Nowadays, Santa's favorite reindeer game is sacking Blitzen if he isn't pulling his weight, thus downsizing the team from an unwieldy eight to a lean and mean seven.
Congratulations, MTV - you completely failed to grasp the gravity of the situation. Little did you realize that you took the first step toward saving humanity. Allow me to explain...
Apparently, the only title that Beck's one-man movie is outgrossing is Closed For Repairs. I've got a few suggestions that should help this new holiday classic find its audience.
Santa is lugging Sony Playstations. Traditions are toppling and mutating to the point where we can scarcely remember their original intent. Oy! Even the dreidel has gone millennial.
Chanukah had started, the menorah was lit
The family had sung, now they'd give gifts and sit
Goldman Sachs has announced that its Treasury Dept. has completed a debt for equity swap with the People's Republic of China, effectively solving most of America's problems.
Here's what happens in New Moon. Three teenagers spend nearly two hours frowning and moping and not screwing. Also, there's a tremendous amount of male shirt removal.
When sarcasm grew in the 80s, Mr. Kringle's career went into decline. Kringle continued working, in low-budget affairs with the likes of Tim Allen. But his eggnog and gumdrop use took a turn for the worse.
I have a new bumper sticker on my car: "Real Golfer Inside." I want women to know I play golf. I want them to know I know how to use my putter.
When that kindergartener tells your child that his/her opinions on single payer insurance and the trigger are "for doodoo heads," it can be a teaching moment. Here are some books to make the current political climate fun!
Vampires would fare significantly better than most in our current crisis, because they have a few things most citizens do not: old fashion common sense, a fiscally prudent nature -- and a very long memory.
Norway's venerable Nobel Foundation, responding to what it calls "an international epidemic of incivility, disrespect, and, for sure, stinko behavior" today announced it was establishing an annual Pissed Prize.
