Our favorite stranded castaways are back this week for their fifth season of mind-bending adventures. Theories are brewing among the enthusiast crowd as to what the new season might hold. Some fans don't have the highest hopes, however, fearing that recent plot lines have veered off into absurdity and their...

6:00a: Wake up.

6:15a: Pray.

6:30a: Shit myself.

7:00a: Eat bowl of Honeycombs.

7:30a: Shit.

8:00a: Google "John McCain."

8:45a: Pick up Anchorage Daily News.

8:46a: Put it down and pick up New York Times. How do you like me now, Couric?

9:00a: Start skimming every fucking book I see.

After Palin's dramatic dive in the polls over these last few weeks, McCain staffers are lamenting their decision to not proceed with their first VP choice, Big Bird.

"Big Bird was our number one pick for quite some time," a McCain advisor admitted yesterday, while shaking his head in regret....

In a spiraling gaffe that many supporters feared showed his age, Senator McCain included Napoleon Bonaparte in a flurry of name dropping during Friday night's debate. "Senator Obama doesn't understand what it takes to forge ties with foreign regimes like I do," McCain said, with increasing agitation. "I've been to...

• Nothing may be asked of Governor Palin that ends in a question mark.
• Reporters must stand at least thirty yards from the governor at all times. This has nothing to do with her looking less confused from further away. Nothing at all. It has to do with personal space. And...

In the altogether likely event that Palin is elected into office and the Republicans prove once again that the American public is, in fact, still as dumb as they hoped, here are some unfortunate glimpses into what we can expect.

Given the recent environmental concerns about the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing, we, the Chinese Olympic Committee, would like to assure you that all necessary precautions have been taken to guarantee the grandest and the safest Olympics the world has ever seen. Even Mother Nature's mysterious, unprovoked assault on our...