Sex And The American Mom: 1 In 3 Report Getting Action On The Side

You or someone you know is having an affair. We know, it sounds surprising, shocking even, but apparently that is the case. Cookie Magazine and "AOL Body" did a survey on the subject and 30,000 people responded. As far as surveys go, that is a big number, and it's even bigger when you consider that their questions were aimed solely at married women with children. Yep, lots of mommies are getting action on the side.

The survey, "Sex and the American Mom," revealed that 34% of these married moms is in the midst of, or has already had, an affair. Think of three married moms you know and ask yourself, "Which one is cheating?" We tried this and Colleen came up empty. Taylor could think of one or two, but not one out of three--that number seems staggering. Are we just naïve? In the dark? Out of touch? Which of our friends has managed to stray without anyone knowing (and when do they find the time and where they hell do they go?)?

Another somewhat mind-blowing result of this survey was that 77% of the respondents said they want more sex. That's more than three quarters of the 30,000 women asked who said they aren't getting enough. Again, we ask, who are these people? And are we to conclude that so many stray because they are not sexually satisfied?

Cheating seems to be a direct result of not getting what you need, be it sex, attention, openness, what have you. If there is a void, and it can be filled by someone else, chances are it will be. Affairs used to almost guarantee a trip to divorce court. Today, however, the "cheatee" might experience a sense of betrayal, but the "cheater" is not necessarily stigmatized socially, and often both agree to at least attempt reconciliation. It has even been viewed as a "wake-up call" -- one that can actually save a marriage, with each person expressing a sense of shared blame.

As a society, it seems as though we've become less judgmental about affairs in general. Maybe we've realized how hard marriage is and have simply gotten more realistic. But, maybe the scope of the issue is bigger, and what's happening is that we're in the midst of redefining marriage as we have known it.

The stereotype, of course, is if there's someone sneaking around in a marriage, it's the guy. In general, no one is surprised to hear that men cheat on their wives. However, when it comes to wives cheating on their husbands, while not entirely new, it is much more common than we thought. When we told men that one in three married moms cheat (or have cheated) on their husbands, and that a solid majority are actually looking for more sex than they're having at home, most mens' eyes light up with surprise and certainly curiosity. Some even joked about where they might find one of these gals. But, what we didn't hear was "Yes, I can understand that. I'm not in the mood very often and I'm probably not satisfying my wife's sexual desires."

Could the American male be suffering from a proverbial "headache?" Maybe the insatiable male sex drive is just a myth? After hearing what Michelle Weiner-Davis, an internationally recognized relationship therapist and the Director of The Divorce Busting Center, had to say in an interview with Psychology Today, this may not be far-fetched. She thinks we don't hear a lot about the man's lack of sexual interest because, "Men are so ashamed of speaking up about [it]." Estimating that it affects, "at least 20 to 25%" of adult males," Michelle adds, "...low desire in men is America's best-kept secret."

Please don't confuse our effort to understand what's going on here with male-bashing. When a couple's sex life changes, for better or worse, generally both parties are complicit. For the record, we love men and we're aware that sex is complicated. Let's face it, marriage is complicated, and it only becomes more so after having kids. If mom or dad feels rejected by the other, he or she may cheat. And if you're married and you've got kids, you know that sex, or lack there of, can be loaded with a lot of other emotions and agendas that don't have anything to do with lust, or even love.

As the Hook-Up Generation grows up and gets married, chances are affairs may even go mainstream. It's hard for us to believe that this won't lead to hurt feelings and collateral damage (remember the kids), but maybe that's because we're from a different generation.
We understand that the person who lies just outside of the daily grind--the one who's not figuring out how to pay the mortgage that month; the one who isn't angry about spending too little time with the kids--can seem like a vacation worth taking--at least once.

We're glad to hear that women want more sex, because frankly, it's good news that the female libido is alive and well. As for the affairs....If we could add one question to the poll it would be this: "Is/Was the Affair Worth It? "

Comments

[Orikinla]

A Friend in America told me that two things are cheap in America; food and American women.

The fact is, American wives are more unfaithful than American husbands. That is why they are showing "Desperate Housewives" on American TV.

I do not blame them, but the celebration of extra-marital affairs on TV.
Being shamelessly unfaithful is celebrated as having a love affair.
There is a great difference between a love affair and a sex affair.
There is no love, but lust in most cases of extra-marital affairs.

Women love sampling different men.

[disgusted48]

Question. Did these so called "affairs" involve an actual third person?

[popmanifesto]

My theory is that cheating is less often simply about sex as it is the one thing your spouse can never give you - the thrill of a new romance. That kind of rush is very powerful and one that many people can't resist, especially people who are at a low point of some kind or who are feeling old or unattractive or unappreciated or overworked or stuck or... etc., etc., etc.

[tdterry1999]

where are these moms at.

[TOOO]

I've always believed that the number one cause of divorce is... marriage. Seriously, though, I've seen far too many people rush into relationships for looks, money, sex, loneliness - rarely out of love.

For myself, it seems the only women I can attract are either golddiggers or head cases. Also, even though there are plenty of decent guys around, most women seem attracted to jerks. My guess: it's what they see in the media, and they don't want to "miss out".

It seems to me that a lot of women are brought to date for looks, marry for money, and then cheat for everything else. For the record, I don't hate women, in fact, I seem to get along better with women than I do with men. But, as one poster noted earlier, getting told you're a "nice guy" is usually the death knell for a relationship.

[cdg02001]

I want to respond to the incorrect "scientific" and "biological" arguments being made here. Humans are not naturally polygamous, but rather are naturally monogamous with polygamous instincts. ie it's natural for us to want to settle down, but it's also natural that we face temptations and want to practice infidelity .

Anger and rage are also natural urges of ours, but no one encourages us to strike out at strangers over a percieved slight. I would argue that primates most like humans in mating patterns - the ones that form pair bonds but have been shown to stray about once a year - are animals. They have nowhere near the ability to empathize with their mates and cannot understand what their infidelity would do to the other (though they themselves would be angry and jealous if cheated on).

The point is this - we should know better than to willingly decieve and hurt our mates. If you believe monogamy "isn't natural" - fine, enter into an open or polygamous relationship where everyone knows what's at stake. But don't enter into a monogamous relationship and decieve the other person (short or homicide or rape, I believe that's the worst thing you could do to a person).

I, for one, want to wind up sitting in a rocking chair, stairing at the sunset with my wife, knowing that I love her and trust her, just as she does me, and that we've never strayed from each other. I'm not naive or codependent.

[oogabooga]

America's views on sex are confused, hypocritical, bizarre and backwards as well. On the one hand, we ridicule politicians and movie stars who sleep around, yet we also berate people who don't. Our society is drenched in sex and violence because we perversely celebrate both. How about turning the volume down on both?

[K-Dog76]

oogabooga, its not our society its the world... we are after all just animals, I learned that when I studied evolution. Sex and violence? Didn't they invent sex in Italy and France and Violence in the middle East?

Come on, the whole world is just Rome waiting for the fall all over again. This time the Barbations at the gate will be religious radicals coming out of caves and flying planes into buildings and blowing off nukes

[arevolutionofone]

How about the very simple fact that over time people loose interest in each other and find something new tempting and exciting. It's something we can admit to in every aspect of life except sex and marriage. If it were a car, or your favorite meal, or anything else in the world we could state the obvious. I know this, I've had it a thousand times, I'm tired of it. It doesn't make you a bad person. Doesn't mean you should cheat. It's simply human. But intellectually dishonest discussions like this on the topic have an inherent moralizing tone by omission. The assumption if you get tired of the person you've committed to sexually for life, it must be low libido, or kids, or any other excuse you can think of but the obvious one. Maybe they got fat. Maybe they turned out not to be the person you thought the were when you married them, are boring, stupid or just an asshole so you got tired of them. Maybe you got fat or you're the asshole. You may still love them and simply not find them as exciting sexually. People also change. I'm not saying it's a reason to get divorced, or cheat or have an open marriage. But you have to be honest about the obvious or the entire discussion is just plain idiotic.

[drurylane]

I'm not sure this study's findings are valid. I have questions about the self-reporting part, to be sure ... the ratio of 1:3 sounds far too high to be believable. Also, how many married women will honestly answer "yes" to the affair question? This doesn't sound right to me.

[uhappytoo]

Self-selected responses do not make much of a scientific survey. To assert that such a biased sample applies equally to the general population is completely bogus.

[maggiemae656]

Adultery is possibly the ultimate betrayal that can occur between two human beings. The rate at which this occurs, whether perpetrated by the man or the woman, is disgusting. You can only surmise why the world has become such a cruel place, when you can't even trust the person who has committed themselves to you through a marriage. Sounds like a good case to do away with marriage--what's the point? And there should definitely be no children in an uncommitted marriage. We are witnessing first hand the effects of broken homes on children. Some people seem to think that monogamy is unnatural--I wonder why children are so effected by the split up of their parents if nature didn't intend for their parents to raise them jointly?

[rachaelisacancer]

Children are so affected because they are taught from birth that they are supposed to have a mommy and a daddy who love them forever and always.

It's the fact that they are told that lie that affects them so greatly. If everyone was just honest about the difficulty of relationship and the trials of an ever-changing world, environment and circumstances, it wouldn't be so hard for kids to move on just like everyone else.

It's not nature that intends for parents to raise a child jointly, it's societal responsibility.

[WisconSinnerCrat]

HOLLA!!! WE WANT PRE-NUP (WE WANT PRE-NUP!!)

[WisconSinnerCrat]

Hahaha, most of the posts ive read soo far have that sound of a married couple fighting. "its not the women, its the men" or the other way around. On the first page of comments someone made the weak argument that this high female infidelity rate is the result of a 90% male infidelity rate. This is an outrageous assumption, and the stats. i have read put the male infidelity rate LOWER than 34%. So why do all of these women cheat? Because they grow comfortable with their husband and it is no longer exciting. Everyone knows how it feels after a break-up when you finally meet someone new. It is fun and exciting. Add in a little bit of secrecy and some good sex and you've got justification for just about any woman. Women in general cater to their emotions. Unfortunately these stats reflect the female expectation of a perfect man. The unrealistic belief that a man will live up to every woman's fairy-tale expectations leads to disappointment, and eventually the search for a new relationship. Sorry to say, but the next guy and the next guy will eventually forget trivial holidays like "sweetest day" just like the husband they cheated on originally. It is a fact of life. Things become comfortable, and eventually boring in a marriage. Finally some stats. that show men are NOT the only ones who grow bored of their spouse.

[rikkirighteous]

People of character are hard to find.

[prisoner24601]

Wow, we're being so nice, is it because we are talking about women cheating. I will be looking forward to see such a positive protrayal of cheeting men in an upcomming edition of the huffingtonpost! Wow again, the author is trying to say that no male bashing is intended, but does everything possible to blame men and leave women off the hook. I guess male bashing is such the norm this day, that the people doing it don't realize it.