Dear Christine,
I have a friend whose lifestyle bothers me - half of me is envious and half of me is concerned. Since college graduation, I've been busting my tail to build a good future for myself. Meanwhile my friend seems content to work at low paying jobs that aren't going to take him anywhere and spends his free time partying, chasing girls, or doing other things he really can't afford but puts on his credit card - like a recent trip to Rio. It's like he's regressing to a really immature teenager, yet he seems to be having a lot more fun than me. Do I try to encourage him to grow up or do I take a cue from him and start enjoying my 'glory days' more? ~Bewildered Best Friend, 28, Los Angeles
Dear Bewildered Best Friend,
Sounds like your friend has a severe case of "adult-olescence;" his mindset is far below his numeric age and he continues to play at being an adolescent when he's really an adult. I often refer to it as the "Peter Pan Syndrome." Your friend is in Neverland -- a place outside of time where you get the freedoms of adulthood without all of the adult responsibilities of mortgages, spouses, children, aging parents, and all the other things that make eternal adolescence seem so appealing! But it can be a form of escapism, denial, and delayed adulthood, and it's accomplished by a lot of play, feelings of invincibility, and self-obsession.
So what do you do as his friend? Let's address the jealousy first. I'm sure listening to his stories about hooking up with Brazilian girls makes your cubicle driven life seem pathetic. On the surface, the Peter Pan Syndrome sounds attractive, but don't get too green with envy -- every Peter Pan eventually wakes up. In fact, underneath, most Peter Pans feel a twinge of fear and long for a sense of purpose. Living a fast-paced life while racking up debt is basically a way to avoid growing up. Your friend is using this carefree lifestyle as a way to ignore the underlying questions about the lack of direction he feels. His trips to Neverland will eventually come with reality checks - but it's not your job to give them to him.
All you can do is share from your own experience while not lecturing him so that your intent won't come off as condescending, nagging, or envious. Also, if you are consistently complaining about your job or the stress in your life, you aren't really the best poster-child for the responsibility route. Talk about the wins you are having along your career path and what you are learning about money. As he sees you achieving success in your life hopefully he will begin to see his choices and behavior are not supporting any long-term goals.
Also make sure you aren't inadvertently enabling his irresponsibility. Don't go along for evenings out all the time if you don't want to deal with adolescent behavior. If you think something he's doing is stupid, don't play along. And don't lend him any money if he's a little short and needs to get by. Let him know you will be happy to help him learn how to manage his money, but that you won't be a crutch. Take a look at the people he hangs out with the most. If they all have the same mindset, then he is remaining in a delusional comfort zone. Maybe reconnect him with old friends who are working towards goals. Keep in mind you can show your friend the possibilities, but it will be his choice to start learning and growing. If you try to force him, it may lead to feelings of resentment in your friendship. Sure, you don't like the image of him you see in 10 years if he doesn't change, but that is his life, not yours.
And speaking of your life, yes, you do need to take a cue from him in terms of having some fun. If your life is all work and no play, you are going to eventually burn out. It's important to do the things you really want to do before you have even more grown-up responsibilities. Life is all about balance, so don't neglect the guy inside who wants to have some fun. Every once in a while know it is ok to give yourself a trip to Neverland.
-Christine
Please send me your questions by posting them in the comments section below. You can also email me at christine@huffingtonpost.com
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We could just as easily write about career obsessed 20 somethings who work 90 hours a week in search of more (status, money, responsibility, etc).
I work for a corporation, but I also take improv classes, make a point to read good books, grab a beer with friends, and play video games. You have to do a little of everything or else you'd go crazy.
I'm also opposed to being responsible for responsibility's sake. Sometimes you really just have to do something careless and out there-- it might be the most fun you've ever had.
Finish the sentence: "A life without regrets is a life... "
His Brazilian chick-banging buddy may not be "building a future" for himself, but he probably isn't upside down in a mortgage and an SUV, either--that fate is more likely to be falling on the Mr Cubicles of this world.
Oh, yeah, one last thing: Studies are showing that the myth of the lonely, sad single person is a myth. They actually are found to have more friends and loving support networks than married couples do--unless they're like Mr Cubicle and so busy building a future that they don't have friends or a social life. If that's the case, their patron saint should be Ebenezer Scrooge, who dedicated himself to success in business and cast aside his girlfriend and all frivolity in the pursuit of it to the point that it took 3 ghosts to scare him into becoming an adultolescent!
They talk about it like if it was a male only issue, the fact is that there's as many irresponsible
women as there are men.
If I had to choose, frankly, I'd rather be Bewildered's friend than Bewildered. I've spent my life being responsible (and having SOME fun too but not nearly enough!) If I had it to do over, I'd choose the freaking Brazilian babes....
Me? I quit college, became a ski bum, worked in outdoor retail jobs and went on climbing expeditions. The only course I ever flunked in college was Writing 101, because it was hugely boring . Now I'm an outdoor photojournalist traveling 9 months a year and getting paid well to do trips y'all have to shell out huge for - if you can get the week off. In 25 years of continual employment, I've never even been asked for a resume.
Granted, I've disappointed several women who were seeking to retire early and raise a litter of kids in between tennis and equitation lessons, but that was always their problem.
Tip tho: Cut up the credit cards, except for your Amex. And read your bank statements; They matter.
Second tip: Avoid American girls, especially ambitious exec types, and any chick who has ever lived in a ski town.
Third tip: Brazilian, Thai, Phillipino, and Romanian girls rock. Smart. Cute. And not hung up on commitment.
Party on Waynes!
The responsibility of being a father, a faithful husband and what is means to be a man in today's society isn't gleaned through osmosis or imprinted on the Y chromosome, it's something that needs to be discovered through time, self discovery and experiences-both good and bad. To the men who get it by their mid 20's, congrats. To the men who get it by their mid 30's, congrats. In either case woman get men who are truly ready for commitment, understand the responsibility of raising a family, and most importantly: these men know themselves and in a society of men being forever defined by woman, it's important that a confident man can pass on such self confidence to their children.
And then ....In Ireland, for many years, because of that land's economic history, many men did not marry. They were called "boys" even as old men. To an African American man, "boy" is one of the worst things you could call him because you would be implying economic impotence. There is an economic as well as a character component.
BIRTH - SCHOOL - WORK - DEATH
There is far more to life than that. Most people fall for the societal pressure to pop out Baby #1 by their 30th birthday, and then are guilt-complexed for the rest of their lives trying to "look responsible" and it's "for the good of the child(ren)". What a racket this is. We don't need any more babies at nearly 7 billion on this planet and from what I can see, people aren't having nearly enough fun. They're being fearmonger, gouged and manipulated into someone else's view of domestic tranquility.
I have an idea: do what you want. And if your retirement fund is less than ideal, then retire to some sunny country with a very favourable exchange rate where you don't have a heating bill. Chances are there will be plenty of your compatriots there to keep you company.
I've made a gripload of mistakes and had a ridiculous amount of fun at the expense of my future, I've been institutionalized only 4 times (for mania, not depression, surprised?)... so you know... I figure I'm not dead yet. and work/school? That's just more playtime if you do it right.
Try to stay healthy and well rested, that's all I can offer in terms of advice. Oh yeah, that and follow your dreams.
The only mistake the target of this woman's envy has done is live beyond his means. So what if he's not settling down. At least he's not trading peoples mortgages in for high-risk security bonds and collapsing the nations economy, or committing grand fraud on the scale of billions. Not everyone wants responsibility and are quite happy sacrificing some of the rewards of such positions for the freedom to pick up and leave whenever they want, to where ever they want.
Who ever sits on their deathbed and regrets experiencing life to the fullest? At the end of it all you can be sure that that guy will have lived a life filled with far more wonderful sights, experiences, and sensations than the writer who spites him, and he'll be a much happier person for it.
All you people who are working stiffs trying to make as much money and have no fun are just jealous of the people that make no money and don't apply themselves that are having fun. I get the best of both worlds.
As some people have said, "At least it keeps him out of the bars!" Well, it has also kept him from knowing just how wonderfully intelligent, caring, talented, and capable his sons really are. His deep and irretrievable loss. Theirs too, I'm afraid.
When faced witha dilema of this sort I ask myself, what would Bukowski do?
1. Vomit in a basket while sitting on the toilet.
2. Write a poem about vomiting in a basket while sitting on the toilet. (this may be read either way)
(disclaimer: Love is a Dog from Hell sits in my bathroom.)