Sex And The American Mom: 1 In 3 Report Getting Action On The Side

You or someone you know is having an affair. We know, it sounds surprising, shocking even, but apparently that is the case. Cookie Magazine and "AOL Body" did a survey on the subject and 30,000 people responded. As far as surveys go, that is a big number, and it's even bigger when you consider that their questions were aimed solely at married women with children. Yep, lots of mommies are getting action on the side.

The survey, "Sex and the American Mom," revealed that 34% of these married moms is in the midst of, or has already had, an affair. Think of three married moms you know and ask yourself, "Which one is cheating?" We tried this and Colleen came up empty. Taylor could think of one or two, but not one out of three--that number seems staggering. Are we just naïve? In the dark? Out of touch? Which of our friends has managed to stray without anyone knowing (and when do they find the time and where they hell do they go?)?

Another somewhat mind-blowing result of this survey was that 77% of the respondents said they want more sex. That's more than three quarters of the 30,000 women asked who said they aren't getting enough. Again, we ask, who are these people? And are we to conclude that so many stray because they are not sexually satisfied?

Cheating seems to be a direct result of not getting what you need, be it sex, attention, openness, what have you. If there is a void, and it can be filled by someone else, chances are it will be. Affairs used to almost guarantee a trip to divorce court. Today, however, the "cheatee" might experience a sense of betrayal, but the "cheater" is not necessarily stigmatized socially, and often both agree to at least attempt reconciliation. It has even been viewed as a "wake-up call" -- one that can actually save a marriage, with each person expressing a sense of shared blame.

As a society, it seems as though we've become less judgmental about affairs in general. Maybe we've realized how hard marriage is and have simply gotten more realistic. But, maybe the scope of the issue is bigger, and what's happening is that we're in the midst of redefining marriage as we have known it.

The stereotype, of course, is if there's someone sneaking around in a marriage, it's the guy. In general, no one is surprised to hear that men cheat on their wives. However, when it comes to wives cheating on their husbands, while not entirely new, it is much more common than we thought. When we told men that one in three married moms cheat (or have cheated) on their husbands, and that a solid majority are actually looking for more sex than they're having at home, most mens' eyes light up with surprise and certainly curiosity. Some even joked about where they might find one of these gals. But, what we didn't hear was "Yes, I can understand that. I'm not in the mood very often and I'm probably not satisfying my wife's sexual desires."

Could the American male be suffering from a proverbial "headache?" Maybe the insatiable male sex drive is just a myth? After hearing what Michelle Weiner-Davis, an internationally recognized relationship therapist and the Director of The Divorce Busting Center, had to say in an interview with Psychology Today, this may not be far-fetched. She thinks we don't hear a lot about the man's lack of sexual interest because, "Men are so ashamed of speaking up about [it]." Estimating that it affects, "at least 20 to 25%" of adult males," Michelle adds, "...low desire in men is America's best-kept secret."

Please don't confuse our effort to understand what's going on here with male-bashing. When a couple's sex life changes, for better or worse, generally both parties are complicit. For the record, we love men and we're aware that sex is complicated. Let's face it, marriage is complicated, and it only becomes more so after having kids. If mom or dad feels rejected by the other, he or she may cheat. And if you're married and you've got kids, you know that sex, or lack there of, can be loaded with a lot of other emotions and agendas that don't have anything to do with lust, or even love.

As the Hook-Up Generation grows up and gets married, chances are affairs may even go mainstream. It's hard for us to believe that this won't lead to hurt feelings and collateral damage (remember the kids), but maybe that's because we're from a different generation.
We understand that the person who lies just outside of the daily grind--the one who's not figuring out how to pay the mortgage that month; the one who isn't angry about spending too little time with the kids--can seem like a vacation worth taking--at least once.

We're glad to hear that women want more sex, because frankly, it's good news that the female libido is alive and well. As for the affairs....If we could add one question to the poll it would be this: "Is/Was the Affair Worth It? "

Comments

[jazkiljok]

Lesson learned- 1 in 3 married women in this country- married the wrong guy.

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

OK. That was really funny AND clever.

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

Oh and true. I am astonished at my married friends and their non-existent sex lives. Not only are these women gorgeous, but they're smart, assertive and down right sexy.

They DEFINITELY married the wrong men.

[capitalismisntamoral]

arevolutionofone - has it right above. People just get tired of the same ole.

Show me the most beautiful, sexy woman in the world, and I'll show you
the guy next to her who's tired of bangin her. And that's without
children, time pressure, etc etc.

[Bobrobert]

Interesting.

Don't believe it myself.

Interesting none the less.

I am afraid that maybe the increased sex is between the moms... that much sex guys would be bragging about all the time.

Take care and have fun. (no pun intended)

[hiNY]

Let me tell you what is happening! it is the chicken and the egg thing. These cheating women's men are having sex with other cheating women, so the men are not having enough sex with their women, and the women go to have sex with other married men that will in turn not have sex with their own women... Get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What an ideal situation of cause and effect!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hilarious

[K-Dog76]

hiNY brilliant observation

[Beatcomber]

Find out what turns on your spouse and you will never need an affair.

Also don't say no to sex. If tired, you just say "give me 30 minutes honey" and then get into the mood.

[Beatcomber]

So married women with children can be cheating skunks too. How shocking that all those cheating men have cheating women to cheat with.

[emsique]

surveys are not polls and should not be considered an accurate reflection on reality. In order for this to be accurate, a group of say 500 married with children women would be chosen at random and then questioned. These surveys can be answered by anyone including 13 year old boys and can also be answered countless times by the same person. This is a glaring example of what is wrong with today's media.

[InternationalObserver]

I totally agree with you, but even so 30,000 respondents is quite impressive.

[DRaymond]

Really? A bot can generate thirty thousand respondents quite quickly. Get mentioned in the right websites using a racy title and thirty thousand responses is no problem.

[Tyrione]

Start at 1000 and you will achieve the +/-5% standard deviation. Less just weakens the binomial distribution curve and thus nullifying the results.

[Mikesacola]

One out of three is about right. She's slim and cares about how she looks and wants to feel, and actually be, sexy. The other two are content to waddle around the supermart with their lookalike mom sampling all the pastry, pie and pizza freebies as they gather up their processed artery-clogging groceries. And of course ALWAYS buy the mag on the way out that has the latest diet craze. Because tomorrow they will just knock their lard-assed husband dead with their new 70 lb lighter body - and then seduce the grease-monkey next door just for thrills - in their dreams.

[livesimply]

You must be a real prize!

[hughbetcha]

Men haven't lost any sex drive. This old argument of sex starved wives always dances around the truth. The truth is men get extremely bored having sex with the same woman - no matter how beautiful - and they will always, ALWAYS seek out a new sex partner if they think they can get away with it. No guy is `too tired' for sex if he's got someone new in bed with him. No one wants to admit this because its painful for most wives to accept that their husband is most likely got bored having sex with them a year or so after saying I do. Sorry but its true.

[HepsibahStarbuck]

It IS true, and it can be true for both men and women.

[Lurlie]

If your sex doesn't get better and more intense the more you do it with the same person then you're just not doing it right. Try to stay in the moment a little more. Be really *present* with your partner. Communicate with each other about what you like, maybe even *during* sex. Have a filthy good time. Intensity is way better than novelty.

[CarbonDate]

Well, a man can be too tired if he just got down two minutes ago. A woman with an insatiable appetite sounds great on paper, but just wait until you've given every last ounce of energy to the effort and she starts cooing for "more".

[doodlefarbe]

carbondate: "A woman with an insatiable appetite sounds great on paper, but just wait until you've given every last ounce of energy to the effort and she starts cooing for "more"."

That's why I finally broke it off with her. After 18 months of 3, 4X/day I just couldn't take it anymore.

I apologize for not warning you she was coming your way next...

[laurelnyc]

hmmm, hughbetcha, has it ever occurred to you that women get BORED sleeping with the same guy all the time too? sorry to break it to you, but everyone gets far more excited about having sex with someone new. it has nothing to do with gender.

[K-Dog76]

laurelnyc... you are speaking the truth. But answer me this, why are women always trying to "trap" a man in a relationship? Its a generalization, but I'd say women are usually looking for a commitment, otherwise they wouldn't be talking about "where this relationship is going" all the time. It usally gets to the point where everything is about "the relationship" and not enjoying each other's time.

Nice to know once they get their kids they're ready to romp again. Apparently one in three married women really only wanted a DNA sample and a butler instead of a husband...

[ipv4]

Dam, I wish my wife was one of those women that wanted it more. I am seriously jealous. I'd be lucky if got it more then 3 times a "quarter".

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

... and twice more if the games goes into overtime.

ba-da-BOOM.

[mattashell]

Now that's funny!

[Zeusthunderbolt]

well, according to the study, at least she is getting it.

[nyboomer]

Nearly 2 decades ago a British university did a genetic study of a group of residents in a counsel estate. It was discovered that 40% of the children were not fathered by the man of the house. Seems like monogamy might go the way of the dodo.

[booksnmore4you]

The study makes for good hype fodder, but it is not a scientific study. I just took it and I am a man. I made up my answers.

[OGWiseman]

You're taking a survey done by AOL Body and Cookie Magazine and generalizing it to culture in general...come on. You mention that 30,000 people responded, but you fail to point out that it was not actively polled -- Meaning people had to submit their answers rather than be called at random.

Ask yourself what kind of women respond to a survey like that. Isn't it likely that women who HAVE had affairs are going to respond in greater numbers than women who haven't?

I also challenge your conclusion that "cheating is a direct result of not getting what you need" along these same lines. You're poling women that have cheated on their husbands...Are you really that surprised to find that they claim to be unsatisfied? I personally am less than shocked that no women responded with "Well, I'm just a bad person. I can't be trusted."

You then write that this may represent a shift in the cultural attitude towards acceptance of affairs. I'm 25 years old, I've had plenty of random hook ups, and let me assure you that I do not accept, condone, or tolerate infidelity. If a girlfriend cheats on me, it's over. If my wife cheats on me, it'll end in divorce. If anything has changed about my generation, it's not a permissive attitude, it's a lack of self-respect.

[Ori]

Well said.

[K-Dog76]

so it means 1 in 3 married women with children who use AOL are cheaters, likely someone they were chatting with online....

Men, sign your wives up with earthlink instead!

[Pollitrix]

PzNic

I don't think cheating has anything to do with you political association. I don't lib's cheat more than conservatives. When your eyes are wondering I don't think whether you voted for Bush or Kerry comes up.

[pznic]

No, of course you're right that political values have no bearing on infidelity. It's just that the post is typically viewed as an outlet for Democratic, if not wholey liberal, values. This study isn't even a study by scientific standards; it just reads more like a call for increased relativism in morality. Certainly our eyes wander, and when you find yourself actively desiring partners other than your mate, it means your relationship is in trouble and if you want to save it, you should take action and communicate to your partner. But being bored isn't an excuse to lie and cheat. The article seems to be floating the idea that cheating is a healthy thing, and being that it's on here, I guess I worry that it's seen as representative of the general mindset of those who share these political waters. I mean, I'm left of center, non-religious, and a Democrat, but I frequently meet people (my colleagues in academia, most prominently) whose behavior is so far gone into the realm of unreason that I want to say, 'You're the reason people become republicans.' That was not the case with this article, probably. I just disagree with its attempt to vindicate cheating.

[Counterglow]

It's more about who you're cheating WITH. The evidence would seem to indicate that if you're a Republican, it's probably some guy in a men's room.

Sorry...cheap laugh.....couldn't resist.

[pznic]

Why do women label their wants as 'needs'? You don't NEED attention; you WANT attention. If your vows were contingent on having your wants constantly satisfied, then you shouldn't have gotten married. This is the kind of stuff that Republicans could use as recruitment tools, like Nora Ephron's last, bat-shit crazy post. All they need to do is print out copies and hand them out to libertarians and independent voters. Christ.

[OnTheCusp]

Uh, if men have "needs" then yeah, women have "needs," too. Women actually NEED sex to be happy. Why is that so hard to get? Humans need sex and sexual attention. If you have a wife, I hope she knows that there are some men out there who will satisfy her "needs" and not just talk down to her about what she "wants."

[HepsibahStarbuck]

ooo SNAP, baby!

[K-Dog76]

Onthecusp
I hope she knows that there are some men out there who will satisfy her "needs" and not just talk down to her about what she "wants."

hmmm, maybe its not that he's talking down to her about what she "wants" but rather mentally blocking out the stream of "nags"

Nothing is a bigger turn-off than being told what to do all the time. From my observations its the female of the species who calls the shots, whats for dinner, how to dress where to go who to hang out with how to decorate and so on...

I think this goes on more after children are born, the man withdraws she cheats... with someone who she isn't telling whats for dinner, how to dress where to go who to hang out with how to decorate and so on...

[Tyrione]

As a Libertarian I wouldn't accept bribes to join either the Republican nor Democratic parties.

[ohiodem250]

You know, I'm an ardent Democrat and I choose to be because of economic inequality and civil rights. That being said, receiving the news from this article that when someone cheats in a relationship there's a "shared blame" and that my generation is called the "Hook-Up Generation" and that we might take affairs "mainstream" is enough to turn me into a Republican. Just because I'm a Democrat doesn't null and void my views as a Catholic. As a 23 year-old male this article disgusts me. I'm no puritan - I understand people engage in pre-marital sex, I understand birth control and approve of it, I understand living with a partner before your married. However, an affair being a "wake-up call" is ridiculous and shows that the sacrament of marriage is being torn down [by the way, I'm for gay marriage]. Where's the sense of duty, the compromise, the sacrifice, and especially where's the communication and openness? The "wake-up call" should be the desire to cheat - at which point the couple should be honest with each other and see if there's anything they can work on, if not, get a divorce and then start another relationship. It's called "cheating" for a reason!

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Unfortunately, people are fallible. And I'm not talking about the cheating. I'm talking about how naive it is to assume that imperfect humans being herded into marriage are capable of being more honest with their partners... than they are capable of being with themselves.

Thought experiment: How many people -- when standing at the altar -- look at their betrothed and think, "Someday I will be a cheater?" Then look at the stats.

[AnotherToerag]

I agree that the "wake-up call" should be the desire to cheat, but life and relationships and marriages are not that simple. I believe what the writer is intending in the article is to say that times have changed and no longer does cheating almost always result in divorce or separation. Married couples are now more understanding - cheating is usually a major deterrent to the relationship, but instead of an automatic divorce, couples are working together to try to find out why their partner cheated and working through that by improving in communicating wants and needs. Marriage and parenthood are not easy, it takes a lot of work to keep the relationships healthy.

I also think that everybody sometimes gets the cheating impulse, even if it's brief and fleeting and the intention and/or desire to cheat isn't there.

[OnTheCusp]

Dude, if you "become" a republican it won't stop anyone from having affairs or guarantee that you won't ever get cheated on. You're disgusted because why? And really, WTF does being a republican have to do with cheating or not? No one, no class, no religion, no gender, no generation or political affiliation has a lock on morality. And if you do "turn into" a republican, will that mean you turn your back on civil rights?

[ohiodem250]

I wasn't really going to become a Republican - just shocked at how lightly some posters were treating it - HuffPost being a liberal leaning website I thought that's how I'd express it.

[Zeusthunderbolt]

you are 23 , and need to be married for 10 years, and feel the desperation, loneliness, absurdity, emptiness, the put downs, and the gradual awaremness of a youth lost, creeping old age, and no love to show for the years of input into a marrriage to realize and understand affairs, cheating, and attempts at secrecy to not hurt the partner, preserve the memories, and a hold on to a lost past.

[ohiodem250]

Yeah, most everyone responding to my comment is right. I don't know what it's like to be married and I'm sure it's more work than I realize - I don't think I'm naive. But can't a brother think it's going to better than what I'm reading? If anything this article put a fire under my ass to be an even better man than I am currently. Thanks for the reality, all. I promise I'm more compassionate in real life.

[Tyrione]

If after ten years a person labels themselves as creeping old age, by the ripe old age of 33, then I suggest you leave this planet and let the rest of us enjoy the O2.

On a less bluntly sarcastic note, if it takes you ten years of being treated like a doormat then you really need to stop blaming the a-hole stepping on you and get out already.

[OnTheCusp]

Oh man, did you say it correctly! I was going to say it, but I didn't want him to get too bummed.