How in the World Did Colton Burpo Beat Me to Heaven?

Damn! Here was I, preparing to astonish the world with my tale of a visit to heaven, and I get beaten to the bestseller list by a tow-headed kid. Well, strictly speaking, I've been bested by his dad, the Rev. Todd Burpo of Imperial, Neb., author of "Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back."

Now, I know it may sound like sour grapes, but I have my doubts about the authenticity of this tale. For one thing, young Colton says Jesus has sea-blue eyes. Rather startling, when you consider that Jesus was a Semite. So far as we know, all the other people of the Levant were dark-haired, dark-eyed people -- at least until the Crusaders arrived and mixed things up a bit.

But of course the Crusades could not have happened in Jesus's time, because, after all, they get their name from the cross on which he was crucified. Sure, the Romans were around, but we're not saying that some blue-eyed Roman got in on the lineage, are we? In any case, blue eyes seem to have evolved in the Ukraine and then spread to the Scandinavians and Germans whose descendants later populated Nebraska. But, hey, I know this is a quibble. After all, we don't know what color God's eyes are. Or maybe these days Jesus is stylin' with those fancy contacts that change your eye color.

Anyhow, my real problem with Colton's account lies elsewhere. You see, I can't tell you what color Jesus's eyes are, or how big God is, 'cause I never got anywhere near the Head Honchos. Truth to tell, I never even got inside. Well, no surprise, really.

About a century ago, the great Mark Twain published "Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven," one of the most detailed (and hilarious) accounts of a celestial journey ever put into print. It starts out by noting that the journey to heaven takes more than 30 years, owing to the vast expanse of space, and once he got there, Stormfield found the place tremendously crowded.

Well, these days we have much faster transport. The trouble begins once you arrive. I mean, think about it: with a global population approaching 7 billion, it's no surprise that 105 people die every minute. Let's say about a third of them are Christians. If we weed out the Democrats, Unitarians, Mormons and other false Christians among them, we're left with less than half of what we started with. Let's suppose we next get rid of those who were secretly gay, and well, even then you've got around eight people a minute lining up at the Pearly Gates. (Eight out of 105 seems about right: "Many are called, but few are chosen," saith the Lord.)

Now, according to TripAdvisor.com, it takes visitors arriving at a U.S. airport an average of 30 minutes to clear customs. Let's assume that Heaven is an order of magnitude more efficient. So, if each new arrival takes just 30 seconds to zip through their interview with Saint Peter, you've still got a 4:1 backlog building all the time. And of course, there's always someone who wants to tell their whole life story and make everyone wait. Blah, blah, blah.

Even though it's heaven, you do find people acting out. While I was standing around, a terrible ruckus broke out somewhere ahead. Word came back through the line that it was Elizabeth Taylor, demanding a limo to carry her in. Who can blame her, really? She's been in line more than two months already, and without a change of clothes!

Fortunately, some of the old-timers, probably dead "Club for Growth" types, have spotted an opportunity and started up businesses to serve those in line. After a few hours, I stepped out to buy myself a bacon cheeseburger. Man, was it good! I guess my enthusiasm showed, because the proprietor grinned at me and said, "You better enjoy it. It may be your last."

"What do you mean?"

"Once you get through those Pearly Gates, that's the end of meat for you. It's strictly vegetarian in there."

"Huh?"

"You weren't expecting to find slaughterhouses in Heaven, were you?"

"I guess I never thought about it."

"Besides, no animals are allowed inside. You remember that church-sign debate about dogs in heaven?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, the Catholics lost."

I can't say for sure whether it was the cheeseburgers or the dogs, but at point I just turned around and caught the next shuttle back to Earth. I'm not complaining. I just wanna know: How did Colton Burpo jump the line?

 

 

 

Follow Clay Farris Naff on Twitter: www.twitter.com/claynaff

Comments

[bi-poplar]

02:20 PM on 06/08/2011

No dogs, I ain't goin'

[de-meme-ing]

02:01 PM on 06/08/2011

He went to the place where Jesus has blue/green eyes and ate fishburgers.....who would have guessed? For obvious reasons the line wasn't as long, though things might change after the publication of the book............ also according to the dear little fellow, We Will Rock You, isn't allowed, though singing Jesus Loves You, is.

[ZenGardner]

11:31 AM on 06/08/2011

Funny article...

But the funniest thing in this article? The name Burpo. [giggles an immature giggle]

[Ed Pearlstein]

08:06 PM on 06/07/2011

I’ve got a story that might explain it, as told by my father. He was a kid when his family arrived at the U.S. They were standing in a long line at immigration. Well his mother had heard that if a family had a crying child, it would go to the head of the line. So my grandmother pinched her babe-in-arms (my Aunt Minnie), and the kid cried. It worked.
So maybe Colton got to the head of the line by throwing a tantrum.