Does Your Inner Bully Keep You From Hot Sex?

05/07/2015 02:13 pm ET | Updated May 07, 2016

Are you holding back in the bedroom because of your size or weight? What are you waiting for? Like so many of us fat women, you are waiting (or weighting) for some special magical number to appear on the scale, right?

I hear it all the time. Women insist on placing unreasonable demands on themselves. They see stretch marks or cellulite and think they have to hide their body from their partners. They think they can't let loose because their body doesn't doesn't match up to Photoshopped expectations. They get this image in their head that if they could just lose another 25 pounds that life will magically be perfect.

I own a plus-size lingerie boutique. I hear it all day long. I meet hundreds of women each year who are trying to find just the right piece of lingerie that will allow them to hide some part of their body in an effort to help them be more comfortable in their own bedroom with their lover.

I get it, really I do. We get shy. We get in our own head. We are scared of rejection. I know what that's like. I've been fat since the third grade, and I'm currently a size 24. I carry my weight in my hips and butt, and no matter how much black I wear, I still take up a lot of space. As fat girls, many of us had to deal with insults and ridicule directed at our bodies over the years. The natural response is to close up and build walls that protect our hearts.

But all that hiding and holding back has a negative effect on your sex life. Bodies of all shapes and sizes are capable of enjoying great sex. You just have to decide you want it. (And, I am referring to great sex alone or with other people!)

We are so ready to hear someone mock our bodies, that we do it to ourselves. Everyone -- men, women, gay, straight, trans and other -- has a voice in their heads that tears them down and says, "You are not good enough. You are not worthy." That voice lies. That voice is a bully. Think about it like this -- would you say those terrible words out loud to your best friend? Would you want someone to say that to your daughter?

Stop it! Don't be a bully! Shut down your inner mean girl or guy.

If that voice does not build you up, then you need to shut it down. Don't pick yourself apart, instead you need to recognize that you are enough exactly the way you are. When you let go and love yourself for exactly how you look right now, you will be able to enjoy a deeper level of intimacy with your partner.

I'm making an assumption here, but I am willing to bet that your partner wants that connection. Think about that -- your partner could be with someone else, they could even be alone, but that person has chosen you. Whether you have been together a few weeks or a few years they want to be in your bed, to hold you, to touch you. You are unique and desirable exactly the way you are. You are your own special sauce.

Let's be clear -- the person in your bedroom knows exactly what your body looks like even when you hide under the covers. You are not fooling anyone, just putting energy towards building those walls around your heart.

While you are waiting for some arbitrary milestone, life is happening now. Your life.

You deserve to feel sensual and desirable and, frankly, so does your partner. When you are comfortable in your own skin, you will feel more confident about letting go in the bedroom. Tell your partner that you have decided to have a great sex life, and I can almost guarantee they will be on board.

So don't hide from your partner. Let go of the negative talk. Feel sexy. Let loose. Wear sexy panties or nothing at all. Be honest about what feels good. Don't fake it; your partner deserves honesty and you deserve to explore every mind-blowing possibility.

You are worthy of all of the pleasure that your body is capable of creating.