Tiger's Penis Signs Seven-Figure Book Deal

Andy Borowitz, 01.06.2010

BorowitzReport.com

A top book agent who represented Mr. Woods' penis in the deal, said that the book would be "tell-all memoir that would give a penis's eye view of the raunchy world of professional golf."

Dick Cheney Claims President Obama's New Haircut is a Sign of 'Letting Terrorists Win'

Ben Berkon, 01.06.2010

Comedy Writer/Blogger, SomethingYouShouldRead.com

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has made yet another public outcry against President Obama, claiming Obama's recent haircut is a sign of "letting the terrorists win."

Know How China Got So Rich? They Cheated

Danny Groner, 01.07.2010

Video Editor/Online Assistant Editor at TheWeek.com

How exactly China surpassed all of its powerful competition? Easy. They cheat. And they get caught a lot.

Sorry "suzy," But It's Over Before It's Begun

Lea Lane, 01.06.2010

Author, six books; editor, sololady.com

I hope you don't mind that I don't answer your email, suz. (Do you mind me calling you that? I can't help it. You have been so kind and supportive).

Bristol Palin, Are You Kidding or Are You Kidding?!?

Abe Gurko, 01.06.2010

Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Palin compound (nee house) as they sat around trying to figure out next steps in world domination on the heels of Sarah's best selling book, Going Rogue.

Starting a Fight on New Year's Eve

Mark C. Miller, 01.06.2010

Humorist

Okay, I'm gonna level with you - I spent this past New Year's Eve alone. And it was all my fault because I had to go and get into a fight. And I'm a peace-loving, calm, rational guy.

"A Cautionary Tale"

Justin Hudnall, 01.06.2010

Artistic Director of So Say We All

Evan Berry and Waffle Moorer sat down recently to tell me the true tale of a love triangle entirely conducted through a video game.

Tiger Woods: Get Thee to a Nunnery to Mend Your Swinging Ways!

Katie Halper, 01.06.2010

Co-Founder of Laughing Liberally, a political comedy group

Anyone who has ever been caught with his pants down knows it's easier to look up to Jesus than it is to squat down into a lotus position. Even Hume knows that as he is a sinner himself.

Living Together, Growing Together

Sophie Pollitt-Cohen, 01.06.2010

Author

Men are very competitive, so try making up a fake race that's an unrealistic distance at some vague, incredibly far off time. He'll become obsessed with winning and training, and it will never occur to him to question a 400 mile marathon in Decembruary.

How to Combat Distracted Walking

Ben H. Winters, 01.05.2010

Coauthor of Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters

Now that the horror of "distracted driving" has been brought thoroughly to light, it is time to turn our collective attention to a related and equally heinous societal scourge: distracted walking.

Goldman Sachs To Launch New HQ!

Tom Gregory, 01.02.2010

Actor, radio personality, and Tony nominated producer

The most financially-efficient building ever constructed, Goldman expects the building costs of its headquarters to have zero-impact on its bottom line, with funding provided by the TARP (Taxpayers Are Really Paying) Program.

Teach Idiotic Design in Schools: The Alternative to Darwinism

Steven Clifford, 01.04.2010

Former CEO, King Broadcasting Company

How could genes that cause lefthanders to smear themselves with ink and injure themselves using table saws be passed on? According to Darwinian theory, these genes should have been selected out.