CPAC Ends With Feast of Red Meat, White Rice, Sour Grapes, and Half-Baked Ideas

03/02/2015 04:44 pm ET | Updated May 02, 2015

After the Conservative Political Action Conference ended Saturday night, several of the candidates vying to become the Republican Party's presidential candidate in 2016 met at Café Belshazzar in Washington, D.C.

Billionaires David and Charles Koch picked up the tab for the dinner of red meat, white rice, Caesar salad, half-baked ideas, sour grapes, and millionaire's cake. There also was an especially nutty fruitcake -- but Sarah Palin didn't stay long.

In return for the meal, the prospective candidates pledged their souls to the Kochs. Given the value of their souls, all the prospective candidates thought they got the better of the deal.

The discussion was moderated by talk radio host Rush Limbaugh. The following is an edited transcript of the discussion.

Rush Limbaugh: "We can't let Democrats convince the American people that we don't care about the poor and middle class again."

Donald Trump: "But Rush, we don't care about the poor and middle class. We're Republicans!"

(Cheering and chants of "G . . . O . . . P! . . . G . . . O . . . P . . .!")

Rush Limbaugh: "Nobody knows this more than I. But we still can't let the Democrats convince the poor and middle class that we don't care about them."

Donald Trump: "Why?"

Rush Limbaugh: "Why can't we keep accusing Democrats of using class warfare?"

Jeb Bush: "It worked for my father and brother."

Rand Paul: "If we can keep blacks from voting, why can't we keep the poor from voting?"

Ted Cruz: "When I'm president, I'm going to keep the poor and middle class from voting -- right after I end Obamacare!"

(Cheering. High fives..)

Rush Limbaugh: "We can't do anything like that until we're in the White House. It's important that we figure out which of you stands the best chance of being elected. We need someone who can win the voters we lost in 2012. Women? Blacks? Latinos? People who read?"

Carly Fiorina: "Educated, white women will vote for me."

Jeb Bush: "Most of the educated women will vote for Hillary Clinton."

Carly Fiorina: "Uneducated, white women will vote for me."

Sarah Palin: "Back off, Fiorina! They're mine!"

Scott Walker: "The uneducated love me in Wisconsin. I whipped the teacher's union. If I can take on the teachers, I can take on Islamic terrorists!"

Marco Rubio: "So your core group is people who hate teachers."

Scott Walker: "Damn straight! "


Rick Santorum: "Facts have a well-known liberal bias."

Rush Limbaugh: "You won't get any facts listening to my show or watching Fox News! We tell people who don't like to think what to think."

Rand Paul: "Fair and Balanced."

(Cheers of "Fox News! Fox News!")

Rush Limbaugh: "A lot of Republicans know that blacks only voted for Barack Obama because he's black. You're black, Dr. Carson. Will blacks vote for you?"

Ben Carson: "Black Republicans will."

Rand Paul: "You mean both of them!"

Ben Carson: "That's two more black voters than you'll get, Paul."

Rush Limbaugh: "What about Hispanics? Who here stands the best chance of attracting Latino voters. Governor Bush?


Jeb Bush: "My wife is Mexican."

Rick Perry: " I'm the governor of Texas. I know a lot of Mexicans. I have three reasons why Hispanics will vote for me. Number 1 ...


(Pause continues.)

Rick Perry: "Oops."

Marco Rubio: "I'm Cuban-American. I'm a Latino..."

Rush Limbugh: "Not so fast, Rubio. We want Hispanics to vote for us. This doesn't mean we want to vote for one."

(Nods of approval and agreement.)

Chris Christie: "Waiter, thank God, you're here, can you bring me another... ?"

Mike Pence: "I'm not the waiter. I'm Mike Pence and I'm running for president."

Chris Christie: "Anyone here heard of this guy?"

(Everyone at the table shakes their heads and looks confused - more so than normal.)

Rush Limbaugh: "Who did you say you were?"

Mike Pence: "I'm governor of Indiana."

Ted Cruz: "Is that a state or something?"

Mike Pence: "It's next to Illinois?"

Rush Limbaugh: "Illinois. Isn't there where Obama is from?"

Rudy Giuliani: "Obama hates America."

(Cheers. Nods of agreement.)

Jeb Bush: "My father was born in this country and he became president. My brother was born in this country and he became president. My mother says I should be president."

Rush Limbaugh: "But, governor, where's your strongest base of support?"

Jeb Bush: "People who thought my brother was a great president."

Rand Paul: "Those are Ben Carson numbers."

Rush Limbaugh: "Anyone else?"

Marco Rubio: "I speak to those Republican voters who are smart, reasonable, and tolerant."


(Additional pause.)

(Explosion of laughter.)

Rush Limbaugh: "Good luck with that, Rubio!"