Dear Christine,
"My core group of friends from college all moved out to cities on the East Coast to start our careers. Now three of my friends have started making gobs more many than I do and it's made things a little awkward. They want to do things that I can't always afford. I am happy for my friends, but I have to admit I am a little jealous and competitive too. It's making me want to spend less time with them because when I am with them, I overspend just to keep up. What do I do?" - Financially frazzled friend, 27, Boston
Dear Financially Frazzled Friend,
Adjusting to friends with money is a tough transition as most of us were financial equals in college who split tabs and cut coupons for pizza deliveries. Differing levels of income between friends can crate differences that weren't there before. I understand that it's discouraging to feel like you are the one at the table who reads the menu from right to left while your friends enjoy reading it from left to right; ordering what is appealing as opposed to what is the least expensive.
But take comfort in the fact that you aren't alone in your uncomfortable feelings. According to Tamara Draut, author of Strapped: Why America's 20- and 30-Somethings Can't Get Ahead, "Envy and the pressure to keep up is much more common today among friends. Why? Because inequality is much greater now than it was a generation ago, even among workers with similar levels of education. So even though a group of friends may all have a college degree, some professions are fantastically more lucrative than they used to be. For example, a generation ago, a typical lawyer's salary and a typical teacher's salary weren't that far apart--today their in completely different orbits."
But how do you make peace inside with income inequality? First, consider the question, if your friends were not making more money than you, would you be content with where you are? If the answer is no, this issue is not really about money - it may boil down to the fact that you don't like what you are doing and it's time to re-navigate your career path. If the answer is yes, then you are playing a comparison game you will never win. Comparing yourself to them is not only toxic to your friendship; it's dangerous to your own mental well-being. There is always going to be someone richer, smarter, and better looking than any of us. The more you can focus on your own gifts and gratitude for the things you have in your life, the more successful you will be in living a life you love - and isn't that more important than being the wealthiest person at a table?
Keep in mind that you never really know if money is truly making anyone happy. Perhaps your friends have to work longer hours or tolerate more stress than you. They may even be racking up more debt whereas you are budgeting and watching your spending. It's a well known fact that the more you make, the more you spend so the real "winner" at any table is the person who is the happiest with their lives and you have 100% control over that.
If you still feel green with envy, Sally Horchow (co-author of The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections) advises, "The most important thing is to have thorough soul-search about where those feelings are coming from. It's likely that your feelings are self-generated (i.e. not motivated by your friend intentionally trying to make you feel "less than") and the quicker you realize that, the easier it will be to bypass any icky, misguided resentment toward your friend and use your jealousy to effect change in your own life, work toward making more money yourself, and so on."
Money will only affect your friendship if you aren't honest about what you can afford and your friends are insensitive to your boundaries. If they are always making pricey plans, say something like, "Hey that sounds like a ton of fun but I am watching my spending, how about xyz instead." Suggest an alternative or be the one that makes the plans in the first place. Horchow also advises, "When talk to your friends about money, make sure to keep blame out of the conversation. Your friend's new income has nothing to do with you, and express your happiness for his/her success. Simply acknowledge the change in your lives, and talk about the necessity for both of you to be sensitive to it."
Also, if these are your FRIENDS, they are there to support you and encourage you, right? So talk to them about money and your financial plans and goals. If your perception is that they are "richer," ask them how they handle the green stuff - they may have some insight into investing, budgeting, or retirement plans.
The point is that it's the friendship that matters, not the number of zeros in your bank account. And if money continues to affect your friendships, perhaps you need to make some new ones - preferably ones who are in your tax bracket.
- Christine
Please send me your questions by posting them in the comments section below. You can also email me at christine@huffingtonpost.com.
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My oldest friends are wonderful and usually insist on paying for dinner the half-dozen times a year I venture out. I, in turn, usually insist I pay at least a portion of the tip-- sometimes they kid me into why they're overly fortunate and it's only fair they pay.And you know what? usually they're right. But Christine, your answer (and the excerpts from other) for this young woman is really wrong to make her look at why she's feeling inadequate. Those who have so much money should be looking at the probable inequities of why THEY have so much MORE.
Those of us who are poor, wouldn't be so in an economy that values hard work and integrity more. "Work smart, not hard" doesn't infer intelligence but that savvy strategy, at almost any expense will do.
I make more now than I made 15 years ago. But I worked a hell of a lot more hours back then and, for whatever stress I have now, it was more then.
It is NOT merely a matter of "working harder/more!" Conversely, for those disgusted with stress and life/work imbalances, it is NOT usually viable to advise: "Just work less." In today's workplace, there are few, if any, places that provide work/life balance or opportunities to "downgrade." If I downgrade to a job with less pay, I will tend to have to put in just as many hours (maybe even more).
Please, folks ... ! STOP dismissing the objections of people disgusted with work/rat-race by suggesting all they have to do is "work less." It usually is not an option.
We have friends who became extremely wealthy yet continued with our middle class monthly dining club dinners and continued seeing their neighbors from the old neighborhood at Christmas and other high holy days.
On the other hand, if it becomes all about wealth, then you'll need new friends, even if you should yourself become more wealthy.
Years ago most of my friends were wealthier than I and some were "coupled" so their incomes were really sweet. One gf was single, an investment banker,and already independently wealthy by 35. I really owe her my knowledge of finances and investing and budgeting etc.
She was generous enough to sit me down and caution me about mistakes single women make in not caring for their money, whatever the amount they made, and in not planning for the future (shoe shopping can get in the way). She introduced me to the IRA, Fidelity Investments , basic stock trading and so forth.Most importantly she awoken an interest and commitment to creating wealth. Up until then money had been so ugh boring but especially as an Artist it is key. In any case my finances have blossomed. Doing alright in brooklyn.