How To Spring Clean Your Relationship

Now that Spring is in full bloom, many of us are motivated to do spring cleaning. From our closets to our cupboards, clearing away clutter leaves us feeling refreshed and reinvigorated. But after you drop of bags of clothes to Goodwill and toss stacks of old papers (into the recycling bin of course!), feelings of stress or discontentment may still be lingering. If so, consider the other "clutter" in your life.

Often we encounter people in our life who throw negative energy in our direction or are draining in some way. And there is no donation center that will take your negative friends, annoying colleagues, flaky people, controlling family members, commitment phobic boyfriends, or overly emotional girlfriends away. But do you wish there was?

Although we cannot control the families we are born into, classmates, colleagues, exposure to the media, or our overall environment, we can choose how we relate to our external environment and respond to the people in it. Put simply: we can't change people but we can change the affect they have on us.

People who drain you, treat you poorly, reinforce insecurities, or encourage your bad habits (like the friend who tries to get you to smoke when you are trying to quit) clutter your life with their toxic energy. Think about if there is anyone in your life who would fit into one or more of the following categories:

• You always feel crummy after you talk to him/her and guilty if you don't talk to them
• He/she is really hard on you or judges you harshly
• You walk on egg shells around him/her
• He/she is very negative, depressed, and/or does not take care of herself/himself
• You find there is not much room for YOU in the relationship - it's all about her/him
• You are incredibly bored, uninspired, stressed out, or unhappy in the relationship

If there is one or several people in your life that fit into the categories above, on some level you probably already know your relationship with this person is not ideal. Fears about shifting your relationship with the person, from having a conversation to perhaps stopping interaction with them, may keep you from doing it. Concerns about a relationship are like the miscellaneous junk in the first drawer of your desk - the more you ignore it, the more it piles up.

Relationship spring cleaning gets tricky when it comes to family members so remember that sharing DNA does not grant them an all access pass to your life. Shutting someone out completely may not be an option; however, reestablishing how you react to and interact with them is. Setting boundaries and lovingly sticking up for yourself are integral to creating a solid support system. For instance, say to a sister who always talks about your lack of a boyfriend, "I know you are trying to help, but I am happy with my love life and would rather talk about other things with you."

Or if you have an extremely opinionated or critical parent, try to have more small-talk type conversations. Ask questions about their life versus them interrogating you about yours. Consider everything they say is a "buffet." You get to pick and choose what you decide to take in. Each of us is on our own journey and we cannot fault people for being who they are or expect them to change. Yet we can accept that some people may not be the right fit for us in terms of a close relationship. Ultimately your peace of mind is up to you and living a clean, conscious life with healthy relationships supports that.

Remember that you have the tools within you to create change in your external environment. Create ways to amend the time you spend around those who drain you and reduce the mental energy you invest in thinking about toxic people. Replace the negative internal dialogue and worry with thoughts of loving individuals and the love you have within yourself. Then draw from this emotional bank whenever you are in the presence of a toxic person. And spend more time investing in the relationships in your life that feel balanced and supportive.

Spring cleaning your relationships may be a little challenging at first, but I guarantee that it will ultimately be more fulfilling that 409-ing your kitchen or reorganizing your shoe rack!

Send your questions to christine AT huffingtonpost.com.

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Comments

[ChristineH]

Thanks to everyone for the great comments and feedback! Check my column tomorrow for "Part 2" of Relationship Spring Cleaning.

[Arriane Alexander]

Thanks Christine. In my experience the only way to deal with toxic relationships is to shift within myself...to really see how I let the person affect me. Because I have a choice of how to allow people's actions to affect me or not affect me. I worked with really challenging bosses for years that were like emotionally abusive relationships. Harsh words, never being good enough, etc. I kept shifting the ways I dealt with the situation...really getting clear within myself that this person's words do not need to affect me. It's like building a new muscle of self esteem within myself. And later, when I finally had built a stronger muscle, I realized I could not be around this type of criticism and abuse any longer, so I left the job. Now I'm more happy than ever and continue to surround myself with people who speak kind words of support, not words of criticism.

[brandnewstuff]

Our society has allowed abusive males off the Hook- I say not to domestic abusers-
anyone male or females that did detrimental harm to life- in any area-Contact of Lawyer
That is how to end passive aggresive violent males- seaking from experince

Law enforcement acted poorly- I am missing part of limb- due to a man-

So no Take ACTION_ once you survive nothing to fear-- Courts make a healing place

[AlbaRoswell]

I'm 26 and amazingly, hanging around people who are 18 sounds quite silly, sure, but it's a fantastic way to mentor and also learn ways of staying young, pure and discovering again how exciting life is. 18 year olds are just now getting their hearts ripped apart for the first time and are parental dependent. So the stress is nearly 0 for many. People who get older experience more crap, they get boing, they get grouchy- EVERYONE gets toxic from time to time. Perhaps I won't meet the man of my dreams tagging along with youngins, but I can only stay positive. My boyfriend really does do a good job of putting me down-and when I mean put me down, I mean: I try to reason with him, patiently, softly, and encourage him to trust me, all the while -he sees this and he almost thinks it's funny to try and try to test me with criticism, affirmation that he's interested in other women, and anything to keep pressing my red button. So...instead...we are on hiatus mode. I am staying at arms length. I meditate before I go to bed and not only do I feel better, but magically, the ones you meditate on miss you terribly eventually. Imagine the world loving you and learn to loose yourself-so you don't loose others.

[tekjensen]

Yeah I'm 28 and most of the people I hang around with are 8 years younger than me. I think most of it is because I spent a little over 4 year in the Army and took a year before I started college so I meet a lot my younger friends there. I agree about getting older. I'm seeing how life slowly turns us into something like our parents.

[TchoupitoulasCanal]

Very good article! This is advice I can definitely take to heart!

[ClaraKCMO]

Where's the advice on the co-worker/peer? We have a Toxic IT Director and he makes EVERYONE miserable. The culture of fear if he left has gone on for 10 years and it is completely untenable.

My existing strategy of avoid and hyperdocument are not satisfying. Some people just shouldn't be in charge or responsible for deadlines. Our brass get it intellectually; but they are inert out of fear. Totally got me down.

[Christine Hassler - Huffpost Blogger]

Great question! Here is a link to a former post that may help address this question:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christine-hassler/are-you-annoyed-by-a-co-w_b_171275.html

[CyberJoe]

Great posting. Too bad it describes most people's spouses. Spring cleaning could be a little costly. There's always separate summer vacations!

[wedgie]

Amen to that, brother.

[goddess1871]

I was just thinking the same thing - if I were to spring clean my marriage, what would happen?

[Bitsko]

Or just kick the #@*&! out.

[peachfuzz]

This 'nipping it in the bud' idea is very valuable; I ususally put too much time and effort
into bad relationships then get the boot after I want some reciprocity.
Those people had no intention on reciprocating, it was all about take, take, take.
Good article -- thought provoking.

[TchoupitoulasCanal]

It sounds like we may have been dating the same people, peachfuzz :)

[doxpin]

all women here

[digital]

Most people are not happy because they don't work or live in a society that makes them happy or reinforces good traits in people.

[dadumdee]

Profound. Succinct. Accurate. Beautiful. Thanks for making my day with your post.

[arcanepsyche]

Happiness comes from within. If you're trying to rely on your society to make you happy, something is terribly wrong.

[whoknew---]

Second that....

You are in the driver's seat when it comes to any kind of contentment or any kind of relationship...

don't allow people or situations become the master of you....

[ini]

I agree. Nobody is forcing these people to be around these 'negative' people. I notice people, not all, who rant about these people can be about as or even more negative. A relationship goes both ways. And doesn't anyone ever consider that sometimes people go through bad experiences in life, which can explain their negativity? Never judge a book by its cover. I think people these days put too much emphasis on self than to at least try to care about others.

[Lachlan Prescott]

Totally agree with you. If you keep blaming other for your unhappiness, well, you will never be happy, no matter how many times you spring clean your relationships.

[LafnBacstage]

Oh for the disposable relationship. You, you, you, its all about you. You make me feel this way. It's all your fault. You do or don't treat me the way I want. I think that I'll clean house and dump you rather than look at my contribution to the relationship's dysfunction.

[brandnewstuff]

Interesting-
some of those signs are an abuser and user- And if it went physical and emotionally abusive-
Call a lawyer

[Tatiana]

I needed your advice 2 yrs ago but only now do you post! But I did it, got rid of "that friend" who caused me a great deal of stress.
What you need to add though, from my own personal experience I think it's important to emphasize that it's not an easy task, they don't go away from your life entirely. They lurk in the background and try to re-enter your life through many outlets and channels. Toxic people are that way for a reason and that trait also makes them fail to receive rejection in any form. It's all about them, of course! Always!

[DennyCrane]

Spring cleaning can be pretty difficult, especially if it feels like you'll lose no matter what you do. I had a friend who I felt wasn't treating me very well. In the past, I felt like I had to walk on eggshells and not say what I was thinking for fear of hurting her. But when I finally spoke up and demanded better treatment from her, she was hurt and retreated. So now I seem to have lost that friendship, all because I asked better from her. I know a person should be free to stand up for themselves and expect to be treated right, but in this case, it seemed like a lose-lose solution. Doing nothing was making me unhappy. Speaking up cost me a friend, also making me unhappy. People can be toxic, but sometimes you find yourself still wanting them in your life.

[tilted windmill]

If someone isn't pleasant to be around and isn't willing to make an effort to be nicer, is she really a friend? Maybe she will miss you too, and then she'll do something positive to come back together with you.