How To Cope With Massive Anxiety

Dear Christine,

"I can't seem to concentrate at work. I'm going through a break-up, fighting with my roommate, and I found out my grandmother is going in for surgery. Meanwhile, my mother is breathing down my neck about my future when I am struggling to get through today. I feel totally overwhelmed, like one of those cartoon characters when steam starts coming out of its ears. I need some space, some time, but what about work? Can I take a personal day or should I just suck it up and go on? I don't want to be seen as a slacker, especially since it seems everyone at my company pushes the fifty hour work week barrier. I can't seem to keep thoughts and concerns about my personal life out of my head at work - how do I stay professionally focused and still juggle everything I'm going through?!" -Sinking Fast, 24, San Francisco

Dear Sinking Fast,

Life can definitely be overwhelming, and the struggle for work-life balance has been getting more attention over the past few years as fifty and sixty hour work weeks become the norm. You have a lot of emotions and stress to deal with right now, from your relationship to family and work. You are experiencing what many people can relate to: work-life balance feeling more like a balancing act than a sustainable possibility.

The more you push yourself at work to avoid dealing with your feelings and/or to keep up with the office status quo, the faster your overall well-being starts to drain away. At the same time, maintaining your professionalism at work and performing well is critical to your career success. You can't afford to spend another day distracted and emotionally over-burdened at work.

So what do you do? Sucking it up isn't the way to go as things will just continue to suck at home and at work. Right now seems like a good time for you to put yourself first and take a day off. You are going to be far more valuable to your company if you take a day to refuel rather than going in completely distracted. Smart companies recognize the value in giving employees time to attend to personal matters. In fact, a company in Japan just announced they will be giving employees "heartache" leave when going through a break-up or divorce. The older you are the more days you get off as they figure it takes longer to recover from heartbreak when you're older. Will American companies catch on to this idea? It certainly may curtail bringing personal drama into the office; however, will it inspire more calling into the boss with "I got dumped" excuses? But I digress, back to you...

Discuss taking a personal day with your boss. You do not have to give specifics for why other than, "I have some personal things to attend to that require me taking a day off." Many employees, women in particular, tend to compulsively apologize and explain. Going into the dramatics of your personal life is inappropriate to do with your boss - especially if you are on the verge of tears. Assure him/her that you will attend to anything that is urgent, and if appropriate, see if someone can cover your workload for the day. Then set your "I will be out of office today and returning emails tomorrow" email response, and for at least one whole day totally check out from work.

It's important that you don't slack off on your personal day! Use it to attend to your personal issues, not just as a day to catch up on errands and watch Oprah. Make an appointment with your counselor if you have one, a friend, or mentor and do things that support you in dealing with your emotions so you can be more focused at work. This is also a perfect day to have a heart-to-heart with your mother, and ask for space and understanding. Perhaps put a boundary on her calling you at work. Make it day one of closure with your ex. If you still are in communication, it's time to cut it off - completely. It's harder to heal and move on from a break-up if you are still in a relationship, and any kind of communication means you are still relating!

Going forward, schedule some "me time" into your days to help you feel more balanced. Maybe it's journaling in the morning or going to a Yoga class three times a week. Build in structured time in your schedule to deal with the things in your life that you can't (and really shouldn't be) dealing with at work.

If a personal day and some new coping skills do not alleviate any of the smoke coming out of your ears, is the amount of focus your job requires reasonable? Take into consideration some information and advice from Sylvia Hewlett, economist and the founding president of the Center for Work-Life Policy and author of Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women on the Road to Success: "Our Extreme Jobs research showed that never ending treadmill of constantly working is not sustainable. People's personal lives suffer tremendously under the pressure to be constantly working. We found that 65% of women and 61% of men said that their extreme job interfered with their having a strong relationship with friends and 46% of both men and women reported that their job interfered with their having a strong relationship with a spouse or partner. Taking time to deal with what is happening at home is key to keeping everything in check. Look into you company's flexible work options or try to talk to your boss about taking more time to sort things out. If the argument is positioned as a way to make you more productive, thereby benefiting the company, it will be hard to argue against it."

You have to define what work-life balance means for you and then create it. It's important for all of us not to lose ourselves and jeopardize our personal lives for work. But it is also our responsibility to attend to our personal matters outside of the office so that when we are on the clock, we can be focused and productive. - Christine

Please send me your questions by posting them in the comments section below. You can also email me at [e-mail].

Comments

[SomaMinneapolis]

I went and am going through similar problems

1. Schedule an appointment with your GP. The long kind not the fifteen minute kind. Explain that you are becoming physically ill from not be able address personal problems.

2. Your doctor will write you a note when you need one.

3. Use this time to get it together and find the help you need to keep it together.

4. For goodness sake you are 24?!?!? Find a different job, take a trip, go crash with friends, try to discover what you really live for and get on track with it.

Staying youthful, healthy and happy is much easier when you start in your 20s and is kind of the point anyway. 50 and 60 hour weeks to get sick?

Ed V.

[BeeeVeee]

We are under so much stress that it's a miracle that our society still functions. There are many cracks showing already. The solution is only when people are treated like HUMANS and start getting the basics of human needs met. That means (for me, but probably everyone can relate to something here):

1. Living without fear of my own government branding me a "traitor" for a dissenting view.

2. Living without fear of being bankrupt by a possible major healthcare issue in my life

3. Living without fear of ending up in a skanky state-run nursing home while the state takes all of my and my family's money to keep me there when I get old.

4. Living without fear of my son being drafted to support corporate-fascist wars.

5. Living without fear of being downsized, outsourced, and otherwise fucked by the corporation which I dedicate the majority of my time to.

6. Living without fear of religious bigots and zealots wanting to inforce their mythical godmen on me via governmental interference.

7. Living without the fear of my savings or 401K being eventually watered down or worthless by the time I actually NEED it.

8. Living without fear of not having any of the social "security" money I have been forced to invest in my entire life, because our government cannot manage that money and says it will run out before I ever see a dime.

NONE of these things are things that I have much, if any, control over. I am beyond pissed off. I am overstressed, depressed, and have a seething rage over what is going on in our world. Every politician for the past 30+ years has promised to do something about the above issues, yet NOT ONE has been adequately addressed. NOT ONE!!!!!

The only thing that WILL make me feel better is becoming independently wealthy so that I don't have to rely on some corporate policy for my living, or some government agency to help me through my "golden" years when they arrive.

[bluegrasstafarian]

This was well compiled...i totally agree. Hey, I'm ready for society to evolve with the rest of us.

[schatsie]

Well I want to pitch in...Look at your job like a charity, they are getting a good deal from you!

Get a book called Know Your Strengths and find out what you are good at and what you like, because that way you reward yourself!!!

[sheila]

i would say take a friday or monday so you have 3 days to settle in and really focus on self.

go for at least one long hike in nature and write in your journal several times each day, using only the "I" position (not analyzing others, their expectations, their feelings, etc., just discussing your own feelings, needs, etc.), then soak in the tub and meditate, trying to tap into your intuition for it's messages, which are probably stuffed deep under your intellect and your emotions, both of which are ill-equipped to deal with this kind of circumstance.

Reading "Developing Intuition" by Shakti Gawain (or listening to the audiobook) is a wonderful way for overly-cerebral people to tap into their intuition. not fruity, nutty, complicated or religious, just practical and kind...

Taking time to eat healthy, get enough sleep, exercise, bond with others, and get in touch with your intuition so you can make good decisions will make a world of difference.

[hollyo]

better yet, go home sick with food poisoning after lunch on Thursday and stay out Friday too. Some progressive companies have this 'mental health' days.

[EdwardEdwards]

There's been a bill of goods shoved down America's throat for sometime... that working hard and long is working well for America.

And yet our economy tanks, prices rise, our dollar is wortheless, our jobs are in Europe on holiday, and China owns us.

Know WHY you're working longer hours for less benefit? Republican/Fascist/Corporate rule. They think China is really cool, how people are enslaved to corporations, and want us this way next. They're already well on their way.

You're being suckered, my friend. Don't feel bad. We all have been sold this fascist bill of goods, since most of the media is owned by corporations that can be counted on one hand.

Also, the shit we feed ourselves ALONE can and will cause MASSIVE anxiety. Take caffeine and booze out of your life for a month. Do what the other poster recommends, which is spend less time working, and a little more time working out. You'll find your heart and soul, and remember what it means to be free.

Best of luck.

[johnmorgan]

Take a day off? That's the solution to her many problems? I don't see that as a useful at all.

She probably needs a new job, or a long vacation, or time off to deal with her various problems... A day off is nothing.

[ImagesAndAdjectives]

This is wonderful and thorough advice, Christine. It's so easy to get caught up in the emotions and pressures of anxiety-causing situations and not be able to see how you can dig yourself out.

Taking the first 30 minutes of your day to do something that feeds your soul"whether it's yoga, journaling, talking to your child before they head off to school, talking to you spouse"is important in establishing a good tone for the day. It allows you to put yourself first, so that you can give back to others during the work day.

Another idea is to take your lunch hour and spend it walking outside if possible. Get away from work issues and DON'T eat at your desk, writing personal emails or surfing the internet. If you take a mental as well as a physical break during the day, you will be amazed at how much better you can cope with things that come at you.

Women have trouble saying NO - and that is also a huge part of the stress.

Margaret E.

[kpod]

"It's important that you don't slack off on your personal day!"

I am disgusted with this attitude. The point of a personal day is to do what you want to do - it's PERSONAL. No need to act like you are at work, you won't end up more relaxed.

I am more than fed up with our GOGOGOGOGOGOGO culture where if you are not frantically busy you are a loser. There is NOTHING WRONG with spending a day on the sofa with a good book, or a trashy romance novel, or a remote control, or even just asleep. We should not be made to feel guilty when we want to do NOTHING. Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing. Our brains can process and our bodies can take a breather.

[Cathexis]

Sing it, kpod!

I agree. I am sick and tired of hearinghow to cope with dysfunctional situations and how WE need to change to better adapt to increasingly intrusive and consuming demands from our work.

Corporations WILL keep squeezing, while there is any juice left. And all we do is keep looking for ways to come up with a few more drops of juice.

[realitycheck7]

The advice that I would give this person would be to go to the gym regularly.

Find the time. Do cardio and weight training, it makes a world of difference.

It's amazing how many people still do not understand the power that physical fitness has over your mental well-being