Sex And The American Mom: 1 In 3 Report Getting Action On The Side

You or someone you know is having an affair. We know, it sounds surprising, shocking even, but apparently that is the case. Cookie Magazine and "AOL Body" did a survey on the subject and 30,000 people responded. As far as surveys go, that is a big number, and it's even bigger when you consider that their questions were aimed solely at married women with children. Yep, lots of mommies are getting action on the side.

The survey, "Sex and the American Mom," revealed that 34% of these married moms is in the midst of, or has already had, an affair. Think of three married moms you know and ask yourself, "Which one is cheating?" We tried this and Colleen came up empty. Taylor could think of one or two, but not one out of three--that number seems staggering. Are we just naïve? In the dark? Out of touch? Which of our friends has managed to stray without anyone knowing (and when do they find the time and where they hell do they go?)?

Another somewhat mind-blowing result of this survey was that 77% of the respondents said they want more sex. That's more than three quarters of the 30,000 women asked who said they aren't getting enough. Again, we ask, who are these people? And are we to conclude that so many stray because they are not sexually satisfied?

Cheating seems to be a direct result of not getting what you need, be it sex, attention, openness, what have you. If there is a void, and it can be filled by someone else, chances are it will be. Affairs used to almost guarantee a trip to divorce court. Today, however, the "cheatee" might experience a sense of betrayal, but the "cheater" is not necessarily stigmatized socially, and often both agree to at least attempt reconciliation. It has even been viewed as a "wake-up call" -- one that can actually save a marriage, with each person expressing a sense of shared blame.

As a society, it seems as though we've become less judgmental about affairs in general. Maybe we've realized how hard marriage is and have simply gotten more realistic. But, maybe the scope of the issue is bigger, and what's happening is that we're in the midst of redefining marriage as we have known it.

The stereotype, of course, is if there's someone sneaking around in a marriage, it's the guy. In general, no one is surprised to hear that men cheat on their wives. However, when it comes to wives cheating on their husbands, while not entirely new, it is much more common than we thought. When we told men that one in three married moms cheat (or have cheated) on their husbands, and that a solid majority are actually looking for more sex than they're having at home, most mens' eyes light up with surprise and certainly curiosity. Some even joked about where they might find one of these gals. But, what we didn't hear was "Yes, I can understand that. I'm not in the mood very often and I'm probably not satisfying my wife's sexual desires."

Could the American male be suffering from a proverbial "headache?" Maybe the insatiable male sex drive is just a myth? After hearing what Michelle Weiner-Davis, an internationally recognized relationship therapist and the Director of The Divorce Busting Center, had to say in an interview with Psychology Today, this may not be far-fetched. She thinks we don't hear a lot about the man's lack of sexual interest because, "Men are so ashamed of speaking up about [it]." Estimating that it affects, "at least 20 to 25%" of adult males," Michelle adds, "...low desire in men is America's best-kept secret."

Please don't confuse our effort to understand what's going on here with male-bashing. When a couple's sex life changes, for better or worse, generally both parties are complicit. For the record, we love men and we're aware that sex is complicated. Let's face it, marriage is complicated, and it only becomes more so after having kids. If mom or dad feels rejected by the other, he or she may cheat. And if you're married and you've got kids, you know that sex, or lack there of, can be loaded with a lot of other emotions and agendas that don't have anything to do with lust, or even love.

As the Hook-Up Generation grows up and gets married, chances are affairs may even go mainstream. It's hard for us to believe that this won't lead to hurt feelings and collateral damage (remember the kids), but maybe that's because we're from a different generation.
We understand that the person who lies just outside of the daily grind--the one who's not figuring out how to pay the mortgage that month; the one who isn't angry about spending too little time with the kids--can seem like a vacation worth taking--at least once.

We're glad to hear that women want more sex, because frankly, it's good news that the female libido is alive and well. As for the affairs....If we could add one question to the poll it would be this: "Is/Was the Affair Worth It? "

Comments

[Truthhurts60]

Studies like this scare the crap out of conservatives who like to think of women in the puritanical sense. I've always been of the belief that ownership is a huge part of marriage and it is the reason why so many men can't wait to own a woman. They think and assume that grants them exclusivity rights legally and then end up killing the woman or being emotionally crippled when their puritanical dreams get destroyed.

Only so long can you use fear and socially constructed scare tactics to suppress women from exploring their other and better options. America needs to stop treating women like they are property.

[larryburns]

Did you read this in some Gloria Steneim essay from a 1974 issue of Cosmo? You can't possibly believe this trite garbage.

"socially constructed"...."puritanical"... "emotionally cirppled"...

[ohiodem250]

I'm a Democrat, a liberal, and a progressive, but I am also somewhat socially conservative. I believe in economic equality, civil rights, equality in the workplace for different races and both genders, and even gay marriage. I even grant you that thinking marriage bestows any kind of ownership on either partner is ludicrous. But marriage does seem to require a sense of duty, shared sacrifice, and compromise. The affair itself should not be the "wake-up call" it should be the desire to have one that serves as an alarm. That should prompt an honest conversation which aims to solve problems not blame. If that kind of conversation cannot happen it was probably a mistake anyways.

[OnTheCusp]

Right on! If men see women as people and recognize they have all-but-identical needs then they'll no longer expect them to just put up with anything and will hopefully then offer them more than they're offered now. And I don't mean material things.

[gigiz]

Let's face it; women want sexual variety as much as men do. The only difference is that women have had to pretend that that was not the case for thousands of years. Now they have the freedom to admit it. Americans will have to start exploring new models for marriage whcih may include open marriages and polyamorous unions.

[ohiodem250]

If you've read any sort of history you would know that women wanting as much sexual variety as men is not news. Second, open marriages and polyamorous unions, as you describe it, have been tried in various societies and communities and tribes since human beings began gathering socially. In fact, those were the norm until relatively recently in human history. They don't exactly work from a sociological perspective. That would cause immense upheavals in terms of property law (which anyone who knows anything about modern democratic societies knows is THE BEDROCK LAW THAT LAYS FOUNDATIONS FOR EVERY OTHER LAW IN OUR SOCIETY), as well as numerous societal problems, such as hidden paternity (which is already a problem) and how that would effect child support laws. The truth is, human beings have tried models of marriage that were not monogamous in the past - the vast amount of our historical inheritance is this story - and it did not work. Please read a book called "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature" by Matt Ridley. It's a good read and is very entertaining, not overly intellectual and dry.

[kburlz]

It's not one third of all mom's that have or are having an affair, it's one third of those that decided to respond to an internet survey. Maybe it's true but this survey sounds as unscientific as it gets.

[guajiro]

Such a natural keen eye. Tell me you're a Lib.

[bloomido]

I absolutely agree, this internet survey is not reliable. I filled it out and I am single with no children.

[wmbear]

I'VE READ A STATISTIC...

That after 5 years, in ninety percent of marriages, one or the other or both partners are cheating. That's NINETY-PERCENT, folks! Fact. No wonder Fifty percent of American marriages end in divorce. There really is only one root cause for splitting and cheating's it. Couples counselors dance around this problem in sessions and rarely confront it (or discover it's the root cause of a dysfunctional relationship) unless one or the other of the members of the couple confess, which seldom happens....

So, I was not surprised to read that a third of wives cheat.

[amanda85]

"So, I was not surprised to read that a third of wives cheat."

Correction: a third of wives admits cheating. Reality may be much worse, as the judeo-christian morality makes it natural for married men to cheat (i.e. something to brag about) but an abomination when married women do the same (i.e. something to hide) ...

[wmbear]

I THOUGHT OF THAT...

But better to err on the conservative side in this kind of thing, I think. In fact, I have read higher statistics. But usually these kinds of surveys are anonymous, so a woman really has nothing to "lose" by admitting to adultery. However, I agree that some women are probably reluctant to 'fess up anyway, so I'm not arguing your point, really. My ninety percent figure actually relies on a higher percentage of married women cheating.

[wmbear]

ADDENDUM TO MY STATISTIC...

And, evidently, the survey only dealt with women who have children. Many couples these days are childless either by choice or necessity (infertility), so the real stat with regard to ALL married women is problem closer to forty percent who cheat. Do the math. Since the percentage of husband who cheat is MUCH higher, you end up with that ninety percent figure.

[drkazmd65]

Hmm,... apparently I am in one of those weird 10% of the cases where that isn't so. I know I haven't cheated, I'm pretty sure she hasn't - despite the fact we lived (due to specialized careers) apart for about 2.5 years of our nearly 14 years married.

I somehow doubt that statistic - the 90% one. But I do agree that cheating is probably a lot higher than most people think.

[dadw5boys]

Most people believe what the government called middle class income as around $50,000 when true middle class income is closer to $290,000 a year and many believe the divorce rate is around 50% when it is closer to 63% because of the governments lies.
Doing a simple survey using formulas straight out of text books makes it unbelieveable.

Almost everything in the American diet is touched with external sources of hormones not to mention the constant barrage of sex in advertizments.

[dstanley]

How do people who think cheating is natural explain jelousy? Saying that it's an invention of society just seems like you're randomly picking which things you want to call natural and which not, all to justify yourself. I could just as easily say that the obsessive need for constantly new experiences is an invention of a throwaway commercial society. The theory of free love was radical back in olden times, but members of the divorce generation have a more cynical view of it. Free love just seems like the way a kid thinks about sex, not a grownup.

David Schnarch and others have theories about sex that make more sense. The sexual lull that occurs in committed relationships isn't boredom, it's a natural stage of the relationship that needs to be worked through. Having sex with someone you barely know is easy, because you can easily hide yourself. But in a committed relationship, because you two are so close, all emotions become amplified. This is great in the honeymoon period, when everything is positive, but sooner or later negative emotions start showing up, and they get amplified too. You need to learn how to work through that without destroying your sex life in the process.

[amanda85]

"How do people who think cheating is natural explain jelousy?"

Cheating is not natural, cheating is a deception. Having desire for intimacy with someone else than your spouse is a clear indicator that your relationship isn't working. And yes, that's natural. Staying together when there's no more love or respect, now THAT's unnatural and very harmful to everyone, but especially the children.

[HowietheScreamer]

Remember it was the "free love" generation that turned divorce into America's second past time. Yet another Boomer... achievement.

[amanda85]

Then it's a credit to the boomers. It is much healthier to get divorced than to stay together and hate each other while pretending everything's peachy...
The women of past generations were considered no more than objects, men's property. Men were cheating all the time while their spouses were forced to stay home and take care of the children. I bet none of them was really happy, even though they had to pretend they were. Too bad many men (especially older ones) are so afraid of empowered women, they wished they could turn the clock back...

[kensp]

That is a false dichotomy. Why would jealousy being natural mean that anything else must not natural? The male animal instinct is to mate with as many females as possible while at the same time preventing other males from doing the same. Observe the behavior of male deer during mating season and you will see that both lust and jealousy are natural. There is really no contradiction since both behaviors serve the same purpose: to pass on favorable genetic characteristics to succeeding generations. Lust means that every male animal will try to pass on his DNA, while jealousy means that the strongest will do it most successfully.

Human behavior is much more complicated of course. We have the ability to understand and control our behavior, but we are never completely free from our instincts. It is not difficult to see the institution of marriage itself as a product of the same instinct that compels a bull elk to attack his rivals. Marriage is natural too then. It puts up barriers to procreation that help to ensure that the most suitable will do it the most often. Without the sex drive, that which fosters the desire to "cheat", however there will be no future generations to be concerned with. I am not condoning adultery. No one does and yet it thrives and always has. I am just trying to explain why that is.

[wmbear]

I CAN POSITIVELY GUARANTEE YOU...

From personal experience (the hell with deer!) that lust (and the intense passion known as erotic love) and jealousy come from the same place. Definitely.

[Kalifornian]

The only thing not just silly but stupid is to reinterpret the established meaning of a concept to suit one’s argumentative instincts. Adultery is a sexual relationship of a married person with some one that person is not married to. Temporary marriage is just that, and is a totally different idea. An undisturbed mind would understand perfectly.

[kensp]

Yes it is a totally different idea. In every western society you cannot be married to more than one person at once. The second marriage, temporary or not, must therefore be adulterous. Obviously you will disagree but that is because your definition of the word adultery is different. Which one is the "established meaning" depends entirely on where you happen to live. Since we are not talking about the same thing your earlier comparison and your claims of moral superiority are both meaningless.

[Kalifornian]

The only thing that is meaningless is kensp's gobbledygook. Many Mormons and other western society groups accept polygamy, so kensp's "every western society" is a dumb generalization. Many Arab Muslims also accept polygamy. Marriage: single, multiple, permanent, or temporary, is marriage, and adultery is a sexual relationship of a married person with someone that married person is not married to. Those are logical definitions, independent of kensp's wishful/corrupted thinking

[larmarch5]

Sex is just part of what women are looking for. Attention and validation are there also. And they miss going out, having fun, laughing, all distanced from the day to day "chores". Husbands often ignore their wives after marriage and not just after kids. Mine spends about 12 hours a day at his computer, comes down half drunk from drinking wine noon to bedtime, pops in a netflix, yawn I forget the rest. His courtship, 5 years ago, was stellar, but alas, a ruse. And the drinking popped up after he semi-retired. So I play golf, travel, teach at the YMCA, go to church, go shopping, do home remodeleing -- and take fantasy sprees on Craigslist. I don't ever seek anyone out, but I do dream about it. I'm 59, like where I live, like my house, like my freedom so that will be that. He's such a doodle, thinks I'm thrilled to have gotten such a catch. Secret to successful marriage -- don't expect too much, but don't just sit around and bitch, get out and do stuff. I suspect there are a lot more women in my situation than there are cheaters.

[bracken]

Mm . . . successful?

[amanda85]

"Secret to successful marriage"

Yep, THAT's the problem: you're calling yours a "successful" marriage. You desperately want to think it is, but you just confessed it isn't...

[txgal44]

Depends on what your definition of a successful marriage. There are so many kinds.

[brooklyncitizen]

This is sad....

[kendra]

You've described my parents to a T. For the past 20-30 years they've lived exactly like this. Now in their late 60s.

I'd say a large percentage of baby-boomers live this way.

My lovey-dovey, hippy-dippy relationship w/ husband seems downright decadent & unseemly in comparison.

[bac]

'lovey-dovey, hippy-dippy relationship". So cute. Hope you can still be saying this in 20 years! :)

[Zeusthunderbolt]

may be your husband needs to have his testosterone levels checked. What is he doing on the computer. Talking to women, who will listen ? Is he depressed and needs some help. but like most men refuses to ask for it ? If you are so active and full of life, why do you not force the issue and talk about it. The breakdown in communication should be handled. Or be truthful, and let each other be free, so each can find a meaningful relationship and be happy. pretending that this isa happy marriage, and being scornful of his methodology of selfabsorption because it involves a computer, and a superior self image for yours involves a more socially acceptable one, does not make you an angel. It also does not solve the primary problem of an uncommuncative, dreadful, pathetic, state of being.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

larmarch may be cheating herself (pun intended), but that was one brutal lightning strike.

[provgrays]

It is women who are the insatiable ones. For a man, going twice in one encounter is big league. The average woman is just getting started. Nature's cruelest joke is that women have infinite capacity for pleasure and endurance compared to men as a group.

Read Camille Paglia. You won't always agree with her, but she makes a very compelling case on gender politics.

[dora rice]

you don't know women at all. A normal, healthy woman's psychological make up
does not include promiscuity. Regardless whether she has the physical make up to do it.
There is usually something wrong with a woman who is practicing promescuity. Coleen Daily and Baldwin did their research in the wrong neighborhoods.

[provgrays]

I'm not talking about female psychological make-up and I never said that they were as promiscuous as men. I was referring to physical aspects of sexuality. Ascribing virtue to biology is a mistake.

Your claiming that their research was done "in the wrong neighborhoods" is not an objective and rational response. If you want to argue against a legitimate study, then bring your own objective and provable facts to the table.

[provgrays]

By the way, dora_rice, are you qualified to speak for normal psychology regarding over half of this planet's population?

[amanda85]

"A normal, healthy woman's psychological make up does not include promiscuity."

What you just said comes straight from judeo-christian morality, certainly not from nature. Neither men nor women are "naturally" monogamous. We're not killer whales.

[NAMI]

PERHAPS THE WIVES HAD THEIR HUSBAND'S PERMISSION .who also have affairs.

otherwise ADULTERY IS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF !!!!
this really makes me laugh, because I remember some Value VOTERS /POLITICIANS want to put up the TEN COMMANDMENTS IN THE SCHOOLS...................AND I REMEMBER THINKING THOSE
KIDS WOULD LAUGH AND MOCK THE HYPOCRISY OF THE GWOWN UPS ...............
ha HA HA HA HA

[guajiro]

Sexual libido is a sensitive thing. When in a stressful environment that can include job loss, job instability or the threat thereof, low income, high demands from one's partner or family, etc, one may not feel up to the moment as often as when one is in a more stable position. I think this applies equally to men and women. Perhaps now that there are more women in the work force, they are now having affairs to "fight" back, to show that they, not their bosses or companies, are in control of their lives. The answer to America's adulterous behavior is more away time from the jobs and more entertaining and varied interests so that couples can see each other in the light that they met each other under; in interesting conditions.

[ElPerro]

MILF Hunters need love too

[sunzen]

Isnt there a video link?

[Shozen]

I seam to remember reading an article along these lines in a science journal a few years back. Sometime in the 1940's or 1950's, before the advent of the "pill," a study of blood and genetics took place using military recruits. One of the results of the study, which was repressed for several decades, was the shocking fact that a significant number, either 10% or a third, I can't remember which, of male recruits were not biologically related to their fathers.

Whatever, cheating isn't new. It seams that each new generation discovers that they are not living up to the standards taught to them in Sunday school. Consequently each new generation seams to think they are the first to fail. Cheating may very well be wired into the human brain. That doesn't mean everyone does it, nor does it mean everyone should. It just means given a large enough pool of people, some will cheat. Big deal.

[AnitaWagner]

Cheating has touched my life in just about every way possible over the years. I cheated in my first marriage. My husband cheated in my second. My father cheated on my mother. My sister cheated on her husband. An old friend who was married used to have work day lunch time trysts with her affair partner at my place. That was 20 years ago, and today I wouldn't dream of loaning out my place in that way. Bad karma.
I then went ten years without dating seriously. I thought it too likely that things would end up just the same. Then I met someone in a polyamorous relationship, and that opened my eyes to other possiblities.
Polyamory isn't for everyone, but it works for me. There are some tradeoffs, but today I'm in a committed open long-term relationship (commitment doesn't have to equal exclusivity) and very happy, as is my partner. The one thing I know is that he has no reason to cheat on me and I have no reason to cheat on him, because if we meet someone we sense we could have a meaningful connection with, we can explore it. So any desire for variety is satisfied. We both remember where home is and do everything that needs to be done to keep our relationship solid and trust intact.
Thanks for a great article. The stats are certainly very interesting. A lot of religious extremists and marriage movement organizers aren't going to be very happy.

[DIdaho]

I guess the key word here is cheat. Obviously a negative connotation. So I like this post because it implies the answer depends on the question. There's nothing I can see that's wrong with staying together for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, it's the forsaking all others part that seems to screw it up. And that's a tragedy, because it has absolutely nothing to do with the others. These are not mutually dependent, they're separate promises. Why is it we abandon the other noble, essential elements to a long-term relationship because of what is usually brief and exceptionally occasions, we don't forsake all others? Can we get a little balance here? Doesn't staying by somebody in sickness in bad times for as long as you live mean more than a little trim on the side lasting maybe 30 minutes? Let's get a little perspective here. What about same-sex, non-gay relationships (in other words, long-term friendships). I've many great friends I've had for decades. Since sex has never been an issue, it's all about sticking by one another about things that actually matter. The real answer, if we really want one, is to keep the rest of the promises and dump the forsaking all others part.

[guajiro]

Great perspective. If I may, I guess the "problem" in cheating stems from the very fact that couples voluntarily swear by their vows, in church no less, to forsake all others. I suspect that not too many couples would marry if they had vows that included bedding others. It is the deceit of breaking promises that breaks relationships apart, not the physical sexual part. Even if a couple were to mutually agree to sexual relationships with others, I am sure they would feel the betrayal of trust were their partner to break that bond of trust by, say, not showing up to visit at the hospital due to being with someone else. I guess it's also how a person's mental makeup is made up. If someone can live with and put up with their partner bedding others, then peace be with you.

[GeoNorth]

Keep it fresh. Don't be afraid. Keep talking and listening. Give it a shot. It's worked here for 30 years.