Part 2: The Rite Of Passage For Today's Twenty-Something Woman

In my column last week, I discussed the rite of passage that a woman goes through in her twenties which brought forward great comments and questions so I'm continuing the conversation. Next week I'll summarize the two columns by featuring specific tips for twenty-something transformation. But if you want concrete action steps for how to figure out who you are and what you want, they don't really exist because nobody can tell you how to figure out yourself better than you!

While it's true that life is an on-going process of evolution and discovery, the twenty-something decade of a woman's life presents a critical time to answer a call from within. Yet often this call is drown out by immense internal and external pressure to answer questions regarding career, relationships, money, body, family, and everything else on the "having it all" checklist.

Today's young woman is rarely in the present moment because she spends so much time thinking about the future. The here and now can be uncomfortable when feelings of confusion, sadness, anxiety, fear, anger, frustration and so on surface. The present moment is where all her answers lie; however, voices from her past and the call of expectations of the future drown out her inner voice.

Last week, I asked the question: Do you want to crawl through life or do you want to spread your wings and FLY? From my perspective, crawling through life is living according to the expectations of others or societal standards that we internalize. Doing overpowers being. When we are crawling through life, we are lead by the mind/ego and buy into a false illusion of control. Although it may feel safe to live belly to the ground, fear of failure or the unknown actually become roadblocks to an uplifting and fulfilling life.

Flying involves taking leaps of faith and jumping into the unknown. It is coming from place of inspiration rather than expectation. Inspiration is an inside job though and today's young women are too busy searching for someone or something else to light them up. We've got inspiration backwards as we've been conditioned to decide what we want to be and who we want to be with before we figure out ourselves.

To truly fly, a woman must risk giving up all her preconceived notions about who she "should" be and what life is "supposed" to be like. She has to be willing to give up the job, relationship or any other circumstance or expectation that is distracting her from living an authentic life. What is so tricky is that often things can look really fantastic from the outside which makes them challenging to transition out of.

But just as a caterpillar knows it is time to stop being a caterpillar, that there is something even more beautiful it is destined to become; every woman intuitively knows when something is not in alignment with who she truly is. Like the caterpillar, she must journey through the Chrysalis process that involves entering a self-made cocoon. During the time spent in this cocoon she may encounter struggle, doubt, isolation, and darkness; however, she emerges a beautiful, vibrantly colored butterfly that can now fly.

Every woman wants to fly, but she is often too scared to step into the cocoon of self-discovery which involves an unraveling of all her expectations, limiting beliefs, and insecurities. Often a woman will step into the cocoon and as soon as it gets too hard or too dark, she will look for something or someone to pull her out. And when she does, she interrupts her own transformation process and emerges before she is fully formed. Consequently, she makes decisions and enters into situations that she may someday outgrow.

Women come to me with questions about what and how to add to their life, but true transformation is about letting go. If a woman is willing to consciously make the choice to let go of her old stories of doubt, unworthiness and insecurity, she has the opportunity to move into a level of self-acceptance that is so profound she no longer seeks anything or anyone to complete her. This is true empowerment. As we lighten up, we discover that taking flight is much sweeter than squirming around on the ground.

If you are feeling some kind of internal angst, don't worry! It may be the call of transformation. Answer it. Be willing to let go of everything you think you need to be and do. Take leaps of faith -- now is the time to learn how to fly.

Take inventory of your life and determine what isn't serving or supporting you. If nothing feels terribly wrong, yet nothing feels terribly right either, don't settle! Why play it safe and settle for something you know is not really YOU? Give up the career path that looks good on paper but has your stomach tied in knots. Give up the relationship that you are in for its potential that keeps you up at night. Give up the dreams mom and dad had for you and create your own. Give up the need to be more, better or different. Give up wanting to be like or liked by someone else.

Be willing to step into the cocoon and do the work. Sometimes all you have to do is be willing to change and the change begins -- it's resistance that keeps us where we are. Yes you may make what you think are mistakes and yes you may be uncomfortable but wouldn't that all be worth it if you could fly?

Comments

[megsnashville]

Alot of the things she is saying ring true with me. I'm a 23 year old woman and many times women my age make decisions based on fear of leaving a comfortable situation or relationship. But if that job looks good on paper even if its sucks why not tough it out to get what you really want one day. Especially at a time like this when leaving a job purely on a whim of soul searching would be irresponsible. Jobs are incredibly hard to come by-for everyone. What happened to working hard for what you want no matter what. I agree with enoch-give back to your community and others. That's the best way to experience happiness. Get outside of yourself. When it comes to relationships-it seems young women are heading back in the direction of getting married early rather than waiting til their 30's.

[philosopherkingtomas]

date cougars!

[HoneyBee Henderson]

Great words of encouragement to the 20 somethings. I wished I had known then, what I know now....Thank you for sharing your words of encouragement to the young ladies. We do have an internal instinct (intuition) that kicks in when things are not in alignment. The trick is tuning in and listening to what we already know.

[Cosmic-Zantor]

A good philosophy, but why are these articles limited to focusing on women? The exact same philosophy applies to men. This is an attitude all humans should take, not just 20-something women.

[Katie Schawaroch]

Thank you for writing this article. Obviously, some people don't get what you're saying but I hope that the people you are specifically talking to will. Life is a journey that should be paved by doing the things you love. And when the things you love come from your heart instead of your ego everyone wins. I am 28, and two years ago when I asked my heart what I really wanted, happiness was the answer. Happiness to me is helping others. I now devote my life to that and it has gotten infinitely better on levels I didn't even know existed. Thank you.

[TJCole]

"Follow your bliss...!"

Joesph Campbell

[xtina8o4]

I would be very surprised if the previous comments claiming selfishness in this article were written by 20-something females. To me, you've discussed mindfulness and insight and I think you were right on. I'm 23 and taking a huge leap: moving 12 hours away from my friends and family and breaking up with someone I would like to spend the rest of my life with so that I can get my PhD. It's scary as he*l but it's what I want for myself and I know it's what I need to do to grow. The beginning will be lonely and uncomfortable but something about the program inspires me and my gut tells me it will be an important and worthwhile experience. I don't believe my family or friends think this is selfish of me. I do believe that if I stayed where I am now, I would suffocate in my indifference to my own life. My only fear is not meeting up with my (ex) boyfriend in the future, but love is another topic..

[au6553]

It wasn't enough to wreck our economy by embracing the me-generation politics and lifestyle that culminated in the Reagan Revolution, now Boomers want to recreate their "liberation movement" by encouraging us to selfishly abandon their responsibilities just as they have done. What could go wrong? Look around you. If you're a twenty something, find a nice person to settle down with, live frugally, find a fulfilling career, and save your money. Do exactly the opposite of what your parents have done unless you want to spend your "retirement" alone, working as a walmart greeter, with nothing but the wreckage of your failed relationships and a chemical dependency for companionship in your waning years.

[malvones]

Wow. That's depressing.

I think what the author is suggesting is just a little soul-searching.

[gifu]

"Soul searching" SHOULD involve a healthy dose of cynical thought, malvones. Depressing, maybe, but honest.

[Cosmic-Zantor]

What an abhorrent philosophy. I hope nobody takes this seriously.

[SammyD]

Hear what you are saying. The twenty somethings seem very self-centered and focised on material aspirations. No fault of their own as the boomer parents raised them this way. Would be nice to have included something about contibuting to society as a whole in the article. I think this article could have been written in the 70's. Nothing new for women.

[marinva]

i couldn't disagree more:

i'm 26 and although "selfish" in the sense that i'm unmarried and childless, but i am looking to be "rich in experience" in my twenties; am currently a history teacher and am applying to the peace corps next year. i'm not looking for material possessions and neither is much of my cohort. we're trying to gain psychological and spiritual enrichment at this point in our lives. it's not the traditional college, job, marriage, kids sequence, but who's to say it's any less worthy or dignified?

[marinva]

wow you're closed-minded

[r bee]

Kind of hard to do that whole "settle down" thing when your boyfriend has ice-cold feet!

[enoch2012]

Now is the time to get involved. Join a local civic club such as the Lions club, Rotary, Exchange, etc... Volunteer in your community to reach out to those in need. Unselfish acts of compassion are much more fulfilling than selfish acts. You feel better when you help someone. Also, attend your local city council meeting and meet the people in your community who make decisions. You never know, they might ask you to start making decisions as well!

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Gandhi
"We are the ones we've been waiting for" - Hopi Native American proverb

[ChristopherAtom]

And for those of you who realize that Gandhi was assassinated and the Hopi tribes wiped out by the the new Americans, I suggest looking even deeper than joining your local Rotary Club.

[SteelTrapMind]

Is a return to the selfishness of the 1980s 'Me Generation' really the best thing? To advocate shirking responsibilities, expecting others to catch you when you fall out of your 'beautiful cocoon' as a hungry moth, not a beautiful butterfly, eager to eat up clothes and possessions?

You're not saying 'do what makes you happy and the money will come', you're saying 'go spend money, jump at every whim, and hopefully you'll find happiness in there'. What malarkey.

I can't tell if this is subversive shilling for G.W. Bush's 'spend our way out of debt' meme, resurrected for the Obama era, or just plain old selfishness; the assumptions still being others will pick up after you when you fall to pieces being greedy.

[whateverlolawants]

Huh? When did the author recommend shirking your responsibilities? I don't think she is saying you should quit your job without another one lined up in this economy, or that possessions or capricious whims are the way to happiness. Remember that line about not looking to ADD to your life, but to subtract the negatives?

Furthermore, the author said we SHOULDN'T expect others to get us out of a cacoon, for it does us no good. Did you actually read the article?