This may not be a great confession to make as a pediatrician, but when it comes to sleep and kids, I am a total softie.
Our kids slept in our bed. We slept in theirs (which was very cramped in the toddler bed, and didn't do great things to the frame) -- or lay next to them as they drifted off to sleep. We sat on the floor, telling stories and singing lullabies and slowly edging out of the bedroom as their breathing got deep and regular. We went in again and again to retrieve the stuffed animal from under the bed or to investigate the scary noise or possible spider. When they woke in the middle of the night, we held them until they went back to sleep -- sometimes night after night.
Our children have always had a reasonable bedtime (even if we ignore it sometimes), we've made sure their sleep is safe, and there has never been (or will be) a TV in a bedroom. And now that they are older, everyone sleeps just fine. But when they were little, it never really mattered to us whether they slept independently, or all night. We broke all sorts of "sleep rules" on a regular basis.
Not what a pediatrician is supposed to say.
I am not going to argue for a moment that uninterrupted sleep is a good thing. It's a great thing. I've probably whittled months if not years off my life, and lost a few brain cells, from all the interrupted sleep I had between 1991, when my first child was born, and 2009 when my sixth (at four) stopped breastfeeding and moved definitively into his own bed.
But for us, at the time, uninterrupted sleep wasn't so important. Breastfeeding was important, and it's really hard to do that for any length of time without some co-sleeping. Just being close to the kids was important -- our third child was born severely disabled and died in infancy, and, well, for us there was nothing better than falling asleep with a cheek on our child's head (D. H. Lawrence had it right when he wrote, "Sleep is most perfect when it is shared with a beloved.") For us, holding everybody closer was part of moving forward.
We were also lazy. It was just easier to get up and climb in bed with someone, or bring them into our bed, than work at getting them to go back to sleep by themselves. We knew they would eventually, and they did. We were fine with "eventually" being kindergarten and not infancy. That's it, in a nutshell: We were fine. We were getting enough sleep overall, we weren't persistently grouchy (I won't deny that we had some grouchy days after bad nights), it worked for our needs and our life.
Personally, I think that as a culture we are a bit too hung up on getting our kids scheduled and independent practically from the time they are born. But I'm not out to convince anyone of that as a pediatrician. When I talk to parents about their kids and sleep, aside from finding out if what they are doing is safe and healthy, what I most want to know is whether what they are doing works for them. If it does, we move on to the next topic. If it doesn't, I'll work with them to find a solution. That solution might be getting their kids to sleep independently and through the night -- but it might be something else.
For what it's worth, I am not a softie on everything. I'm really strict about eating vegetables, limiting TV time and homework. I will not abide lies, everyone has to exercise, and no matter how angry my kids might get with each other, I insist on basic standards of kindness. We all find our way as parents, and decide what's most important to us.
Honestly, there aren't all that many absolutes when it comes to raising kids. You must love them, really love them so they know it. You must do everything you can to keep them safe and healthy. You must keep their future in mind, because at some point they will move on and you want them to have a good and choice-filled life. But there are literally millions of ways to do these things -- billions, really. As many ways as there are families.
One bit of advice, if you are going to curl up in bed with your kid: Don't buy a toddler bed.
Follow Claire McCarthy, M.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@drClaire
I don't think we should stick to strict absolutes, but I do know that children sleep better when they have a relatively consistent bedtime routine. That routine, though, shouldn't include mommy or daddy turning the TV on to try to appease a screaming toddler. It usually surprises parents when I tell them that children who don't get enough sleep may exhibit ADHD-like behaviors. That's when I realize that I'm going to have to do more in the way of explaining sleep hygiene than anything else.
Naturally, the same "rules" apply to adults.
Yes, it prolonged the interrupted sleep all parents of newborns have, but neither my husband or I regret doing it.
Bedtime was never a battle, and the bonds formed with our kids have lasted throughout their lives (yes, even during those tough teenage years!).
My son chose not to co-sleep, but my daughter did.
I see the difference that doing versus not-doing has made in their individual relationships with their children; as a result, I'm still a co-sleeping advocate.
Even when the grandbabers do a 'sleep-over', they co-sleep with my husband and I.
If there are too many to fit the bed, we have a slumber party on the floor (not so easy as geezers, but still doable).
End point, I was an fan of co-sleeping back when dinosaurs ruled the earth, and I'm still a fan now.
It just makes sense to me.
Because you asked an "in-depth" question, it seemed important to give an "in-depth" reply.
I can't, but I can give a general observation.
When my daughter's son is upset, afraid, confused, unhappy, sick, etc. he turns to his Mom and his Dad (his Dad following the lead my daughter set).
When my son's daughters are upset, (ditto the above)...they turn to grandparents, great-grandmothers, and aunts for comfort.
For one, the source of reassurance is specific; for the other's, it's general.
Is it related to co-sleeping, to personal philosophies?
Don't know.
But what and interesting study, thesis, or dissertation if might make.
Good for you if you can do it. But currently I have 2 boys in my bed nearly every night, even though they usually start off in their own room. Oh, well, can't sweat the small stuff.
First, it is a parent's right to do "what works best for them", but it's not about what's best for YOU. It's about what's best for your CHILD. I started out rocking every night & sneaking out after he fell asleep, but it made the transition worse as he got older. Children need to learn how to self-soothe. They will need to be able to calm & relax themselves a million times in their lives. My son is perfectly normal & goes to sleep alone.
Secondly, I have to say that while it is your right to give your child breast milk forever, it makes me shudder to think of him suckling at age four. Can't they have it in a bottle, cup, whatever? It's the MILK that's good for them, notso much the boob.
Lastly, all those who have commented about the hangups of Western culture need to remember that they are a part of said culture. People in other parts of the world do what is seen as common place in their society. They may co-sleep because they only have one room to live in. They BF for years because they cannot afford food or don't have clean water.
While I appreciate the positive comments, don't be hypocritical of those who disagree. Just because "bottle feeding parents who don't sleep with their kids" don't shout it from the rooftops, doesn't make it wrong for
I'll tell you one thing: I bet those kids that are breastfed longer are less likely to have dental issues from sucking their thumbs (in an attempt to compensate for the comfort they get by breastfeeding).
Obviously, it works for some and that's great. But I'm still curious how they're able to make more babies when the previous baby is still sleeping with them . . . ? (Anyone care to enlighten me?) LOL