Sex And The American Mom: 1 In 3 Report Getting Action On The Side

You or someone you know is having an affair. We know, it sounds surprising, shocking even, but apparently that is the case. Cookie Magazine and "AOL Body" did a survey on the subject and 30,000 people responded. As far as surveys go, that is a big number, and it's even bigger when you consider that their questions were aimed solely at married women with children. Yep, lots of mommies are getting action on the side.

The survey, "Sex and the American Mom," revealed that 34% of these married moms is in the midst of, or has already had, an affair. Think of three married moms you know and ask yourself, "Which one is cheating?" We tried this and Colleen came up empty. Taylor could think of one or two, but not one out of three--that number seems staggering. Are we just naïve? In the dark? Out of touch? Which of our friends has managed to stray without anyone knowing (and when do they find the time and where they hell do they go?)?

Another somewhat mind-blowing result of this survey was that 77% of the respondents said they want more sex. That's more than three quarters of the 30,000 women asked who said they aren't getting enough. Again, we ask, who are these people? And are we to conclude that so many stray because they are not sexually satisfied?

Cheating seems to be a direct result of not getting what you need, be it sex, attention, openness, what have you. If there is a void, and it can be filled by someone else, chances are it will be. Affairs used to almost guarantee a trip to divorce court. Today, however, the "cheatee" might experience a sense of betrayal, but the "cheater" is not necessarily stigmatized socially, and often both agree to at least attempt reconciliation. It has even been viewed as a "wake-up call" -- one that can actually save a marriage, with each person expressing a sense of shared blame.

As a society, it seems as though we've become less judgmental about affairs in general. Maybe we've realized how hard marriage is and have simply gotten more realistic. But, maybe the scope of the issue is bigger, and what's happening is that we're in the midst of redefining marriage as we have known it.

The stereotype, of course, is if there's someone sneaking around in a marriage, it's the guy. In general, no one is surprised to hear that men cheat on their wives. However, when it comes to wives cheating on their husbands, while not entirely new, it is much more common than we thought. When we told men that one in three married moms cheat (or have cheated) on their husbands, and that a solid majority are actually looking for more sex than they're having at home, most mens' eyes light up with surprise and certainly curiosity. Some even joked about where they might find one of these gals. But, what we didn't hear was "Yes, I can understand that. I'm not in the mood very often and I'm probably not satisfying my wife's sexual desires."

Could the American male be suffering from a proverbial "headache?" Maybe the insatiable male sex drive is just a myth? After hearing what Michelle Weiner-Davis, an internationally recognized relationship therapist and the Director of The Divorce Busting Center, had to say in an interview with Psychology Today, this may not be far-fetched. She thinks we don't hear a lot about the man's lack of sexual interest because, "Men are so ashamed of speaking up about [it]." Estimating that it affects, "at least 20 to 25%" of adult males," Michelle adds, "...low desire in men is America's best-kept secret."

Please don't confuse our effort to understand what's going on here with male-bashing. When a couple's sex life changes, for better or worse, generally both parties are complicit. For the record, we love men and we're aware that sex is complicated. Let's face it, marriage is complicated, and it only becomes more so after having kids. If mom or dad feels rejected by the other, he or she may cheat. And if you're married and you've got kids, you know that sex, or lack there of, can be loaded with a lot of other emotions and agendas that don't have anything to do with lust, or even love.

As the Hook-Up Generation grows up and gets married, chances are affairs may even go mainstream. It's hard for us to believe that this won't lead to hurt feelings and collateral damage (remember the kids), but maybe that's because we're from a different generation.
We understand that the person who lies just outside of the daily grind--the one who's not figuring out how to pay the mortgage that month; the one who isn't angry about spending too little time with the kids--can seem like a vacation worth taking--at least once.

We're glad to hear that women want more sex, because frankly, it's good news that the female libido is alive and well. As for the affairs....If we could add one question to the poll it would be this: "Is/Was the Affair Worth It? "

Comments

[S1m0n]

."..did a survey on the subject and 30,000 people responded. As far as surveys go, that is a big number,"

So what? The size of the number means nothing, as long as they're self-selected. If they are--and this survey appears to be--then the survey tells you nothing about anyone but its particiants; the results cannot be seen as a reflection upon society as a whole.

[Improvised]

"So what? The size of the number means nothing, as long as they're self-selected. If they are--and this survey appears to be--then the survey tells you nothing about anyone but its participants; the results cannot be seen as a reflection upon society as a whole."

Thank you...you took the thoughts right out of my head.

I'm not denying that there are a bunch of cheating spouses out there (men and women alike); but it's not as if the women who read Cookie Magazine and "AOL Body" (whatever the hell those are) speak for women in general. That's far from an unbiased survey. What's worse, the author(s) then draw(s) a bunch of sweeping conclusions about marriage and society based on this faulty survey.

[5thGenDem]

Exactly right! Imagine Rolling Stone doing a survey of their readers on marijuana use and then extrapolating the results to the entire nation.

[amanda85]

So, one of the most religious and puritan societies in the world has a record-high level of spousal infidelity. Why am I not surprised? Conservatives are big, big hypocrites­... I bet they go to church every Sunday...

The REALITY is, people cheat, it's normal. Human beings aren't wired to be monogamous for life. Very few couples have any sex after 20 years of marriage. If they are somewhat attractive, eventually they'll end up having affairs, even if they don't seek them. If they are ugly, sooner or later the man will start paying hookers and the woman getting sexually frustrated. I've seen this so many times and it's neither funny nor fair. But that's life. I think the only way to stay together and happy "until death do us part" is to leave some wiggle room in the relationship. Having an affair is not the end of the world, lying about it or becoming sexually frustrated is much, much worse.

[sandiegoconservative]

By reading your post I assume you have the statistics to show that only conservatives answered, correct? Las time I read, the U.S. was about 50/50 split. Besides, I know a few "Christians" that don't practice what they preach, which makes them non-Christian in my eyes. No one is perfect.

I am sorry to see that you don't expect a happy marriage after 20 years and that one needs "wiggle room". My parents are on year 36 and they are extremely happy and from what I have heard from my sibling still at home, they are still quite "active".

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Judge not, etc, re non-Christian in your book.

SIbling still at home !?! (Hey, I'm no non-judgemental holier-than-thou Christian)

[amanda85]

"By reading your post I assume you have the statistics to show that only conservatives answered, correct? Las time I read, the U.S. was about 50/50 split."

Like all conservatives, you clearly live in a bubble and think that religious conservatives are really "pious", except maybe for a few "bad apples"... You simply can't admit that the ONLY difference there is between you and the rest of the world is that you're hypocrites while other people freely admit that human beings aren't wired to be monogamous, which, BTW, is a scientific FACT. But then again, I'm sure you don't believe in evolution and you're utterly convinced that the world is only 6000 year old, despite all the scientific evidence to the contrary..­.

[amanda85]

"Las time I read, the U.S. was about 50/50 split."

The vast majority of Democrats are conservative, at least by international standards. Considering what they stand for (universal health care, free or low-cost higher education, government-funded pension plans etc.), most conservative politicians in Europe, Canada, Australia etc. would be considered "extreme left" in the US... And don't forget that your country has the highest level of religiosity in the west, matched only by nations like Iran and Saudi Arabia.

[KennyFox]

Was it worth it? So far....yes­, yes and yes!

[True]

So? Our natural desires don't conform to arbitrary societal standards. Big shocker there...

[TheInsomniac]

It's long been known that a very large percentage of babies don't belong the right daddy. I forget who the doctor was that first studied blood groups and determined this, but hesitated to publish the results for fear of the public outcry.

As long as people treat their relationships like a game it's no surprise that there will be cheaters.

[Kalifornian]

“Adultery has always been with us and always will be.”
“Human beings are not monogamous creatures”
The comments in this blog seem to indicate the serious psychological degradation of USA society. The apparently prevalent attitude expressed here would have no acceptance at all in Arab Muslim societies.

[kensp]

Hahahahaha.

Have you ever heard of the idea of the muslim concept of a "mu'tah" or temporary marriage. It is another name for adultery. It is something that would have no acceptance at all in christian societies. You should look into it before expressing such silly judgments.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Silly and mu'tah in the same para. Go figger.

In Christian societies, it's called a "business trip."

[rbspickles]

I know that with my first husband of 20 years, I spent the last 17 of them pretty much celibate. I didn't ever cheat on him though. After my divorce, I met my next (late) husband who was great in bed. Damn, I sure do miss him. But yes, a lot of men's libidos aren't nearly as strong as they brag they are. Most of my girlfriends have the same problem. When marriage was first done, people only lived until their late 30's or so. Now, 40, 50, or 60 years together is a VERY, VERY long time to stay faithful to one person. I'm not saying it can't be done, but it IS a very long time.

[KarateKid]

There's a reason men's libidos aren't as strong....­..the women they're with. Women need to look in the mirror to see who is the cause.

[mouselion]

According to studies done in the seventies, a man's sexual peak is when he is 17 to 19 years old. A woman's is when she is around 32. This may or may not have a great amount of bearing on sexual interest later in life -- depending on the individual. Also, libido and "interest" are too different things.

[DickTater]

I think plenty of married women say NO to a lot of things that would keep their husband interested­....then when having an affair they say YES to the same stuff they would NEVER admit to their husband.
Of course, men could be more attuned, more romantic, bring flowers. But that is attention.­...not love or passion or sex.

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day, and I don't mean this to be detrimental to women.
But, if the Divorce Rate is 50% (just to use an arbitrary number) how many of those marriages were INSISTED upon by the women? To say it more simply, the women really pushed to get married. By extrapolation, we could say women were the cause of a lot of divorces because they were the prime-mover in getting married to begin with.
If the rules of marriage and the traditions had a little wiggle room, perhaps people could feel free enough to experiment. Or no marriage at all would be a nice option.
But the way we have it now is a recipe for turmoil and oppression.

It would be nice if there was more than ONE option that was legal and allowable in society, instead of forcing people to enter into a lifelong and nearly unworkable contract.

[cognate]

If you omit homosexual relationships, mathematically the average number of cheating females must equal that of cheating males. The apparent discrepancies result from lying: men inflate the number of their affairs (or lovers), women underreport it.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

You implicitly assume the same number of partners each, and that marrieds cheat with marrieds.

I sure hope you're better in bed than at math.

[cognate]

Your objections assume that the number of unattached males is different from that of unattached females. There is no reason to assume so, unless there is a shortage of one or the other gender. That is indeed true for the "mean" woman when she reaches the age greater than the male life expectancy. But I suspect there isn't that much sex going on past that age.

[mouselion]

This was the gist of an article on HuffPo several months ago, that men over-report, women under-report affairs. I buy that part. I don't buy the mathematical part, because in order for it to be equal, you have to assume that the person who the married person is having an affair with is also a married person, which is not always the case.

[epictetus]

You're wrong. You don't know much about math do you? Cheaters can have sex with people that aren't married or in committed relationships. Also, two or more different women(or men) could have cheated on their spouses with one man(or woman), either at different times or concurrently.

The authors of this article don't appear to know much about statistics either. Just because 33% of women cheat, does not mean that a particular friend of yours has a 33% chance of having cheated. There are other factors to take in to consideration. Overall a bad article.

[freshfunk5]

Your math is wrong.

You're assuming that each men cheat only with one woman. But if you have one man who cheated with 10 other women, then you'll have less men that cheat compared to women. The opposite is true as well.

So it's quite possible that one gender cheats more than the other.

[jubo]

The vicarious thrill of just saying so...

Incidentally I wonder what their counterparts' ratio is...

[PlanetKansas]

There are two componants to a successful marriage, mutual respect and individual maturity. People seek affairs because they either don't find the respect they need at home or they are too immature to control their impulses or resolve their problems.

When a man treats a woman with respect, the sex will follow. Conversely, an immature spouse will create a disrespectful spouse, and sex becomes the weapon of choice. It is a cycle that either nourishes or deplenishes.

Both roles can be reversed, but the results are still the same, the sex is never good if one mistreats the other, and problems never go away unless they are resolved by two mature people.

Unfortunately, maturity is a product of parenting, and I believe less than 20% know how to think and act this way. The low probability of two mature people marrying means the majority of marriages are either doomed for failure, or resigned to lives of quiet desperation.

[bknott]

I respectfully disagree. "When a man treats a woman with respect, sex will follow" honestly sounds like something out of a Christian text book - like the theory that if gay men commit to a heterosexual relationship, desire will magically appear. Sexual attraction, unfortunately, is not often based on commitment or maturity. If it was, divorce rates would be a lot lower!!

[MikeDu]

"When a man treats a woman with respect, the sex will follow."

I can't tell you how often I've cringed when a womanfriend has looked at me with affection and said "Y'know, you're a nice guy." I cringed because i know from painful experience that line is invariably followed by a dumping and the erstwhile womanfriend taking up with a local meathead mafiosi.

[sandiegoconservative]

Well said, though I hope that your 20% figure is higher.

[msfiskvletterman]

5/13/08
11:55am
Eugene, OR

I don't believe it.

[Tomlastliberalleft]

Ladies you need to understand some things. You make light of our needs, you make jokes about the drives we have to deal with, and after awhile we understand you want to own us as though we have no desires. The nice thing about getting older (soon to be 50) is you begin to have some perspective on the whole thing. Women are as different when it comes to sex as men are. The key is to figure out what the relationship must have for both partners. This requires ownership of the potential problem by both people involved. If either person neglects to embrace that ownership, then to some degree, the wedding vows become null and void. Both partners must figure out what the other one must have to remain happy, it is not always easy. Both are trying to hit a moving target as time goes by. I have never cheated on either of my wives. I could never deal with the guilt. It is the wrong thing to do, but, if you ignore this problem eventually something bad will happen, and everybody suffers. Over all I think the data in this article is probably not all that accurate, sampling error and bias can screw up any survey. If the numbers are true, then a significant number of husbands out there are being had for a fool, and the truth is, many of them deserve that honor.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Well said.

I just have to: Re "I have never cheated on either of my wives." Serial or parallel?

[Rule Of Law]

Another possibly relevant article burdened with a T&A graphic. Don't you trust us to read it, HuffPo without the gratuitous skin--or is pandering becoming part of the daily diet here?

We're grown-ups.­..let us think with our brains not our groins.

[MKJeeves]

I'm not a grown-up

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

ROL my friend,

An article about infidelity is by definition NOT about thinking with brains. Helloooo.

Photo is from "Unfaithful"
Diane Lane's never been hotter. Brainwise.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0250797/

[Robert59]

I'm not surprised. I know alot of men who are married to very nice looking women and they spend their free time griping about their wives while ogling every thing that walks by or pops up on the screen. Alot of them turn down their wives obvious attempts to have sex in favor of doing something else.

So what's a girl to do? Find someone who puts out physically and emotionally whose attention is on her as a complete package. And if they can't meet that someone they'll go for someone who at least pretends.

[amenophisX]

The only thing wrong with it is the fact that I'm not in any affairs!