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Obamacare Is Killing Our Bottom Line

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We billionaires are delighted that the Supreme Court has begun hearings about that dreadful Obamacare. As shareholders in all the large insurance companies, we love the Individual mandate. After all, it was our idea, promulgated through the various conservative think-tanks that we sponsor. But there are a number of features of the so-called "Affordable Care Act" that really get under our bottom line.

For instance, young people can be covered by their parents plush policies until they're 26. Cossetting the young isn't going to help them learn that the world is a harsh place. Which is why we want to see them forced to buy one of our $5,000 deductible policies as soon as they graduate high school. Making them pay and pay every month for something they'll almost never get any benefit out of will teach them about discipline and commitment.

Also, the Act eliminates co-payments for preventative services. Now that's just $5 or $10 here and there to you people for cancer screenings and immunizations, but if you consider everyone with a policy with one of the companies I own shares of, it really ads up as far as my portfolio is concerned. It's like taking one of my 47 mansions away from me every year -- a loss too great to suffer!

And then there's the matter of forcing us to insure folks with pre-existing conditions. It's like buying a box of china that a ham-handed clerk dropped down the escalator before you got to the store. If someone had toenail fungus 25 years ago, they're likely to be a ticking time bomb as far as insuring their health is concerned. And don't get me started on the millions of women who suffer from conceptual abdominosis (otherwise known as pregnancy). Their lives and health will be forever changed by that condition, so why should we have to foot the bill?

And finally, there's the matter of eliminating lifetime caps in coverage. Those caps were a way of letting sick people know that they'd spent enough time on the insurance company teat and it was time to stop fighting or just start paying. Considering that 60% of bankruptcies have been medical in nature, just think what kind of effect this law is going to have on the mortgage industry. Bear in mind that we have shares in all the big banks too. That extra $35,000 you incurred from your bout with colorectal cancer is the medical bankruptcy that allowed us to foreclose on you and then sell that house to someone else (our beloved "Have our cake and eat it" dictum).

We are fairly confident that the Supremes will manage to drive a stake into this turkey so we can all return to the good old Wild West of health insurance. Astronomically higher rates, larger copayments, us selling policies across state lines from the states with the least regulation, an end to Medicaid (make those poor folks pony up like the rest of you!) -- it's a rosy future for the billionaires. And we're confident that after November's election, when all of the branches of government are in our corner, a President Romney will eagerly sign a new Individual mandate into law, only one that doesn't come coupled with all these profit-killing measures.

And if you feel sick, you should try my medical regimen. Every morning, my personal physician grinds up the thyroid gland of an endangered species of pygmy antelope and injects it into my gluteus maximus. I feel even better for knowing that an adorable, doe-eyed creature had to die so that I can continue to feel vigorous and invulnerable.