On Dating An Older Man

Dear Christine,

I started dating a man and we have an amazing connection. We have endless and effortless conversations about the myriad interests we share, he's hilarious (and he thinks I am too), we share the same values in life, I feel like I can be 100% myself with him.

Here's the problem. I'm 27. He's 42. I know he's not old enough to really be my father, but he's up there. I had NEVER considered or imagined I would be drawn to someone so much older. But now that I am, I am so torn. Do I turn away what seems to be my perfect match because of the age gap? Let me be clear, I'm not drawn to him because he "fathers me." I have a great, solid relationship with my dad and have no issues there. It's really a case of two kindred spirits being separated by a lot of numerical years. If I follow what feels right, am I setting myself up for future failure? Do you think this is a terrible idea? Please help! - Old Soul, 27

Dear Old Soul,

Just the fact that you are presenting this question makes me wonder if you already know the answer. Usually, we don't question the things we know in our gut to in our best interests. You are concerned that a 15 year age difference may be a "terrible idea" or "setting yourself up for future failure." Are these irrational concerns, or is this your intuition trying to out-talk your infatuation?

In my opinion, there is a lot more than just 15 years that separates you from your 42-year-old boyfriend. He's had a heck of a lot more life experience than you have. You are in your late twenties, a time in life when you are just beginning to become sure of who you are and what you want. You are creating your life while he is already in the prime of his. If you were 40 and he was 55, I would not be as concerned about the age difference as both of you would have had ample time to experience life and mold your identity. By dating someone so much older, you are missing out on being with someone who is in the same phase of life that you are; someone with whom you can share the joys and pitfalls of discovery. Plus, this is a new relationship and you need to take into account that some of the sparks you feel come from the novelty of it.

You mentioned that you are not trying to live out some father figure fantasy. Okay, but consider this: are you drawn to him because he is so settled in his life while you are still putting the pieces of yours together? I speak from experience. In my twenties, I dated a man who was eleven years my senior and it was great until I realized I was living vicariously through him. I wanted to be where he was in his life - accomplished, more confident, and all the other things that come with additional years on the planet. What I realized is that I was trying to skip over my own twenty-something experience by coat-tailing his life. Sure, we had the same kind of connection you speak about and I really did feel like we were kindred sprits in a lot of ways; however, the unavoidable truth was that we were at very different points of our lives. Dating an older man can be an ego boost since being wanted by someone older makes you feel more mature. I share this with you because I encourage you to ask yourself if some of his appeal lies in the simple fact that he is older.

Furthermore, other than the very obvious reasons, why is a 42-year-old dating a 27-year-old? Has he ever been married or in a serious committed relationship? Think about your needs and growth. Do you want to spread your wings and live the carefree singles life for a while, or are you looking to settle down into the lifestyle that he has spent the past two decades creating?

Since I realize my advice is very one-sided, and I really don't know anything about you or your love interest, I want to offer you a different perspective. I forwarded your question to Dr. Ava Cadell, Love Guru, Therapist, Author, and founder of Loveology University. Here is what she had to say: "Why are you thinking about problems that don't exist? Age is just a number, but love, connection, values, compatibility and chemistry are real. And by the way, they are real hard to find in one person, so thank your lucky stars that you have found your soul mate. Celebrate your union and enjoy each moment you spend together. A word of caution though, if you think and anticipate failure, you will surely achieve it!"

I echo her word of caution and circle back to the simple truth that you are having doubts. Some say love is blind and ageless, but a sustainable relationship is built on a lot more than just love alone. It takes a certain amount of compatibility to carry you through the decades ahead. A 15 year age difference is significant. Period. Just think about having children in your thirties, and chasing around toddlers with a man in his late forties. I hear that you are an old soul, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to date someone significantly older to meet your "soul-match." I say go for a five to seven year age difference.

But bottom-line, you are the only one who really knows if this relationship is a fit. I'm not saying it couldn't work; I'm just asking you to think beyond the immediate comfort and initial honeymoon phase, evaluate your doubts and the source of those doubts, and ask yourself if this is what you really want. After thinking it through, if you believe he is still your soul match, then don't let the age gap get in your way. -Christine

Please send me your questions by posting them in the comments section below. You can also email me at [e-mail]

Comments

[Jsens3]

When he was in his 80's, William O.Douglas, an Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court sired a child on a woman under 25. I think they were over 60 years apart in age. Fifteen years is insignificant. The federal government paid Civil War pensions well into the 1960's and 1970's for women who when young had married Civil War Veterans. Then there's the money thing. Remember the German saying, Junge Weiber, Altes Geld, Zusammen in der ganzen Welt!

[1will]

Don't listen Old Soul. Keep dating the 42 year old man. As a matter of fact I encourage more 27 year old women to date men in their 40's.

[gladiatorpodolsky]

My wife is 15 years younger than me. We've been happily married 22 years. But apparently I'm too old for her! What a great excuse to dump the old bag!

[Moxo]

My father was 23 years older than his second wife - he was 42, she was 19 when they met. They were together 50 years and loving each other till he died at 93. I should have asked them how they managed the age diff so well.

[JaneaneTheAcerbicGoblin]

I used to think older men/younger women (and vice versa) was weird, especially the first one. Luckily, I grew older (hahaha) and realised it doesn't matter one whit.

Clint Eastwood, one of my favorite filmmakers, has a wife 40 years younger (or around that).

Leni Riefenstahl (yes, that one), in the last years of her life (she lived to be nearly 100) had a companion a third of her age (roughly around 35...she was 93 or so).

I don't honestly care about age. Youth is overrated.

[MyNameIsJames]

Dear Christine,

Your advice to Old Soul doesn't ring true between men and women. In fact, it seems that when people marry who are the same age - there seems to be a lot more competition between the two in today's society. It is biologically preferable for older men and younger women to form relationships. Women desire stability - older men are more stable both emotionally and (generally) financially. Older men desire fertile younger women especially when they reach middle age. There is a trade off. This may ruffle some people the wrong way because it may not be politically correct - Tough shit! Life and especially relationships don't conform to politically correct standards.

[OldYoungWhatever]

Christine, your opinions might be valid for some couples but certainly not for all. I'm 58, and my wife is 37. We got married at ages 45/24. (First marriage for both.) We have two wonderful kids ages 9 and 11, and none of us notices the age difference. Our friends don't either. Some things do help: We both keep ourselves fit -- we love to bike and ski and travel and we go to the fitness club as a family. Our kids, both boys, run us ragged which is great. We eat right and do all that stuff with vitamins and preventive checkups and stuff. Hardly any TV, no couch-potato life for us. We're both self-employed, she's at home and I'm downtown, and we love our work, which also helps. Sure, maybe in 15-20 years when the kids are grown and I'm in my 70s she will wish something differently? Who knows? I read about people who are stuck in dull marriages, but ours sure isn't. On a purely physical level it's great. Sex several times a day, putting ice down her back and she shrieks, wrestling with the kids, etc. Age difference? Whatever!

[Jeff1958]

Sex several times a day??? Does she have a sister?

[Trollstakeyourmeds]

You believe him? I have a bridge to sell you in Minnesota...cheap.

[Classof89]

I've never understood the double standards that has always been associated with this issue. Young girls/older men is and always was the norm, all the while men getting a pat on the back, "'atta boy". God forbid an older woman/younger man relationship. Even in the 21st century, it's still taboo in this society.

I hate to go celebrity here, but I've noticed a lot of people always quick to point out Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher (15 year difference), and years ago, it was all about Susan Sarandon/Tim Robbins, even a little further back, Dinah Shore/Burt Reynolds, but you never hear a word about Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes (16 year difference), Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie, and countless others. Hardly ever heard about the late, 80-something Tony Randall, his young wife and young child.

I wouldn't want to go either way because if you're too old, you'll remind me too much of my parents, and if you're too young, you'll remind me a lot of my younger sibling. I've just been comfortable relating to people of my generation. That's just me. But if you are mature, you have an understanding of each other, and know what you want in life, cool, more power to you. I admire that. Life's too short. But don't sit there and say what should be acceptable and normal for one group shouldn't be acceptable and normal for another.

Also, someone so eloquently pointed out "it's just the price we pay to have someone without a sagging body and an attitude of superiority." Eventually, young girls do get old, will sag, and get cranky, but the old man may not be around for that. By the way, there are gorgeous 40+ women out there with positive attitudes, not superiority. Don't confuse acting superior with confidence. Maybe that's what older men are afraid of. They can't take a challenge.

[Mark701]

Methinks Christine is projecting too much of her own experience into her opinion. The age difference is only recently an issue. Years ago it wasn't uncommon for a younger woman to be married to an older man. My grandmother was 17 when she married my grandfather who was 33. They had two children and stayed happily married for life. Age has little to do with compatibility. What matters is how they feel about each other and how committed they are.

[meeneecat]

I agree. I think her advice is biased and well, just plain bad. Very bad advice. I mean what's more important than love, trust and support in a relationship. Certainly not age. Who cares what the age difference is as long as both partners are mature and in love.

[Davee1]

While I agree with some of the cautions you lay out, I don't think just because this woman is asking about her relationship she is necessarily having doubts. People are conditioned by others in society to think any experience outside of a very narrow reality that we call "normal" is wrong. It can lead anyone to question something, even if nothing really IS wrong with it.

Also, relationships are fraught with insecurity to begin with. Some people will question even a good thing.

[QueenCeleste]

I think love and relationships are over-analyzed far too much. If both people are happy that is the main thing. However there is another aspect so far not mentioned. I have pretty, smart, great friends in their forties and fifties who cannot find men to date. Why not? Because men their age (and older) are dating women ten to twenty years their junior. A sad situation.

[iamtoo]

Of course they date us because we're rich. It isn't foolish on our part, it's just the price we pay to have someone without a sagging body and an attitude of superiority. Neither is attractive.

[DonsBlog]

Are you nuts? This is the worst advice I've ever heard. Listen to the guru, Christine is clueless.

There's no doubt that women tend to mature earlier than men. Ask any doctor, brains differ. It's an evolutionary and protection of the species thing. Women's brains mature early because they are primary to existence.

There's certainly an energy difference, but an older man has had a chance to explore, mature, and learn to focus on family and friends. Younger men are about career, team mates, and experiences.

The US is one of the few cultures where people are expected to marry their own age. There's a reason for this. Why are you giving advice? It's people like you that make her question her own happiness and success in a relationship.

[Classof89]

"There's no doubt that women tend to mature earlier than men."

In this day and age, you don't find too many young women or men who are mature. You really don't find very many (NOT ALL) people in ANY age to be mature nowadays. (Hate to turn political) One example: Bush.

[MichaelCanfield]

If you received a letter from a 42 year-old-woman worried about dating a 27 man you would you express the same concerns? Or would you say, go for it, cougar! Or is 15 years the absolute cut off in your opinion?

Well if Aston Kutcher and Demi Moore (14 years apart) are happy, and Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (12 years apart) -- SO WHAT?

Since primary season is reaching Texas let me offer what I think is a very sensible down home saying:

"If it don't scare the cows, then what harm does it do?"

[seeyouinthepark]

CONTINUED....

Now we are raising a wonderful young child. This time, my wife and I are in agreement about how to handle him, when to discipline him, what values to teach, etc. (That's another thing that takes determined, continuous communication.)

The point is that the age gap can create a dynamic household. My experience combined with my wife's energy, intuition and maternal instincts helped us create a domestic life that nurtures and sustains us. We have friends with similar age gaps who report the same thing.

My wife is pursuing a marvelous career, scheduled around the child-rearing needs of our son, through her own drive and creativity. I am for now the main breadwinner, providing the secure salary and benefits that give her the freedom to pursue her career. Our age-gap formula works. It can work for others.

To people struggling with this decision, my advice is: 1. Don"t let societal pressures to avoid an older or younger partner interfere with your decision for long. The social critics won"t be living it, you will. Let "em gossip. They"ll get bored with it eventually, and your successful relationship will silence the criticism. 2. Don"t rush. Take your time and consider all the angles -- and discuss them fully with one another -- before you make a decision. 3. Each partner should have at least a few years of experience in the dating world -- especially the older person. That person shouldn"t try to settle down again immediately after leaving a marriage, for instance. Big mistake. Older or younger, no marriage should begin before each has had time to look around, experience life, measure their place in the world. 4. Ask yourself if you ended this relationship and married someone your own age, would you wonder forever whether you did the right thing? Deep and abiding connections between partners are special and to be treasured, even if they involve people of different generations.