When Your Personal Life Gets In The Way Of Work

Dear Christine,
"I can't seem to concentrate at work. I'm going through a break-up, fighting with my roommate, and at odds with my parents. I feel totally overwhelmed, like one of those cartoon characters when steam starts coming out of its ears. I need some space, some time, but what about work? Can I take a personal day or should I just suck it up and go on? I don't want to be seen as a slacker, especially since it seems everyone at my company pushes the fifty hour work week barrier. How do I stay professionally focused and still juggle everything I'm going through?!"
-Personally Distracted Professional, 24, San Francisco

Dear Personally Distracted Professional,

Believe me, I understand. When there is upset or chaos in our personal life it can be challenging to focus on work - or really anything at all. You are experiencing what many of us can relate to: work-life balance feeling more like a balancing act than a sustainable possibility. At the same time, maintaining your professionalism at work and performing well is critical to your career success. You can't afford to spend another day distracted and emotionally over-burdened at work.

First step: be present. When you are at work really BE at work. If your mind wanders to your personal life, bring your awareness and attention back to what you are doing or need to do in your professional life. Stop checking your personal email account, turn off your IM and your cell phone. Channel your frustrations into your work. Redirect stress in your personal life into productivity in your professional life.

That said, it is critical to make time to deal with the issues affecting your heart and your head and not to lose yourself in your work. The more you push yourself at work to avoid dealing with your feelings and/or to keep up with the office status quo, the faster your overall well-being starts to drain away. So what do you do?

Sucking it up isn't the way to go as things will just continue to suck at home and at work. Right now seems like a good time for you to put yourself first and take a day off. You are going to be far more valuable to your company if you take a day to refuel rather than going in completely distracted. Smart companies recognize the value in giving employees time to attend to personal matters. In fact, a company in Japan gives employees "heartache" leave when going through a break-up or divorce. The older you are the more days you get off as they figure it takes longer to recover from heartbreak when you're older. Will American companies catch on to this idea? It certainly may curtail bringing personal drama into the office; however, will it inspire more calling in to the boss with "I got dumped" excuses? But I digress, back to you...

Discuss taking a personal day with your boss. You do not have to give specifics for why other than, "I have some personal things to attend to that require me taking a day off." Many employees, women in particular, tend to compulsively apologize and explain. Going into the dramatics of your personal life is inappropriate to do with your boss - especially if you are on the verge of tears. Assure him/her that you will attend to anything that is urgent, and if appropriate, see if someone can cover your workload for the day. Then set your "I will be out of office today and returning emails tomorrow" email response, and for at least one whole day totally check out from work.

But don't slack off on your personal day - it's not a vacation! Use it to attend to your personal issues, not just as a day to catch up on errands and TiVo. Make an appointment with your counselor or life coach if you have one, spend time with a friend or mentor and do things that support you in dealing with your emotions so you can be more focused at work. Make the day one of closure with your ex. If you still are in communication, it's time to cut it off - completely. It's harder to heal and move on from a break-up if you are still in a relationship, and any kind of communication of any kind means you are still relating!

Going forward, schedule some "me time" into your days to help you feel more balanced. Maybe it's journaling in the morning or going to a yoga class three times a week. Build in structured time in your schedule to deal with the things in your life that do not belong in your work day.

Life is indeed a balance of dealing with the normal day in and day out "to-do's" with the curveballs that get thrown our way. As tempting as it is to dodge the curveballs, it's more empowering to deal with them head-on in a healthy way. But it is also our responsibility to attend to our personal matters outside of the office so that when we are on the clock, we can be focused and productive.

- Christine

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Comments

[JerseyBob]

08:01 AM on 03/01/2009

Ah yes work. The curse of the leisure class.

[psaltseller]

03:13 AM on 02/25/2009

For years, I heard people go on about "leave your home problems at home and your work problems at work." Never quite managed it, even when my job was so classified that I couldn't discuss any of it with people outside of the office (and not even with all of the people IN the office).

People who can keep home and work completely separate are like an original golf joke or a new leadership theory. We've all heard about them, but I don't know anyone who who has actually encountere­d one. I have known a number of people who thought they could do the trick, but nobody else in the office would agree with them.

The closest you can do is to let your workplace be where you get away from the problems of your real life. In the same way that you might go to the gym to work out profession­al stress, you can use work to alleviate personal stress. Or better yet, accept that there are some things in your life that stink, and treat them in the same way that you deal with those aspects of your job that stink.

Above all, realize that when someone tells you that they have everything under control in every aspect of their life, do NOT do business with them. They probably lie about other things, as well.

[midknightryder13]

01:14 AM on 02/25/2009

This is assuming, that you have a reasonable employer. AND are not in a critical position. When my partner left me, I tried to tough it out for awhile, realized that I wouldn't be able to do it and asked for some time off. (I had THREE WEEKS of vacation time left, but I only wanted one.) I was told it would be a MONTH before I could have time off. (Incidenta­lly, I had never made a request like this before in the many years I had worked there.)
Well, the inevitable happened and I melted down at work -- after three weeks. Two days before I was to begin my time off, I was called into my bosses' office and told my contract 'would not be renewed'. And was then told to clean out my desk and escorted from the building.
So while the theory is good, it does require that your management recognizes things happen and we are not machines. THAT cannot always be counted on.

[cktirumalai]

10:46 AM on 02/24/2009

Like eveyone else I have had ups and downs in my personal life, though not for quite a few years now. Fortunatel­y, I have nearly always been able to concentrat­e on my work (teaching)­, which acted as a buffer against those ups and downs. Other things in my life may have changed (like the climate) but not my approach to work.

[russellstigall]

07:37 PM on 02/24/2009

Dear Ms. Hassler,

You are a robot. I doubt you've ever felt anything real in all of your entire life. Your article reads like a Wal-Mart employee training video. "Leave you emotions at home". Translates "We don't pay you to feel."

For some real advice, Personally Distracted Profession­al, if your company gives you sick time or personal leave, take some. Face your problems with your roommate and mourn the loss of your relationsh­ip. Sit in a coffee shop and watch all of the people who are not killing themselves with 50-hour work weeks. Go someplace high up - top floor of skyscraper­, a mountain - where you can see the whole city and all of your problems in it. Get perspectiv­e. Then, after a couple days, go back to work and you'll be excited to be there and to catch up on what you've missed. You'll be grateful to have purpose and to take your mind off the soul searching you did on your days off.

Burying yourself in work will only repress your emotions - very unhealthy.