The Year of the Man-Child

Catie Lazarus, 12.15.2009

www.doctorlazarus.com

What Did You Learn in 2009? Test your knowledge by answering these objectively scientific questions about the celebrities, politicians and fifteen minute famers who made headlines.

Obama Quits, Cedes Presidency to Lieberman

Matthew Filipowicz, 12.15.2009

Comedian, Cartoonist, Satirist

You might think that Joe Lieberman is happy. And he is.

Chuck Norris Says Obama Wants Mary to Abort Jesus

Chris Kelly, 12.15.2009

Writer, Real Time with Bill Maher

If you want to put the Bible in schools but you think Mary might have aborted Jesus, if she didn't have to pay for it, you don't get to talk anymore. Even Chuck Norris should be able to process that.

The Real Reason MTV Shouldn't Air the Jersey Shore Snooki Punch (VIDEO)

R.J. Fried, 12.14.2009

TV Writer

Congratulations, MTV - you completely failed to grasp the gravity of the situation. Little did you realize that you took the first step toward saving humanity. Allow me to explain...

WATCH: Why Are They Downplaying How Easily We Could Rebuild Polar Ice Caps?

Lee Camp, 12.08.2009

satirista, LeeCamp.net

This Gift Could Save Your Job

Andy Borowitz, 12.14.2009

BorowitzReport.com

Nowadays, Santa's favorite reindeer game is sacking Blitzen if he isn't pulling his weight, thus downsizing the team from an unwieldy eight to a lean and mean seven.

Glenn Beck's The Christmas Sweater: 12 Better Titles For The One-Man Movie

Doug Molitor, 12.14.2009

Apparently, the only title that Beck's one-man movie is outgrossing is Closed For Repairs. I've got a few suggestions that should help this new holiday classic find its audience.

Dreidel Mania

Melanie Chartoff, 12.14.2009

TV, Film Actress, Humor Columnist, Theraprovist

Santa is lugging Sony Playstations. Traditions are toppling and mutating to the point where we can scarcely remember their original intent. Oy! Even the dreidel has gone millennial.

"The Shopping Maccabees: A Chanukah Miracle"

Devra Maza, 12.13.2009

Screenwriter, Journalist and Actor

Chanukah had started, the menorah was lit
The family had sung, now they'd give gifts and sit

China Swaps US Debt for Equity: All Problems Solved!

Tom Gregory, 12.13.2009

Actor, radio personality, and Tony nominated producer

Goldman Sachs has announced that its Treasury Dept. has completed a debt for equity swap with the People's Republic of China, effectively solving most of America's problems.

New Moon Hits New Low In Boredom

Ben Mankiewicz, 11.30.2009

Host at Turner Classic Movies

Here's what happens in New Moon. Three teenagers spend nearly two hours frowning and moping and not screwing. Also, there's a tremendous amount of male shirt removal.

Kristopher Kringle, Beloved Children's Entertainer, Dead at 1000

Jilly Gagnon, 12.14.2009

Writer

When sarcasm grew in the 80s, Mr. Kringle's career went into decline. Kringle continued working, in low-budget affairs with the likes of Tim Allen. But his eggnog and gumdrop use took a turn for the worse.