Hey, William Kristol: Forget The Quote Foul-Up, But Write A Better Column Next Time

Mused William Kristol in his remarkably inadequate debut in the New York Times on Monday:

Who, inquiring minds want to know, is going to spare us a first Obama term? After all, for all his ability and charm, Barack Obama is still a liberal Democrat. Some of us would much prefer a non-liberal and non-Democratic administration.

"Obama is a liberal." Groundbreaking goddamn stuff, Bill. Maybe I'll use it, too.

Some of us would much prefer a non-conservative and non-Republican administration!

John McCain is still a conservative!

I hate George Bush, because he talks like an idiot and he looks like a monkey!

If I keep screaming long enough with a shrill-enough voice, maybe the Times will make me a columnist, too!

Or maybe it won't. The point is, I gave Kristol the benefit of the doubt when the Times hired him. His stunningly-ardent neo-conservatism aside, the man was supposed to be a good writer. He was supposed to entertain me, my friends, my professors and all of you as we wade through our horribly mundane lives.

When I pick up the New York Times, a paper that sits at the very pinnacle of daily editorial discourse, I am in the market for something a little bit deep. Not too deep, of course, but I should read these columns and feel that before I'd read them, I was just a little bit stupider. I should be convinced that the discussion benefited me.

Kristol failed to deliver that discussion. Not just because he turned Michael Medved into Michelle Malkin, either - that was journalistic hilarity at its finest, and I appreciate hilarity to a certain extent. Kristol's problem was that he clearly just didn't try. Read some more:

Now it's true that many conservatives have serious doubts about Huckabee's positions, especially on foreign policy, and his record, particularly on taxes. The conservative establishment is strikingly hostile to Huckabee -- for both good and bad reasons. But voters seem to be enjoying making up their own minds this year. And Huckabee is a talented politician.

It holds up nicely to one of my own essays, entitled, "Sharks," which I wrote in first grade:

It's true that sharks have big fins, especially whale sharks, and that they are grey, particularly hammerhead sharks. Some small fish do not like sharks because sharks eat the small fish, for both good reasons and bad reasons. But people like sharks because they are talented and cool. And sharks are some talented fish.

Note that I received a gold star on said essay. Then again, I was writing for my first-grade teacher, not for one of the most renowned publications in the history of mankind.

The fact that he came in with massive fanfare as one of the loudest-mouthed critics of the Times doesn't automatically make William Kristol's writing Times-caliber. Had it not been an enormous week in the circus of American politics, replete with a whole array of more entertaining diversions, readers would be exponentially more disappointed in Kristol. Had we focused on this piece of writing - had we really sat down, poured a nice gin drink and read what he had to say - he wouldn't have gotten by with near the kind of second chance that he'll have on Monday.

The New York Times was never, and should not be, in the business of simplistic musings that could be recreated to perfection in any high school or university newsroom. In the end, that's why this was a roundly poor first try by Mr. Kristol. He's not some sort of horrible writer. He's not an idiot. He's got the talent to inform and entertain in this context, and he just didn't do it.

Try harder next time, big guy.

Comments

[bumpersticker]

Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness

I need to cry, and when the sun went out
I've got something I can cry about
I feel bad, in a special way
It’s Bill Kristol and it's a dark dark day

Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness

We take the Times, it was the best in town
Burns my butt as he tears it down

Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness

Then he lies beneath a smirk or three
I loath him and he panders me
He feels good, he know he's at the Times
I'm so sad to see his damn byline

Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness

From Rich to Dowd, it was the light of souls
Now a Kristol floats in our punch bowl

Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness
Bad day darkness

With apologies to John and Paul

[SharonWantsToTalk]

Everything written by this man and is printed should be lambasted. He has the same right to free speech as everyone else does. But when you give it the credibility of a news organization, his blatant neocon views and public policy screw ups need to be ever fresh in all readers minds.

[Joseph A. Palermo - Huffpost Blogger]

Great post, keep an eye on this fellow, he's a window into what the warmonger and neo-cons want to happen.

[Querent]

Bullshit! Kristol certainly is an idiot!

[shsofahs]

Kristol is a moron and so is Brooks. And never more so than when they are discussing cultural matters. Maybe that's part of the disease they share, this utter tone-deafness to anything more outrageous than a Joe Walsh guitar solo at an Eagles concert. Kristol's comment about Huckabee generating some ooh's and ah's based on his playing bass with a band called "Mama Kicks" has to be something he overheard at an improv session hosted by Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy. You know what I would pay to see, though? Ebert and the other guy replaced by Kristol and Brooks. For real, that's the kind of programming that might raise Ed Wood from the dead. And I'm not even thinking about the two of them in lederhosen or anything; just playing it straight would be more brilliant than anything since SCTV went off the air.

[oogabooga]

He was a lousy writer to begin with. Takes too long to wade through.

[realpolitic]

William Kristol says: "Who, inquiring minds want to know, is going to spare us a first Obama term?" Too bad Kristol is not an inquiring mind. If so, he would be receptive to evidence and occasionally persuadable, instead of being an ideologically rigid, warmongering propaganda artist.

Kristol also said: "But voters seem to enjoy making up their own minds this year." Yes, in past years voters have enjoyed being told who to vote for. If voters are going to make up their own minds in an exercise of democracy Kristol does not understand, then it does not bode well for Fox News or Kristol. They enjoy steering voters toward Republicans through character assassination of Democrats.

[novowel4me]

When it comes to comparing contributors, Mr. Kristol dropping fatuous phrases in the NYT is the editorial page equivalent to a reverse Hannity and Colmes show.

[SonnyBono]

Hold on a minute - you mean to tell me that Bill Kristol actually WRITES that crap???? Well, you learn something new every day. I always thought that he just took it off the fax machine from the Republican National Committee and put his name at the bottom.

Instead of wasting our time on dirt bag war-mongers like Kristol - the media, including the Huff Post, should publish the names of all the dead Americans and Iraqis in this Bush/Cheney war. Americans and the rest of the world have a right to know the true cost of this illegal disaster of a war. Then if chickenhawks like Kristol still "believe" in this war - let them enlist. If the US military wont take them, I hear that Blackwater has lower standards.

The New York Times should be ashamed but after Judith Miller and the rest of the neocom crap that they have pushed on us - I don't think that they are capable of shame.

[itsnotmyfault]

What you say about Mr big time neocon Bill Kristol is true now and before and is really part of the mystery why the Times has offered him this platform. That being said I enjoyed your piece but I now have this insatiable desire to go to the National Aquarium.

[radicalmoderate]

I think Kristol is so used to writing for Republicans on the 3rd grade level that he thinks he has to write to a broader audience on a 1st grade level. Afterall, what's the difference between a Medved, a Maulkin and an M&M candy. "Melts in your mouth not in your mind."

[bayman]

Kristol doesn't write to stimulate thought. He doesn't write to make a point and back it up with evidence. He writes to push an agenda...truth be damned. What a disgrace...both him and the Times.

[CAPTAINSKIPPY]

With luck, Kristol will be overwhelmed with corrections and retractions, and follow the Chimp into oblivion/exile in about a year.

[darker]

Kristol is living PROOF that journalism is long dead & gone. NYTimes = liars & whores.

[elkabong]

Bill Kristol knows who he's playing to, and it isn't us.