Homeland Security Considers Making People Fly Naked

Andy Borowitz, 12.27.2009

BorowitzReport.com

Responding to the botched terrorism attempt, the Department of Homeland Security announced today that it was considering a new rule that would force passengers to fly naked.

Today In History: Frederick II

Sophie Pollitt-Cohen, 12.26.2009

Author

Frederick II called himself "lord of the world," and everyone around him was too scared to say just calling yourself that is kind of meaningless.

Santa Brings Pope New Power Chair!

Tom Gregory, 12.25.2009

Actor, radio personality, and Tony nominated producer

L'Osservatore Romano has confirmed that His Holiness did indeed receive a new PowerChair this Christmas.

The Year End Round-Up in Marriage

Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn, 12.22.2009

It has been a banner year for marital tankings. We're talking supreme tankage here. So, let's do a round up of the extreme highs and the lowest of the lows of marital woes 2009.

'Twas the Night Before Xmas 2009

John Marshall, 12.24.2009

Comedian, Emmy-nominated writer

'Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the land/No legislation was stirring, Except a bad health care plan

My Annual Holiday Letter

Lesley Stern, 12.22.2009

Writer, counselor to the nouveau poor

I've also made great strides on the financial front. I discovered how to get the laundry machines in the basement to work without quarters! That ought to save me several dollars a week.

The Biggest Conspiracy Of All

Chris Weigant, 12.23.2009

Author, Political Commentator, and Blogger (ChrisWeigant.com)

I have uncovered a big, fat conspiracy that is no mere theory. We're either being lied to, or we're joining in the propagation of the lie ourselves, with merriment.

I Had Sex With Tiger Woods

Ari Shapiro, 12.22.2009

Avid sports fan and author of The Cheap Seats blog.

It's not going to be easy, it's not something I'm proud of, and it may ruin my dream of one day becoming Commissioner of the PGA Tour, but I have to get this off my chest.

VIDEO: Fox News Spins Snowball Fight Incident So That It's Interesting

R.J. Fried, 12.23.2009

TV Writer

Though the gathering was an innocent snowball fight, Fox News knew a war protest was amidst. What better way to protest war than by throwing snowballs at people who agree with you.

A Look Inside Santa Claus University

Mark C. Miller, 12.23.2009

Humorist

How would you like to be paid for making people feel really good as they sit on your lap? No, it's not that; get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talking about being a seasonal Santa Claus.

College Students: How to Get the Most Out of Your Parents This Holiday Season

Miranda Lewis, 12.21.2009

Yale sophomore; Co-Editor, The Bullblog

Call them as many times as possible (I can't stress the importance of this one enough) over finals period telling them how excited you are to see them. "Only 84 more hours, daddy! Can you put the dog on the phone? I want to make sure she remembers my voice when she sees me."

Wisconsin Has a Bug

Lloyd Garver, 12.21.2009

Writer and producer

We all know that states have "official" animals, birds, and flowers. Until I did a little research, I didn't know that there were also state insects, amphibians, and reptiles.