This week a study was released saying when children are disciplined using harsh physical punishment like spanking, they are at higher risk of depression, anxiety, substance abuse and other mental health problems -- even if they aren't otherwise abused or maltreated. This is scary, because I just recently read an article in the Boston Globe that said that 70 percent of Americans think that spanking is sometimes necessary -- and 90 percent of parents of toddlers spank them.
Ninety percent?
Clearly, as the article pointed out, this is happening behind closed doors. If you even talk about spanking your kid, let alone do it in public, there's a reasonable chance that social services will be knocking on your door.
Although I wouldn't have guessed 90 percent, I certainly know that parents spank their kids. As a pediatrician, it's part of my job to talk with families about discipline -- and in those discussions, spanking comes up relatively frequently. And when those investigators go knocking at my patients' doors, as part of their investigation they call me. So I've had lots of conversations with families about spanking.
What has been very clear to me is that the vast majority of parents who spank do it in an effort to do the right thing. They aren't out to hurt their kids; they are good parents. The Globe article quoted Dr. Murray Straus, a sociologist at the University of New Hampshire who studies the effects of corporal punishment on kids, as saying that people think that spanking will work when nothing else does. From what I've heard from parents over the years, this rings true to me.
Parents see spanking as a way to make their children understand that they are really serious about something. My mother spanked me as a child -- but she reserved it for two circumstances: when I did something dangerous (like running out into the street) or when I told a lie. These were the things she most didn't want me to do, and she saw spanking as the way to get that message across.
But research shows that actually, spanking isn't more effective than any other form of discipline -- and it can end up having effects that parents really don't want. It's not just mental health problems like the current study and other research show. Spankees are also more likely to have trouble controlling their temper -- not surprising, given that so often parents do it in moments of frustration or anger or both. It's not exactly setting the best example for temper control. They may even have a lower IQ.
The most common "side effect" of spanking, though, is that spankees are more likely to hit other children. This makes sense to me, and is something I talk about with parents a lot. When you spank a child you are teaching them that hitting is okay -- especially that bigger people can hit smaller people. Is that a lesson you really want them to learn?
Now, not every kid who is spanked turns into a depressed, angry high-school dropout who beats people up. There are plenty of kids who turn out just fine. But if it's not more effective, and there are other ways to discipline your child, why take the risk?
I don't spank my kids. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it in those moments when I have either been pushed to the absolute limit of my anger or frustration -- or when one of my children has done something that has scared the bejesus out of me and what I wanted more than anything was to be sure that they never, ever did it again.
But I don't do it. My memories of being spanked are filled with humiliation and pain, and those aren't memories that I want my children to have.
Until I read the Boston Globe article, I didn't know that many countries -- like Sweden, Germany, Spain and Venezuela -- have banned spanking. Attempts to do anything similar even on a local level here in the U.S. have fallen flat pretty quickly.
Although I understand why spanking is parenthood's dirty little secret (nobody wants social services at the door), I wish we could find a way to talk more openly about it. If we don't talk about it, we don't get the chance to help people understand why it can be harmful -- and help them learn about other ways of discipline. If we don't talk about it, we miss a chance to reach out to stressed parents and give them support. Parenthood is really hard work -- we do better at it when we have help.
We all want our kids to be safe, well-behaved and to learn right from wrong. I think we can do that without spanking -- especially if we work together. Only if we work together.
Follow Claire McCarthy, M.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@drClaire
Children love attention and consistency. If a parent was mad at them yesterday, they'll do everything in their power to ensure their parent is angry today. When a parent yells at or hits their kids they're basically being controlled by the child.
Be the parent. Be in control. No hitting. No yelling. Role model. Do you get a raise at work when you do well? How does that affect your work? Positive reinforcement. POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE. Ignore a toddler's bad behavior while heaping massive amounts of positive attention on them for good behavior, and you'll see miracles you never believed possible.
In the first case, the parent is in control. The parent is addressing a behavior problem. The parent has a conversation about what was done wrong, what the punishment is & what is the correct behavior.
In the second case, the parent is out-of-control. The parent is addressing a behavior problem that has escalated b/c instead of addressing the problem there have been multiple warnings without consequences that have, not surprisingly, not changed the behavior, leaving the parent frustrated. The parent is SCREAMING at the child!
Those are NOT the same!
(but I'm not convinced, with some of those police, lately).
It has nothing to do with them being able to "hit back". It has everything to do with getting a message to sit in a very primitive proto-mind, which has perhaps cogitated one or two levels of Maslow's hierarchy. As a teenager, my parents didn't need to lay a hand on me: I understood the social consequences of grounding, and the very real threat (once I started working) of having no help with my college funding, later. Do we expect these motivators to work with someone
I mean, toddlers???
The idea of hitting such sweet little beings who are so vulnerable,helpless, and who depend on us completely for everything... breaks my heart, it really does.
Seems like such a simple lesson to understand, but apparently way too many of us haven't learned that cruelty begets cruelty. We've got a long way to go if so many people still don't get it.
I can't imagine my children "Fearing" daddy could in any way be helpful