Sex And The American Mom: 1 In 3 Report Getting Action On The Side
You or someone you know is having an affair. We know, it sounds surprising, shocking even, but apparently that is the case. Cookie Magazine and "AOL Body" did a survey on the subject and 30,000 people responded. As far as surveys go, that is a big number, and it's even bigger when you consider that their questions were aimed solely at married women with children. Yep, lots of mommies are getting action on the side.
The survey, "Sex and the American Mom," revealed that 34% of these married moms is in the midst of, or has already had, an affair. Think of three married moms you know and ask yourself, "Which one is cheating?" We tried this and Colleen came up empty. Taylor could think of one or two, but not one out of three--that number seems staggering. Are we just naïve? In the dark? Out of touch? Which of our friends has managed to stray without anyone knowing (and when do they find the time and where they hell do they go?)?
Another somewhat mind-blowing result of this survey was that 77% of the respondents said they want more sex. That's more than three quarters of the 30,000 women asked who said they aren't getting enough. Again, we ask, who are these people? And are we to conclude that so many stray because they are not sexually satisfied?
Cheating seems to be a direct result of not getting what you need, be it sex, attention, openness, what have you. If there is a void, and it can be filled by someone else, chances are it will be. Affairs used to almost guarantee a trip to divorce court. Today, however, the "cheatee" might experience a sense of betrayal, but the "cheater" is not necessarily stigmatized socially, and often both agree to at least attempt reconciliation. It has even been viewed as a "wake-up call" -- one that can actually save a marriage, with each person expressing a sense of shared blame.
As a society, it seems as though we've become less judgmental about affairs in general. Maybe we've realized how hard marriage is and have simply gotten more realistic. But, maybe the scope of the issue is bigger, and what's happening is that we're in the midst of redefining marriage as we have known it.
The stereotype, of course, is if there's someone sneaking around in a marriage, it's the guy. In general, no one is surprised to hear that men cheat on their wives. However, when it comes to wives cheating on their husbands, while not entirely new, it is much more common than we thought. When we told men that one in three married moms cheat (or have cheated) on their husbands, and that a solid majority are actually looking for more sex than they're having at home, most mens' eyes light up with surprise and certainly curiosity. Some even joked about where they might find one of these gals. But, what we didn't hear was "Yes, I can understand that. I'm not in the mood very often and I'm probably not satisfying my wife's sexual desires."
Could the American male be suffering from a proverbial "headache?" Maybe the insatiable male sex drive is just a myth? After hearing what Michelle Weiner-Davis, an internationally recognized relationship therapist and the Director of The Divorce Busting Center, had to say in an interview with Psychology Today, this may not be far-fetched. She thinks we don't hear a lot about the man's lack of sexual interest because, "Men are so ashamed of speaking up about [it]." Estimating that it affects, "at least 20 to 25%" of adult males," Michelle adds, "...low desire in men is America's best-kept secret."
Please don't confuse our effort to understand what's going on here with male-bashing. When a couple's sex life changes, for better or worse, generally both parties are complicit. For the record, we love men and we're aware that sex is complicated. Let's face it, marriage is complicated, and it only becomes more so after having kids. If mom or dad feels rejected by the other, he or she may cheat. And if you're married and you've got kids, you know that sex, or lack there of, can be loaded with a lot of other emotions and agendas that don't have anything to do with lust, or even love.
As the Hook-Up Generation grows up and gets married, chances are affairs may even go mainstream. It's hard for us to believe that this won't lead to hurt feelings and collateral damage (remember the kids), but maybe that's because we're from a different generation.
We understand that the person who lies just outside of the daily grind--the one who's not figuring out how to pay the mortgage that month; the one who isn't angry about spending too little time with the kids--can seem like a vacation worth taking--at least once.
We're glad to hear that women want more sex, because frankly, it's good news that the female libido is alive and well. As for the affairs....If we could add one question to the poll it would be this: "Is/Was the Affair Worth It? "
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Cheating is probably not natural, boredom is. Not communicating needs is, I am sure women or men don't wake up and say this it this is the day I am going to do it.
As mates we have to listen and hear that the other is needing something. Open marriage, shouldn't be a marriage with other but open to try what your mate needs. Try it if you do not like it, say so. Who knows you might find you do. If your libido is down take a pill sip a drink, DO SOMETHING.
If you don't this is one of the reasons, why the eyes wonder.
Pollitrix gets it!
Monogamy is difficult but that doesn't mean it's not natural. Scientists have discovered species that are monogamous, as they have discovered species that are promiscuous, i.e., engage in sex even when it's not mating time.
The difference between human beings and the animal world is not a difference in degree but a difference in kind.
Humans struggle with their desires, something I doubt animals do, and they commit themselves in ways that demonstrate that difference in kind from the animal world.
I'd love to get laid as often as I can with a variety of partners. And to be honest, I have been unfaithful. It never had anything to do with what my wife was or wasn't "giving me".
It had to do with rationalizing away the vows I'd made and giving into something that, had I back away for just a while, would've passed.
It's great not to make judgements on people, because each of us has failed in many ways.
But it's not so great to rationalize a real or imagined increase in adultery as an indication that the other partner has failed, or worse that we're just not "wired" for monogamy.
Eternal Fidelity is not natural in Nature, period. But that aside, being bored isn't a reason to just bang someone other than your spouse. Don't even mention the care for girlfriends or boyfriends--if they think fidelity is part of the temporary dating relationship then they truly are dense. The only time you have any true right to demand fidelity is when you make the conscious decision to be faithful with your other half; and that is only a civil union, regardless of what religious affiliation decrees is a blessed and sacred moment for Eternity before God, blah, blah, blah.
God could be a Frog, a Toad, an Eagle, a Sky, a Beyond the Void or more realistically All Existence and No Existence, but that bores people into thinking.
It is monogamy that is not natural. Anyone who thinks that it is is just uncomfortable with their own sexuality. If monogamy was natural, it wouldn't be so damn much work, now would it? For lot's of men, this is the hardest part of being married. That's why stag parties exist...because men know that monagamy (probably!) sucks, if for no other reason than their wife won't.
I am not surprised. Americans, specially the women, are increasingly becoming more selfish and hedonistic. For women, it could be because of their newfound prosperity and independence. Stoicism and self-disciple has become a thing of the past. In the new global society we are entering, this will bound to have many repercussions.
oh my gosh, the wimmins are getting uppity!
Time to bring back the Barefoot + Preggers + In the Kitchen that so thrilled cavemen everywhere once upon a time.
So women must be stoic and not prosperous, or look after themselves and their needs?
Sounds like you might be happier if women thought about MEN before themselves, and what better way to keep them chained to men if their newfound prosperity vanished?
I'll buy the restriction as soon as men submit to the same rules women have had to play under. Or are you advocating a double standard?
It should be the same standard for both. But women seem so giddy with their new ‘power’ they seem unable to wield it wisely. I see this happening in literally all aspects of life. Also women tend to confuse ‘wants’ with ‘needs’. Two completely different things!
I welcome these Hedonistic Women of America! The problem is that timing is everything and I'm one half generation early to truly enjoy the fruits of such conquest.
Yes, I could find a *uck buddy, married and lonely but having been married I find it gutless and weak that you can't either get a divorce or express the desire to fix what is broken, or at least be honest that you yourself want more than just your partner.
You won't be flamed for your honesty and probably 1 in every 100 spouses would find the idea of an open marriage kinky, but at least you wouldn't be blind siding your spouse with, "Did I mention I cheated on you and contracted Herpes?''
Be responsible for the choices you make and the consequences you create.
If you truly find the notion of fidelity to be constricting then what the hell are you getting married in the first place. Respect yourself and others by making choices that adhere to how you truly see life and stop pretending. You may miss out on someone who just can't swing your way but they will at least respect your choice of living life according to your own path.
Besides, what would all those marriage counselors do if people were truly mature and able to be responsible?
Who am I kidding? You can lead a horse to water but you can't convince them to drink from the Well.
Just what I look for in a woman - Stoicism! Afterall, for a woman to put up with me she of course needs the self-disciple of a monk - and you know waht their sex lives are like. Maybe this all makes sense. Maybe?
Men truly depend on their women to make them feel manly. Its why married men look so attractive to women. A happily married man walks with a swagger that only comes from knowing a woman believes that he is her world. A swagger that comes from a man knowing that a wife at home feels secure just in the knowledge that a man would move heaven and earth for her. The best part is, its the wife that fosters this aspect of a relationship. That is also why it is doubly disconcerting when a woman makes attempts on a married man. A good woman did all the work to build up the confidence and swagger of a man, only for some lazy woman to try to soil the bond the married couple made.
And you'll probably be lambasted on this site for being pig-headed or old-fashioned. But I say hear here!
I totally agree.
'The best part is, its the WIFE that fosters this aspect of a relationship.' says jrockbg.
Has it occurred to anyone posting here that what's good for the gander might be good for the goose? She's busy knocking herself out to boost a man, but who puts confidence into the woman? Who puts a swagger in HER step? Oh yeah! "That's the best part! It's the WIFE that fosters this aspect of a relationship!!!"
I'm here to tell you, this lack of pumping up a woman is why mom is always pissed off. It is also why women cheat. Drain yourself out for a man for years with nothing in return and see if you're not looking around for something "greener."
I remember my grandmother saying "Women would rule the world if they only had WIVES!"
My only point is that "we" overbearing , crude, hard-headed, prideful men fall to nothing without a woman making him feel like a man. The very essence of man is to please his woman as he always tried to please his mother. Look at how the Tony Soprano character bent over backwards to please an irrational mother. Look at how Mother's day is more celebrated and adhered to than Father's Day! When a woman takes care of a man she will get reciprocity. If she doesn't, then HE is not a man.
Why should anybody care if Moms wants to whore around-IMO the stat is not surprising when 85% of these women are medicated to the gills (often with multiple prescriptions). Good deal for single guys.
Good deal for single guys...if they plan on staying single. Marraige in this country is crumbling and it's because we enter into it for the wrong reasons or we don't work on loving our spouse. Not to mention these people are having kids. It's a horrible example to set. The divorce rate in this country is reaching the social epidemic levels of black single-motherhood in this country. Entire generations will suffer unless we pay attention to this issue. So that's why I care.
Stow the racism. Most single moms are white.
And it sends such a good example for the kids. Who more are growing up having less morals than their cheating parents. Mom and Dad cheats at work, on taxes, steals from work or others, take drugs, drink tons of alcohol, have sex with tons of people. So the kids grow up to not only do this, but add to it. For instance , the huge surge in oral sex amongst kids 10 years and up. What is up with this? Its that they learn from example. I have nothing against Oral sex, giving or accepting. But when young kids think its fine to do with just about anyone, that is a problem. But besides the point, we , as a nation, are raising a generation that will be 10 times more promiscuous, more greedy, more selfish than we thought possible. And they are learning it not from TV, not from Music, but from us, the parents.
As a man married to a Mom - I care.
"Could the American male be suffering from a proverbial "headache?""
Interesting question. First off, you have to find out who all the women that claim to be having affairs are having them with. Second, rather than guessing why men seem to be losing interest in sex, ask them why. Maybe their bride gained 50 or so pounds since they married. Maybe he found out what a bitch she really is. Maybe he found out that she has little interest in him or that's she one of the 33% that is banging someone else. I hate "studies like this because they are jaded, inaccurate, incomplete and consequently a complete waste of time. This "research" is more suitable for the National Enquirer than anything else.
Also I would suspect that the "American Male" is greatly overworked and overstressed to the point of having a low libido.
Lies, deceit, and a demonstrated lack of respect and care for both your children and partner. Nice how this is becoming an accepted cultural norm.
Oh goodness. Since when did marriage mean the right to own your spouse's genitals? The act of "cheating" shouldn't be viewed as who your spouse has sex with, but the fact that your souse doesn't tell you that they had sex with another person....the lying.
Someone made a comment earlier the reason why over 50% of marriages end in divorce is because one in three women have had affairs. On the contrary, it's probably because American's have such hang ups about sex and marriage.
Sex and money. Those 3 things are the basis of the American Family. Hardly anyone has any dedication to family anymore. Its all about personal fulfillment. How much and how good the sex is. How much money and or material things can one get out of it, Marriage is no longer happening out of love and the want to have a family. Its more a business decision based on profits and personal gain.
Just like with a job, when you dont get what you want, you leave. And many Americans, Male and Females, treat families as they would a job. Not happy, find another one.
Thanks, boomers!
Another Try, your right, marriage does not mean you own your spouses genitals. But trust and being faithful to each other is part of marriage. Unless its a marriage for personal gain and profit. If you enter into marriage like a business contract, then sure, I can see that. But if you enter into it out of love, and because you want to spend the rest of your life with that one person, I think its wrong to cheat. If we go by your philosophy, then there is nothing wrong with being married to multiply partners too. If thats the case, Mormons and polygamist rule.
As a man who is 46 and has never been married this amuses but doesn't surprise me. I've never married in part because I always new that I was a very sexual person and could never imagine myself wanting to just be with one lover for the rest of my life. Thus, I never married. Has it been difficult? Yes. Do I get chided by my married friends? Absolutely. But as someone who saw his parents divorce (more than once) as well as the parents of every friend I knew growning up get divorced, I always took marriage very seriously. In my mind I thought: If you need to cheat; don't marry; and if you need to marry; don't cheat. That's just a part of being a grown up.
"If you need to cheat; don't marry; and if you need to marry: don't cheat." Great line. This guy gets it.
fellow dem, i hope you are truly living that, and are so much more ahead of the game!
You sound like me 15 years ago. And though you didn't use the word, I did have plenty of "love" in my life, so that wasn't it.
But I wanted kids and met an amazing woman... who also wanted kids and thought I too was amazing. (That alone was amazing.)
If you don't want kids, don't want to be married, and haven't met someone who makes your heart zing to the point of rethinking kids or getting maritally institutionalized, by all means...
You really do get it! This is great - if more people were this honest with themselves and are in tune with their actual wants and needs, many failed marriages would have never even occurred in the first place. I think having never married and marriage probably both have about equal difficulties - but an entirely different set of difficulties altogether.
1970'S study showed that B G H (bovine growth hormone) run off from feed lots caused the fish down stream to have sexually problems. The female fish went into egg production before being fully matured and the male fish had smaller sexual organs.
Add to this all the female hormones used on foods and that from plastics that leach into foods not to mention the constant barrage of advertizments using sex to sell stuff the human machine is going to experience problems sexually.
Thats ok, there are european and Australian studies that show growth hormones in chicken causes early menstrual periods and breast in young girls, some as young as 7 or 8 are starting to have periods. The US will ignore these studies and say they need more study. Not because there evidence is overwhelming and obvious, but because corporations are profiting. And Corporate Profits trump everything else. Just like all the many problems BGH causes to humans and cows, the profits are to high to justify any thing being done about it. People are profits, nothing more, nothing else in the corporate eyes. And the corporations own the politicians.
"34% of these married moms is in the midst of, or has already had, an affair."
I guess that can help explain why the divorce rate is at about 50%.
That's usually caused by the 90% of married men out there getting some extra attention on the side.
Because out of 90% of those married men, 100% of their wives won't give it up and actually have sex with their husbands.
Psshh, someone sounds bitter.
As the majority of American women are entering and going thru perimenopause, they are confused. Testosterone levels are the first to fall. They then blame the husband for the lack of their sexual desires, increasing fatigue, and absentminded forgetfulness and look other places. As the estrogen levels begin to fluctuate, the mood goes along. depressed at times, irritated, frustrated, happy and satisfied at other times, they begin to loose sanity. You can see that the sweetness is going away, and bitterness and meanness is emerging. And ofcource, it is always the husbands fault, the depression must be the husband's fault, or society's for forcing her to sacrifice and somehow lead her to this bitter state of mind. This is accompanied by insomnia, fatigue, and progressive deterioration in relationships. maybe an affair can provide a temporary relief.
if we are talking about moms who are young, and have small kids , i am surprised by the findings. And do not comprehend how it is possible at all.
How many people who will read this post will be offended, will refuse to look around or within to say true or not true ? Most will do the typical bitter and hateful thing about labelling me as a joke or sexist, instead of intelectually agreeing or disagreeing and posting why.
let me be positive and presuppose a healthy discussion.
I think your sentiments about this being the result of the change in hormones caused by the onset in menopause is too simplistic. You say some interesting things about mood swings and how that may effect relationships. However, I think, as with most human problems there is not one cause nor one effect. Perhaps it could be the case that hormonal changes in women account for some of this cheating but I would then have to suggest that hormonal changes in men in their middle-age may have something to do with it as well. Also, I would have to say stress in general on both the female and male gender because of career and child-raising would diminish the sex drive, generally. The sentiment of the article that I strongly disagree with is the proposition that an affair is a "wake-up call" or that there is "shared responsibility" when it comes to marital infidelity. The desire to cheat should be the wake-up call and, while problems in the relationship may be a shared responsibility, the decision to lie to a spouse and do something behind their back is a singular decision and the partner who made that decision has a set of consequences that only they alone deserve.
Thank you I am an Ohio Dem my self (Cleveland)
Well said.
Not sure when I want to talk about my relationship with my wife that I'd open with, "Honey, I kinda wanna cheat. Can we talk?"
From personal experience, many of the women , and even men, I know who have admitted or been caught red handed cheating, were people who claimed to be god fearing Christians and would regularly rant on about God would damn everyone from Gays to Child Molesters and people who cheat on their spouses. 3 I can think of right now use to gaggle on about how they could not believe people could even think of cheating on their spouses, as it was the same as cheating on God. One of the people they were condemning was my now X wife , who at the time was banging any African American man she would be her legs over. Yes, we were still married at the time, and no, I did not know about it until after she had been doing it a while. The point is, at least in my experience, the ones who screamed and condemned others the most , have been the ones who have been unfaithful to their spouses. Granted, my X was in no way religious, so she was the exception to those I know who have cheated on their spouses.
I guess its only natural for good Christians to cheat on their spouses. I mean they are just living by the examples shown to them by the church.
HuffPost's Pick
The only reason your "experience" tells you that holy rollers are more prone to cheating, etc. is because it is more hypocritical. The truth is though that they stick out more because they vocally admonish those acts. The claim is not that religious persons aren't susceptible to sin, but that they actively try to avoid it. But God made us imperfect, guaranteed to sin! So we do fail from time to time.
But I encourage you to seek more perspective on your experience. There is little basis to believe that religious persons are MORE prone to the behaviors you suggested. In fact, religious couples live longer, are more likely to stay married, etc. But my best friend and his wife are theist and I can only see a long life and a commitment to being faithful to each other in them. Very much like I do my religious freinds.
LIke I said, this was from personal , people I know. I dont know national statistics, and no real study, not one from a religious or other bias source, that confirms religious couples are more likely to stay married, live longer, or jump higher, whatever, than no religious. If there is a non bias study, I would love to see it. Post it here so I can. but once again, i can only base things off of what I have personally experienced. And I know more religious couples , who are divorced than I do non religious.
Maybe it would better if I said, Couples who publicly have proclaimed to be religious. I have no way to prove that they really are religious beyond their own admissions, and from the way they talk and act around others. They could be posers. One can never be sure.
Indeed, pick-worthy.
To split a fine hair, "vocally admonish those acts" is quite the understatement. It's the judgementalism by many religions and their adherents of the PEOPLE, whether in that religion or not, who are no more likely to "sin" than the bible-thumping cluck-cluckers.
God made us in his own image, no? Atheists, gays, lesbians, and yes, sinners too.
Ummm, I guess you have some good points, but, your psychological slip is showing. Brush that chip off your shoulder.
Cheating happens because people aren't getting their needs met.
A good case can be made that marriage -- which was an institution created and designed to perpetuate property ownership within a bloodline -- is simply not designed to satisfy personal needs, as we define them culturally today. Men used to get bashed for straying, being accused of being "shallow", but of course women are straying as well. Marriage isn't working for many people in terms of satisfying their needs.
I think the needs of men and women are different. Many men (not all, but many) get bored sexually easily and desire more sexual variety than one partner can offer over the course of years. I don't think these men have low libido, but I do think that they have lost a lot of their sexual desire for their wives. What happens then is that they begin to pay less attention to their wives, and then the wives feel neglected and start to think about straying themselves -- for different reasons than men do, but the end result is the same.
Of course it's perfectly possible to get past these things with a lot of effort and a lot of commitment. Many marriages work out, again with a lot of effort. All the moralization about this issue is really beside the point -- no moral rules in the world will stand in the way of people getting their most intimate needs met.
"Could the American male be suffering from a proverbial "headache?" I think the writers are missing the point. I don't think most men aren't suffering from low libido--they just don't want to sleep with their wives anymore. The dirty little secret is that a man simply gets tired of bonking the same woman after X number of years. Plus a lot of wives don't look so hot when they hit middle age.
What I don't understand is why anyone cares. If my wife wants to get a little on the side (I rarely sleep with her anymore), I can't say I blame her. I'm certainly going to--you only live once, ya know.
When will Americans realize that women cheat for SEX, too???? Sex outside of marriage is the only time a woman is in bed with a man and it is about HER NEEDS as well as his. Women want sex, need sex, and will cheat to get it, just like a man. Women's needs are not different and when guys get this, they will be damned sure to satisfy their wives or expect that they'll get their needs met elsewhere. It really is quite simple. This whole article is about how women NEED more sex than they get from their husbands, and cheat to get it sometimes. Respect her needs and satisfy them and I guarantee she'll be all you need her to be in the sack.
It's nobody's business what these women do privately in their own sex lives. Certainly not any business of mine, and I submit probably none of yours.
It is true that is not for me to judge another individual's actions but this information could have a vast effect on divorce laws, as well as marriage laws, in this country. And being that laws effect everyone in a society that is certainly my business and it is that aspect of this story (as a cultural indicator of the state of marriage in 21st Century America) which interests me.
My cousin is in her mid 30's, husband is a Dr. has two kids and a Boyfriend. The stat seems believible to me. When it seems like people are living the dream, it only seems that way. For her it's more that her husband is asinine...but they still havde sex. She realizes that her affair would not be worth losing her marriage but she is not ready to give up her boyfriend. I saw him and I was not impressed. Call me shallow, but if your going to risk it all, he should be gorgeous.
meltingpot, my late aunt Marie would have said the same thing. below average-- is not prety in an affair!
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