Are Women Better Liars than Men?
For three months I lied to my husband. I snuck around behind his back and I emailed and talked on the phone with first one -- and then up to a dozen -- different men. I had more than 200 emails secreted away in a folder. When my husband would come into the room, I'd snap my computer shut, or click on a different screen quickly, so he wouldn't see what I was doing. By the end, nearly every other sentence I uttered was a lie. And even though I was so nervous and jittery, my husband didn't suspect a thing.
Are you horrified? Yeah, sorry, I was sort of lying to you.
I mean, I did all those things, but it was all part of the planning for my husband's surprise 30th birthday party in Las Vegas in February: When we walked into a Vegas nightclub, 10 of his friends jumped up and yelled, "surprise!"
Those men I was secretly emailing were his best buddies. And all those emails were to plan a weekend celebration he says was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him.
Still, to pull this off, I had to lie. I had to lie for months. I had to do it convincingly. And it's sort of scary how easy it was.
I mean, seriously: I lied. I was good at it. I stayed up at night thinking of possible scenarios, and how I'd create lies to get out of them. I accurately predicted his reactions to the lies I was weaving. There were some close calls when my lies were almost found out, but I lied my way out of them.
It was all for a worthy cause (but aren't all lies?). I was lying out of love and only temporarily (but isn't that what we say to make ourselves feel better?)
According to her new book, Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets, author Susan Shapiro Barash wouldn't be surprised that I pulled off a three-month lie: She argues that lying is a way of life for women.
A man lies as a quick fix, claims Barash, while a woman carefully guards her secrets to create opportunities, keep friends and preserve family harmony. Indeed, lies and deceptions are integral part of the public persona women show to the world. "For the majority of women, the hard work of the lie is the payoff-as long as we pretend to be good girls, cleverly covering our tracks," she writes.
With a mix of anecdotal vignettes, pop-culture references and original research from an online classified posting on Craigslist, Barash offers up deliciously compelling stories and confessions of the many lies women tell the world-and themselves.
It makes a girl wonder...
To learn more about the book, check out my review in the New York Post.
Follow Christine Whelan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/christinewhelan
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A book for those who want to understand men better and to have a better relationship with them. Improve, not just your understanding, but your relationship(s) as well with the books, From conversations with the boys/revised, by Johnnie Newkirk Jr. @ www.amazon.com or www.authorhouse.com
I'm very skeptical that lying proficiency has a gender component.
If you want to read a classic account of one woman's lies read Anais Nin's diaries 'Henry and June', 'incest', and 'Fire'. She spent years constructing an entire world based on the most cruel baldfaced lies. Lied continually to her feckless husband, to her many lovers, to her degenerate father, to herself. Her life of lies eventually turned her into the world's most unlikely feminist icon of the 60s!
The Greatest Lie?
Planes brought down 3 skyscrapers September 11, 2001.
Saddam has weapons of mass destruction.
or
You better not pout.
You better not lie
You better watch out, I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town....
Fascinating. I see the book is 32% off at Amazon.com. I added it to my cart. Thanks for the heads-up.
I wonder if, IF this is true (I do want to see the data!), if it is related to power dynamics. Subordinate individuals understand dominant individuals much more than vice versa. They have to. "Sneaky" behavior is more common among those who cannot meet their needs/wants in a direct manner. It's the behavior of the underdog. (I love Dyer's statement, "There is no such thing as a well-adjusted slave.")
The Dyer quote is very good, very pertinent. And of course it will be best for all concerned if, realizing the part they are playing, some women begin to refuse the role. Perhaps then they'll refuse the pretense and just be themselves. To be fair, there are brave women in the world who do refuse to allow fear of disapproval to compromise them, and there are plenty of weasels among the males. Look at all the chickenhawks who are for the war but won't enlist.
women can lie better for a reason than a man - who often looks guilty doing it, for no good reason.
It's more about the things women lie about versus things men lie about. A woman will lie to make someone feel better or to save them from being hurt. A man will lie to his wife about how many beers he had with the guys. A woman will lie about being in touch with her husband's friends to plan a surprise birthday party. A man will lie about which dress he prefers because (damnit!) they BOTH LOOK GOOD JUST DECIDE SO WE CAN GO. The lies suit a purpose.
I don't think the topic matters at all. Men and women often lie about the same things. Raising three kids (2 girls, 1 boy), I learned, or at least think I did, that females are just inherently better at scheming, disguising their motives, and waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Overall, their brains work in a more complicated manner -- males are simpler beings (as a rule); what you see is what you get, for the most part, with males.
I think females are more perceptive of details, and this often aids them in detecting lies better than males, and it also makes them better at preparing lies, as indicated in this article, by predicting behaviors and responses better than males. Overall, women are more intuitive, and tune into others more readily than men, and this can easily be used to lie to someone convincingly.
Clearly, women are better generalizers than men.
Most men are aware of the fact that women lie. One reason they have so little regard for them.
A lie is a lie, be it from a man, a woman, or a gerbil.
When people get away with lies frequently enough, when they get away with justifications for their lies long enough, they become pathological liars.
Pathological liars lie when there is no need to lie. Or: to borrow a TV commentator, the Clintons tell big lies when small lies will do; they tell small lies when the truth will do.
I think the more important question is, who is more likely to believe or accept a lie?
Maybe men are used to being lied to by women and don't really take it very seriously. Women do seem to accept lies more easily as truth, especially lies they want to believe.
No, but we've got that 'passive-aggressive' thingie down pat.
And 'white lies' were invented for the male ego's gratification.
Think about that.
"No those jeans don't make your butt look fat"
"No, I don't think your stripper friend is attractive"
"No, you haven't gained any weight since I met you"
"The number of women I've slept with can be counted on one hand"
...were all invented for the *male* ego? Talking to women can be like walking on eggshells. White lies may be necessary to preserve the peace.
Woman lie more, but are not very good at from my point of view. Your husband proably lied when he feigned surprise and you took the bait. I know, I am jaded. Divorce here I come.
No, you don't look fat in that dress.
OK. A man lies as a quick fix. A woman lies to preserve family harmony. And Hillary Clinton lies to gain power.
And Obama lies for the same reason.
Liar!
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