Huffpost Women

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Christine Hassler Headshot

Are You Choosing Someone Who Isn't Choosing You?

Posted: Updated:

One of my clients has been in so much pain because she continues to choose a relationship that is not choosing her back. She is ready to dive in wholeheartedly yet he remains elusive. The more she tries to win him over or convince herself that she is "okay" with his non-committal vibe, the more painful it becomes. I have so much compassion for her because I've been there -- I think we have ALL been there.

Liking someone and not feeling liked back. Contorting yourself into who you think they want you to be. Hoping, praying and wishing that person would just see how amazing you would be together and choose you. Wanting that person to be available, willing and ready to commit.

Not feeling "chosen" feels awful.

Why continue choosing into situations where we are not seen, valued and met?

In my client's case, a part of her knows that she deserves someone who truly is in love with her. Yet another part of her is in love with the idea of winning this guy over and the fantasy of what could be.

Granted, at the beginning of any relationship there is some wooing that goes on. When we first start dating someone, it's natural to put a little more effort in so the other person knows that you like him/her. But there is a line between wooing someone because you are mutually interested in relationship and convincing someone to be in a relationship with you.

Have you crossed the line? Here's how you know. When someone is clear -- either in their words or behavior -- that they are not looking for a commitment and you are, do you hear that information and know that is your time to opt out because your values don't align? Or do you fall in love with a fantasy? If someone continues to be slippery and not really act that into you, do you walk away or start to think of ways that you could possibly convince this person to pick you?

If you choose the latter, then you are entering into a future of senseless suffering. You will ignore your top values and instead listen to the voice of your ego, which says, "I want what I want and I'm going after it." You then start thinking of ways to manipulate, convince and strategize your actions. At the same time, you will begin feeling rejected and obsessive.

As much as you say you want someone to be in a loving, intimate and committed relationship, part of you may not think it's possible. Maybe you've been hurt in the past by a committed relationship and unconsciously you are putting effort into a relationship that will never become committed as a way to protect yourself. Or perhaps you have some limiting beliefs about your worthiness, which are fueling your pattern of chasing after crumbs. And as much as you want to receive love, there is something about it that scares you. Or even worse, thinks you don't deserve it.

If this resonates with you, invest the energy that you are investing in chasing after a slippery person into yourself. Heal your wounds and update your beliefs. Make creating a healthy relationship with YOU the object of your desire.

Now back to my client who sees so much "potential" in this guy even though he's been pretty clear with his actions that he is not choosing into a relationship with her. (Tangential reminder: if words and behavior don't match, it's a red flag. Believe people's actions over their words.) She is so mesmerized with the attributes of this person, what they look like, their personality, what they do in the world, etc., that she is overlooking his actions! All in all she is more in love with the fantasy than the actual person.

I asked her, "Don't you want the experience of choosing AND being chosen? Are convincing and chasing really part of the love story that you want to tell?" Her eyes filled with tears as she nodded her head and said, "But I'm scared I won't feel this strongly about someone else." I reassured her that she could trust the feeling of being excited about someone without attaching it to that person. And that letting him go did not mean she had to let go of her heartfelt desires to feel and be in love. It was okay to long for that, and wait for that. But in the meantime, settling for crumbs is not at all what her heart truly desires.

My encouragement to you is to be ruthlessly honest with yourself about whether or not you are dating or chasing. You are worthy of a relationship that you do not have to chase after. You deserve to feel peaceful in your relationship and be with someone who shares your values. You have a huge heart with so much love to give and if someone isn't "choosing" you, why do you keep choosing him/her?!

Take back your power. Choose wisely someone who will choose you back. Trust that we all have a lot of options when it comes to relationships, but that the one relationship we MUST honor first is the one with ourselves. If you want to attract a wonderful, loving partner who treats you the way you want to be treated, you will do that when you love yourself and treat yourself with respect, kindness and love. So stop running after someone else. Choose you. Pick you. Chase you.

P.S. Want to heal suffering around relationships for good? I'm hosting a retreat in Mexico that is all about your love life. If you are ready to call in a great relationship or improve the one you're in, join me in paradise. Details here.