The Rite Of Passage For Today's Twenty-Something Woman

My intention in this post is to begin a discussion around the issues, challenges, and changes that women face as they journey through their twenties and into their thirties. This is a crucial time in our lives as we are faced with forever-feeling decisions and the expectation to map out the entire course of our life.

For the past six years I have worked as a life coach and spiritual counselor to primarily women in their twenties and early thirties. What motivated this work was facing my own unexpected struggles and challenges along my twentysomething journey -- a broken engagement, leaving a successful career, debt, confusion about my life purpose, depression, and health issues. As I navigated my way through and to the other side of my "learning opportunities" I was inspired to help others do the same and unexpectedly found my career and mission along the way.

Now at 32 and rounding the corner of what has been a period of intense personal discovery and transformation, I know that what I experienced and what I see other young women experiencing is far deeper than a quarter-life crisis and more profound than an astrological phenomenon (often referred to as Saturn Return). I compare this process of transformation to the natural journey a caterpillar takes before becoming a butterfly called Chrysalis. I'm so passionate about this stage in a woman's life and the significant changes it brings forth, that I've designed an entire transformational workshop around it and have watched women step out of the box of who they think they are and leap into the infinite possibility of who they truly are.

So what is the Chrysalis process for a woman? It begins the moment she becomes aware of a call to transform and reassess everything in her life. For some women their wake up call is a muted whisper, for others it is a loud shout. It can come in the form of an inner knowing that she has forgotten who she really is (or never really knew to begin with). Or can be heard after something happens in her life such as a broken relationship, a loss of a job or dream, or an unexpected struggle that wakes her up to the fact that the life she had planned is not the life she is living.

Each time she hits the snooze button, the inner alarm gets louder and louder. A woman begins to feel a sense of anxiety, sadness, doubt or confusion. She may start to feel alone, separate, and insecure. Some women know exactly where to point the finger as the source of their angst. Others feel the unsettling sense that nothing is terribly wrong in their life, but nothing feels incredibly right either. The natural tendency is to look for some kind of "quick fix" most commonly in the form of another role to step into like a job or relationship.

For centuries, as a woman has matured, she has been encouraged to step into a defined role: wife, mother, homemaker, caregiver and, thanks to the Feminist movement, uber successful career woman and master of "having it all." But today's young women are beginning to feel the emptiness of living a checklist life. They are achieving the career success and registering at Crate and Barrel for their big day, while running to their gynecologists for prescriptions of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills (I was one of them).

And those who don't have all the boxes on their life checklist checked off, put tremendous pressure on themselves to do so and live in a constant state of "when/then" future focused thinking. When I find the soulmate of my dreams, then I'll be happy. When I find my passion and my career takes off, then I'll be fulfilled. When I have money, then I will feel secure. When I loose ten pounds, then I'll be confident. This hamster wheel type of thinking keeps us in a constant state of believing there is something wrong with where we are now and keeps us focused on the destination, rather than the journey.

The funny thing is, once we reach one destination, along comes another one, and another one, and another one, and we're in a constant state of external searching for things that can only truly be found inside. Looking outside of ourselves for happiness and fulfillment is an old paradigm. Today's young women are feeling the call and drumming up the courage to look within during this tender and formative time of life. This rite of passage is about inner transformation and it is not always an easy perception and perspective to change.

Today's young women are shaping the future. We are the mothers, bosses, wives, partners, and leaders of tomorrow. It's time to step off the hamster wheel and into the cocoon of transformation. Now is our time to build our inner foundation so that we can step more fully into leadership, inspiration, compassion, strength, and be the change we want to see in the world.

So are you feeling the call for transformation now? Or have you already felt it and just don't quite know how to respond? I welcome your comments, sharing of experience, and questions below. Next week I will be continuing this conversation by presenting the question: Do you want to crawl through life, or do you want to spread your wings and FLY? My sense is most of you want to fly...and the opportunity to take that leap is closer than you think.

Comments

[CocoViertel]

I could write a short story on my current perdicament. I feel myself pulled in so many directions and then my inner conciousness tugging back. This isn't a happy feeling. At 25 I left my job, family, debt, friends and ongoing pursuit of my degree to move to a foreign country. Now, after being almost a year abroad, I find myself at a bigger crossroads then I think any 25 year old woman should have to face. I have the possibility to stay in a city that I LOVE and pursue opportunities that I never would have had before but I also have obligations at home; college debt. And for the love, I want to finish my degree. But I just keep thinking... if I take advantage of the opportunities that are being presented to me now then maybe that will help to make things better when and if I go home. Then comes guilt, for being away from friends and family (whom I miss)... soon followed by the duty to take care of myself personally. I naively thought my twenties were supposed to be quasi-glamorous now I just find myself mostly fatalistic and isolated. And I find myself strangely repeating mini-phases of depression, acceptence, relaxation, ambitiousness, stress, self-pity, guilt, repeat. Here now, is my desperate cry for help..... 'HEELLPP! I'm tired of planning my life, I just want to live it!'

[Truelee]

You sound like a bright person with an ability to attract opportunities, even when you are not looking for it. It also sounds like you already know what you need to do but just don't have the courage to take the first step. Sometimes focusing on one thing creates an alignment for all other things as well.

[KIMBER]

"I just find myself mostly fatalistic and isolated. And I find myself strangely repeating mini-phases of depression, acceptence, relaxation, ambitiousness, stress, self-pity, guilt, repeat. Here now, is my desperate cry for help..... 'HEELLPP! I'm tired of planning my life, I just want to live it!'"

Yeah, that all sounds about right. Feels like your swirling around with too many choices and every one involves losing something big. Sounds like you're on track believe it or not. Just take care of yourself & you'll get to where you need to be. I'm sorry, but this answer will probably cause you to burst into a screaming tearful rage about how nobody in the world understands the lonely desperate place you're in.
They do, believe me. Your particular set of circumstances is personal to you, but the place you are in your life is universal (well, at least in our culture at this time in history) and most of the women who are older than you know exactly how desperate you feel. They also know that these things have a way of eventually weaving together in a way that feels right. Perhaps older generations of women did not experience this - they just got to feel the hopelessness of a life predetermined for them by somebody else. What you are experiencing now is infinite choice which causes us to freeze up & freak out.

[Chalire Pea]

Spoiled children soon to fall
Freedom is the lie we live
We will wait for tragedy
And scatter helpless to the fire
Sorry for ourselves
Sorry for the things we've seen
No one cries for help
Waiting for the fire
When all our toys are burning
All these empty urges must be satisfied
Acted outside
Precious strength to turn the game to history
Giving up, I'm blown away
He said all I had to say
The final days have come and gone
Safe inside; there’s nothing wrong
Nothing in these words
Sorry force of habit
Could it be way over my head?
Helpless to describe it
Could it be way over my head?
Helpless to describe it
Could it be way over my head?
Helpless to describe it
Dumb & cruel
Cut before it's grown
Lies so forced in bored control
It learned all that it cares to know

[singermuse]

Bless you for your article!
I wish you'd been around when I was in my 20's/30's!
The soon we find out that:
We don't need a man/woman/child/dog/cat/fill in the blank....to be complete
We don't need to be a particular: color, size, social class, IQ, ...to be acceptable
We don't need: cars, clothes, SHOES, ....to look perfect just as we are
We don't need: TV, corporations, governments, religious bigots, or anyone else:
to tell us what we should or should not do, can or cannot do with our minds, our lives, our bodies.
We will always be ok just as we are if we refuse to believe the lies "they" tell us

[brandnewstuff]

I enjoyed reading others post
Cosmic_ Zantor-- I agree with the photos-mega-hollywood

[Abigail Whitney]

I 'woke up' at 35. Took 10 years and lots of therapy, and a wonderful therapist to get me to where I am now, 45 and happy! It is a truism that we all take different amounts of time to get to that (awake and aware) point, and although I wish mine had come sooner, I'm happy I got there. I owe a lot to the birth of my son to help me wake up and see my life for what it WAS rather than for what I wanted it to be.

[Truelee]

My parents have said that young adults should have something bigger than themselves to focus their attention on. Their solution was for me to get married because children will take my attention off myself. It's not what keeps me focused but I have seen how it creates structure and focus for others.

[KIMBER]

I certainly hope that's working out for you. Had somebody else besides me arrived at a solution for me that involved me having kids, it would have not worked out well at all for anybody involved.

[LaurieAnn]

Same thing happened to me at 40. I'm still in therapy 8 years later and my relationships with my son and husband are better than they've ever been. We can't postpone the meeting with ourselves but it often takes some form of wake-up call to push us into action. All the best to you on your journey.

[KIMBER]

I'm 49, in that other female transformation - the one that gets all the bad press.
Menopause is NOTHING compared to the heart-rending shift in the late 20's/early 30's; that relentless drive to accomplish something, without knowing what. I sobbed uncontrollably & was constantly shredded and scalded by the compulsion avoid being an irrelevant failure.
Experience taught me this - do NOT medicate your angst, but get psychotherapy - therapists work on a sliding scale - if the poverty stricken mess I was then could manage, you can too. It get's dark in there, but persevere, have patience and trust that it will end. Eat a healthy diet.
Having kids won't fix it; think seriously if you want to have them - I found I didn't. Ask yourself why? Because you love kids & desperately want them? Or some other reason? When I realized none of my reasons involved really loving kids and desperately wanting to be a mother, I crossed that off the list.
Around age 40 (which is sooner than you think) your path comes into focus, and may not be anything you previously considered. Suddenly it's doable - you've had everything you needed (except the clarity) all along. The goals set by an incomplete version of yourself don't pertain to the person you have become, and the person you have become has more capability & clarity. This is true, girls things really do get better. And finding true love? Wait until you're 40 and you've gained 20

[kapalabhati]

Glad to hear, since I'm not far behind you! Glad to hear that the one that gets all the bad press (very funny!) ain't so bad.

[KIMBER]

Of course life is constant transformation, but there are some major landmarks. I pretty much feel that just about everything until age 35 sucked (there were great times, but that "best years of your life" stuff overall is for the birds). I wouldn't trade my late 40's for going back to my adolescence or my 20's for anything (unless by magic I could bring everything I know now with me). If you make choices in your 20's that stick with you, such as marrying & breeding with some fool you shouldn't have, the story may be different, but fortunately I managed to avoid that (though avoiding a landmine broke my heart at the time).

[desertdweller]

As a man, it appears to me that many twenty-something women squander that magical decade shopping around for Mr. Goodbar while overlooking the qualities of many fine (but perhaps less pretty) men right in front of them. I guess the same can be said for men in this age group as well. Making connections in life should not be a competitive pursuit. Before you know it, you are looking at the best years of your life in the rear-view mirror.

[HowietheScreamer]

I agree. My wife and I have a good friend who is constantly looking for Mr. "it", but in all the wrong places. She's incredibly intelligent, accomplished, very easy on the eyes, but she keeps looking at the wrong kind of guys. She keeps shopping for the "perfect specimen" but not finding it. Of course she's looking for Mr. Right, i.e. Mr. Bodybuilder, in the gyms and such. The problem is that most of the guys there are way too into themselves to be into a great catch like her. Also because of her professional status, and advanced degrees it intimidates guys like that. Our advice to her was "just quit looking and be right by yourself" as that's usually when you actually find Mr/Ms Right.

[Chalire Pea]

thanks to all the lovely comments.. i feel so embarrassed for leaving such a self - absorbed ridiulous interpretation of this situation- shows how much i know---mucho gracious for the wonderful wisdom-- this makes me happy!

[Kay Goldstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Well written insights into a critical life passage. Looking forward to reading more about a subject close to my heart. Perhaps your readers would also enjoy The Transformational Twenties posted in January. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kay-goldstein/the-transformational-twen_b_155953.html

[ZellaBee]

I'm well beyond my twenties, and have realized over the years, We are all the chrysalis and butterfly over and over again, in this life. It is a wonderful metaphor and one I think of often. To expect a total transformation and that "everything will be smoother and all worked out by 35-40" is unrealistic. It never really is one event and each of us just becomes a more beautiful, more expanded and stronger butterfly with each experience and lesson. Some lessons are very painful as we age and we become less resilient, yet even that brings about a whole new way of coping.

[Truelee]

Every 20 something should read about adolescent brain development. Biologically you don't grow out of the adolescent stage until between age 25 and 29. In other words, many of these young adults are still teenagers. I've coached and mentored young adults in their 20's and 30's for a long time and I tell them they are still in the adolescent stage and one of the best thing they can do for themselves is to keep busy, stay out of trouble, and ride this stage out. Many report a clarity in their lives when they are out of this stage.

[noaxe397]

I think the reason these young adults are still teenagers has less to do with chemistry and more to do with their "helicopter" parents not letting them face life's realities head on. When I was 18 my greatest concern was not being drafted and sent to Vietnam. Two days after my 18th birthday I was registering in person for selective service, and praying and strategizing. How can an 18y.o. today relate to a problem/concern like that? We need to stop worrying that the opposite of enabling is alienation. That if we don't smooth every bump in the road our children will become crack whores and pimps. Today a 25 year old is much less prepared for the realities of life than an 18 year old was a generation or two ago, and it is the parents fault.

To any 17y.o. who asks "What are you getting me for my 18th birthday/"

The answer should be "Luggage"

[markysgirl5]

No doubt your 20s are a tumultuous time regardless if you are male or female. It has always been thus and thus it shall always be. At 48 I am certain that I would not want to re-live my 20s, however, having lived through them, I have become the person I am now. I don't know how you can amass the wisdom that comes with age without going through the trials and tribulations of being young. As far as I'm concerned that's how you learn to recognize trouble coming (both situations and people) and take the necessary steps to avoid it. Most importantly, you learn to dig yourself out of a mess of your own creation. I think the repetition of experiencing trouble or even failure and then overcoming it is how real mature confidence is built. That's why we older women really don't give a rat's butt about what people think of us. It's very free-ing but it doesn't come free. There's got to be some advantage to getting older!

[topkatnc]

Loved your post....so true...

[amyolene]

Thank you for this piece. While reading it, I thought to myself, "how does she know all this about me?!?" Your line "while running to their gynecologists for prescriptions of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills" has been exactly my experience.

I am 28 now. I am quitting my "safe" (the one with regular hours, paycheck, health benefits, etc) career to start my own business.

People have commented about "all life is a transformation process", which I do not disagree with. However, I wonder if there is something unique about the 20's process. This is our first shot at adulthood. Our first time dealing with all the "grown-up" stuff.

Thank you again, and I look forward to the journey.

[aep452]

Thank you so much for your post. Starting my own business has been on my mind for years, but I lack the courage to leave my secure job. It's hard for me to take risks, especially when money is involved. What made you decide to just do it?

[okchamali]

Yes, we go through stages of life during which we make mistakes, enjoy accomplishments, become more aware, and throughout continue to grow. We never reach a time when we have everything figured out. We can be assured that more will be revealed. Life was more confusing and painful when I was in my 20s and 30s because of my lack of experience and self-absorption. As I grew older setbacks and disappointments took on different qualities. They were more obviously lessons for life, opportunities to become accepting and strategic, opportunities to develop humility. Referencing the comment that things are better now because women can own property, I would argue that property ownership teaches us nothing about life. It teaches us how to be capitalists, how to feed the acquisitive impulses that inhabit us. The answers are not outside of us. . . jobs, education, boyfriends, husbands, lovers, condos, or even children. The answers are within which can only be tapped with a reflective mind and willingness to be honest with ourselves. Being human is challenging at any time of life, in any social, political, and economic context. Yes, some more than others. But there are well-adjusted happy people everywhere, just as there are unsettled, self-centered, resentment-filled people everywhere. We choose which kind of person we want to be. It's a decision. And we are presented with opportunities to develop skills and enter into relationships that will help make it happen. We recognize and act on those opportunities or not.

[drzoon]

what?

what did she say?

[hartkid]

I thought it was going to be something about a three way.

[aep452]

I am trying to sift through the bullsh*t in life and be true to myself and to be content without compromising the things that are most important to me. Is this even possible? I don't know.

[Christine Hassler - Huffpost Blogger]

It's absolutely possible! Be clear about what IS most important to you in life and focus your energy, thoughts and actions to maintaining, enhancing, and creating those things. As you do, there will be no room for whatever you think of as the bullsh*t - And when the sh*t does hit the fan in our lives, it's during those "learning opportunities" that we can be even more committed to what REALLY matters like love, growth, healing, learning, joy, peace, service and relationships. Even the day-to-day things that we all do that some may put in the category of bullsh*t can become more enjoyable if you learn how to be content with WHAT IS.

[Truelee]

It is possible but it will take hard work to move forward and achieve your desired state. Getting there takes time and it is different for everyone and it's most important to have a guide. I hope you have some good guides whether it is a therapist or wizened friends and family.