Ladies, here's a pop quiz.
• My boyfriend and I have spent the last three holidays together.
• We live together
• His parents and I talk on the phone.
• I often wonder "Where is this going?"
• I don't think my boyfriend is ready to get married anytime soon.
Yes to any or all of the above?
Back in the day, love led to marriage. Now, sex leads into love, which evolves to about a decade of being "a little bit married" -- the long-term, exclusive relationships that we've created as a waypoint on the road to adulthood. In a well-researched and cleverly written pop-sociology self-help book, A Little Bit Married, author and journalist Hannah Seligson explains this new demographic trend.
The vast majority of young adults want to get married. But as we navigate our 20s and early 30s building careers and searching for soul-mates, we delay that goal -- yet still want to experience intimate relationships. Think of these long-term relationships as an "internship" for marriage: You want to test it out, have some of the fun without all the commitment, and see if it's right for you. Maybe you've been dating for two years and have decided to adopt a puppy -- with no official plans for the future. Or maybe the two of you are planning a housewarming party for your new apartment -- with no ring exchange in sight.
If this sounds like you, some words of advice:
• After 3 years of dating, it's time to make a decision. In other centuries, women gave their virginity. Now the equivalent is our time, argues Seligson. A Little Bit Married takes a light-hearted approach, weighing the pros and cons of cohabitation, advising women on how to bring up "the future" without appearing desperate or insecure, and interviewing dozens of couples and experts to reinforce the idea that it's OK to play at marriage for a while before you actually do it. But if you want to get married and have children, spending your late 20s and early 30s with a man who turns on the PlayStation every time you bring up "the future" isn't a great idea. Peter Pan guys -- child-men who can't commit to theater tickets next month, nonetheless a lifetime commitment to you -- may not be the best mates.
• Talk to each other, people. I mean, seriously, figure out what you want and SAY IT. One of the reasons romantic comedies frustrate me is because if the couple would clearly express how they are feeling, things wouldn't be so complicated. I had that similar anxiety reading the interviews in A Little Bit Married: Men repeatedly told Seligson they "hadn't really thought about" marriage, kids and the future. Yes, it's something they want to do, but "later." This drives most women bonkers. Yet, because the ladies are too afraid to rock the boat, no one says anything. In "Are we there yet?" a news-you-can-use chapter on how to bring up the future, Seligson lays out empowered ways for women to express their feelings.
• Don't move in with him until there's a ring on your finger. Girls think living together is a sign that marriage is on the horizon, but guys don't see it that way, according to research by Pamela Smock at the University of Michigan. The vast majority of millennial couples will live together before marriage. For college-educated young adults this probably won't impact divorce rates too much, but the disconnect in motives will cause a lot of heartache along the way. And it can be avoided: You can learn his quirks and figure his internal rhythms by spending a lot of time together but not actually giving up your apartment.
Plus, research clearly shows that women who live with more than one partner have double the odds of divorce in the future. And even though you might think that the relationship is leading to marriage, have you clearly talked about it? Are you sure you are both on the same page about your emotional expectations as you move your espresso machine into his kitchen? Whatever you do, please don't "tumble into" living together -- a trend Seligson explores in detail -- and then shrug and decide that marriage is the next step because it's too exhausting to think about breaking up, moving out and dating again.
Want more advice? Check out A Little Bit Married -- and for research on high-achieving women, dating and marriage, visit me online at http://www.christinewhelan.com
Here's to lasting love,
Christine B. Whelan, Ph.D.
Follow Christine Whelan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/christinewhelan
Well, this changes nothing. We men are perfectly comfortable having the warmth of a relationship and the freedom of having our own apartment. It's our ideal situation. Playing house is usually more desired by women than by men. In most cases, living together is the woman's idea and she is delighted about it when it happens.
Moving together is sometimes a step towards commitment. Sometimes it isn't. But it is never a step away from commitment. These guys that refuse to get married would also refuse to it if they were living in a different apartment or even more so.
If you think that refusing to move together will make a man more willing to commit because he longs for the delights of the domestic life, you don't know men (like most female self-help book authors). We are not as domestic as you and we value freedom and having our space.
Try something simpler instead. Men are simple. Tell your boyfriend that you want to get married and tell him that you need a date (whether it is one year or two years). If he doesn't give you a definite answer, break up with him and move on .
But do you already know that, don't you? It's only that it is hard and terrifying to be alone. Sorry, but if you want something bad enough, you must be willing to fight for it.
Peace.
A russian girlfriend once told me that a man knows if he wants to be with you for the rest of his life within a few months of dating you. No matter what they tell you it is true. Ironically, my husband did ask me about marriage very early on in our relationship. He brought the topic up and NOT me. We dated for 2 years.
We are very happy.
Also,NEVER drive a car before you buy it and NEVER go inside a home until you close on it.
I could have read this same article in 1994.
For all of these years that men have been getting married...we were being (ripped off) and making a big mistake?
Don't move in without a ring? What is really important here, gemstones? Jewelry?
A relationship is so much more.
Disclaimer: I play Ps3.
My husband and I lived together for 6 years (and bought a whole house) before we got married (I'm clearly overly patient). But the marriage didn't really come together until we had a long separation and visited counselors (individually and separately) to learn how to communicate. It really showed us how very deeply we love each other and how big our capacity for forgiveness of various quirks and oddities is, when we set aside our own egos.
In fact, I think there are all kinds of Phoenix rising possibilities when people start talking to each other. (And listening; good listening skills are essential to the talking process.)
Dating itself is stressful and harrowing enough without continuing to add on the pressure that it all leads to the altar and that if you're not there, you're wasting your time. Marriage is not as important as love.