How To Spring Clean Your Relationships, PART 2

Last week I wrote a post on "How To Spring Clean Your Relationships" and the insightful comments inspired me to elaborate a bit more about the process. As you are reviewing the relationships in your life, consider the following:

1) Spring cleaning a relationship is NOT about making the other person wrong. Be discerning, not blameful or judgmental when choosing to withdraw from or set a boundary in a relationship. I'll use an analogy to make this point. Say you are not fond of cigarettes and you are sitting at a table near a group of smokers. The self-honoring choice in this situation would be to move to another table to get away from the smoke and be in a healthier environment. It would not be necessary to give dirty looks to the smokers or ask them to quit. You accept the fact that they are choosing to smoke and respect your own well-being by moving away from it.

If you are finding that you are very righteous when spring cleaning relationships, that's an indicator that you are in a "You're wrong and I'm right" pattern. I encourage you to rise above that kind of thinking in your consciousness. And remember, relationships do not suffer solely because of one person; it takes two to tango. If you keep blaming others for your unhappiness, you will never be happy no matter many times you spring clean your relationships.

2) No one can MAKE you feel a certain way and you cannot MAKE someone feel a certain way. We are all responsible for our feelings and actions. Although it often seems like someone is "making" us feel a certain way, we have dominion over our inner experience. Some people in our life do a splendid job of triggering certain negative emotions or reactions and at that point we choose to either work through our projections, set boundaries, or leave a relationship. Also, you are not responsible for someone else's feelings. As human beings, we all have the responsibility to be kind, generous and loving but we do not have the responsibility to make sure others feel that way. Many times people stay in unhealthy relationships because they are afraid to hurt someone else's feelings. But the truth is choosing to stay in a toxic relationship is way of hurting yourself.

3) You cannot change people. So many times we stay in relationships long since they have passed their expiration date. We see someone's potential or we cling to memories from how great the relationship used to be with our fingers crossed that someday soon the person will become who we want. When evaluating your relationships, get to reality ASAP! Is who the person is right now, exactly the way he or she is, in alignment with who you are?

I think the most basic need in any significant relationship is the desire to feel met where we are in terms of our values and actions. If a relationship feels very unbalanced, be honest with yourself. Placing expectations on another person and living on hope is not a way to have a healthy, loving relationship. Be all that you can be in a relationship and if the other person does not meet you - accept them for who they are (remember point #1, no blaming!) and invest the energy you have been spending in trying to change someone into creating new, healthier relationships.

4) Every relationship offers a lesson. We have many soulmates of different kinds in our lifetime. People come in and out of our lives to teach us something about ourselves and our growth. Challenging relationships offer the most challenging, yet most transformative lessons. If you are ending a relationship, ask yourself, "What did I learn from this person? What did I learn about myself as a result of this relationship? Is there a pattern in my life that this relationship fits into and do I want to break that pattern? What is important to me in future relationships?" If you really seek out the learning experience and resolve any issues inside of yourself that were triggered by the relationship, I assure you that future relationships you attract will come with more enjoyable lessons and blessings!

5) Be clear, consistent, and complete when spring cleaning relationships. Setting boundaries can be a difficult thing to do so it's important to keep a few things in mind. I see many of my clients set a boundary in a relationship such as asking a parent to call them on the weekends rather than every day at work, but then continue to take calls at work. Just because we ask for a boundary does not mean people will immediately respect it - especially if there have never been boundaries! We often have to train people to respect our boundaries so honor them and be consistent with your request.

Additionally, when you are clear you are complete with a relationship such as a break-up with a romantic partner, I encourage no contact for at least three to six months. Continuing to be engaged in ANY kind of communication with someone when you are completing a relationship tends to drag the relationship out. Cut all ties so you can heal, learn, grow and move on.

These points may be useful guidelines but there are no set "rules" when it comes to making or breaking relationships as every single relationship is unique and involves varying degrees of give and take. I will assert that the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself and the degree to which you invest in your own personal growth and acceptance of yourself, the more your relationships will reflect that back to you.

Christine
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Comments

[clearthinker2008]

07:58 AM on 05/02/2009

"First, I thought this was going to be an article about enhancing a relationship one is currently involved in, not a get the hell out of Dodge if it is not perfect expose."

I did too.

[Drhank]

05:43 PM on 04/30/2009

Hello! Since Spring is Mother Nature's favorite month, I suggest that the best way to "Spring Clean" your relationship is to make sure you are using the hardwired instinctual tools that Mother Nature has given us to ensure that our relationships thrive. Applied to spring cleaning your relationship, this means:
1. Make sure you are both "emotionally growing"-otherwise you will never thrive.
2.. Care-solicit-feel comfortable in asking each other for help
3. Care-develop-tend to the physical and mental health of each other
4. Beautify-keep your attractive to each other-support, dependability, new interests are essentials
5. Cooperative-don't play tit for tat-cooperate even when your partner isn't
6. Be curious-explore and investigate new activities together.

As pointed out in the new book, The Genius of Instinct (FT, April 2009) these are your natural tools for keeping the Spring in your relationship.

[dadw5boys]

08:13 PM on 04/29/2009

Once again it is all about " YOU " !!!!

When you expect others to honor you Boundry's you need to start by Honoring their boundry''s first.

If you can't honor theirs do not expcet them to honor yours.

.

[Flavor]

08:50 PM on 04/28/2009

Mrs. Hassler, thank you for the article, you hit on a lot of things I think is important to know. You know so many times whether female or male we think the person we are with is the key to our happiness, and we tend to only be happy if our relationship with our spouse is going well. You also gave me some food for thought, that flavor, you aren't always right your mate has a point also. Since I can have a tendacy to rule I am learning that my husband has feelings also and that he also want to be heard. I've been married 18yrs and it was a lot of learning and giving and listening to my husband whether I agreed with him or not. You were so on target when you said you can't change people because the only one you can change is yourself. I also don't believe you were just referring to women and their relationship, I think you were simply talking about relatioships period it could be friendships. I'msending this article to many. Once again thank you, for such a timely article.

[scottfrommodesto]

06:33 PM on 04/28/2009

We all know spring is the time when women with entitlement complexes seek to trump up the importance of insignificant issues within a relationship. There is an all out campaign to "do better" for themselves. For the man's part, he must bend over backwards and will grovel, apologize, see a therapist, exercise, try to get a raise, do favors, etc. As long as she doesn't find someone else to play with, the relationship will endure. Guys, if you've been recently dumped, don't worry. It's in their genes, or lack of a y chromosome, or whatever.

[clearthinker2008]

07:58 AM on 05/02/2009

You know, I'm a women (a gay women at that) and I've witnessed what your talking about. It doesn't matter what some of you do or don't do outside of cheating, it's like some women are just waiting for something better to come along and then blame you (for your lacking in this or that) when they do, so they can feel better about breaking you in half.

[brandnewstuff]

04:33 PM on 04/28/2009

I am not a repub- but I concur-with the Radical- this article is vauge- and whena sitution involves a violent criminal and a physical abuser- you do not have to be social- side do get drawn- That is a fact not a psycho blah bah blah on trying to make crap look great at a party! Why fake it like most phoney people BE REAL

[RadicalRepublican]

04:20 PM on 04/28/2009

First, I thought this was going to be an article about enhancing a relationship one is currently involded in, not a get the hell out of Dodge if it is not perfect expose. Secondly, in long term commitments, couples go through periods where they are not at their best, this is not a reason to move on. It's not necessarily true that the expiration date has passed. We are not islands, we are social beings and to be ambivilant to the way we effect each other isn't strength, it's coldness.