Cameron to Follow Up Avatar With Emoticon

Andy Borowitz, 12.21.2009

BorowitzReport.com

Building on the momentum of his latest blockbuster, Avatar, director James Cameron announced his next project, a special-effects-laden extravaganza called Emoticon.

I Had Sex With Tiger Woods

Ari Shapiro, 12.22.2009

Avid sports fan and author of The Cheap Seats blog.

It's not going to be easy, it's not something I'm proud of, and it may ruin my dream of one day becoming Commissioner of the PGA Tour, but I have to get this off my chest.

VIDEO: Fox News Spins Snowball Fight Incident So That It's Interesting

R.J. Fried, 12.23.2009

TV Writer

Though the gathering was an innocent snowball fight, Fox News knew a war protest was amidst. What better way to protest war than by throwing snowballs at people who agree with you.

A Look Inside Santa Claus University

Mark C. Miller, 12.23.2009

Humorist

How would you like to be paid for making people feel really good as they sit on your lap? No, it's not that; get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talking about being a seasonal Santa Claus.

College Students: How to Get the Most Out of Your Parents This Holiday Season

Miranda Lewis, 12.21.2009

Yale sophomore; Co-Editor, The Bullblog

Call them as many times as possible (I can't stress the importance of this one enough) over finals period telling them how excited you are to see them. "Only 84 more hours, daddy! Can you put the dog on the phone? I want to make sure she remembers my voice when she sees me."

Wisconsin Has a Bug

Lloyd Garver, 12.21.2009

Writer and producer

We all know that states have "official" animals, birds, and flowers. Until I did a little research, I didn't know that there were also state insects, amphibians, and reptiles.

A Fox News Christmas

David Kronke, 12.21.2009

(Cue song) Violent night, protest night.. Liberals flee at our sight.. They are socialist, fascist and cruel.. We will stomp them, show them to be fools.. We must wipe them all ow-out.. We must wipe them all out.

Tiger Woods For Congress?

Avery Corman, 12.21.2009

Author

The hiatus from golf initiated by Tiger Woods has encouraged a team of Republican Party strategists to draw up a proposal for Woods to run for a House seat from his home district in Florida.

Tiger Woods Story Apparently Has Nothing To Do with Healthcare Reform Or Anything Else Important To Us

Scott Blakeman, 12.21.2009

Political comedian

Although you wouldn't know it by the front page tabloid news stories or the endless panel discussions on television, the Tiger Woods story has nothing to do with our lives.

PR Damage Control 101: How to Come off Contrite

Ian Gurvitz, 12.18.2009

Writer

"I plan to use this time for introspection and to learn to control my GREED/DRINKING/RAGE/ANGER/ANTI-SEMITISM/INSATIABLE SEXUAL APPETITES" (Circle the relevant details).

Costco Protects Palin From Tomatoes by Taking Them Off Shelves

Elayne Boosler, 12.17.2009

Writer/comedian

I'm forming the National Tomato Association. And if tomatoes are sold as unregulated as guns are, soon they'll be killing more people than guns.

Dr. Politics Answers Letters from Connecticut Joe, Mischievous Mitch, and Harried Harry

Rick Horowitz, 12.18.2009

Satirist and syndicated columnist

Dear Dr. Politics: I'm hoping you can help me with a problem. I'm a member of a small but important government organization located on Capitol Hill. (Hint: It has 100 members, two from each state.)