My Parents Or My Boyfriend?

Dear Christine,
My parents do not approve of my boyfriend but I love him and we are happy together. They keep telling me that I can do better and are not very welcoming. This is causing me a lot of stress and tension because I am really close to my parents. What do I do?
-"Torn between him and them," 25, Michigan

Dear "Torn,"
As part of a generation raised by "helicopter parents," I'm guessing Mom and Dad have been very involved in every aspect of your life and have an opinion about everything you do - including whom you date. And if you are like most twenty-somethings, their approval means a great deal to you...but so does your current "McDreamy," so what's a girl to do?

First of all, it's important to discern whether your parents are expressing reasonable concern or judgment based on their own biases. What's the difference? Well, reasonable parental concern would be around issues that would create a sensational plot line for a Lifetime movie. For example: he's a drug addict, alcoholic, abusive, womanizer, extremely emotionally unstable, too old for you, liar, moocher, or has a criminal record. If your guy demonstrates or even shows signs of any of these types of things, perhaps your parents have a point. Time to take off the rose-colored glasses and dump the "bad boy" or "project."

On the other hand, if your parents are expressing feelings based on their judgments of him, meaning they just don't like him as a matter of taste or opinion, that is a different story. But you don't have to choose him or them - there are ways to deal with Mom and Dad's judgments. It's critical that you stop playing defense. I am sure they have reasons that make perfect sense to them about why he's not the right guy for you and you're not going to be able to change their minds. As hard as it may be, I encourage you to suck it up and hear them out without defending him or your relationship. Just say, "I hear you and understand you only want the best for me, but I have to decide for myself what is best for me." As soon as your parents see they are not getting a reaction out of you, they may start to back off.

After they wear themselves out a bit, approach them with an invitation to get to know your guy a little better. Tread lightly here. Consider saying something along the lines of, "Mom and Dad, I understand how you feel about my boyfriend but I don't want this to drive a wedge between us. It would really mean a lot to me if we could all spend some time together so you can get to know him." Have the meeting on your turf so both you and your boyfriend feel comfortable. In the meantime, try not to let this situation consume you as it will get in the way of enjoying your individual time with your boyfriend or your parents. Make the subject off limits during one-on-one time with either of them.

Your parents' opinion may change, but it may not and you will have to face that reality. Do your best to open their hearts and their minds, but in the end it's you who has to love him, not them. And you can't live your life consistently seeking your parents' approval if you ever want to truly grow up. That said, keep in mind that sometimes our parents see red flags that we don't, especially in the first year of a relationship where infatuation can be blinding. Be open to the possibility that your parents may have a point, even if their delivery of it is harsh. Only you know how and if the relationship is truly serving you. Don't stay in it to prove them wrong and don't jump too soon to gain their approval.
-Christine

Send your questions to christineAThuffingtonpost.com.

Comments

[AdviceMaven]

I think that it's always worth examining the concerns of your parents, since for the most part they are the only people who truly have your best interest at heart. I'm curious to know how other people that are close to you view this relationship. If they share your parents' opinion, then you be letting your feelings get in the way of seeing your relationship clearly. If no one else shares your parents' concerns, then they may just need more time to get to know him.

[dnddays]

If it's me, choose the boyfriend. If it's some other guy, choose the parents. Then choose me.

Wins!

[brooklyncitizen]

Well cutting the cord is important.

[Star05]

I was in the same situation almost six years ago and have been happily married ever since. I still barely speak to my mother and I am the only person attempting to reach out or make things better. My husband is a different race and nationality, and 11 years older. Other friends have asked me for advice and it was a huge sacrifice so I recommended not to go through with it if they were in the early stages. Still don't know what I am going to do when we have children if she will be a part of their lives or not.

[MikeDu]

If you watch most romantic comedies, or most romantic dramas, or... well... porn, you'll notice the main characters NEVER come with parents attached. With romance you're supposed to get 'lost in each others eyes' to use the old phrase, or at least lost in each others beds, but NOT lost in eachothers family dynamics. First settle on what YOU are doing - are you having a 'romantic adventure' or are you building your own household? One is none of the family's business, the other comes with family attached.

[JamieNYC]

Through all these comments lets sort out some common sense. The author suggests at least one brilliant truth that most people in the middle of such a predicament easily forget -- get off defense, and take the charge. In a lot of ways, we're all mildy sociopathic, meaning we're out to exert control over others for our own benefit. When someone senses they have the power to do just that, sometimes they take it for granted and abuse it. When you find yourself at the mercy of someone else's whim, deny them the privilege. If they really have a stake in your best interests, they'll learn to work with you, not as though you work for them.

[sarabono]

Most Parents are worth listening to. Remember, most parents have your best interests at heart and actually do have a valid perspective since they have a longer life experience. (Yep,cause they are old farts :)

[Professor Zoom]

They are worth listening to, but sometimes what their best interests are for you, aren't exactly what is the best for your life and your situation.

[Professor Zoom]

My ex was the same. Her parents loved me until she told them that we were dating. Then it became, "Don't you bring that black guy into our Italian family." Everything was fine between us until then. And it wasn't just her parents, but other family members and friends as well. It also didn't help that she still lived at home. She pretty much did whatever her parents told her, and she held out for a while, but one day she told me that it would just be easier if she dated a white guy and that she was breaking up with me.

[Wood]

sorry to hear that, man...

weak chick.. racist fam...

it's always cool, until....

[GEM-592]

25 is the new 15 !

[DirtyMoon]

Parents are so full of bullshit and don't know anything. My boyfriend is white and he treats me very well, but he will never be accepted in our family because he is not from India or Pakistan and doesn't follow the Islamic faith. In short, my parents are racist, hateful idiots.

My parents kept trying to break us up, but they will never succeed. They want to force me into a relationship with someone from my own background because they claim I'll be much happier... just because we share the same religion and the same skin colour?!?!?!

which proves that parents don't always know the best.

[nimblehuman]

Hahahahaha, my dadiji (that's dad's mom to you non-desis out there) never really warmed up to me or my sister because we were the half-American "mongrels" in our otherwise pristine Rajput Punjabi family from Pakistan.

My advice to you is stick to your guns. After all, my sister started dating a good friend of mine (German/Aztec mix dude) and ended up married to him. Either they will come around and see that your man is good to you and makes you happy, or you'll have to blaze your own path and cut them out for a while. Unless you want to live under their shadow for the rest of your life, stand up for your right to be with your man and don't let them break you up just so they can hook you up with someone of their choosing.

[Lisa Earle McLeod - Huffpost Blogger]

Let's face it, nobody is good enough for your daughter. We may have dated a string of losers ourselves, but when it comes to our baby girl the standards are much higher.

Call it evolution, parental pride or a bad case of unrealisticitis, there's hardly a parent alive who watched their child go, who didn't have some misgivings about the person who was taking her away.

[robbyJ]

I'd say it's more about daughters. If i had a son I'd let him date whoever the hell he wanted as long as he didn't get married.

If I had a daughter I wouldn't let her date anyone but potential husband material.

Ask me why and i can't tell you, it's more of what society has ingrained in me. But hopefully when I'm a father I'll be able to trust in my lineages decisions over what I believe.

[Professor Zoom]

Now that is the fast way to insure that she will date someone the total opposite.

[afrayedknot]

robbyJ: Rather than focus on what you'd let happen, please consider what you can do now. Set your daughter up for success by ensuring that she both (1) knows the difference between "husband material" and "fun date material" and (2) has the self-awareness and self-assurance to know she deserves to be treated like "wife material" and not a fun date or "good enough for now."

From a woman who learned the hard way -- trial and error.

[Maxiesid]

Personally, I think a very important question was left unanswered. That question is: Are you living at home with your parents? That is the only thing that makes sense from the young woman's post. Why would she care if her parents were 'welcoming' if she is living in her own apartment? If you are on your own it is very easy... you just don't take the boyfriend with you when you visit your parents> how often is that anyway? On the other hand if the 25 year old is living at home and expects her parents to welcome a boyfriend to be with her there too.... well, that IS asking quite a bit.

[alexii]

My daughter's 23 and I don't meet her boyfriends any more. Too much drama!

[zukervati]

Ditto that - I want to deal with only the final contestant.

[robbyJ]

hahah Come on downnnn!!! *ques price is right jingle*

[Nathaliefranks]

When I was 28 I fell in love for the first time. Both my parents did not approve, and I took no notice.
I spent about a year with this guy and the relationship came to an end. I had to learn by my own mistakes.

Other choices I made also were not approved by my parents and the one main one was choosing my own spiritual path. Happily I am still in the path of my choice. It was tough at the time as my parents
ridiculed me, and did everything in their power to dissuade me. I am glad I heeded my own inate wisdom.

[zukervati]

From a parent's perspective (mine), I would do anything so that my daughter can "avoid" the mistakes to begin with - some mistakes can't be reversed. I know I can't protect/guide her forever, but I believe we've given her enough common sense to deal with any relationship issues. Finding a good mate is hard enough, let alone someone that measures up to your parents' standards.

[Rider3]

True. However, this is a life lesson. You can give your child all of your golden information, but the child still believes he/she knows what they're doing and will do it anyway. That's how we all learn. It drives me crazy, too, because you want to save them a lot of heartache, but in all actuality, the child must experience this for themselves and learn/grow because of the lesson it taught them. Growing up is tough!

[Deparis]

Christine lost all credibility (my personal opinion, of course) with that one liner, "too old for you". How much is too old for a 25 year-old woman? 30? 40? 50? 60? I thought age was just a number and should not really be the deciding factor in choosing who you'd like to be with.

Well, Ms. "Torn", I am no relationship expert, but the best advice I can give you and that has always worked for me (a treasure from my beloved deceased grandma) is that "words and deeds are key in every relationship". Don't disregard what mom and dad say altogether, but judge your bf by what he says and what he does; if you approve of them... you've gotten yourself a fine man (for your taste). Good luck!!!

K. Deparis

[GordonDR]

Agree completely about age and any other arbitrary criteria, such as height, skin color, religion, etc. It is up to people to find out what they value about each other and how well their temperaments and interests mesh.

[zukervati]

According to the wise Chinese, the age difference between a man and a woman ought to be half of the man's age plus seven years. So if a man is 50, the woman he ought to date should be 32.

[Jocalo]

I don't know a lot of 32 year old women who are looking for a 50 year man as an ideal marriage candidate... just saying. Also, just on a practical front, male sperm ages just as eggs do, so biologically it doesn't make a lot of sense either.

That said, if two people fall in love and they are happy with their age difference, then good luck to them. I have a family member who married a man 15 years younger than her, they've been married for 40 years and still hold hands.

[yearlin]

ill...cradle robbers.

[colorwindows]

AWESOME! Women in their 40s LOOOOVE to do 80 yr old dudes!!!

[Epiphany2b]

Any traditional wisdom on the other way around, or is that just not done.

I figure it's all in how it falls together. I'm 69 and my husband is 46 and we're happy as clams. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

[elizabethf86]

Unfortunately, there are parents out there that will judge a person based on criteria such as age, race, religion, career, etc.