Breaking Up At Work

Two months ago, my girlfriend and I broke up. We love each other, but I'm clear we just don't want the same things right now. Although it ended fairly amicably, she would have stuck it out longer. The problem now is that we work together - in different departments, but at the same company. It's super awkward and has been since we broke up. Plus, most people in the company knew of our relationship so that just adds to the awkwardness because people don't know how to act around the two of us. I really like my job and know she does too, so I don't want either of us to have to leave. How can we be un-awkward exes at work? * Awkward and Confused, 28, Denver

Dear Awkward and Confused,

Yup. You're in an awkward and confusing position that is a natural part of switching relationship gears - but I bet it's even worse for her. Two months isn't a lot of time to adjust the emotions of loving someone. Being the one who was more okay with the break-up, you probably aren't dealing with as much of the emotional residue she feels every time she sees you. I advise people to have no contact after a break-up for at least six months so the two people can actually get over each other. Obviously, this isn't possible in your situation so the unresolved feelings that are part of any break-up are likely to linger for a longer period of time. I also don't suggest dating in the workplace because it is important to have a work life that is separate from your personal life. Office romances happen often, and they usually end with strained work relationships and a fair amount of collateral damage. You are already experiencing the negative side effects of work place romance, so I'll spare you the extensive lecture.

Having break-up leftovers everyday at work is unsatisfying for both of you, so I would first suggest that you evaluate if you, in action or words, perpetuate the awkwardness. Do you bump into her in the break room, say a quick hello, and slide into strained silence? Or do you avoid eye contact all together? Are people actually awkward around you two, or are you projecting your own feelings of unease? Or maybe even fueling any mixed emotions by acting uneasy yourself? What are your hang ups? One of the unfortunate things in life is that we can only control our actions and reactions, not alter the emotions of others so you have to start with you. Then, if you are eventually more relaxed, then she may pick up on that energy as well.

If adjusting your own behavior does not alleviate any of the awkwardness, I suggest that you have a conversation with your ex and bring the fact that things are still weird to the table. Even though the romantic relationship is over, you two have to acknowledge the 800 pound gorilla in the room so that this imbalance does not affect either of your work performance. Start by letting her share about how life at work post break-up has been for her. Women need to be heard and even though she isn't your girlfriend anymore, I'm assuming you care about her enough to really listen to how it's been for her.

After you've heard her out, the two of you need to maturely discuss ways to combat the awkwardness - both for your own mental sanity and for your professional reputation. If there really is water cooler talk about your love life, it's time to put it to rest. The only way to do that is to clear the air of anything lingering, make work a neutral territory, and move forward. This is a lot easier to do if the two of you really do engage in mature conversation about work-place behaviors and attitudes. I recommend to many couples who break up to have a "closure" type conversation with a counselor - this may be something to consider doing with your ex in order to lay down some guidelines and get all the issues out in the open. Most often, awkwardness is present when the truth isn't being discussed.

If that is not an option, I still encourage you to have a conversation with your ex. Go through your current relationship patterns and your interactions with each other that feel or appear awkward and/or confusing. Stress the importance of keeping both of your commitments to your careers and image at work in focus, rather than digging up old issues in your romantic relationship. Once people see things are copacetic between the two of you, you'll become far less interesting as a gossip topic. There is no way around the fact that you two are in a transition, but don't let what could be a phase alter either of your chances of career success. And next time, date someone who you won't see at the company holiday party. - Christine

Comments

[Oread]

Or you can just expect it's gonna be awkward and ride it right out...forc­ing anything isn't going to help, dude. It'll just make you look like a dick. Things will fade out in the end, after some new office scandalousness emerges. Just keep trying to be nice.

WOW! I did that in a few sentences what it took the blogger to do in five long-winded paragraphs! No offense. But seriously, it ain't that complicated. You just can't control how other people feel or react to you, as you're just NOT RESPONSIBLE for them feeling anything - awkward, shy, confused, etc. Get a grip.

[MikeDu]

"I advise people to have no contact after a break-up for at least six months so the two people can actually get over each other."

Agh, another 'scorched earth' dating policy. Do you realise how unnatural and artificial this policy makes relationships? All-or-nothing. Men are a disposable as Kleenex and of less utility. Why don't you simply suggest women bite our heads after mating and devour us like a preying mantis would?