THE BLOG
04/24/2014 08:18 am ET Updated Jun 24, 2014

The Play-By-Play Highlights Of My Colonoscopy

I'm contributing a chronicle of my heroic exploits to the voluminous colonoscopy canon hosted by The Huff/Post Fifty. Links to other works follow.

I'll skip the pre-game antics. Much has been written about them. My experiences were neither amusing nor edifying. Just expect The Elixir from Hell, followed by a deluge rivaling all natural catastrophes, specifically mudslides and monsoons.

On a stretcher and gussied up for gut-wrenching, I'm wheeled to the Endoscopy Suite. Nurses are all over the place, rummaging around. I'm told that I'll be half-awake during the procedure, probably in a state of bliss. It ends up more a state of 'I don't care!'

I recognize the Doctor, had watched a few online videos of him on the hospital web site. Huge smile, white teeth blinding me. Maybe this is where that hackneyed phrase comes from, the one about a grin... no, I'll skip that gag.

Off I float into the cerebral mush, they ask me to roll over on my side, and I feel something -- but I don't care.

Once the patient was adequately sedated, DRE was performed that revealed normal sphincter tone and no palpable masses. Prostate was smooth.

The nurses are gossiping. I'm not paying attention. I move my head and glance at the monitor. There it all is, just like every video about it on YouTube. I don't care!

The colonoscope was inserted at the anus and insufflation was performed. The colonoscope was advanced the full length of the colon to the cecum under direct visualization.

I don't care!

More gossip, non-stop. Just like Grey's Anatomy, except better dialogue, although I'm not remembering any of it from one syllable to the next.

I'm bored. I'm still bored. Happily bored. I don't care if it's ever over, or if it's over any time now.

There is jiggling down there. Blubbering buttocks. It lasts a long time. I'm wondering what's going on, although I really don't care.

The colonoscope was slowly withdrawn under direct visualization as the colon was serially desufflated. Final desufflation was performed and the colonoscope was withdrawn completely from the patient. Extraction time: 10 minutes.

I'm simply a big, flabby balloon to these people.

Now being wheeled away into another room. A nurse explains this and that to me, a few polyps extracted (the next day, found to be benign), hands me a report and some beautiful 3X5 Glossies worthy of scanning but I'll spare you.

Post-Op: Double-Whopper.
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Silliness aside, this is a serious subject. A lifelong friend had advanced colon cancer and died a few months ago. So make plans with your provider.
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Huffington Post Blogger Brent Green does a more thorough job than yours truly on his personal blog: Baby Boomer Men and Cancer: An Uncomfortable Truth

I Did It! A Colonoscopy by Liz Margolies

Colonoscopy: The Funny Test We Love To Hate by Ann Brenoff

My Colonoscopy: Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself by Andy Ostroy

There are more - ranging from flippant to sobering to informational. Search "Colonoscopies" on Huffington Post.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

PHOTO GALLERIES
12 Tests That Can Do More Harm Than Good