Digital Dating: Desperation or Necessity?

"I always thought dating online was for desperate, older people, but now that I'm finding I can't meet anybody, I'm actually considering it myself! Am I crazy or pathetic for considering it? And I'm afraid to tell my friends. Should I keep it a secret to hide my shame? I just think I'm going to feel like a loser if I tell people that I met someone online."

~Online Dating-Phobic, 26, Atlanta

Dear Online Dating-Phobic,

It's a bit scary, but true: human connections are either replaced or initiated by internet connections. We now live in a different age of emails instead of letters, text messages instead of phonecalls, and Facebook "friending" and "poking" are seen as a real relationship bond. Everything we do from finding a job to finding a friend seems to have an online component, so no need to be ashamed for wanting to broaden your circle, for friendship or dating, by taking advantage of the myriad of possibilities brought to you by the world wide web - just don't rely on it completely.

The stigma against online dating, particularly for twenty-somethings, is really intriguing, especially because you are the generation that founded socially networking sites like Facebook and Myspace. You are looking for a person to date, someone to be in your life and no one else's, so who cares what your friends think? And they are probably doing it too!

Think about it this way: what do you gain by trying online dating, and what do you lose by not trying it? By not attempting it, you get to remain safe behind your concept of regular dating, which by your own admission has become undesirable. Or you can try online dating and open yourself up to the possibilities. Just be cautious. Be smart and careful about what information you post, who you give your personal contact information to, and where and when you meet someone for the first time (I recommend afternoon coffee in a very public place).

Also, online dating isn't only for pathetic or older people, so you can let that go. Here's some insight from Adam Sachs, co-founder of the group dating site ignighter.com: "I can see how young people would look at the conventional online dating sites and think that going on one of those dates would make them feel like a loser or desperate. I was once like that too! There's nothing organic about creating your own blind date. And there's nothing fun about either. What's natural and fun is meeting new people in the company of your social circle. That's why we created Ignighter.com. It's a group-to-group dating site, a way for you and your friends to meet another group of friends in an environment that is safer, less awkward, and more fun."

Another upside to online dating is often you get to know a person better than when meeting them face-to-face when judgments about superficial things may get in the way. I'm not saying to give up meeting friends of friends, or talking to a person who catches your eye; use online dating as just another tool rather than an end-of-the-line solution. You never know where or when sparks will fly with someone, so if meeting Mr. or Ms. Right is a priority, start researching dating sites. But please, no embellishing profiles or glamour shot photos. If you want to attract your "soul-match," be who you are on and off line.

-Christine
Send your questions to christineAThuffingtonpost.com

Comments

[loki]

Well it hasnt been much different online or in person. Most Ive found are gold diggers, Luckily, I did finally find someone who was more interested in me than my bank account, and more interested in being a family than what I would buy for her. Had to go half way across the world to find someone like that, but its worked out great so far and we are both happy together here. She is smart, independent, beautiful and a caring sharing loving person who likes being treated as an equal, and doesnt demand to be treated as my superior or a queen. I have only see a few American woman who are like that. I know they are out there, just getting harder to find these days as Greed and Selfishness is in the USA.

[rjmiller]

Online dating is possibly more depressing than regular dating, just because of what it reveals about our culture. Every ad I read has the same list of qualifications you must meet in order to even reply, that I will list in order of occurance (anecdotal based on craigslist personals that don't seem obviously fake):

1: Height. Apparently women hate short guys, short being defined as shorter than them in 5" heels.
2: Money. Young women's ads say "career ambitions," older women's say "financially secure."
3: "Athletic." This is the PC way to say "no fatties."
4: Attractive. Yes, after demanding you're over 6' and have big pecs, you must also look like Brad Pitt.
5: Humor.

It's pretty sad that the first aspect having to do with personality is that low on the list. Also, the financial aspect is just disturbing. Why is it expected of men to support their women? It'd be a sweet bonus if I was dating a rich woman, but its far something I even consider.

Also, if I read "I enjoy having a good time" or "I love to laugh" one more time...

[NWBrunette]

Oh my! Stop the presses. Where oh where can I get that cute, adorable, pink heart-shaped mouse?

[zakstar]

why not try google -- I did and found a bunch.

[forpeace]

*

Nowadays everything is Digital!

*

[MissElaineous]

I've pretty much given up on online dating. I'm over 50, which means, to many men reading the ads, I am well past my "sell by" date. Those guys advertise for significantly younger women. (That's borne out through one of the comments above.) Real life is only scarcely better, but at least I know they are taller than me and actually have an interest in common.

Regardless of how you date, the most important thing is to work on your relationship skills. You only need to find one person, but you need to know how to encourage that person to stick around.

Helpful tips? If you are a man, stop being such a workaholic. If you are a woman, don't pick out the china on the third date. To everyone? Don't get monogamous too soon.

[NWBrunette]

You moan about being past your "sell by" date and then require that all the men you date be taller than you. Maybe people will start to enjoy you more when you start enjoying them more, rather than focusing on preconceived notions of height or age.

[GemNY]

I've known people who lie in person, delude themselves in person, pick complete idiots in person. I know people who do that on line.

The issue is "how real" do you intend to be. Are you there to relate or are you looking for someone to fill the void?

I've met people in person and liked them, detested them and ran away like mad. I met people on line that I felt the same way about.

And then... I met my husband through a matching site.

It isn't about how. It is about WHY!

[ailbhe]

I think people should be very careful. If you meet someone that you know of through friends or friends of friends, you will know if they have tendencies towards violence or fraud because people gossip. Community is a protection because it allows you prior warning of potential danger.

Meeting strangers face to face in social situations is good so long as you size them up, look at their body language and how they interact with others. See their friends as this will tell you a lot about them. Before considering them a romantic possibility it is better to get to know them first as friends and find out what they are really like.

Online dating can be risky, if only in the sense that the six foot, green eyed, athletic, professional Adonis you are promised turns out to be a balding, short, fat, unemployed, sad person old enough to be your father!
People can become anything they want online and dating sites appeal to people who can't get anybody in the real world for a reason.

Myspace, facebook and bebo are good places to meet strangers in your own area who have similiar interests. Beware of advertising yourself as looking for a relationship, it will repel genuine men as desperation and perceived easiness are very unattractive. It will attract predators looking for a victim to exploit.

[PalestraNet]

Scenario 1: Girl (who may or may not be me) walks up the stairs and over to the bar. Girl keeps eyes diverted and pushes through crowd, successfully reaching the bar. Girl interacts with zero strangers.

Scenario 2: Girl walks up the stairs and over to the bar. Girl looks directly at a guy, holds eye contact for two seconds. Guy says, "I think I know you, you went to U of R, right?" Girl says no and looks at another guy closer to the bar. Guy says, "Oh hey, are you trying to get closer? I"ll move over. What are you drinking?"

When it comes to meeting people, eye contact is critical. The girl was wearing the same clothes, same hair, walking through the same crowded bar. The only difference was in the eyes.

To make it work you must connect longer than the accidental second of a typical crowd scan. Otherwise it comes across as, "Whoops, I didn"t mean to see you," and negates the entire effort. By holding eye contact, you send the signal that you meant to see them and would be interested in saying hello.

In the end, it all comes back to my dad"s baseball coaching advice " keep your eyes on the prize. If you want to meet someone, just open your eyes and don"t look away.

[AZAcct]

Scenario 2 only works if the girl is:

1. straight
2. single
3. looking to date
4. Into guys buying her a drink

and if the guy is:

1. not a creeper
2. hasn't been using that line on any girl that comes to the bar
3. doesn't expect anything from buying a girl a drink.

BTW--buying drinks for a girl is someone old fashioned...when my female friends and go out we are not looking to meet a guy (think Dane Cook's "I just wanna dance") and buying a drink is a turn off because then we feel as if we have to linger...and also...we can buy our own drinks and the act of buying a girl a drink is sort of an old fashioned gesture...kinda like opening up our car door? Maybe some girls are into that still?

That's why online dating is good...everyone on there is looking to date (unlike everyone who is going out).

[srdon]

I like Pink's attitude - "Don't buy me a drink, just give me the money." and then get the hell outa my sight.

[ArthurTwoShedsJackson]

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/online_dating_helping_pathetic

[AZAcct]

I'm 25 and everyone I know (who has a good relationship) has found their sig-o through an online site. I met my boyfriend and future husband on yahoo. We are both successful young (good looking) professionals who aren't desperate at all...I only add the good looking part because i've had some older people tell me "but you're so beautiful--why would you need to find a man online?" so I figure that looks have something to do with the stigma as well?

Finding people in bars and the grocery store etc is not possible at this point in my mind...also, you can screen people w/o hurting feelings and wasting time. Take this: I am NOT into camping and the great outdoors...I also love sushi and trying new foods. However, you usually find out if the guy you're dating is an outdoorsy guy (who thinks camping is a great date/vacation) and how his palate is after what the 3rd date? At that point, he might like you and you kinda like him and then it's weird--because you know that it won't work out...you could have skipped all of this by using online dating. Most people put their interests and you can ask these questions via email before meeting...w/o hurting feelings.

I'm a huge advocate of online dating...just be safe and have fun :)