Who Are You?

Last week I presented the question "Are you having a quarterlife crisis" and shared a quiz to support you in answering that question. For most twenty-somethings that took the quiz, I suspect you answered "yes" to the majority of the questions. The simple fact is that a so-called "quarterlife crisis" is a natural part of growing up. In my experience and work coaching quarter-lifers, what is at the root of most quarterlife crises are the unknown answers to the questions of what I refer to as: "The Twenties Triangle: Who am I, what do I want and how do I get it?"

These three questions dominate our minds during our twenty-something years and it's incredibly frustrating not to have the answers. Hurried to experience results in the areas of career, relationships, money and other external things, most skip right to the second and third questions. But if you have not taken the time to truly investigate the question "who am I" before you make decisions about what you want or how to get it, you are likely to experience disappointment, confusion, and increased anxiety or self-doubt. The process of self-discovery and coming to understanding and acceptance is the first step out of a quarterlife crisis. You have to take the time to look within rather than constantly focusing on what you are without.

You are consistently asked HOW you are or WHAT you do, but how often are you asked or do you ask yourself, "WHO am I?" This question slaps you in the face the hardest in your twenties, when so many grown-up, real-world, this-is-your-life questions arrive at your doorstep. Feeling pressured to make decisions, you are likely to just try to become someone or something that you think will make you happy. Stepping into jobs and relationships that are not satisfying or being completely paralyzed by ambiguity are common outcomes of not really knowing who you are.

So how do you figure out who you are? Well, you start by identifying who you are not. We are not the roles we play in life or who other people want us to be. We are not our jobs, our relationships, our bodies, our accomplishments, or our bank accounts. The answer to "Who am I?" comes from inside -- it's what makes each of us a unique individual. What makes you tick? What excites you? What scares you? What makes you feel alive inside? Who are you when no one else is looking?

Discovering who you really are is like peeling back layers of an onion. The layers of your "identity onion" are likely to include who you have been told to be, who you believe you should be, and personas you've developed to handle certain situations or people -- whether to get something, appease or impress someone, or escape an uncomfortable situation.

The peeling of this identity onion is not easy because instructions for soul-searching are usually not shared around the dinner table or taught in college. Plus, becoming clear on who you are is an ongoing process, not a single event. It's like a class that never ends - but you must enroll!

To kick off your first day at self-discovery school, write the answers to the question, "who am I?" in a journal. After you do, reflect on your answers. How many of your responses are roles you play or things you do? Such as: I am a student, I am a daughter or son, I am a grad student and so on. Remember those are not things that define who you are! Dig deeper and you may discover things like compassion, courage, a sense of humor, sensitivity, loyalty, integrity, etc. Get to your core qualities that make you uniquely YOU. If you are having trouble finding them, think about someone you love and/or something you absolutely love to do and identify the qualities that come forward in you when you are around that person or doing that thing.

Spend some time on this exercise, perhaps do it over the course of the next few days and see what emerges. And release any expectations you have about doing it! The thing to remember and embrace about self-discovery is that it is both goalless and timeless; which can be frustrating for those with a do-do-do, controlling approach to life. Give yourself permission to stop beating your head up against the wall trying to figure out what you want and how to get it. Trust me, if you are patient and set the intention to connect to who you really are, the answers to your other questions will reveal themselves more easily.

 

 

Follow Christine Hassler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Christine Hassl

Comments

[Alexandre Laudet]

I am closer to the 'mid' than to the 'quarter' crisis bit I still find it useful to ask myself these questions periodically-Who am I, what do I want and how do I get it. Hopefully I change over time (for the better of course!) though I find the core surprisingly constant, as do circumstances and opportunities.

[vampbella09]

I wish I had someone asking me these questions in my twenties. I'm 34 now approaching 35 and have navigated through my "quarter-life crisis" blind. I thought there was something wrong with me. But on the other end (I'm still actively working on these questions) I find that as I tell my story to others that I'm not alone. How helpful would it have been for my mother or father to ask me these questions instead of my therapist? None of us are alone as we travail the universe and the human experience. The changes we go through are universal, yet we are crippled by our lack of communication and honesty. It is important to pass this information along, so that as we progress to the next level of growth and maturity we are not crippled by the fear that we are alone.

I'm embracing this journey with all my heart and soul. The painful and joyful. If you're in the transition between your twenties and thirties, know that this is not just representative of how many times you've traveled around the sun. This is the experience of living and being.

[HacunaMatata101]

A lot of us had a better idea of who we were prior to adolescence and all the need for social acceptance and status BS that comes with that part of life. If a 20something is lost, or not where they want to be in life, I recommend reflecting on the early years for guidance about what would be a meaningful life for them.

They might also google "saturn return" --it is a metaphor for the first 30 years of one's life drawing to a close, prompting the question "are you doing what you know in your heart and soul is the right thing for you in this life?"...if not, you can make changes. If you don't change anything, you may find yourself feeling just as empty and like you're getting nowhere in another 30 years.

Good Luck to you. We all go through this.

[mredder4]

Well, as important as the first question is, it's still a pretty good idea to focus a little on the other two. Having spent entirely too much (wasted) time on question number one, I now find myself trying to catch up on the other two. It's hard to try starting a life in your late twenties when everyone you know is nearly a decade ahead.

[Pema]

we are christ light, buddha nature, soul whatever the word to describe it. all the passions,music, fears etc are the layers. some sooth those layers, some harden them its a dance back and forth between sanity and unacknowldeged madness.. imo.
your blog helps people to see themselves. thank you for writing this :) i remember i heard once on tv, one woman asked another woman what kind of eggs she liked, the woman was stumped, she said i dont now, ill always cooked our eggs how my husband lieks them. i ased myself the same question and found i didnt know. then i looked at myhusband with a slight menacing look that said, eggs my way or the highway. it was the beggining of the end of co dependancy.
happiness,
pema (sunny side up with runny yolks)