Adultolesence: The Difference Between Men Who Won't Grow Up And Men Who Just Wanna Have Fun
Dear Christine,
I have a friend whose lifestyle bothers me - half of me is envious and half of me is concerned. Since college graduation, I've been busting my tail to build a good future for myself. Meanwhile my friend seems content to work at low paying jobs that aren't going to take him anywhere and spends his free time partying, chasing girls, or doing other things he really can't afford but puts on his credit card - like a recent trip to Rio. It's like he's regressing to a really immature teenager, yet he seems to be having a lot more fun than me. Do I try to encourage him to grow up or do I take a cue from him and start enjoying my 'glory days' more? ~Bewildered Best Friend, 28, Los Angeles
Dear Bewildered Best Friend,
Sounds like your friend has a severe case of "adult-olescence;" his mindset is far below his numeric age and he continues to play at being an adolescent when he's really an adult. I often refer to it as the "Peter Pan Syndrome." Your friend is in Neverland -- a place outside of time where you get the freedoms of adulthood without all of the adult responsibilities of mortgages, spouses, children, aging parents, and all the other things that make eternal adolescence seem so appealing! But it can be a form of escapism, denial, and delayed adulthood, and it's accomplished by a lot of play, feelings of invincibility, and self-obsession.
So what do you do as his friend? Let's address the jealousy first. I'm sure listening to his stories about hooking up with Brazilian girls makes your cubicle driven life seem pathetic. On the surface, the Peter Pan Syndrome sounds attractive, but don't get too green with envy -- every Peter Pan eventually wakes up. In fact, underneath, most Peter Pans feel a twinge of fear and long for a sense of purpose. Living a fast-paced life while racking up debt is basically a way to avoid growing up. Your friend is using this carefree lifestyle as a way to ignore the underlying questions about the lack of direction he feels. His trips to Neverland will eventually come with reality checks - but it's not your job to give them to him.
All you can do is share from your own experience while not lecturing him so that your intent won't come off as condescending, nagging, or envious. Also, if you are consistently complaining about your job or the stress in your life, you aren't really the best poster-child for the responsibility route. Talk about the wins you are having along your career path and what you are learning about money. As he sees you achieving success in your life hopefully he will begin to see his choices and behavior are not supporting any long-term goals.
Also make sure you aren't inadvertently enabling his irresponsibility. Don't go along for evenings out all the time if you don't want to deal with adolescent behavior. If you think something he's doing is stupid, don't play along. And don't lend him any money if he's a little short and needs to get by. Let him know you will be happy to help him learn how to manage his money, but that you won't be a crutch. Take a look at the people he hangs out with the most. If they all have the same mindset, then he is remaining in a delusional comfort zone. Maybe reconnect him with old friends who are working towards goals. Keep in mind you can show your friend the possibilities, but it will be his choice to start learning and growing. If you try to force him, it may lead to feelings of resentment in your friendship. Sure, you don't like the image of him you see in 10 years if he doesn't change, but that is his life, not yours.
And speaking of your life, yes, you do need to take a cue from him in terms of having some fun. If your life is all work and no play, you are going to eventually burn out. It's important to do the things you really want to do before you have even more grown-up responsibilities. Life is all about balance, so don't neglect the guy inside who wants to have some fun. Every once in a while know it is ok to give yourself a trip to Neverland.
-Christine
Please send me your questions by posting them in the comments section below. You can also email me at christine@huffingtonpost.com
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
28 is not that old to be living the good life as a bachelor. I'd say the guy with the wife and kids is the one to be concerned about. He followed the "status quo" and followed what society told him to do, not what he wanted to do as an individula. Now he's stuck with a whole mountain of responsibilities and he can't go back and do it all over again. His friend on the other hand has the world by the tail....he can still get the girl, the job, the house, the kids and know that he sowed his wild oats and lived life while he was young enough to really embrace it.
HuffPost's Pick
Good article, Christine, and the comments are good, too. I think we all have to decide when to jump on the treadmill. We analyze our job skills, our finances, our passions, our relationships, and our mentors and role models, and try to figure it out.
For myself, I waited until my late 30's before I married and am expecting. It took finding the right woman to tip the scale to say now, I won't feel like I'm doing the family thing alone, or for the sake of just doing it. In the years leading up to this, I moved to a big city, drank alot, spent time meeting new people,. wrote, took pictures, and I kept one foot in a skilled trade, and one foot in the rock music world.
I'm glad I screwed off for as long as I did, because it makes me appreciate what I have now, and the unique challenges that lie ahead. I feel like my father missed his chance to do this, getting married and having three by the time he was in his late 20's. I didn't want that, but I didn't want to be a free-wheeling single forever.
Now, my job pays better, and I'll have to cut down the band gigs, but it's all part of my life journey, and if I can add one thing to this discussion, it's that ultimately, it's really up to each one of us how we do it, because we live with the decision.
On the other hand, you're going to be an old man dad. I always feel kinda bad for the kids with old man dad.
What a terrible thing to say - here's one back at you - I was born to a 17 year old mother and a 19 year old father. I have felt my entire life that I was the one who raised THEM. I had to grow up way too fast because my birth mother was too immature to BE a mother.
I remember my friends in high school that had "old man dad", it was more like financially secure dad, able to relax dad, didn't miss out on having a fun life dad, not getting an ulcer from working 55 hours a week dad, who had time to spend with them on weekends dad...
YIKES! It's like a flashback to the sixties... even the old political and social labels are coming back in style. Like wow man. I only hope that these kids stick to their guns and don't "cop out" and turn into "the man" the way we did. They say hindsight is 20/20. If there's any truth to that, may I say that our way didn't work, not even close. Do better. Please.
This advice sounds like a typical inside-the-box conformist thinker, and far from a professional. Being responsible with money and your resources is always good, but there's absolutely no rule to life that you must settle down by your late twenties. These are false constructs. There's absolutely NO reason for them. A lot of women seem to very narrow-minded about these kinds of expectations though. Being goal-oriented is good, but don't substitute your goals for someone else's.
Yes, racking up CC debit is an issue entirely separate from "growing up." Actually, it's an issue independent of living condition (for the most part). I think that the first thing he needs to do is just get his finances in order and live within his means... that definitely does NOT mean that he should stop having fun or that anyone should. I also am insulted, as a soon-to-be psychologist at the sort of lay-analysis that goes on in these sorts of articles. You've never talked to him, you've certainly never analyzed him, so why are you so quick to decide what his inner life is like? Maybe he likes having fun and that's it? Maybe the notion of "settling down" and following some low-level drive to replicate ones genes just isn't there or isn't something that he lets guide his actions. The important thing is to address the jealousy that the author of the letter acknowledges is there and maybe just help in locating some financial services who can help him budget and get his debt in order. As for the rest, lay off. Let the guy live his life however he sees fit because, as the Brettster noted, the notion of a family and 'settling down' are constructs and in no way make anyone better than anyone else... or worse... it's a choice. There are consequences for choices, but, again, the biggest one here is the financial decision to rack up debt.
Just livin the baby WOOOO!
Hey everyone. I find this article interesting, as it poses 2 separate views of how life should flow - careless (seemingly), unresponsible about money, playing people and getting a lot of sex and booze. The other seemingly is about following someone elses prescriptions about how things should be, respectful, acceptance by society, fitting in, doing what you have to do. etc.
To me, these are both unappealing. Neither hooks me to meaningful conversations or unchartered activities. Both are presented as reactionary to each other.
I spent my 20s in Australia around WWOOFing farms, forest protestors, dance parties in the bush and going to festivals on the Dole. There I learnt about what is really going on with the planet, dissuaded me from becoming materialistic, and high oil prices now have shown me that I need to take up permaculture in the next few months AT LEAST to start moving to a post-Peak Oil world. We would talk about philosophy, sociology, economics. While I helped plant trees, and met really interesting people attempting society-changing stuff. A party for my mind, more than my pants or bank account. And I was lucky to be able to do it all in a social-democratic country that Australia (may still be) is.
Going to Brasil and hanging off women with big breasts who go "woooooo weeeee" and "party!', or people who talk ad nauseum about mortgages . . . are not going to show me a new way of thinking.
George Washington's chair.
About 15 years ago I discovered a letter in the Library of Congress [personal correspondences by the founding fathers] which contained references to native American shaman practices including the consumption of magic mushrooms. Washington and Jefferson were so intrigued by this they not only tried it but went through a ritual with American Indian shamans. Afterward Washington had his famous chair made with the curious design on the back of a rising sun topped with a psilocybin mushroom. Of course these were the days before the ONDCP lies and distortion which have since demonized this practice. The Native Americans still use the mushrooms in their rituals as well as peyote.
Here is Washington's http://www.ushistory.org/more/sun.htmun.htm
Here is some info on the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/org/wiki/Psilocybin_mushrooms
Well it's definitely about envy...but there is nothing appealing about an aging bachelor.
I didn't think one could avoid "growing up"; it just kind of happens doesn't it?
liberals-So full of crap
conservatives-even more full of crap-oh and thanks for the 4 bucks a gallon for gas
put myself through school, studied damn hard (not like alot of girls wrer beating down the door, so not much else to do-but then I wasn't a 5th generation Bushie either-affirmative action for legacy indeed)
not that liberals ever did a damn thing for me: I wake up every day as a person of non-color and hope that my day will be filled with plenty of COLOR, I really don't know what else you want
"liberals-So full of crap
conservatives-even more full of crap-oh and thanks for the 4 bucks a gallon for gas"
I am reminded of that scene from the movie Patton, with George C Scott, when Patton says he won't drink with any Russian son of a bitch and the Russian general says Patton is a son of a bitch too. And, Patton says he'll drink to that.
I'll buy that republicans have messed up alot if democrats also buy into their responsibiity too. We are both, to an extent, sons of bitches.
Liberals didn't do anything for you? Why do you think that there are universities? Why do you think that there are student loans? Because the conservatives are looking to fund things like that?
I was in Macy's a while ago, and got into a long discussion with three twenty-something clerks. It was a slow day.
One of them confessed that they had $70, 000 on a maxed out credit card. He said they just kept letting me charge, and charge, and charge, so I did. He hasn't even started college, this was just for junk, and he admits he's got nothing to show for it............just junk.
It's an epidemic, and it is such a drag. WHEN IT ALL COMES DOWN, BETTER HOPE IT DOESN'T LAND ON YOU.
Head for the woods, the lake, the mountains this summer instead of the PLASTIC, COOKIE CUTTER MALLS..............BUYING OVERPRICED JUNK AND PLASTIC CRAP IS TOTALLY UNCOOL.
Oh, and you can't just go all bankrupt anymore. Your parents, who raised you to be greedy, shallow consumers voted for boosh. He gave all the breaks to corporations and said all the stupid consumers who charged themselves into oblivion, can go CHANEY THEMSELVES.
How's that working out so far? America has been hijacked by a fake cowboy..........giddy up. Now, excuse me while I go throw up, again.
Hi Brokenarrow,
You know how people write, LOL, as in "laughing out loud"? Well, after reading your post I actually did, and it felt really good.
Thanks, I needed that.
Are you done throwing up?
i think several people here "hit the nail on the head"
Its all about balance. what is the credit card debt? $2000-20,000?
The peter pan in question has a degree. Check! Doesnt seem to be tied down to a wife nor children. Check! So really this article is about envy.
As i stated, i agree with several guys... make your fun make money for you.
I sell vintage clothes at a small shop i own. I travel when I want. Its a write off..well as long as i buy or sell something. That could be Guatemala,London or India.
Other than a mortgage,I have ZERO debt.
I have already married the MUST have a title in life woman. She left because I didnt make enough money. Which was more than she made. HA! The .."when are you going to grow up" question is from WOMEN or jealous people.
I say live with granny,travel...live in a van down by the river? DO WHAT YOU WANT TO. life is short.
and at forty I am doing just that.
Seems to me Christine has a very narrow window for what she considers "success". Not everyone aspires to a cookie cutter McMansion in a white picket gated community. I would think an open mind would be a requirement for someone dishing out advice professionally.
You sound like one of those commie librul terrists I ben hearin bout on the TV. People who dont aspire to McMansions are obviously traitors!!! heh, j/k
Yeah, so I'm totally one of those Adultolescents, its a response to the rampant greed and hypocritical mindset of our society. What the hell do I need a mansion for? What the hell do I need to "grow up" for? The grownups we put in charge are all adolescent fuck ups, but they mask it better and we love them for it. You tell me GW isnt the most adolescent person we've had as president.
Maybe I'll find a "good woman" to change my life or something, but I'm not into greedy alcoholics and thats the women I see around me. Until then, I live my life for me and not society's conceptions.
Funny. She could have been talking about the transition from being a liberal (with all the "feel-good" emotion-based reasoning) to growing up and becoming a conservative (with pragmatic, results-oriented thinking). Great article.
I guess you mean by becoming conservative: resistant to change, stagnant, self-centered, etc. Just what I want to be. Good thing Intel/AMD have never treated the cpu market conservatively...
"results oriented thinking?" You know there are results and then there are results. Having a plan and following thru doesn't mean squat if your plan is based on stupidity or greed. Just ask GWB. And it wouldn't hurt the conservatives to try "feeling good" honestly for a change. It might limit the time they spend in public bathrooms. Amazing how the very people who have screwed up this country the most are the ones still telling us they have all the answers.
Funny. Sounds like moving from living the life "conservative society" says you should live (Which only perpetuates "conservative society".), to living the life that YOU want to live.
A lot of conservatism is emotion-based living, too: fear of disapproval, fear of the unfamiliar, fear of not having the most money, fear of not being top dog and the biggest bully, etc.
If you are Gene Simmons you can "rock & roll all day, and party every night". But if you end up living with your elderly mother you become a sissy (unless you are taking care of her).
At least a free wheeler should cut their credit cards in half and live within their means.
I think that Gene Simmons has done very well for himself, and at the same time is obviously passionate about what he does, which is to help people with weight problems. But he did make money, therefore, he's an obvious corporate criminal who commits crimes against humanity.
Now that's funny!
I'm confused, Gene Simmons cares about peoples weight problems? That seems out of character...
And don't lend him any money if he's a little short and needs to get by.
That needs to be in big huge letters. That's how these leeches get by, although usually the funds come from their mommies and daddies. I cut my 26-year-old partygirl daughter two years ago. She works three days a week at an Outback. Her BF can't drive due to multiple dui's. Her perfect match BF and she moved in with his parents a year ago. The old man seems to always be lurking around her -- uh-huh. But she did lament recently that the BF's parents make them do chores, cook some of the meals and imposed a 10:00pm curfew. Oooohhhhh, poor baby. I used to work with women like her. It's cute at 20, wild at 30, annoying at 40 and pathetic a 50.
My advice to all single men who want to stay in Adultolecence...
1-Find a job you are passionate about, no matter the pay, then work becomes fun and interesting. When work is fun then you are ahead of 95% of the population, and soon enough you will make money because your passion and energy will stand out.
2- Do not get married. The responsibility of a wife and kids overrides everything. You will have very little time to pursue any interests that you may have. To raise a well rounded child you must devot a great deal of time to their schooling and outside interests. These things not only take time they take a lot of money. Suddenly money becomes the key issue in your life. Supporting a family is very expensive. With all the added responsibility stress levels rise, and suddenly the marriage is not what you thought it would be.
3- Live within your means. If you stay single it should not be difficult to live cheap if money gets tight. Its just stupid to run up your credit cards. You can still have a lot of fun with very little money. Use the internet to meet people and have fun. LIFE IS TOO SHORT...
This is great advice for sinlge women too....not only do they get saddled with kids and most of the work they may get saddled with an adult child.
What if you just want to raise a screw up alcoholic who will then grow up to be president? How much time does a parent need to put in for that one?
Get rich at 25 (or have a rich family) and have nannies raise your kids, its the capitalist way!
I have to wonder if this article were written about women would it get labeled "sexist?" I guess I understand that the piece is a response to a letter written by a woman describing her male partner, but it does bring up a question of gender stereotyping.
Why are there two men on the "tease" picture on the front page of HuffPo and why is this piece written exclusively about males? What makes that OK? I would say it's because our society tends to associate not wanting to grow up as a male trait, and I would argue that perpetuates the behavior.
Painting with broad strokes is always dangerous.
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
