if it was a male only issue, the fact is that there's as many irresponsible
women as there are men.

[wmbear]

SORRY CHRISTINE...

If I had to choose, frankly, I'd rather be Bewildered's friend than Bewildered. I've spent my life being responsible (and having SOME fun too but not nearly enough!) If I had it to do over, I'd choose the freaking Brazilian babes....

[UtahLiberal435]

There's no particularly good reason to 'grow up,' especially in this age, where der Korporation will evaporate your job in a nanosecond, regardeless of performance ratings, just to protect the executive inner circle. Sure, you don't want to max out credit cards, but to all you folks who slaved for straight A's, clawed through the cubicle culture to "VP" status, and bought into the big house, big car, endless kids thing: How happy are you?

Me? I quit college, became a ski bum, worked in outdoor retail jobs and went on climbing expeditions. The only course I ever flunked in college was Writing 101, because it was hugely boring . Now I'm an outdoor photojournalist traveling 9 months a year and getting paid well to do trips y'all have to shell out huge for - if you can get the week off. In 25 years of continual employment, I've never even been asked for a resume.

Granted, I've disappointed several women who were seeking to retire early and raise a litter of kids in between tennis and equitation lessons, but that was always their problem.

Tip tho: Cut up the credit cards, except for your Amex. And read your bank statements; They matter.
Second tip: Avoid American girls, especially ambitious exec types, and any chick who has ever lived in a ski town.
Third tip: Brazilian, Thai, Phillipino, and Romanian girls rock. Smart. Cute. And not hung up on commitment.

Party on Waynes!

[LittleSanityLeft]

The issue of debt and irresponsible spending isn't a "peter pan" attribute which is why I won't address it. Woman have equal problems in this regard. But the need for family and children has more to do with the woman's birth cycle then men acting as boys. The fact is the year a woman turns 30 and every year following the chances of her giving birth drops considerably. For men this is of little concern, for woman it's of huge concern and here in lies the issue. Woman penning columns about men as boys is like men penning columns about woman being prudes. The offering opinion is misguided from the start by the writers personal tastes and emotional perspective.

The responsibility of being a father, a faithful husband and what is means to be a man in today's society isn't gleaned through osmosis or imprinted on the Y chromosome, it's something that needs to be discovered through time, self discovery and experiences-both good and bad. To the men who get it by their mid 20's, congrats. To the men who get it by their mid 30's, congrats. In either case woman get men who are truly ready for commitment, understand the responsibility of raising a family, and most importantly: these men know themselves and in a society of men being forever defined by woman, it's important that a confident man can pass on such self confidence to their children.

[Tulka2]

Darwin rules. To be flip...? Drones, baby. Too many males. Let these guys be who they are... please! For the sake of good women. My brother-in-law pursued a career that left him pretty poor. Now, at age 50, he seems to have his feet under him finally. A smart and great woman married him last year and they will have a baby this autumn. If he would have "grown up" and married twenty years ago....? Disaster and more fatherless children. Hey. There are plenty of men who want families. Leave the boys alone to be themselves.
And then ....In Ireland, for many years, because of that land's economic history, many men did not marry. They were called "boys" even as old men. To an African American man, "boy" is one of the worst things you could call him because you would be implying economic impotence. There is an economic as well as a character component.

[WireDolly]

I hear a scary refrain underneath all those pleading for "more responsibility":

BIRTH - SCHOOL - WORK - DEATH

There is far more to life than that. Most people fall for the societal pressure to pop out Baby #1 by their 30th birthday, and then are guilt-complexed for the rest of their lives trying to "look responsible" and it's "for the good of the child(ren)". What a racket this is. We don't need any more babies at nearly 7 billion on this planet and from what I can see, people aren't having nearly enough fun. They're being fearmonger, gouged and manipulated into someone else's view of domestic tranquility.

I have an idea: do what you want. And if your retirement fund is less than ideal, then retire to some sunny country with a very favourable exchange rate where you don't have a heating bill. Chances are there will be plenty of your compatriots there to keep you company.

[faroutgone]

Yeah... I mean... Right now I'm interning at a fortune 500 company, working on a PhD and Masters, playing guitar in two bands that gig at least weekly or so in LA (on hold for the intern thing, but I'm still writing music), holding down a relationship with a foxy lady, and somehow managing to stay sane.

I've made a gripload of mistakes and had a ridiculous amount of fun at the expense of my future, I've been institutionalized only 4 times (for mania, not depression, surprised?)... so you know... I figure I'm not dead yet. and work/school? That's just more playtime if you do it right.

Try to stay healthy and well rested, that's all I can offer in terms of advice. Oh yeah, that and follow your dreams.

[JymmyZ]

I guess most of you haven't seen "American Beauty". That movie speaks to this situation, and to the general malaise most men are finding themselves in. "Fight Club" is another perfect movie that exemplifies the male rejection of the white-picket-fence life trapped with wife, kids, dead-end cubicle-farm job, living in the suburbs, just being the "proper successful man" we're supposed to be.
The only mistake the target of this woman's envy has done is live beyond his means. So what if he's not settling down. At least he's not trading peoples mortgages in for high-risk security bonds and collapsing the nations economy, or committing grand fraud on the scale of billions. Not everyone wants responsibility and are quite happy sacrificing some of the rewards of such positions for the freedom to pick up and leave whenever they want, to where ever they want.
Who ever sits on their deathbed and regrets experiencing life to the fullest? At the end of it all you can be sure that that guy will have lived a life filled with far more wonderful sights, experiences, and sensations than the writer who spites him, and he'll be a much happier person for it.

[MiddleRoadLiberal]

I'm living in Awesomeland. Not only am I purposely only working low paying jobs that won't get me anywhere, but I'm also not having any fun or doing anything other guys my age do.

All you people who are working stiffs trying to make as much money and have no fun are just jealous of the people that make no money and don't apply themselves that are having fun. I get the best of both worlds.

[DocSue]

So why are you spending time on the Huff Post?

[terbatime]

Some think that the problems lies with the parents not raising their sons right, as I found in this article: http://www.realmanmag.com/raisingarealmaninametrosexualworld.html. Be warned, this article makes some good points, however the website is not for the easily offended. It doesn't contain any nudity, but it's all about information for men, and sometimes is a bit raw. Is the author correct in stating that men have become too feminine and that fathers need to step up? I'm not sure.

[lisakaz2]

Too feminine? I haven't seen it. They're still pigs (or 99.9% of 'em) as far as those I've unfortunately come across.

[TLV]

My two grown sons have learned everything about chivalry, responsibility, and showing true and lasting affection toward others through me...their Mom. What has their father been doing all these years while married to me? Exactly whatever he feel like doing. He spends every minute not spent at work on hobbies and sports. Not one of these activities that have filled his life has been spent with his sons. He acts as if each of these activities is just as, if not more important than, work!

As some people have said, "At least it keeps him out of the bars!" Well, it has also kept him from knowing just how wonderfully intelligent, caring, talented, and capable his sons really are. His deep and irretrievable loss. Theirs too, I'm afraid.

[Deaninphilly]

Are you kidding with that article link? Though some of the points are parenting 101 it seems they mixed it in with a lot of nonsense. "it's ok to cry when your sports team loses".

My father didn't have to "teach" or "show" me to respect my mother growing up. I did it already when I was a teenager. If your son doesn't know that by that point then neither parent did a good job raising the child.

Sorry, but a "real man" doesn't wait for the son to become a teenager before stepping in as a father. If you're filling your head with this nonsense and following it you are a bad parent.

[Economike]

Dear Bewildered Best Friend:
When faced witha dilema of this sort I ask myself, what would Bukowski do?

[GomboMan]

What would Bukowski do?
1. Vomit in a basket while sitting on the toilet.
2. Write a poem about vomiting in a basket while sitting on the toilet. (this may be read either way)



(disclaimer: Love is a Dog from Hell sits in my bathroom.)

[nancytheragingliberal]

Good bye. All of the Baldwin brother are great, but this one.......