The Rite Of Passage For Today's Twenty-Something Woman

My intention in this post is to begin a discussion around the issues, challenges, and changes that women face as they journey through their twenties and into their thirties. This is a crucial time in our lives as we are faced with forever-feeling decisions and the expectation to map out the entire course of our life.

For the past six years I have worked as a life coach and spiritual counselor to primarily women in their twenties and early thirties. What motivated this work was facing my own unexpected struggles and challenges along my twentysomething journey -- a broken engagement, leaving a successful career, debt, confusion about my life purpose, depression, and health issues. As I navigated my way through and to the other side of my "learning opportunities" I was inspired to help others do the same and unexpectedly found my career and mission along the way.

Now at 32 and rounding the corner of what has been a period of intense personal discovery and transformation, I know that what I experienced and what I see other young women experiencing is far deeper than a quarter-life crisis and more profound than an astrological phenomenon (often referred to as Saturn Return). I compare this process of transformation to the natural journey a caterpillar takes before becoming a butterfly called Chrysalis. I'm so passionate about this stage in a woman's life and the significant changes it brings forth, that I've designed an entire transformational workshop around it and have watched women step out of the box of who they think they are and leap into the infinite possibility of who they truly are.

So what is the Chrysalis process for a woman? It begins the moment she becomes aware of a call to transform and reassess everything in her life. For some women their wake up call is a muted whisper, for others it is a loud shout. It can come in the form of an inner knowing that she has forgotten who she really is (or never really knew to begin with). Or can be heard after something happens in her life such as a broken relationship, a loss of a job or dream, or an unexpected struggle that wakes her up to the fact that the life she had planned is not the life she is living.

Each time she hits the snooze button, the inner alarm gets louder and louder. A woman begins to feel a sense of anxiety, sadness, doubt or confusion. She may start to feel alone, separate, and insecure. Some women know exactly where to point the finger as the source of their angst. Others feel the unsettling sense that nothing is terribly wrong in their life, but nothing feels incredibly right either. The natural tendency is to look for some kind of "quick fix" most commonly in the form of another role to step into like a job or relationship.

For centuries, as a woman has matured, she has been encouraged to step into a defined role: wife, mother, homemaker, caregiver and, thanks to the Feminist movement, uber successful career woman and master of "having it all." But today's young women are beginning to feel the emptiness of living a checklist life. They are achieving the career success and registering at Crate and Barrel for their big day, while running to their gynecologists for prescriptions of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills (I was one of them).

And those who don't have all the boxes on their life checklist checked off, put tremendous pressure on themselves to do so and live in a constant state of "when/then" future focused thinking. When I find the soulmate of my dreams, then I'll be happy. When I find my passion and my career takes off, then I'll be fulfilled. When I have money, then I will feel secure. When I loose ten pounds, then I'll be confident. This hamster wheel type of thinking keeps us in a constant state of believing there is something wrong with where we are now and keeps us focused on the destination, rather than the journey.

The funny thing is, once we reach one destination, along comes another one, and another one, and another one, and we're in a constant state of external searching for things that can only truly be found inside. Looking outside of ourselves for happiness and fulfillment is an old paradigm. Today's young women are feeling the call and drumming up the courage to look within during this tender and formative time of life. This rite of passage is about inner transformation and it is not always an easy perception and perspective to change.

Today's young women are shaping the future. We are the mothers, bosses, wives, partners, and leaders of tomorrow. It's time to step off the hamster wheel and into the cocoon of transformation. Now is our time to build our inner foundation so that we can step more fully into leadership, inspiration, compassion, strength, and be the change we want to see in the world.

So are you feeling the call for transformation now? Or have you already felt it and just don't quite know how to respond? I welcome your comments, sharing of experience, and questions below. Next week I will be continuing this conversation by presenting the question: Do you want to crawl through life, or do you want to spread your wings and FLY? My sense is most of you want to fly...and the opportunity to take that leap is closer than you think.

Comments

[aep452]

It seems like there is no balance. You have to make a choice. I feel like I am defined by my success or shall I say I THINK I am defined by my success. I want to be happy and fulfilled and have a successful career and have a family. I feel like I want want want all of the time and that I should just be grateful for what I have, but there is a voice inside me saying "That's not enough - you can push harder and be more". You reach one goal, on to the next. It's the constant feeling of "How can I get better, how can I improve myself" and it resonates across the board with my professional life and personal life. I lost five pounds, lose 5 more. I got a raise 6 months ago, how hard can I work to see I get another one? I think back to who I was when I graduated from college, my core being. I think I was a positive, happy, relaxed, confident person. I think. It's hard sometimes to drum up that memory. I know that there are changes in life and people evolve, but I am trying to find my footing in life. I am trying to find my purpose because I truly feel like I have one and that I'm not here to just take up space.

[Christine Hassler - Huffpost Blogger]

From my perspective, our purpose in life is to actually enjoy it - and we can only do that if we are present. If you are constantly thinking of ways your life could be "more, better or different" than you are never in the present moment which is where your purpose can be found! Life purpose is not something that is about what we do in terms of a vocation. It's more about how we live our life - and just by the mere fact that you are here walking on this planet gives you a purpose. You are not here to take up space - drop that story.

[aep452]

...I see friends my age settling down and having kids. One gives up her career to be a stay at home mom. She is always complaining that she has no adult interaction and never does any thing for herself and she's always broke and struggling. I have another friend with infant twins. She works full time and has a nanny but is is constantly stressing over some one else being the primary caregiver to her children, but she worked so hard to get the position she has at her company and her salary and insurance provides for her family. I see these strong, intelligent women all around me my age and it seems like you can't have it all.

[ccwpmarcus]

I am a happy person. I am a twenty something male. Does that give me the proper qualification to advise everyone on happiness? Everyone, probably not, but someone, maybe.

". . . it seems like you can't have it all."

Entitlement is the name of the game. My personal philosophy has less to do with "All" and more to do with "Enough ." Money is a good example. What you need to make in order to have the right circumstances for happiness is most likely a lot less than you think it is. Why is it so hard to be that hot shot CEO and the foundation of your family's homestead? Because both are more than a full time job. There is only so much time in the day.

The past is gone, and the future is not here yet. Think about what you want, and work in the now to get it. If, when it gets here you're not satisfied, reevaluate your wants, take what you've learned - about yourself and about the world and move in a new direction. Change is not the end of the world, it is often the beginning. Don't ever think of time gone by as wasted, simply recognized that you spent it.

[aep452]

You have no idea how loud this article has spoken to me. I come from 2 parents that were very supportive and always pushed me to get everything out of life that I could. I'm 26 with a successful job that more than pays the bills and I have a very secure and bright future with this company, but it is the most uninteresting, unfulfilling job I have ever experienced and the working environment is so toxic. For the first time in my life, I am on anti-anxiety medication. I accepted the job because that was what I thought I was supposed to do. You graduate from college, you get a job, work hard, reap the rewards. No where in my young adult life and even after college did I factor in finding my "calling" or "staying true to myself". I thought it would just naturally become apparent to me. I try to think about what makes me happy and what I really want to do with my life, what I'm passionate about, and my heart and brain are so muddled with things like bills, risk, starting over, failure, etc that I can't get a clear grasp on what direction my life should really go in. I have a boyfriend who is kind and treats me well. I have a healthy lifestyle. But I feel absolutely lost.

[LaurieAnn]

I'm now 48 but my experience of my 20's sounds quite a bit like yours. I turned my back on the opportunity to go on to graduate school to pursue the career I really wanted, librarian, to stay with the boring, stressful but more "secure" career, banking. Yes, I regret that I didn't suck it up and stay poor for a few more years and pursue a career that would have had more meaning for me, but that's water under the bridge now. If I have any wisdom to pass on to you I would say to listen to the symptoms of your discontent. I can tell that you are doing that. They are telling you that sometime you will have to make a change. Maybe not now, but sometime.  I would humbly suggest that you find a good therapist to discuss these issues with. A good therapist will help you find more clarity amid the confusion.

Please be cautious about making major life changes that involve others at this this time, such as marrying or having children. In my pre-conscious errors I thought that getting married and having a baby would solve some problems for me. That just postponed the meeting with myself that had to come.

[aep452]

I absolutely agree with you about making major life changes involving other people. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage in the past but I made the statement just Saturday that I can't think of getting married right now as there are other issues at hand that I need to focus on before I can take such a huge step. I can feel them rising to the surface. I was in therapy in college and it did help. I guess I have always associated therapy with depression. Thank you for your advice.

[Cosmic-Zantor]

Why do these articles in the Living section always have random stock photos or stillshots from movies/television shows? No other section is like this!

[Saidas]

So life isn't working out the way we wanted, eh? Well, welcome to the world!

How is this any different than for what a man goes through? Different circumstances and issues perhaps but struggle and disappointment is the same for either gender.

At the risk of sounding sexist, my experience has been that a lot of women are never satisfied no matter how much they have and on some level think they need or even enjoy the drama.

[Cosmic-Zantor]

And that's different from guys how?

[byla]

Most of the women I know don't enjoy the drama, and those few that do, have bigger issues.

[aep452]

I agree byla, most women don't enjoy drama. The ones that I personally know that do enjoy drama have deeper problems.

[aep452]

You bring up a good point about women never being satisified. My 26 year old friends and I were discussing it while talking about our relationships with men. And I proposed the question: "Why are all the men I date satisfied with our relationship, but I always find something lacking?" No one in the conversation knew, but several agreed. What is it about me and these women that agreed with me that are always wanting something more? And to touch on how this is any different than what a man goes through, I don't know. I'm not a man. And the male friends I do have have never verbalized to me that they are going through the same thing. If you have gone through this, please advise as to what you did to get through it. I'm not talking about life not working out. I'm talking about realizing what life working out for me actually means. I'm talking about finding my purpose and calling. I'm talking about balance.

[stickygirl333]

Everything I needed to know about my twenties I learned from a book called The Girl's Guide to Absolutely Everything by Melissa Kirsch: http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Guide-Absolutely-Everything/dp/0761135790/ref=pd_sim_b_1

Seriously -- if I didn't have this book I would have probably curled up into a ball and died. Melissa is also a blogger for Huffpo. Her book is so down-to-earth and brilliant and full of useful, real world stuff you need to know about in your twenties, like how to break up with a friend, one that I totally needed when I was 25. Seriously THE BIBLE of living through your twenties.

[Melissa Kirsch - Huffpost Blogger]

Hey, StickyGirl, I'm so glad you liked my book. And thanks Christine for a compelling post.
The late 20s are indeed a time of huge transition and the best resource we have is other people our age, people who have been where we are or are going through what we are and can offer advice, insight, perspective. There aren't a ton of really good resources out there for young women that aren't kind of "you go girl" faux-urban rallying cries with photos of pink cocktails on the cover, or weird rules and anti-rules that profess to tell you how to live but really just make you cringe at how out of touch supposed "experts" are.

I wanted to second an earlier post about I book I really love that goes into detail on what's touched on in this post. "Surviving Saturn's Return" by Stefanie Iris Weiss & Sherene Schostak is the best book I've read on the phenomenon of the Saturn Return, a very real occurrence, whether you believe in astrology or not. I tend to be a skeptic when it comes to anything that's not grounded in cold hard facts, but I found this book to be right on the money. It discusses the scientific reasons why the late 20s can be so trying and offers remedies for getting through. I'm no longer in my late 20s (alas) but I still consult the book--worth checking out.

Melissa Kirsch

[fulanita]

Sounds like a great book! Definitely buying :)

[digital]

I don't understand the point of this article except to point out the fact that we all are constantly changing in our lives - which seems kind of obvoius.

Life is especially challenging in this time of war, recession and economic uncertainty.

I would just advise to keep being positive if you want to "build your inner foundation" as you say.

I did like the picture of Scarlett Johannsen (which will probably get a lot of men to read it) so congratulations on figuring out what picture to lure us guys over to your article :)

[Trilby]

Sorry, I'm confused. Can someone please tell me what this article is about?

Every stage of life is a time of transformation if you think about where you are and where you need to go. When you're older than 32, you can see this.

[Catherine VanDerMaas]

you are quite obviously not a woman in her twenties. If you were younger than 32 you would realize how much has changed; thus creating the necessity for this article.

The answer to your question is in the original post, but if you cannot find it, try reading some of the comments below. This is a very sensitive issue and should be treated as one.

[Truelee]

The world may be in a different political, social and financial state but the human condition has always remained the same. Your life today is not harder but much easier. For example, women can own property today (a huge gain because it give women power), women don't have to get their own water and cook outside anymore (increasing the amount of time for women to do other things), and the examples go on and on.

I mentor and coach people in their 20's and 30's too for nearly 15 years now. The problems are all the same. The only difference is how sophisticated their life skills are so they can honestly change they way they think and see the world in order for change to occur. Young adults today seem to think there is a loophole somewhere to finding happiness and success when there isn't. It's still age old traditions of getting up everyday and working hard towards your purpose in life (finding purpose takes exploration which older cultures encourage for their young adults unlike modern societies).

[byla]

So you think your 20's are any less confusing and difficult than ours were? And guess what, we didn't have these "feel good" types of articles to guide us. We figured it out for ourselves.

Tribly is right. Everyone, not just women, go through life changes. It's a constant re-evaluation. Attitudes change, priorities change, circumstances change, our bodies change. Everything changes.

In about 5-6 more years, this author will hit another cycle of re-evaluation and then she'll hit another one after that and so on and so on and so on. Anyone who doesn't, didn't learn anything or care to learn anything from their own life and experiences.

Life is a journey, not a destination. Sometimes the trip will be choppy and filled with turbulence and sometimes it will be smooth sailing on calm seas. That's how we grow as humans (hopefully)

[okchamali]

Thank you for the column. My 21-year-old daughter has run headlong into the search for what's next. She finally found the wonderful boyfriend she has longed for since age 17 or so. She's never looked so tired. I know it's not him. Rather, the quest she's on will not stop with a boyfriend, whether she recognizes this or not. I watch her with love. Since birth she has possessed physical beauty and a very old soul. I mourned the passing of her androgynous self that allowed her to be the most fierce and fearless monkey bars climber. On weekends we would go to the school playground so she could show me her moves. It was terrifying for me, but I put on my best mom smile and clapped at every crazy move she made. So unselfconscious and consequently graceful. Now I watch her with the same love, smiling and assuring her that it's all supposed to be this way. More freedom than she's every known. Fear to get off the traditional path. Fear to follow the traditional path. This big unknowing. I know in some was she's in one of the most exciting parts of her life. I hug and kiss her a lot. The column and the posts will help me understand what I have largely forgotten about that time in my life and see her with more clarity.

[afp120]

It is nice to read that i'm not the only one freefalling through my 20s. I'm 24, a college grad, have a full time job and am fully self-suffi­cient...bu­t I have no passion. i don't know what i want to do with my life and do NOT want to settle. I am lonlier than I ever thought possible and don't know how to get out of this rut. Please continue this topic!

[copelia]

This article gave me one of those "ah-hah" moments when I realized that another person has put into word exctly the feelings that I've yet been unable to explain. This lesson could easily be conceived as yet another yuppy-sickness, or people who are otherwise quite fortunate finding reasons to be miserable. However, this stage of life has unfolded for me exactly as the author described it. I am 22, graduated college cum-laude, and landed what I thought was the job of my dreams. I have a boyfriend who is intelligent, funny and loving, my family is 100% there to support me, and I enjoy time with many friends who I truly love. Still, acheiving all of this only made me realize that up until this point, I only ever focused on what I didn't want. I didn't want to get stuck in the suburbia of my childhood. I didn't want to sacrifice a career to raise a family. I didn't want to let anyone make me forget who I was. The trouble is that I never defined who I am or what I want outside of that aggressive need to be successful and independednt. Now I'm realizing that I need to put down the weapons and figure out just who I am and what I want before I can continue defending that so fiercely. Thank you for drawing attention to this issue. Knowing that others went through this does make me feel a bit more sane.

[antares71]

There is an amazing, life-changing book about the Saturn Return called "Surviving Saturn's Return: Overcoming the Most Tumultuous Time of Your Life" by two astrologers known as the Saturn Sisters. They have a really informative website: http://www.saturnreturn.net

The best part (besides the book) is that their charts have really detailed information according to your own chart -- they show you exactly how your own Saturn Return is going to affect you -- it's different for everyone depending on where Saturn is in your chart. A lot of women going through their Saturn Return right now have Saturn in Virgo, which is connected to health, anxiety, the digestive system, control issues, perfection, weight issues, needing to be alone vs. needing to be in a relationship, etc. But if you go to their website and find out where Saturn is in your chart you can get even more detail. Really transformational stuff.

[lindzsmile]

Thank you for this. My boyfriend and I recently broke up as well. We weren't close to marriage or anything, but I tend to wrap myself almost entirely in my closest relationship. I'm trying to figure out how to break this cycle because I want the control in my life, and I want my happiness to be dependent on me.

I just graduated college, and I'm feeling this call to become the amazing person I know I can be. Sometimes I feel lonely. Sometimes I feel sad. But I'm trying to work beyond these negative impulses.

[Chalire Pea]

its good to hear this. I think these feelings are shared by many women, and stand as a hidden taboo in america. i cant even count how many girls i know my age that are on meds/ and many of them hide it. its great to hear the passion and hope - i have definitely felt this sense of decay since i got acne, and became a loner;nothing will compare with childhood and that innocence and spontenuity i fear i will never find again. every woman wants to be beautiful, successful, popular, desired,in­telligent- this is intense pressure in my pov, and it doesnt help when u are intelligent to realize it will never happen to you. I cant even describe what ive been feeling over the years, i unfor. have the checklist sickness as well - and attempt to give up and not care..Bein­g 20, and still in the nest i have a lot to look forward to, but have never been in a more dark and anxsy state in my whole life.this quarter life crisis could very well be a huge issue among young women- you should totally write a book on how you reached this point in your life- i would tottlyy buy it! honestly i dont kno if i will ever get there living in america--final to do- migrate to costa rica...

[xtina8o4]

It's funny to read this today, my boyfriend broke up with me a week ago because he can't move away with me. I'm 23 and I'm leaving to enter a PhD program nearly halfway across the country. We were together for 3 years and he was supposed to come with me; I am crushed. I do, however, have some moments of clairty and logic where I can see how this will be an important opportunity and learning experience for me, but it's hard to focus on that. Your article helped and it made me see that things like this happen to everyone. Although we weren't engaged, I genuinely believed it was close... I imagine it would have been harder than this, but this is still pretty terrible. The point is, this was one of the most helpful things I've read/heard in the last week, thank you.