Alone Under the Mistletoe

Dear Christine,
I love Christmas, but I hate being single at Christmas. This is such a romantic time of year -- every time I turn on the TV I see a couple snuggled up in front of the fire exchanging gifts. I have no one to cuddle with other than my cat and it's depressing. Plus when I go home, my entire family incessantly asks me about my dating life and reminds me that I am not getting any younger and I am in the only one in the family not coupled up except for my nieces and nephews (whose average age is about eight). How do I get through another holiday as a single person when the only thing on my Christmas list is a boyfriend?
- Alone under the Mistletoe, 28, Tampa

Dear Alone under the Mistletoe,

This time of year can be torture for single folk who want to have someone to curl up to next to by the fire. But here is the thing: you have the REST of your life to be coupled up and share the holidays with someone. Enjoy the people (and your cat) that you do have in your life right now and make plans too see them more often. Creating a story in your head that something is wrong or lonely about being single is just a story. It's time to write a new script.

Instead of focusing on what you don't have -- bring your awareness to what you do have. Friends, family, a job, your health, the freedom to see whomever and do whatever you please, the ability to be of service and so on. According to the law of attraction, if you keep focusing on what you lack, guess what? You get more lack! And if you focus on how much you want or desire a boyfriend, guess what? You convey an air of desperation because you aren't happy with what you do have.

And the fact that your family keeps asking you about your love life is partially because they are picking up on your vibe of wanting to check out of singlehood. Imagine if you showed up this Christmas completely happy, content, and confident in your life as a single, independent woman! When they ask you about your love life, simply share that you are indeed in love -- with the way your life is now. That may silence the interrogation for a while. You can also respectfully (and without sounding defensive or cranky) say that you are quite content being single and you'll be sure to let them know when there is a change of status in your love life. Most of all, I encourage you to let their questioning roll off your back -- what's the point of letting it bother you so much? Plus, families are great for asking questions that push our buttons; however, what is usually underneath what seems like triggering interrogation is simply love and concern. Try to see past the annoyance.

And this holiday season, give yourself the gift of acceptance. Accepting who you are and where you are in your journey through life. Focus on everything and everyone in your life that you do love. You are more likely to get what's on your Christmas list if you can truly be loving to yourself - regardless of whether you are in love with someone else. I'm sure you've heard from countless people that they meet their "soul-mate" when they weren't even looking. So stop searching and longing so much and who knows. . .you may meet someone under the mistletoe when you least expect it.

-Christine

Please send me your questions by emailing christineAThuffingtonpost.com

Comments

[111]

Dear Alone Under the Mistletoe,

It's not just you telling a story about yourself - it's a story you've been told repeatedly throughout your life. Our family and friends, while well intentioned, are often reacting to their own feelings of discomfort with the idea of being single and not the actual reality of the situation. BTW - It is natural to feel lonely in the presence of others who are coupled.

We aren't taught that we may never marry. We aren't taught that we may never have children. We are never prepared for the possibility of life alone - we are made to fear it.

Sometimes the way out of this type of darkness is to honor it and accept the invitation to explore this side of ourselves. I suggest you embrace the sadness you feel. Get a dark blanket, a box of tissues, sad movies and cry. It's okay, promise. You aren't changing it but you can sit with yourself and acknowledge how painful this all is and how terrifying and how difficult. Get something to write into and write about this and what it feels like.

Then go to the library and find books about single women who have led meaningful lives. Two books that might help also are, "Care of the Soul" by Thomas Moore and "Women Who Run With the Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. These are about allowing all of the seasons of our souls to happen and may help you.

Good luck with the

[colleenperry]

Very good advice to a very common problem. I just need to add that the law of attraction states that OPPOSITES attract. It's a mistaken belief perpetuated by the film and book The Secret, that simply by focusing our energy on something that we manifest it. Frankly, if this worked, I'd be a multi-millionaire by now!

[gymbunnybee]

Re-affirmations that you are not yet a multi-millionaire (whether expressed or not) is exactly the reason you are not. Focusing on lack will not manifest in plenty. Sorry.

[WilliamProc]

Thanks for speaking the truth.

[Badbone]

That must be why I'm not a 12 foot tall Martian. Because I keep telling myself I'm not one.

[mandycat]

Someone once said marriage is like a besieged castle. Everyone on the outside wants in and everyone on the inside wants out.

[AtomiClash]

HAHAHA! that's brilliant.

[gymbunnybee]

Christine, if you haven't taken inspiration from my own post to a similar question a few weeks ago (alone on Thanksgiving) in which I talked about appreciated, acceptance and the law of attraction, then well done. You've hit it on the head!

[DennyCrane]

It's funny how both sides envy one another. Single people often lament about not having someone in their lives and married people sometimes think their lives would be better if they were single.

[larmarch5]

I've been single and I've been married. Single is better. Just because you have a spouse doesn't mean you'll have someone to snuggle or cuddle with. I'm single now, but travel and go out with my friends because my husband won't go anywhere. And I got way more physical closeness from boyfriends (including husband before getting married).

[Over40]

Exactly. As a life-long single woman, I have often felt envied (and resented!) by my
married woman friends - which tells me it's not all its cracked up to be!

[TexasDem0]

Alone under the Mistletoe, get another opinion.

[magen]

There' waaaaaaaaayyyyy more problems and headaches in the married life than the single life.

When they start with their stupid annoying judgmental questions, fire back with a list of some of the problems of married life, then ask-why would I want that?

I've found that it shuts them up every time, and makes them jealous of you.

[commonsenselives]

I've been using that one for a while now and they're starting up again. Any other tips? :)

[jaielaw]

I suggest taking a trip during the holidays instead of doing the family thing. That solves a multitude of issues: (i) not having to watch others put on a show of happiness, (ii) not having to justify your status, (iii) not having to get gifts for every interloper passing through your family's household; (iv) having the time of your life; (v) making everyone else jealous, (vi) taking your mind off your status, thereby making yourself more interesting to eligible mates . . . I could go on, but you get the idea.

If you can't afford to take a trip, maybe do some volunteering instead. That adds the additional element of looking superior to everyone else. : )