Sex And The American Mom: 1 In 3 Report Getting Action On The Side

You or someone you know is having an affair. We know, it sounds surprising, shocking even, but apparently that is the case. Cookie Magazine and "AOL Body" did a survey on the subject and 30,000 people responded. As far as surveys go, that is a big number, and it's even bigger when you consider that their questions were aimed solely at married women with children. Yep, lots of mommies are getting action on the side.

The survey, "Sex and the American Mom," revealed that 34% of these married moms is in the midst of, or has already had, an affair. Think of three married moms you know and ask yourself, "Which one is cheating?" We tried this and Colleen came up empty. Taylor could think of one or two, but not one out of three--that number seems staggering. Are we just naïve? In the dark? Out of touch? Which of our friends has managed to stray without anyone knowing (and when do they find the time and where they hell do they go?)?

Another somewhat mind-blowing result of this survey was that 77% of the respondents said they want more sex. That's more than three quarters of the 30,000 women asked who said they aren't getting enough. Again, we ask, who are these people? And are we to conclude that so many stray because they are not sexually satisfied?

Cheating seems to be a direct result of not getting what you need, be it sex, attention, openness, what have you. If there is a void, and it can be filled by someone else, chances are it will be. Affairs used to almost guarantee a trip to divorce court. Today, however, the "cheatee" might experience a sense of betrayal, but the "cheater" is not necessarily stigmatized socially, and often both agree to at least attempt reconciliation. It has even been viewed as a "wake-up call" -- one that can actually save a marriage, with each person expressing a sense of shared blame.

As a society, it seems as though we've become less judgmental about affairs in general. Maybe we've realized how hard marriage is and have simply gotten more realistic. But, maybe the scope of the issue is bigger, and what's happening is that we're in the midst of redefining marriage as we have known it.

The stereotype, of course, is if there's someone sneaking around in a marriage, it's the guy. In general, no one is surprised to hear that men cheat on their wives. However, when it comes to wives cheating on their husbands, while not entirely new, it is much more common than we thought. When we told men that one in three married moms cheat (or have cheated) on their husbands, and that a solid majority are actually looking for more sex than they're having at home, most mens' eyes light up with surprise and certainly curiosity. Some even joked about where they might find one of these gals. But, what we didn't hear was "Yes, I can understand that. I'm not in the mood very often and I'm probably not satisfying my wife's sexual desires."

Could the American male be suffering from a proverbial "headache?" Maybe the insatiable male sex drive is just a myth? After hearing what Michelle Weiner-Davis, an internationally recognized relationship therapist and the Director of The Divorce Busting Center, had to say in an interview with Psychology Today, this may not be far-fetched. She thinks we don't hear a lot about the man's lack of sexual interest because, "Men are so ashamed of speaking up about [it]." Estimating that it affects, "at least 20 to 25%" of adult males," Michelle adds, "...low desire in men is America's best-kept secret."

Please don't confuse our effort to understand what's going on here with male-bashing. When a couple's sex life changes, for better or worse, generally both parties are complicit. For the record, we love men and we're aware that sex is complicated. Let's face it, marriage is complicated, and it only becomes more so after having kids. If mom or dad feels rejected by the other, he or she may cheat. And if you're married and you've got kids, you know that sex, or lack there of, can be loaded with a lot of other emotions and agendas that don't have anything to do with lust, or even love.

As the Hook-Up Generation grows up and gets married, chances are affairs may even go mainstream. It's hard for us to believe that this won't lead to hurt feelings and collateral damage (remember the kids), but maybe that's because we're from a different generation.
We understand that the person who lies just outside of the daily grind--the one who's not figuring out how to pay the mortgage that month; the one who isn't angry about spending too little time with the kids--can seem like a vacation worth taking--at least once.

We're glad to hear that women want more sex, because frankly, it's good news that the female libido is alive and well. As for the affairs....If we could add one question to the poll it would be this: "Is/Was the Affair Worth It? "

Comments

[DIdaho]

This is a lot simpler than these posts seem to indicate. Sex is sex, marriage is marriage, love is love. They can intersect and one can argue when they do they enhance one another. But they're separate issues. Getting sex outside or marriage, before or during, is simply that. It doesn't mean the marriage should be in trouble, it doesn't mean there's some missing intimacy, it only means you wanted sex. period.

[JLee]

I completely agree. That said, I think the real issue with infidelity may be things like honesty (e.g. lying to one's spouse about where one was last night) or a sense of rejection (am I not attractive anymore?). Our conception of marriage isn't quite at the place where most of us can be completely open and honest about our desires, or the about fact that marriage, sex, and love could be separate things. We may be getting there eventually, though.

[Sioen]

I agree. The idea that just one person can provide us with all the necessary emotional intimacy, sexual fulfillment, familial bond and friendly companionship is not only silly -- those unrealistic expectations have been responsible for a lot of personal suffering in the world.

There's nothing wrong with those people (some would call them co-dependent) who need each other for and give each other all those needs, but they are few and far between.

The sooner that the masses realize those needs will be fulfilled by a variety of people in their lives -- **and that there is nothing wrong with that** -- the better off our society will be.

The important thing is to be open and honest about what you need, and to be fair and loving in how you treat people you are in relationships with.

[DIdaho]

Though perhaps vain to reply to myself, in the same vein... the comparison so many miss is love among children. When we have one kid, does anybody think it's a betrayal to have another? Every parent I know has wondered, will there be enough love to go around? There always seems to be. So we have no problem accepting we can love multiple children, but somehow consider it a betrayal and an either/or when applied to sexual partners. There's historical basis: taking another partner, bearing a separate family, certainly can create conflict. But with birth control and common sense, that's not a likely outcome. Missing here also is the validation - sex with one partner may be safe and comfortable, but there's no thrill of the chase, and when it comes down to it there's not much else that rivals being judged "spongeworthy," as it were - the real mistake may be people giving up relationships that are otherwise fulfilling and stable simply because genitals wander in ways that have no actual impact other than that we impose on them.

[Calinative]

If you have to start lying to your spouse there's a problem. Not being honest about things is also a lie of omission.

Who wants to be with someone that lies to them? Not me. I don't even want friends that lie to me.

[McJeff]

Part 2. Because of Huffpo's rules.
My ex was not really threatened by the sex, it was the idea that I might develop another emotional relationship.
The reason that women don't get busted for affairs as much as men is that men understand that it's mainly sex. Many men understand that.
The reason many men are "scum", when they have an affair, is that women know the female half of the affair is most likely scheming to steal the man emotionally, and therefore the man is betraying her.

But when it is just sex (which women seem to be able to have unemotionally once they feel emotionally secure in a relationship), it's no big deal.

I wonder how many of the 34% did all they could to bring their current hubby to the altar. I wonder how many would be willing to leave their current marriage. Not many, I bet. Unless of course a better emotional partner came along. But leave just for sex? No way.

What's hard for men to get it general? Sex.
What's hard for women to get in general? A committed emotional relationship.

I had women tell me, "just get a girlfriend for sex". Easier said than done. The "girlfriend" wants emotional stuff as well.
I think women don't get this for men because from their point of view sex is very easy to get or have (they are the gatekeepers, after all).
I'll probably get shredded for this, but just trying to figure it out.

[highburygoon]

The last part of your post reminded me of Seinfeld, and Jerry's explanation to Elaine about why she gets so dumb when she doesn't have sex:

"To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid."

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Thanks for your candor.

What drove the divorce -- per your comment, your seeking sex or your ex seeking emotion, or other?

[McJeff]

Having just gone through a divorce that was very painful, this topic was of interest.
Here's some observations and a stab or two at a theory.
Men think about sex all the time. Doesn't mean we physically want to. We look at all women as being possible, even the unattractive ones.
Women want sex all the time. However, the emotional component must be dealt with for women.

Men, for the most part, can have sex without emotion.

Women's top priority seems to be a secure emotional relationship. Then they start thinking about sex.
In 90% of the couples swinging ads that I have read, the woman is the one looking for the third partner, be it male or female. However, almost all the women emphasize that they have a secure marriage, and are just looking for sexual variety. Many times when the husband is describing things, he refers to his wife as insatiable. Now that she has secured her emotional relationship, she is ready to have lots of sex, but not an additional emotional relationship.

[lungfish]

Cheaters and liars are cheaters and liars. In America, and probably most of the world, honesty and integrity mean very little. If there is something that someone wants, they will do whatever they can to
get it and if it means cheating and lying for it, in the words of Dick Cheney...."So?". Its easier to give someone the finger and take what they want and dare anyone to try to hold them accountable than it is to show moral character and act in a responsible and accountable manner.
Personally, I have no problem with swingers and such but even in this area a liar is still a liar and if my spouse lies to me about anything, my trust will be diminished. Honestly, what is the point in sharing a life with someone if you can't trust them? Yet, rather than call someone "unworthy of trust" we offer all manner of excuses for them so they don't have to learn their lesson. Sure a third of women in marriage are cheaters and liars and not worth trusting, what is wrong with saying that? Instead this article treats what should be considered a crisis in integrity and moral strength as a curiosity with no attention to implications this revelation has on the big picture. To me this means that at least one in three women can't be trusted as employees, wives, friends or lovers...

[MarilynBB]

I totally agree - liars are liars. Selfish people take what they want ignoring the implications to others. Someday they will find that they will reap what they have sewn. It could it be they raise children who are liars, cheaters and can't keep a commitment , or they lose jobs because integrity and loyalty are valued or someone they trust betrays them. It's only a matter of time.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

I bet a similar survey amongst men would show an even higher percentage of male cheaters.

Like the old joke: "Sixty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest can afford Europe."

[JennyBlock]

I don't think the affairs are worth it. But I think the love and sex is . That is, I think the problem is not with the fact that people feel the need for more, but rather with monogamy being the standard. Human beings are not monogamous creatures. And it is near impossible for one person to be everything for another, even in the most perfect of scenarios. I mean that in terms of sex and otherwise. I think the future lies in open and polyamorous relationships where partners don't feel pressured to be the impossible knight in shining armor or damsel in distress. I'm not suggesting that this is for everyone. I am, however, saying that it's clear that the one-size-fits-all model of marriage is not fitting everyone, and it's time we stopped ignoring that for the sake of some sort of constructed morality. Marriage is a social construct at its heart, which means it, like all other constructs, should have the flexibility to change when it is no longer working.

It is, or should be, about workability. I can think of few other segments of life in which a thirty to fifty percent failure rate would be deemed "workable." (i.e. acceptable)

Regards,
Jenny Block
Author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage"

www.jennyonthepage.com

[EuLupu]

"Marriage is a social construct at its heart, which means it, like all other constructs, should have the flexibility to change when it is no longer working."
Isn't a construct that meets SPECIFICS REQUIREMENTS, you know, those kinds included in the vows(death do us apart, love,trust,etc)?? Obviously is FLEXIBLE enough to let you navigate the adapt along the years, but NOT flexible in the sense that one of the parts can declare based on their pleasure, "OK here is a new INTERFACE to my construct, sex with whomever I feel like it. And you, my eternal love, should just accepted and enjoyed because I do!" Is this "workable" for any person that loved another person and married him/her??
You want polyamorous relationships, DON'T marry and have as many as you want without being restricted by the "standard". Pitching the moral and the principles of polyamorous relationship for a married couple is a non sense, just divorce! Or maybe we should all adapt one of the Amazon tribe rule that let all the women once a year for few days to be "free" and have polyamorous relationship and than return to their "marriage" as nothing happened.

[Sioen]

Amen. I posted something similar up above before I read your post. I've spent my life not understanding monogamy as a cultural norm, given its demonstrated inadequacy for so many in the culture.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

I see a big problem not in the failure of marriage to have a higher batting average, nor in the "failure" of individual marriages -- many of which limp along like a beast-of-burden with a broken ankle and should have been euthanized earlier -- but rather in the stigmatization of those hungry souls who participate in, tacitly accomodate, or outright support the OTHER institution.. the institution of "arrangements."

There are plenty of marriages that, while not "traditional," or even not symmetrically "open" (ahem*), surely are what many an outsider would call "an arrangement."

To each his or her own. Life, Liberty, and the purfuit of Happiness.

* http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenny-block/#blogger_bio

[BobOnThis]

Men never doubted woman are bigger sluts then men!
Then you act surprised and indignent when you get treated like the claim a whore... go figure!

I say... rut on randy girls... and scratch that itch... it's natural... and ever so beautiful!

[Cathexis]

Um ... what do you mean "we," Kimosabi?

This man never thought such labels were useful or meaningful.

[Hare]

I read this because after 25 years of marriage and complete monogamy I am at a point were I want to have a relationship with someone that just came back into my life. I know he'll go for it if/when I ask but I promised spouse "the forever yours"...complete loyalty and no STD worries. I dream every night of back into my life. What to do, what to do? Don't want to cheat but want to spend time and other things with the other one. I'm so against cheating spouses.

[FalconerHK]

If you've been together for 25 years you probably have at least a semi-honest relationship, so you should give your spouse the respect and courtesy of telling him BEFORE you cheat, and let him decide what he wants to do (stay, leave, get a booty call on the side, etc.).

You owe it to your relationship.

OTOH, it seems from your post that there might be more than just some lusty horniness that needs to be handled; is there a strong like/love aspect to this? if so, you should disclose that, too. Give your spouse a chance to step up - maybe he can meet your needs if he knows better what they are.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Great advice, but the stakes are so much higher when YOU're the one facing the chasm.

[mlambert890]

Might also be a nice idea to say "I wonder how *I* would handle this if my spouse threw it at ME"

WHY is selfish behavior always cheerleaded??? "hey, you GO girl! just tell hubby you NEED to screw around and he can either DEAL or STEP UP!"

OK... Well how about if hubby came to you and said "theres this gal from way back who I ran into and is still looking hot and I NEED to bang her"

How would YOU feel? Probably not good. We need (as in the HUMAN "we") to start worrying MORE about the feelings of OTHERS than we do about our own selfish desires.

Everything is "I want"... You're "so against cheating spouses", but OF COURSE, only because you ALWAYS imagined yourself the VICTIM. What a load of crap.

[robbor]

too much is made of sex as the height of true love.

intimacy means more than sex, as you know. Tell

others that it is about the connection of souls.

It is the true union of two beings. It is about walking

through all moments, both good and bad, and never

leaving the other's side.

You are intimate when you are fully with another, no

matter what. In fact, this has very little to do with that

which is physical.

[atpcliff]

Hi!

I would say, not enough is made of sex as the height of true love.

I would really appreciate having more sex.

When I have sex, I feel completely intimate with my partner. I do like doing other stuff with my partner, like going on walks, holding hands, etc. BUT, it all pales in comparison to sex.

Sex is THE best thing in the universe, by far!!!

Obviously, by reading the above, you can tell I'm a guy. I'm sure there are TONS of women that feel sex is the 20th most important thing in a great relationship.

Note to help those suffering from mismatched desire for sex: It is THE #1 problem reported by couples, both hetero and homo; an unbalanced desire. Learning this made it much easier for me to deal with my wife. I was not alone.

cliff
YIP

[NewOrleans4Obama]

The bottom line being that this was not a scientific poll. It's a respondent driven survey, and as such has little quantitative veracity.

[ShawnMichel]

Very true. It seems that little has been done to account for this, which introduces a huge, huge bias in the survey.

[Sctt859]

Im not married but if my wife ever cheated on me id give her da whippin of a life time

[Boyaca]

Giving your wife the beating of her life will not make her love you any more or be more loyal to you either. In fact it would probably give a very good reason to screw around on you. No woman can be forced to be loyal to one man. She either wants to and will be loyal, or she does not want to be and therefore will not be. But she cannot be made to be loyal, especially out of fear. Personally I would love to have manage a trois with my wife. No secretes, no lies, no cheating, no stress, just very good erotic , affairs. If she would agree, I would be happy to comply.

[HatingTheGame]

"Im not married but if my wife ever cheated on me id give her da whippin of a life time"

You could easily reword your statement:

Since I'd give my cheatin' wife da whippin of a life time, I'm not married.

You're a lonely guy backwards and forwards.

LOL

[justShareandbeNice]

You don't own your wife (or future wife). Hurting anyone physically is wrong. You know this, deep down. Pay attention to the "deep down" feelings. The ones that yearn for love.

Get married for love. Affairs may come and go, but if you work on bringing more love into your heart so you have lots of love to give you will be able to solve problems with some grace.

Oh, and if you are looking for a female partner right now please please please change your thinking. Women aren't perfect, but you aren't supposed to be looking for perfect. You are "supposed" to be looking for a person to grow up with.

Or, if you are looking just for sex, then make sure you are NICE to women and SAFE sexually.

If you think you are about to hit a woman, call the women's crisis line and ask for someone to talk to. Violence doesn't solve problems. Take personal responsiblity and change your ways.

[Cathexis]

Well said, JustShare.

No man should hit a woman.

Ever.

For any reason.

There are always other options.

[WisconSinnerCrat]

Feelings are exactly the problem. Women and Men both justify wrongful actions because their feelings told them to. What ever happened to self control? and why shouldn't people be held accountable for indulging in feelings? If my wife ever cheats on me i wont hit her, but i certainly wont be too concerned with her feelings. Most of the girlfriends i have had in my life have made decisions based on their "feelings" only to find that they really don't know what the hell they are even thinking. Sometimes at the mall i feel like stealing, but i don't because stealing is wrong. "Because i felt like it" has never been a good excuse for stealing, and it is NOT an excuse for breaking a commitment to a loved one. Therapy and Dr. Phil are the worst thing to happen to this country because it makes people think they can do anything they want as long as a feeling is involved. "Follow your heart" is some of the worst advice i have ever been given, partly because feelings are so spontaneous and constantly changing.

[parkerfly38]

Being cheated on hurts, especially when you live by your word that you'll be honest and faithful. On the other hand, sharing that hurt physically, while I can understand the temptation, only hurts everyone more. I don't give the mamby-pamby rationale others do--there is a terrific lack of consequence for people who break their word.

But that doesn't just include infidelity with another consenting adult. I think of all the things I could end up inserting in the relationship with my wife that are deleterious to honest commitment, and adultery is just one amongst many things that tear apart marriage.

Monogamy is pretty cool. It's worth the effort. People don't want to work at keeping it fresh, so instead, they tell themselves that monogamy just isn't natural by way of excusing laziness. But hitting? Nope.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

And if you ever cheated on her?

[ResidentChimp]

Obama supporters must be working overtime.

[LiberalBuzz]

I'd be more interested in the veracity of the poll vs the reality.

BUT nonetheless I'm somewhat surprised in an odd way.

When was the last time you saw a group of good looking mommies? I'm not trying to dis all moms, but the overweight population of America has gone ballistic. If they aren't getting any from home, perhaps the first place to look is the mirror. NOT that the husbands may be all that great looking either but damn!!

I've seen so many overweight woman in the last 7 years or so that it is mindboggling.

So I think a little more examination of the people responding would be in order. Some guys will get drunk enough to screw anything including overweight women.

As for the good looking moms? THEN it's time to see what is wrong with the husbands. Too much work to keep up with the rising costs of keeping a family? They are just too tired because of it? OR are there other factors.

This poll really needs visual results as well. There is more to any poll than simply answering questions.

[ched]

I have to disagree. There are plenty of good looking mommies out there (hence the term, "MILF," or in England, "yummy mummies"). Maybe you need to start frequenting better mommy neighborhoods.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Aside from the fact it's a self-selecting pool that responded...

Like men these days are so svelt?

As for visuals, I would guess you wouldn't learn much. Probly a "broad" cross-section.

[mlambert890]

Actually... among younger people males seem to be in much better shape than females. It seems like feminism has lead to a broad acceptance and healthy support of any "body image" for girls, but for boys, its "gotta get that six pack soldier!" just like it was 1950.

[Asinistra]

Marriage: the social equivalent of the girdle and the same fate awaits it.

[HatingTheGame]

I don't think this is anything new. Its true that "biological" impulses to find the best sperm provides a subconscious motivation, but I think this has been so for eons. In fact, there is a reason that babies on the whole look like their mothers when they are born (even if men are told that they have their "eyes"). This is to prevent men from immediately knowing that that the offspring is not theirs, and thus killing the baby.

If one looks at other species where there is pair bonding, but also a lot of fooling around, we see the same inability to distinguish offspring until they are older. Male dolphins are unable to determine if the offspring so they don't kill them. When they are old enough to survive on their own, then its usually too late, and the males are off to another group anyway.

Marriage, or pair bonding, is a historical agreement between females and males. The males protect and feed the females and are ensured that their genes get passed on. But men are never sure that their offspring are theirs, and take the woman's word for it.

That's why it is ironic that women have created this myth that it is only men who cheat. Men do cheat, but women do just as much. And nature has ensured that they and their offspring are given cover.

[WTFbush]

For men and women, why not just get a divorce or reach an agreement before the affair?

How many of them are (men and women) are bring home a little something extra? I wish that stat was in the article.