As Boomers, we remember the childhood retort, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' This defense against name calling was heard on every playground - and even in households - across the country. But we were wrong. Research on family violence over the past 25-30 years has proven verbal assaults contribute to family conflict in a very direct way. Knowing what we know now, I am very troubled by the verbal assaults politicians are slinging at one another daily and the effect this political theater can have on homes and communities across our country.
Several years ago, I had the privilege to hear noted gay writer and founder of the It Gets Better Project, Dan Savage, speak to a group of educators in Seattle. Dan is a proactive advocate for teen-agers who are coming out as gay. His efforts are intended to help reduce the number of suicides in gay teens by supporting those who struggle with coming out to their friends and families. During his remarks, Dan suggested our world and community leaders are the models for behavior we play out in intimate situations. If national leaders are gay bashing or restricting rights of LGBT individuals, family members take their cues from cable television reporting and mirror those public behaviors in the home.
I believe Dan's theory and it is making me terribly anxious about what is unfolding in this year's political circus. We have just spent a primary season where the candidates of one political party wallowed around in a muddy pit of name calling which included: negative innuendos about male genitalia; repulsive comments about women politicians, reporters and political wives; mocking people with disabilities; and racial hate speech. Let's assume the national election evolves the way we expect it might, and the Democratic nominee is a woman. If past is prologue, can we anticipate name calling to include words rhyming with 'witch', 'score', and 'punt'? Given recent political theater, I believe it is highly likely.
It has been just as stunning to watch politicians, pundits and commentators provide subtle and overt tacit approval to these behaviors. They provide the fuel to whip up crowds. I recently watched an interview with a Southern female Senator (unnamed). When asked about the very overt verbal attacks on women, she replied: well, she was from the South and she had heard worse from her constituents. What a pity. By not condemning such behavior, she is complicit in it.
How will this play out in families? I posed the question to Beverly Upton, Executive Director of the San Francisco Domestic Violence Consortium. 'Do you expect,' I asked, 'domestic violence incidents in the country to increase in this highly charged political climate where women have already been targets of disgusting attacks?' Bev replied; 'in a political year like no other, it's hard to guess. But the inflammatory rhetoric is obviously provocative.'
Grandparents are role models for their families by default. Because of our age and life experience, we are expected to have acquired or to hold some innate wisdom on how to navigate life difficulties, including family conflict. Boomer grandparents can influence how their family members, particularly their grandchildren, play out the conflict they see on television or observe in quarrels between their parents. Here are some suggestions:
•No ugly name calling, teasing or bullying permitted.
•if you see family conflict is troubling your grandchildren and their parents, ask how you can help. Ex: I'd love to have the grandchildren this week-end to give you a little break.
•Be an enlightened role model. Resist entering the family conflict and participating in it. It is your responsibility as the Tribal Elder to change unhealthy family patterns and promote healthy ones.
•No fighting in front of the grandchildren.
•Maintain stable, positive events in the children's lives.
•When you are in charge of selecting media or entertainment to share with your grandchildren, steer the choice away from an activity with a lot of violence or conflict.
•When selecting gifts for grandchildren, steer clear of those promoting violence (toy weapons, violent virtual games).
•Turn off cable news.
•As your grandchildren grow and develop, teach them 'our family does not hit'.
And finally, it is a fact of life we will not necessarily like all the people in our world. We do, however, have an obligation to 'be polite.' This is a valuable lesson for grandchildren of any age - including adult politicians.